Breathe.
Stay calm.
Listen closely to what I am about to say. You might think it is a blatant lie. You might think it's a demented illusion. Believe me, I did so myself at the time. However, I have considered all other possibilities.
The evidence is conclusive.
I have been reincarnated.
Yes, yes, I know! "You are insane." "Don't let your wishful fantasies cloud your mind." "That kind of stuff doesn't happen on real life."
Yes, yes, and also yes. I agree with you all. Everything you are saying makes absolute sense... and yet!
Let us take a look at the situation from a completely impartial point of view.
First: I died.
That's unquestionable. I know it with the absolute certainty that only the person dying feels. You don't go through a process like, and I mean this literally, the ceasing of all bodily functions and subsequent shutdown of your body and mind, without, eh, you know, knowing.
Second: I'm alive.
By the same logic, I am pretty sure I am living right now. Breathing? Check. Heart beating? Check. The fact that I am having this internal monologue with myself is also a big green mark in the list of "things only living, sentient people can do."
Third: I have the body of a newborn.
Not much to say here. Giant head. Tiny arms and feet. A tiny knife I hope will one day grow into a mighty claymore. I'm a boy. Lots of blabbering (because yes, talking without developed vocal chords is as hard as they say) and... Sadly, lack of control over my sphincter.
How many times I've wet myself? Hehe, that's a secret~!
And I suggest it stays that way. For the sake of my dignity
As I said before: the evidence is conclusive. No matter how hard my mind rejects reality, it will not change the fact that I am, somehow, inhabiting the body of an infant human.
At least, I believe I am human. Two legs. Two arms, A head, two eyes, no weird appendages coming out of my back (lower or otherwise) and no weird, extra-corporeal or otherwise spiritual itches to scratch. I'm pretty sure I am a regular human person.
An extremely small, constantly tired, regular human person without the ability to communicate. I hope my vocal chords develop fast. I'd very much rather screaming "Pee-pee!" at the top of my lungs than... well, let the past remain in the past.
How do I feel about this situation?
That's a hard question.
I had a life. It wasn't great, and I wasted a lot of time and opportunities. The enlightenment brought to me by my final moments would have helped a lot, hadn't I actually died.
If I had survived, would I have changed my take on life? Would I have stopped making excuses, started waiting for "the right time" and instead worked towards creating that "right time" myself?
Most likely yes.
I still have a lot of regrets. I have decided never to make a decision that could become a weight for my mind in the future, but that doesn't mean I have magically forsaken all that came before.
I am chained by the past. And those chains will probably never break. That is what having regrets mean.
But I was given another chance.
I don't know whether it was fate or a simple coincidence. I am alive. At the very start of a new journey. Even if there are chains dragging me down, I have a chance to press forward.
It's not starting over. It's not a clear reset. That's childish thinking. The things I have done will not disappear. But I will keep on living despite them. To do otherwise, to waste this precious second chance, would be the same as spitting in the face of the me who decided to "Live without regrets."
I did not want to die. I did not want to be reborn. I didn't hate the person I was before. But I am here, now. I have no power over the past.
I can only change the future.
So I will make full use of this new life.
This is my decision.
***
This was the start... no, the continuation of my life.
***
Some time passed. I couldn't accurately know how much. My body was incredibly unreliable, sleeping whenever it pleased as if it belonged to someone else. I was in and out of consciousness, and the irregular intervals made it extremely difficult (and frustrating) to get a decent understanding of my surroundings.
As a side note, newborns are extremely sensitive, since most of their senses are just beginning to develop. My sense of smell, hearing and feeling in particular, were sharp beyond measure. I was uncomfortably aware of the texture of the blankets I was wrapped in, as well as the different aromas and noises that came from around me. It was mostly that what helped me make a rough idea of where I lived. My eyesight gradually adjusted to the brightness as well, and blurred splotches of colors slowly became solid shapes.
Eventually, I learned some things.
