The darkness around me wasn't the peaceful kind you'd expect after death. It was more like being suspended in thick jello, except the jello was made of pure nothingness and had a strange habit of whispering things I couldn't quite understand.
"Well, this is awkward," I muttered, surprised I could still speak. Or think. Or exist, apparently.
That's when the voice hit me like a freight train made of cosmic energy and disappointment.
"MORTAL."
The word echoed through whatever dimension I was floating in, and suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. In front of me materialized... well, calling it a "being" would be generous. It looked like someone had taken the concept of existence itself, given it too much coffee, and asked it to explain quantum physics while juggling flaming swords.
"Oh great," I said, because apparently my mouth worked faster than my brain even in the afterlife. "Let me guess. You're God, and you're here to tell me I've been a terrible person."
The thing that definitely wasn't God rippled with what might have been amusement. "I AM WHAT YOUR KIND WOULD CALL A RANDOM OMNIPOTENT BEING. ROB, IF YOU PREFER ACRONYMS."
"ROB? Seriously? The universe's most powerful entity goes by ROB?"
"I DID NOT CHOOSE THE NAME. YOUR INTERNET DID."
I blinked, or at least performed the mental equivalent of blinking. "My internet? Wait, how do you know about—"
"SILENCE." The command wasn't harsh, just... absolute. Like gravity, but for vocal cords. "I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU, ALEX CHEN. YOUR LIFE WAS... ADEQUATE. NOT TERRIBLE, NOT EXCEPTIONAL. PERFECTLY AVERAGE."
"Gee, thanks for the glowing eulogy."
"HOWEVER, I REQUIRE SOMEONE WITH YOUR PARTICULAR SKILL SET FOR A TASK IN ANOTHER REALM."
Now this was getting interesting. I'd read enough web novels to know where this was heading, and honestly? After twenty-eight years of debugging code and eating ramen, interdimensional adventure sounded pretty appealing.
"Let me guess," I said, floating in what I hoped was a casual position. "You want me to go to a fantasy world, get some cheats, and become the hero who saves everyone?"
ROB's form shifted, and I could swear I heard cosmic laughter. "NOT QUITE. THE WORLD I SPEAK OF IS CALLED GAIA. IT IS VAST—THOUSANDS OF TIMES LARGER THAN YOUR EARTH. LUSHER, WILDER, MORE VIBRANT THAN ANYTHING YOUR SPECIES EVER IMAGINED. MAGIC FLOWS THROUGH EVERYTHING, CREATURES OF LEGEND ROAM FREE, AND VARIOUS SAPIENT SPECIES ARE JUST BEGINNING TO FORM THEIR FIRST CIVILIZATIONS."
I waited for the catch. There was always a catch.
"THE TASK IS SIMPLE. I WANT YOU TO CREATE THE INTERNET."
I stared at ROB's shifting form for a long moment. "I'm sorry, what?"
"THE INTERNET. A GLOBAL NETWORK OF COMMUNICATION AND INFORMATION SHARING. BUT ADAPTED FOR A WORLD OF MAGIC AND MONSTERS."
"You want me to... to bring Wi-Fi to a fantasy world?"
"PRECISELY."
I couldn't help it. I started laughing. Not the polite chuckle you give when your boss tells a bad joke, but the kind of uncontrolled laughter that comes when the universe reveals it has an absolutely bizarre sense of humor.
"This is insane," I wheezed between giggles. "You're telling me that after I die, instead of going to heaven or hell or just... ending... I get recruited by an omnipotent being to be the IT guy for a magical world?"
"YOUR WORLD'S INTERNET TRANSFORMED CIVILIZATION. IMAGINE WHAT SUCH A NETWORK COULD DO FOR A REALM WHERE DRAGONS EXIST ALONGSIDE FLEDGLING HUMAN SETTLEMENTS, WHERE ELVES ARE JUST LEARNING TO WRITE, AND WHERE MAGIC ITSELF COULD BE THE INFRASTRUCTURE."
Okay, when he put it like that, it actually sounded kind of amazing. But I'd learned enough from my corporate days to know you never take the first offer.
"Alright, I'm interested," I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. "But I'm going to need some help. You can't just drop a failed programmer with a hopeless physique into a world of magic and expect miracles."
"WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?"
"First, I want a system. You know, like in those RPG stories. Something to help me understand this world, track my progress, maybe give me some guidance."
ROB considered this. "ACCEPTABLE."
"Second, if I'm going to be building networks in a world full of monsters, I'm going to need some way to protect myself. And frankly, after spending my whole life behind a computer screen, the idea of having an actual body that can do cool things sounds pretty appealing."
"WHAT FORM WOULD YOU PREFER?"
I thought about it. Dragons were cool, but probably too conspicuous. Humans were familiar, but also kind of fragile. Then inspiration struck.
"I want to be a slime."
The cosmic silence that followed was deafening.
"A... SLIME?"
"Think about it," I said, warming to the idea. "Slimes are adaptable, they can change shape, they're not threatening to most people, and they're perfect for a world where I need to be flexible. Plus, if I'm going to revolutionize magical society, I might as well do it in the most unexpected form possible."
"INTERESTING. AND AMBITIOUS."
"Speaking of ambitious," I continued, "if I'm going to be the only slime of my kind building the internet, I might as well go all the way. Make me the slime god."
I could feel ROB's attention sharpen. "YOU WISH TO BECOME A DEITY?"
"Well, not immediately. But if I'm going to be responsible for connecting an entire world, and if I'm going to be a unique slime in a realm full of magic, it seems like the natural progression. Besides, someone's got to look out for all the other slimes, right? I could be their… Progenitor"
The cosmic being was quiet for so long I started to worry I'd overplayed my hand. Then, slowly, something that might have been approval radiated from its form.
"VERY WELL. YOU SHALL BE REBORN AS A UNIQUE SLIME WITH THE POTENTIAL TO ASCEND TO GODHOOD. YOU WILL RECEIVE A SYSTEM TO GUIDE YOU. YOUR TASK REMAINS THE SAME: CREATE A NETWORK THAT WILL CONNECT THE PEOPLES OF GAIA."
The space around me began to shift, reality bending in ways that made my programmer's brain want to throw up error messages.
"ONE FINAL WARNING," ROB's voice was already growing distant. "GAIA IS NOT A GENTLE WORLD. ITS BEAUTY COMES WITH DANGER. CREATURES THAT HAVE NEVER KNOWN GODS OR MASTERS ROAM ITS FORESTS. SPECIES FIGHT FOR TERRITORY AND RESOURCES. YOU WILL BEGIN SMALL AND VULNERABLE."
"Hey, ROB?" I called out as the darkness began to swirl with colors I didn't have names for.
"WHAT?"
"Thanks for not making this boring."
I could swear I heard cosmic laughter as my consciousness began to stretch, twist, and reshape itself for a journey across impossible distances.
The last thing I remember thinking before everything went white was: "I really hope slimes can handle caffeine withdrawal."
Then Alex Chen, failed programmer and ramen enthusiast, ceased to exist.
And somewhere in the vast, wild world of Gaia, something new was about to be born.