"I… need time to think."
"Tsk. You always need time to think. Can't you make a decision faster?" Renshu scoffed.
Of course I needed time. If I agreed, I would have to dress as a man, act like one, speak like one—it would take more than just effort.
It would take everything. Not to mention the prejudices. A foreigner handling the empire's affairs? Even as a maid, the whispers never stopped.
How much worse would it be if I stepped into the court? At least here, Shuyin was by my side. If I became an official… who would help me then?
"How long do you need? The exam will be in one month. You should decide by tomorrow night."
His tone had turned cold, clipped. He was annoyed that I wasn't blindly leaping into this madness, that I dared to weigh the risks.
"I will come tomorrow—if I have decided by then."
Renshu stayed silent. The stillness between us pressed heavier than his words. I assumed I was dismissed.
"No. Stay."
Those were not the words I wanted to hear.
"I did say there would be no lesson today," he continued. "But since you will be tested, we'll practice. Now."
My eyes widened slightly. Was he… offering me a lesson?
"As you wish," I replied.
He laughed. "Why the sudden formality? Just now, you strictly told me you would only come tomorrow if you had decided."
Heat crept to my face. Was my tone earlier really so bad?
He picked up the discarded wooden sword on the ground and pressed it against my chest.
"You've taught me so much. Perhaps it's time you learnt something from me."
I gripped the hilt tightly, unsure where this was going, but better to remain guarded.
"I've noticed when you fight," he said, "you're always on defense. You never strike first. For the exam, they'll test both your offense and your defense. Without balance, you won't pass with high marks. And I cannot have you become an official if you don't have the best grade."
I couldn't disagree. He was right. I had always relied on defense. My mother drilled it into me—defense was survival.
Against family, I never had to strike. But when they struck me, I could always escape.
"So," Renshu shifted into a defensive stance, "you'll practice on me."
This was worse than before. One more scar on his body, and it would be my head rolling on the floor.
"Come on, Meilina. I won't punish you if I get hurt. That's the point." His voice was already edged with irritation.
I stepped closer until we stood only a few meters apart, the same distance we'd faced each other the first time we dueled.
With a deep breath, I swung at his stomach.
Blocked.
I slowed down, adjusting, trying gentler strikes. Again and again, he dodged them with ease.
SWING—
The tip of his sword shot toward me. Too quick. I stumbled back, the pond at my heels, threatening to swallow me whole.
Wasn't he just supposed to be on defence?
"If you keep suppressing your speed and strength," he warned, his face grave, "I'll throw you into the water myself."
His words stung like a slap. Anger flared. Who was he to threaten me? He, the one forcing me into this path, daring to call me weak?
The fury pushed me forward. I slashed harder than I intended—right at his head.
He blocked at the last second, his hilt shuddering under the force. The impact rattled his grip, nearly knocking the weapon from his hand.
"Yes! Keep going—"
SPLASH.
His sword tumbled into the pond, bobbing mockingly among the lilies after my second strike to his weapon.
My pulse thundered in my ears. What had I done? Would he punish me now? Had I been too harsh, too reckless?
The night was finishing, the sky going from dark blue to the shades of clear skies. While I kept my eyes right at the floating piece of wood, with no courage to face Cao Renshu.
I couldn't look at him. My gaze stayed locked on the floating wood. My heart raced, bracing for anger.
But instead—
"You did well."
I froze. His voice was calm, steady. Not angry. Not annoyed.
I dared to look at him. He was smiling, was he....happy?
"You'll do well in the exam," he said, panting slightly.
"If I want to enter," I reminded him.
"Oh, I know you will." His belief was so absolute it unsettled me.
The first rays of dawn stretched across the sky, painting it pale blue. My chest tightened as I practically fled back toward the Lanxuan Pavilion.
"You're late."
Shuyin's sharp eyes pinned me the moment I returned.
"The other maids claim you left at night and—" her voice dropped, "—that you had relations with a eunuch."
"Was it Jinmei?"
Her hesitation gave her away. "I—yes. But that's not the point! You cannot keep disappearing like this. I am supposed to punish you. Do you know how much energy it took to convince them not to check your room?"
Frustration laced her words. And she was right—I had trapped her.
Still, I respected her enough to confess something.
"I wanted to tell you the reason—"
"Is it about Renshu? Did he hurt you?"
"No!" I blurted. "It's something else. He… gave me a proposal."
Shuyin's eyes widened. "What?! A proposal as in—"
I grabbed her arm and dragged her quickly toward my room before anyone overheard.
"Meilina, what is going on—"
"Renshu thinks I'd be useful as an official. He wants me to oversee revenue, accounts, splits… He's asking me to join."
"But you wouldn't be allowed. Only men can—"
"Yes. He told me he would disguise me as one."
Shock washed across her face, leaving her pale. "Wh-what are you saying… are you joking, Meilina?"
"I'm not."
"This cannot be true. Why would he want you when he already has a team full of men to—"
"I don't know!" The words burst out sharper than I meant. Irritation burned in my chest. Why did she doubt me? Now I had even less time to decide.
Silence stretched thin between us. Finally, Shuyin's breath came fast and shallow.
"You should leave the Forbidden Palace," she whispered. "Don't come back."
"Why would I do that?!"
"Because he will harm you! If you refuse, he'll harm you. And if you accept, he'll control you completely. You'll be under him, Meilina, you don't understand."
Her words spiraled in my mind. She wasn't wrong. I had never stopped considering the possibility that Renshu might harm me.
Yet…
Yet, the pavilion was a cage. Strict schedules, endless chores, constant taunts. My skills rotted here. And as much as I despised admitting it, that man had made my days more… bearable.
"Meilina, I'm telling you—don't go!"
"Shuyin," I said firmly. "Come by this evening. I will tell you my decision then."
"What decision?! There is no choice to be made! You must—"
But I was already leaving, my steps quick.
I needed time. Time to weigh if I should remain safe yet lifeless in this pavilion… or risk everything to step into a world where my skills might finally matter.
For now, I still did not know.