Stark had been paralyzed for a month.
Thirty days. Seven hundred twenty hours. Forty-three thousand two hundred minutes. And every single one of them, he had spent lying flat on the cracked, slime-streaked tiles of the sewer, staring at the ceiling—or more accurately, the sewage-stained water dripping above him like some kind of malicious disco ball.
The first few days weren't unbearable. Stark kept his sanity alive through sarcasm.
"Well, this is fine," he muttered, rolling what little crumb movement he could muster. "Just me, the walls, the water, the smell… perfect conditions for my vegan cookie life. I love it. Woohoo?"
By the third day, he was singing.
"🎵 Vegan, Vegan, I'm a Vegan Cookie, what a great life… woohoo? 🎵"
The echo bounced through the tunnels. Rats scattered. Mold shrugged. Sewer water didn't care.
By the end of the first week, Stark had named every mold patch he could see. Barry, Todd, Susan, and of course, Gerald the Filthy.
By week two, he was counting… poorly.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21, 22, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28…"
"Stop judging me," he muttered aloud. "Counting is hard when you've been crushed, flattened, exploded, and reborn as a cookie in a sewer filled with monsters."
The month dragged on. He sang again. He counted again. Occasionally he whispered motivational phrases to the moss, like:
"You can do it… stay moldy… stay disgusting…"
At last, on the thirtieth day, Stark's body twitched. A spark of energy flared in his Diamond Cookie core.
The paralysis lifted. He wobbled upright, cracking crumbs like brittle armor.
"Finally. I… I can move!" Stark cheered. "Oh, what a great life."
The System chimed in immediately, cold and precise:
[Quest Activated: Escape the Sewers]
[Objective: Reach the surface safely]
[Warning: Environment unstable. Collapsed tunnels, rocks, and rubble detected]
"Of course," Stark muttered, groaning. "Just when I think I'm done being a victim of sewers, the universe decides to throw in a bonus dungeon crawl. Woohoo, again."
⸻
He stared around. The sewers were wrecked. His own self-destruction from the Pizza Beast fight had reduced portions of the tunnel to rubble. Concrete chunks jutted out at awkward angles. Rocks tumbled at the slightest shift. Bits of sewer walls hung precariously, dripping toxic sludge into the water.
He shivered. "You've gotta be kidding me. I survive a Pizza Beast, explode myself, and now I'm trapped in my own debris pile? Really? Really?"
The System beeped:
[Caution: Move quietly. New monsters may be attracted by noise]
Stark muttered something that sounded suspiciously like a curse in cookie language. Then he started moving, inch by crumbly inch.
The first tunnel was half-collapsed. Stark had to wriggle through gaps barely wider than himself. His cookie surface scraped against jagged rocks, chunks flaking off with every squeeze.
"OW! STOP IT!" he yelled. "Stop crushing me! I'm a Diamond Cookie! I'm supposed to be indestructible! Well… mostly indestructible!"
The tunnel rattled. A pile of rocks wobbled. Stark froze.
"Shhh… quietly… you're a cookie ninja… a tiny, crispy ninja of justice… go…"
He inched past, heart pounding. Gravel crunched under his brittle body. Sewer water splashed on his back. A drop of sludge hit his chocolate chip like a tiny landmine.
"Seriously," Stark muttered, "why is life like this? I'm covered in poop, cheese, and now… rocks. What a great career choice."
Halfway through, a particularly large slab of concrete had shifted during his last explosion. Stark had to shimmy under it. His arms scraped the jagged edges, chunks of his cookie body flying like sad confetti.
"HEY!" he screamed at the slab. "STOP RUINING MY LIFE!"
A dripping spout of sewer water splashed onto him. "UGH! This is worse than the Pizza Beast! And that was literally a molten meat nightmare!"
Every step was a risk. Rocks teetered, sludge pooled, and in one narrow passage, he nearly got stuck entirely. His brittle body twisted unnaturally. He froze.
"Okay… okay… slow… slow… breathe… cookie yoga…"
He inched forward. Inch by painful inch.
⸻
The Singing
To keep sane, Stark sang. Louder this time.
"🎵 Vegan, Vegan, I'm a Vegan Cookie! 🎵"
Echoes bounced. Mold patches seemed to sway approvingly. Or maybe that was sewer gas making him hallucinate.
He counted again, with his classic flawed logic:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21, 22, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28…"
"Perfect," he muttered. "I've officially lost my cookie mind."
⸻
Eventually, he reached the largest collapse. A pile of rubble stretched above him like a jagged mountain. He had to climb. Every crumb cracked. Every movement risked sliding him back into filth.
"Alright, Stark," he muttered. "Time to be a cookie hero. You survived poop, Pizza Beasts, and a month of paralysis. Don't die now on some rocks."
He grabbed a jagged stone, wincing as it scraped his doughy shoulder. He climbed, then slipped. A chunk of his back broke off.
"AAAAAAH! MY BEAUTIFUL COOKIE BODY!"
He clawed forward, using Crumb Shot to dislodge smaller rocks blocking the path. He squeaked like a tortured biscuit, sweat—well, cookie sweat—dripping into the muck.
At last, he popped through the last jagged stone, sliding into a slightly larger chamber. The sewer continued upward. Light from a distant grate shimmered.
"Yes… yes… I see… freedom?" Stark whispered.
⸻
Cliffhanger
He paused, exhausted, battered, cracked, but alive.
The System chimed:
[Warning: Surface exit unstable. Prepare for final climb.]
Stark leaned back, wobbly. "Why do I get the feeling the universe isn't done with me yet?"
He took a deep, crumbly breath.
"Vegan… Vegan… I'm a Vegan Cookie," he muttered again, letting the mantra carry him forward.
The tunnel ahead loomed like a final challenge.
And somewhere in the shadows, he heard the faintest shuffle. New monsters, or maybe survivors, or maybe just sewer rats…
"Great," Stark groaned. "Woohoo?"