On October 31st, in the middle of the spooky celebrations, there was a rumor about a Halloween party in a distant neighborhood. I saw some of my classmates leave early to prepare their costumes, and I overheard others talking about the booze. I had no idea what was going on, since it was the first Halloween where I was somewhat involved with the student crowd.
Right behind me sat Victoria, a classmate I considered a friend at the time, even though she wasn't the most noticeable person in the room. I turned to ask her what was happening, and she just said, "It's Kev's party." Seeing my confused face, she took my hand.
"We have to go, Madz. Tell your parents you're staying at my place."
Seeing how excited everyone else was, my curiosity grew. I'd never been to a party before, and on impulse, I said yes.
That's how I ended up sitting in my classmate's living room wearing a last-minute costume: a graduation gown and a paper mortarboard I quickly made. I put glitter on my eyes and stayed there for an hour, with a strange feeling, though unable to say no.
My moment of reflection was interrupted several times because Thania (Victoria's sister), Victoria, and Karl (a family friend) were running all over the house, finishing getting ready. Sometimes they asked me for advice, other times they'd stand in front of the mirror making sure everything looked right.
When the clock struck 9:00 PM, we all headed out. But first, we took hundreds of photos with Victoria's sister's camera. We were a priest, a nun, La Santa Muerte, and a graduate.
Thania was still putting on makeup in the car as we drove through the city streets, packed with people in costumes walking carefree.
"Madz, how much cash you got?" Karl asked, holding a few bills in his hand.
I fumbled and pulled out $15 from my pocket. "Is this enough?" I asked.
Without answering, Karl took the money from my hand and I felt the car brake hard without warning.
"Maddie, you're coming with me," he declared.
Victoria motioned for me to get out of the car, so I obeyed. As I stepped out and looked up, I realized we were at the liquor store. Inside, Karl already had a basket with three bottles of rum and one bottle of vodka. "Everyone takes one. That's your entrance to the event." I looked closely at the basket. "And what's the vodka for?" I asked.
He didn't answer me and just paid. I followed him to the car, where he opened the bottle. "We gotta be buzzed," he said, handing me the bottle. Without thinking, I took a sip— the alcohol made me cough, but I tried to hide it. Victoria took the bottle, drank, then passed it back to Karl.
We all drank on the way to the spot.
A few meters from the place, people were walking around with bags full of booze. It was clear it was going to be a chaotic event—unruly and wild.
It was an outdoor event, quite a walk from the main road. It was dark, and the ground was muddy everywhere because it had rained hours before. At the entrance, security guards manned a makeshift fence to control who got in. There, they collected the alcohol and handed out tickets.
Inside, hundreds of people were dancing on a dance floor, all in different costumes. Nobody was wearing the same outfit, but shots were definitely being repeated. My little group settled around the edges. Karl opened a bottle, handed out some cups, and we started drinking.
Under colored lights, surrounded by cigarette smoke, and with the music blasting, we danced the night away, drink after drink. I felt ecstatic, powerful, and light.
Everything started spinning, and suddenly I was on the floor. That was enough for Victoria to lift me up and take me by the arm toward the exit.
When I looked back, Karl was on the ground, covered in mud, searching for something in the dirt. Thania was next to him, helping look. He was trying to get up but couldn't.
"FUCK!!!... My glasses, Thania! My glasses!" he shouted, while random people shone flashlights around.
I stood there, watching the scene completely dissociated, and by the time I came back to my senses, we were already in the car.
Karl was crying in the passenger seat. "I told you to take care of them, Thani. I just bought them," he sobbed. Thania just patted his back. Out of the four of us, Victoria was the least drunk, so she drove us back.
Karl's crying was becoming unbearable. "Shut up, Karl. I'll buy you new ones," Thania snapped, fed up with the whole situation.
Out of nowhere, Karl rolled down the window and threw up.The sound triggered something in me and I threw up too—inside the car.
Victoria slammed the brakes, and Karl hit his upper lip on the window. When we saw the blood, we all screamed.
"Oh fuck, you knocked out my tooth!" he yelled, writhing in the seat.
Victoria started crying. "No! I broke your nose! I'm so sorry," she said, leaning over to check on him.
"Don't touch me, you idiot!" he yelled and pushed her toward the door.
I burst out laughing. Thania, who was on med school, was passed out in the back seat next to me completely useless.
I don't remember getting back to the house, but I do remember the cold of the floor when Victoria asked us to take our shoes off at the door so she could soak them in soapy water.
I took a long hot shower and sat on the bed, my mind completely blank. Then a system notification came in. I checked it, then opened Instagram.
I scrolled through my DMs, ready to delete the ones that no longer served me. And that's when I saw his chat.
I paused for a few seconds. What would a normal person do in my position?Of course—write something, using alcohol as the excuse.
But I didn't text him. I sent a voice message.
"Hey Stailer, it's Maddie. I don't know if you remember me, but I made a painting of you.Well… I don't know if you even want it, it's just… I don't know what to do with it.And, you know… I think you're really cute. You're my crush."
A pause. I instantly regretted it and deleted the messages for both of us. I deleted the entire chat and buried myself under the sheets. I had anxiety, but the alcohol had dulled my senses. I fell asleep like that, feeling nothing but the presence of Victoria, who at some point during the night climbed into bed beside me.
The morning sun, slipping through the white curtains, and the heat woke me up. My eyes squinted—I refused to get up. Suddenly, the sound of a notification chimed.
I stretched out my arm sleepily, reaching under the pillow for my phone. It chimed again, so I hurried to grab it. I wasn't expecting messages from anyone, so I assumed it was my mom.
I finally felt it and pulled it out.I turned it on and there it was:
"@stail_z sent you a voice message."
I sat up straight, quickly reopened the screen and, without thinking, tapped on it. And for the first time, I heard his voice.
"Hey Maddie, you made me what?" he said, laughing."Wow, I'm really flattered.How about we meet on Monday at the park, so I can pick it up in person?"
I froze.How the hell had he listened to the voice messages if I deleted them yesterday?!
And then it hit me. I didn't press 'delete for everyone'— I hit 'delete for me only.'
"Shit!" I said out loud.
"Shit what?" I looked up and saw Victoria standing at the door of her room.
"Nothing. My mom's already on her way," I replied as I got dressed.
"Oh yeah? You're not staying for breakfast?"
"No," I said, already halfway out the room in a rush.
I had no idea what to do. I'd put the noose around my own neck. But since I liked him and thought he was cute, I couldn't say no.
To my past self, it felt like the perfect excuse— I was finally going to see him in person.
It felt like meeting my favorite artist face to face.It was madness that I wanted to happen.