FROM ELLA PERFAE
TO LARA PERFAE
34 MAY'S CORNER
CASTLEFORD
LO6 1AR
Lara. What is going on?
If you are too busy, surely the children have the time to write to me. I am certain they ask you where I am, or when they'll be able to see me again. I hope you are not denying them. Have you told them about my letters? Do you plan to keep it a secret?
Imagine yourself in my place, Lara.
I have been torn away from my children. I cannot care for them in the way I want, in the way they need, and I am in constant fear they'll forget what I look like and what I sound like. All I can do is try to convince you to take the next step. They can write to me if you'd just respond to my letters. I can hear their voices if you'd just answer my calls. I can see them with my own eyes if you'd just visit.
But you don't.
Are you aiming your resentment at my children? Are you hurting them because of me?
When I wrote to you, telling you that I'm glad Aiden and Cleo have you to rely on, I meant every word, Lara. Every word. But you've been tempted by the anger and hatred you feel for me, haven't you?
You look at them, and you see my dark brown eyes, and my slender fingers. You hear my laughter in theirs, and wince as though I'm right there in the room with you. You choke back your tears and tremble with rage, and the spite makes it hard for you to breathe, to move, to stay sane.
I know how you feel. Write to me, Lara, and I will help you through it. You will gain nothing by targeting my children.
In fact, if I was in your place, Cam and Azra would have been allowed to speak to you, to see you, because I would have understood that you are their mother, and a mother can never be replaced. No matter how much you try to change things, Lara, my absence will always be a void that can never be filled.
That is how we feel about Mum, isn't it?
We were both devastated when she died. It's been 5 years and there is still a part of me stuck in the past, in a time where she is still with us. I have to keep dragging that part of me forward everyday, even if it get so heavy, even if it keeps weighing me down, because I still need her, Lara.
A child without a mother is basically an orphan, a wound left to get better on its own. I want to hear Mum's voice, to watch the subtle way she raises her brows and lips whenever she is pleased. As much as I have tried to move on, she remains a part of me; she is in my voice, my mind, and all of my habits and opinions. Mum cannot be erased.
And neither can I.
But while I'm away, you are the only person I have that can look after my children properly. After Mum died, Dad hasn't been the same. He barely speaks, barely eats, and he's decided to waste away in that empty house filled with memories. I've tried to encourage him to make a change, to move on; if not for me, at least for his grandchildren, but even that is not enough to convince him.
Sometimes, his eyes change. They light up and the Dad we remember, the one who raised us and protected us, returns for a short while. And then he is gone just as quickly as he arrived.
He would have been my first choice to look after Aiden and Cleo. It's because Dad made me feel safe. Whenever I was in his arms, whenever I'd listen to him talk, whenever he'd spin me around in the air, the whole world stopped for a moment, and everything went quiet. It was just me and Dad until I had to let him go.
I wanted the same for Aiden and Cleo. But I think we need to accept that he will never return to us. No matter how much we wish for it, no matter how much we try to convince him that it wasn't his fault, Dad died the moment he found Mum on that kitchen floor, with no life behind her eyes, her body perfectly still, no air in her lungs, having breathed her last, long before he arrived.
That is why I now look to you to protect and care for my children. But that does not give you the right to try and keep them from me. I know what's best for them, and if you want to raise your niece and your nephew properly, you need to listen to me. I am their mother. You cannot raise my children the same way you raise your own, you just can't. You might think you know what's best for them, you might think you know what you're doing, but let's be honest, here, Lara; you are out of your depth as a mother.
There are many people who would agree with me; Amir included. He had confided in me many times about how you were never able to handle your share of the work in the house, how he'd always be the one to pick up the pieces. He'd ask how I did it, how I managed to stay on top of things, and I gave him the answers, tried to help him, but you always got in the way. I think it was Mum who described it best; she once said you've taken on the role of a care-free baby-sitter rather than a mother, and I have to agree. It may have been a harsh thing to say but it's the truth.
Cam and Azra are much too spoilt. You are too lenient when they get into trouble and you put no effort into raising them better. I accept the importance of allowing children their own space, their own happiness, but more often than not, that's just an excuse blabbered by incompetent mothers who do not actually wish to take on any responsibility. If you always allow your children their way, if you always regress to their level, who will be the adult in the room? Who will prepare them for the life that's coming their way if you're not there to stand in front of them, to see what they can't see and guide them away from what will harm them?
You feel hurt, don't you?
No one has told you any of this until now. It's because everyone wished to spare your feelings. I'm the only one who has ever tried to talk to you about your lack of responsibility, but each time, I've had to twist the truth, or stay silent because that's what everyone pressured me to do. Dad would say you were sensitive, that you were trying your best. Amir preferred to suffer over hurting your feelings, and Mum? Well, she turned into a completely different person when it came to you.
I'm not sure when it started, but she began looking out for you in a way she never used to when you were younger. She started making excuses for you. She stayed silent whenever you said something wrong. Did you ever notice the way she'd look at you? With a pitying sadness, like you were fated for something terrible. I never understood it. Why did Mum, and everyone else, always have to clean up your mess?