My name is Zack. At least, that's what my mother calls me all the time. That name is the only consistent sound I hear when she picks me up from my cradle to feed me or talk to me. I kinda like it... Though I would have liked a more noble name. Like Alexander Magnus. Or Balgador the Bonecrusher, or something like that. Something powerful.
Okay, maybe not the last one. I'm staying with Zack after all.
My parents are Elise and Roy Holdred. I heard my father's last name while he was being scolded by Elise. Apparently, calling someone by their full name is a universal method of declaring you're pissed.
Elise is... young. As in, "barely legal" young. She can't be more than twenty years old. Like I mentioned before, she is stunningly beautiful. Her skin is porcelain white, like the sun has never touched it before. Her waist-long silver-blonde hair is almost always styled in a long braid that falls to her back, leaving her beautiful turquoise-colored eyes in full view. Her whole face is glorious, but those eyes are what makes the difference. It's like her irises were cut from gemstones, twin jewels filled with kindness. I can see why Roy fell for her. There's also another reason. Well, a pair of reasons, actually. I won't say more for the sake of discretion. That I was born a boy fills me with relief, but seeing those, I can't help but thing that there is so much wasted potential in these genes...
Twenty is still a young age for having children though. Too young. Roy looks barely a few years older than her, too. I wonder what had them in such a rush. Well, maybe I was a mistake? The product of a night of reckless passion. "Honey, the box is empty..." "Hah...! I don't care any more, make me yours...!" ... That kind of thing?
Well, even if that were the case, the warmth with which Elise speaks to me doesn't feel like the tone someone would use on an unwanted child. I'm probably safe... I think.
Also, they're incredibly young, and yet, they have a house of their own already!
My house is the thing that surprised me the most.
The walls are built with stone bricks. The floor is made of wooden planks. The ceiling is also made out of wood, combined with some limy grey stuff that I hope is used for insulation. If that were just mold overgrown in my house, I don't think I can have much hope for this new life of mine.
Also, fire.
These people use fire for everything. Instead of modern lamps, the rooms are lit by flickering candlelight, stored in glass lamps to reduce the risk of something catching fire. Cooking is also made with fire, if the smells of burning coal and roasted meat are anything to go by.
Not a lamp or an outlet in sight.
Let me clarify that my family doesn't seem to be poor. At least, Elise and Roy are both well fed and healthy. The clothes they use are clean, though...
Primitive. Everything here is primitive. It's like my parents belong to the middle class, but of a medieval society. They don't seem to use electricity, or even gas. And there's also the problem of language. It's not that I don't understand it. It's that I don't even recognize it. It doesn't even sound remotely familiar.
Maybe I was reincarnated in the Middle Age?
I mean, the concept of rebirth on itself is pretty much ridiculous. If my soul was able to find a new body to inhabit, is it that difficult to believe that this body belonged to the child of a happy couple in the XII century?
If that's the case... Well, to be honest, I'm worried. Health and sanitary issues were a big problem at the time. If a common flu could kill me right now... I should take real good care of myself, just in case. It won't do to get a second chance in life just to die to a constipation.
Superstition is also one of my concerns... I should do my best to hide whatever knowledge a peasant isn't supposed to have. Such as basic multiplication. Or reading and writing.
Ugh... I the future doesn't look so bright now. Maybe I should become an apothecary or something? Or a priest? If you can't fight them, join them... Though I think I'm too laid back to be religious. I mean, I don't deny the existence of God. Come on, I just go reincarnated! But converting to Catholicism is another story altogether...
Fortunately, social interactions don't look like they will be a problem for the near future. With Elise carrying me through the house, I have had the opportunity to look out from the windows several times.
The sight that greets me is that of a peaceful grassland in the outskirts of a forest.
So yeah, we're most definitely not in a city. Actually, I don't think whatever this place is even counts as a town.
I have heard other people come to the house somewhat often, so it can't be the bottom end of the world... Most likely a village then.
A secluded village at the edge of the forest. It's as appealing as it sounds. The weather is great, too. Neither too hot nor too cold, and mostly sunny with a chance of gentle rain.
