A Week Ago

The time was as slow as it could be. I took a blade with my trembling hands. I could hear every single sound around me. At least a hundred crickets were chirping around my house, I started sweating really badly. For a second I even thought why I was doing this, but immediately the negative thought swallowed me again. I tried to resist it but couldn't. My life was dark without an inch of light. I felt like ending it. My candle was not bright anymore. I came back to my senses. A couple of frogs started croaking now. My hands were wet. As I moved the blade closer to my wrist, it slipped and fell down. A thunderbolt flashed across the sky as I leaned down to pick up the blade, suddenly I gasped as my father called my name "Amber…" The lightning struck the sky and it started raining heavily. The rain was even loud when it hit our roof sheet. A memory flashed into my eyes as a thunder occurred again. A girl in her beautiful tiny little red dress and pigtail. It was me when I was 4. It was a full moon night, yet cloudy. Still, crickets were chirping merrily. As I sat on a chair waiting for my parents to return home from work the telephone rang. It must be because I've told them to buy me a milkshake. I thought. I jumped and ran to take the call, but my grandma took it and attended it. After a minute or so I was overexcited to hear what they told her but she looked upset. When I asked her she told me that they were not coming home today because they were working late and could not travel late at this night for nearly 40 km and it was already raining heavily there. I don't remember why but I was at my native place for a reason. I felt anger and sadness bursting out of me at the same time. I didn't know what to do or say. Should I cry or should I hit and destroy things around me? I tried not to cry, I kept myself calm, at least I tried to be. Suddenly the telephone rang I sprinted before my grandmother could take it. I took the call and I heard my mother's voice, I couldn't hold my tears anymore… I started wailing and crying and pleading her to come. But she said she was so tired and couldn't travel. That made me cry more. I hung the phone furiously and went straight to the bed and drowned myself in the teary pillow. I refused to eat the dinner and couldn't take the thought them not coming from my mind. My grandma tried to calm me down but I was out of reach, and finally she called my parents. The world was spinning around me with the thoughts of spending a night without my mom's lullaby and my pa's warm hugs. Yes! They took the phone. The spin was getting slower and slower as I tried to make out what my grandma was saying. I couldn't even see her properly because of my tear filled eyes. I rubbed my eyes to get a clear view but tears were still coming, and as she hung up the phone, I immediately asked her what they said. Your father will come. My tears suddenly disappeared and it suddenly started raining heavily outside. I told her I will eat now, I was starving. I watched my favorite cartoon as I ate my meal. After an hour or so the bell rang. I sprinted across the hallway to see my pa at the door step. I ran to him as he opened his arms for his warm hug. I was overjoyed. He took me inside and after he changed he gave me the milkshake which I have asked for earlier. I drank it merrily. The rain had died by now. After a while my father took me to bed and I asked him to sing me a lullaby, but he was like 'lullaby is for mommy but I'll tell you a story.' As he said the story I felt myself sleeping on his warm arms and the cricket chirping also died in the middle of the story. When I was 4 it was only a small memory. All my life I thought my mom loved me more, but I was wrong. At this age when I remember this memory, I understand how much my pa loved me. I felt like crying. This memory always made me cry. I came back to my senses. It was still raining heavily. The crickets were not chirping anymore. Then I suddenly remembered, my father had called me. I hid the blade under my books, unlocked the door and went searching for my father. It's been years since I felt his warm hugs and I always wanted to say sorry for what happened, but I never did and I always regretted it. But I was so determined that I would say sorry today. I searched for my pa…. but then I remembered the shocking truth he died a week ago.