Do you even know what I'm talking about?
You must be looking at this letter, absolutely clueless. You always did live in your own little bubble, LaLa.
It's okay. I'll remind you.
There's a lot to go over, so in this letter, let's start with how I cleaned up your mess.
Let's start with Cam.
Right after Mum died, the family was slowly trying to get back to normal. After some time away, I made sure Aiden and Cleo returned to school. It was important they didn't fall behind and school gave them structure, something to do while they came to terms with their grandmother's death. You, however, allowed Cam and Azra to stay home whenever they wanted, whenever it was simply too "hard." I believe that was the reason Cam fell behind with his grades, why he could never fit in with his classmates, and why, eventually, he got into that horrible fight just a few months later.
You couldn't be reached, away on some work-trip. It was Amir who had to be called to the school. I accompanied him; I had to, someone had to be there for him.
There was blood all over Cam's shirt. He himself had a swollen eye and dried blood caked all over his face. You know what happened next: Cam claimed the other boys had bullied him for months, he finally snapped and retaliated, and so on and on. You wanted to call the police but the headmaster said there was no reason to escalate the matter, especially since: there was no proof they had been bullying Cam, it was Cam who threw the first punch, and he hadn't mentioned anything to anybody until that day. Cam had said it was because everyone was still in mourning, still healing from Mum's death. He didn't want anybody to worry.
You should have noticed, Lara. You should have worried.
It could have all been avoided if you'd just stopped being so care-free. You wait for your children to talk to you, you believe anything they say and never dare to enter their space without their permission. I would have dealt with it before it ever came to blows. The way Cam dealt with it was unnecessary and problematic, but it wasn't entirely his fault, Lara. Things would have been different if he actually had someone to guide him. Like his mother.
And poor Aiden and Cleo. Everyone knows they're cousins. Imagine how embarrassing it must have been for my children, teased and pestered by the other kids, their teachers associating them with the incident and keeping a watchful eye over them; over us.
Yes, it affected me too. You know how involved I was with the school. I was part of the PTA and that year, I had just become president. Cam's incident was humiliating. I did everything I could to stop any rumours, to ensure I kept the trust of the other mothers in the association, a few of whom were the mothers of the other boys involved. They opened up to me, scared that their sons' suspensions would affect their chances of getting into good colleges. They asked if I could convince you to sit down with them, to settle the matter quietly like adults.
But you were too stubborn. Too angry. You wanted justice. You never understood that sometimes justice is acceptance. That it means swallowing your pride and moving on for the sake of everyone else. It was always about what you wanted and what you believed. No one looked my way. No one considered what it meant for me and my children.
So I dealt with it. What else could I do? I went to the headmaster and I laid out a solution. I suggested, every so delicately, that sometimes, a fresh start is the kindest thing. I proposed that he gently recommend a change of scenery, a new beginning for Cam at a new school.
It was the most logical solution. The headmaster agreed with me, the other mothers agreed with me; even Mum agreed with me. Especially Mum. But she agreed with me in private.
I want you to know that if it was me making all this fuss, Mum would have been the first person to tell me to stop. She would have ordered me to think about my child and his future, and stop making this all about myself. She didn't do that with you, of course, nor did anyone else. They left me to be the bad guy.
So I was the one who had to spend weeks convincing you. I told you that my conversations with the PTA weren't going so well; that the mothers were talking about involving the school board and the police, because, after all, it was Cam who had thrown the first punch. I mentioned, just in passing, how Aiden and Cleo were being asked about their 'violent cousin' in the hallways, how worried I was that it might affect their life at school. I might have... exaggerated some of what I told you but it was enough to spur you into action.
Eventually, you agreed. You decided it would be better for both Cam and Azra to find a "better" school. You made the choice yourself, a noble sacrifice for your children and mine; I simply helped you reach it. Your son was able to have a fresh start because of me, Lara. He's much happier now, isn't he?
If I remember correctly, it was Denis who helped you find the new school. If it wasn't for his connections, Cam might have ended up somewhere awful. I'm glad it all worked out in the end.
You must be furious. Too furious to realise that we were doing the exact same thing; protecting our sons. But I actually succeeded. I did what a mother should do. I fixed the problem you created.
How does that make you feel?
If you a till want to know more about how our family has fixed your problems, I'm more than happy to tell you. But you burn every bridge I build between us. You burn it at every turn. How many letters will I have to write before you respond? How many secrets will it take for you to give in?
Let's try something different, shall we?
If you want to know more, write back. Call me. Visit me. Any one of those will do, and you'll get a secret in return. I think that's more than fair, no?
But you should prepare yourself. The secrets I intend to tell you…they'll upset you, change you, but in the long run, you'll be grateful that I've told you. Who wants to be kept in the dark their entire life?
I hope you will stop trying to erase me now that I have something you want, Lara. But either way, it will never work; I will always be my children's mother.
And I'll always be your sister,
Ella.