If this is really XII century Europe, as I assume, I might have gotten lucky. Comfortable living circumstances, just the perfect amount of isolation, excellent weather... And loving parents.
Extremely loving parents.
Uh... Elise? You're suffocating me, you know? Could you please pull me out? Even the twin peaks of bliss can house a valley of death...!
I tried to complain as my face was unceremoniously stuffed between paired pillows of alluring death. A few sounds managed to come out, fortunately, and Elise pulled me from certain (enjoyable) death to rub her face against mine. She said a few words, including my name, and kissed my forehead, before lowering the bundle that was my body and uncovering her breast.
As a young adult (mental age), I have two serious problems right now.
The first is... Well, I'm currently running into awkward situations such as this.
How do babies manage this stuff without dying of embarassment?!
I am aware, logically, that I must feed if I want to keep living and grow into a somewhat self-sufficient human being. That doesn't make it easier to accept the fact that I am being offered the forbidden fruit of Eden. The fact that Elise would be around my age only makes it embarrassing. Fortunately, I am both morally and logically unable to feel excitement from this.
I wonder what Roy would think about his son if I developed an Oedipus complex.
I'd rather be accused of sorcery. For several reasons.
The other problem I find myself in is... Language.
No matter how hard I try, I can't even start to grasp the local language. If I were mentally a newborn, maybe I would somehow instinctively learn these things as time goes by. Unfortunately there's nothing I can use for reference, and I doubt enough time has passed since my birth for my parents to start trying to teach me by themselves.
If you've ever found yourself in an unknown environment without any way of clearing your doubts, you might know exactly how frustrated I feel right now.
Maybe I'm better off waiting for things to fix themselves... But I am so bored I think I could die of it. If I have to wait months to start understanding the things that happen around me, I might just throw myself from my cradle. And I'd like to avoid thinking about how much time will have to pass before I can properly hold back the... calls of nature.
Seriously. I've read a ton of reincarnation stories, but none of them accurately convey the frustration of being trapped in your own body.
Maybe I should find a mental exercise for myself, for whenever I am bored and have nothing to do. Which is most of the time these days. Maybe I'll make a mental checklist of stuff that I want to try out in this life...?
Well, that sounds better than nothing.
Mental checklist:
Item 1: Meet a real life nun.
Preferably, young. Also, if possible, with a killing bod.
I'm not thinking about impure stuff. It's merely for touristic purposes... I swear! So stop squeezing me so hard, Elise! Please?!
"...!"
The iron grip around my shoulders suddenly loosens. I give a grateful look at my savior, Roy. He just came home from the forest after his usual morning walk, a basket filled with herbs on his hand, and struck a conversation with Elise.
Oh, yes. Roy Holdred. The man of the house. I think I've neglected my monologuist duties by mostly ignoring him.
Roy is... well, Roy.
I'm sorry. The guy is so underwhelmingly commonplace that I almost feel bad for him. If this were an isekai, he would be the protagonist, on account of his absolute normalcy. His dark wavy hair is cropped short, revealing deep dark eyes that seem to hide a wealth of wisdom. That "I might look normal but I'm somewhat smart" look is basically the only redeeming feature of his, along with his voice (and seriously, forgive me Roy, but why must you have that voice?!) He is somewhat on the short side, just barely taller than Elise (who isn't very tall either, at least by modern European standards). I think he's a botanist, because he always leaves for the forest early in the morning and comes back with a new batch of herbs and mushrooms. Maybe some of the smells that waft from the basement I still haven't identified are a result of his work?
Whatever the case, when looking at Roy, then to his wife next to him, a single question arises.
How did this guy get himself a girl like Elise?!
This same question has been nagging at me for quite some time. I definitely must learn the secret. If there is such a thing as a Holdred Secret Flirting Technique, I must absolutely learn it!
Okay, let's check that list again.
Item 2: Learn the Holdred Secret Flirting Technique
Priorities are important.
With those two in mind, I tried to come up with new, more ambitious (and noble) goals to add to that list, until I eventually fell asleep.