Stark stood in the slimy sewer corridor, still dripping from his involuntary toilet slide, staring up at the abomination that loomed before him.
The monster was massive, like some chef from hell had tried to cook a pizza but then left it in the sewer for ten years until it mutated into a flesh-eating nightmare. Its crust bubbled with mold, its cheese dripped like lava, and pepperoni slices oozed grease that burned holes in the brick floor whenever they fell.
Worst of all—its eyes were two giant black olives, rolling around grotesquely as it locked onto him.
"…You've got to be kidding me," Stark muttered, backing up. "I got flushed down a toilet just to fight an Italian dinner special from Satan?"
The Pizza Beast roared—a sound like ten people chewing with their mouths open at once—and charged.
⸻
The Crushing Begins
Stark dodged left. Or at least, he tried. His tiny cookie legs slipped on sewer slime, and instead of dodging, he got body-checked by a ton of molten cheese and crust.
CRUNCH.
His cookie body cracked. Chunks of him scattered onto the floor.
"AHHHHHHH! MY FROSTING!" Stark screamed, rolling across the ground. "My perfectly smooth cookie surface! It's ruined! I look like a stale Chips Ahoy!"
The Pizza Beast didn't care. It stomped toward him, drooling tomato paste like a dripping waterfall.
Stark scrambled up, shaky but determined. "Alright, Stark. You're a Diamond Cookie. You survived stomach acid. You survived poop. You can—"
SLAM.
The Pizza Beast belly-flopped on him. The weight crushed him flat, cheese sizzling against his body.
"AAAAAAAAH! I'M BEING USED AS A GODDAMN PIZZA STONE!"
When the beast rolled off, Stark peeled himself up, burned, greasy, and furious.
"Okay," he wheezed, pointing a crumb-filled finger at the monster. "Rule number one: NEVER mess with a vegan's body. You're going down, mozzarella nightmare."
He charged.
⸻
Every Attempt Ends in Disaster
Attempt One: Punch.
Stark leaped onto the Pizza Beast's crust and tried punching it. His fist sank in.
The crust absorbed the blow and then snapped shut like a Venus flytrap. CHOMP.
Stark screamed as half his arm crumbled off. "I JUST GOT EATEN BY BREAD!"
Attempt Two: Bite.
Fueled by desperation, Stark bit into the beast's bubbling cheese.
Instant regret.
"GAAAHHHH! IT'S SCALDING! IT'S LIKE EATING LAVA LASAGNA!" He spat, crumbs flying. His tongue felt like it had been dunked in acid.
Attempt Three: Body Slam.
"Fine. You want heavy? I'll give you heavy!" Stark launched himself in a kamikaze leap.
The Pizza Beast tilted slightly. Stark bounced off harmlessly like a cookie-shaped ping pong ball.
"…That didn't even hurt you, did it?" he groaned from the floor. The Pizza Beast answered by dripping grease onto him.
It burned.
⸻
The 700 Words of Pain
The fight dragged on endlessly. Stark kept throwing himself at the beast in every way possible: kicking, scratching, rolling like a cookie bowling ball. Every time, he was met with new humiliations.
• The Pizza Beast smothered him under a wave of cheese, and he spent a full minute screaming as he drowned in mozzarella strings.
• It squashed him flat, then peeled him up like gum stuck under a shoe.
• Once, it actually sat on him, its crusty weight grinding him into the sewer tiles.
"THIS ISN'T A FIGHT!" Stark shrieked after the tenth crushing. "THIS IS A BUFFET WHERE I'M THE PLATE!"
The Pizza Beast growled, pepperoni eyes glowing red, and unleashed a barrage of molten cheese bullets. Stark zigzagged desperately, his cookie body sizzling whenever he got grazed.
"I SWEAR, IF I SURVIVE THIS, I'M SUING ITALY!"
But nothing worked. Stark couldn't even scratch it. His blows chipped his own cookie body more than the monster. His crumbs littered the floor like confetti at his own funeral.
⸻
System Awakens
Stark collapsed at last, lying broken and exhausted in the slime. The Pizza Beast towered over him, drooling greasy strings onto his face.
"Fine," Stark rasped. "Kill me. Just… just do it fast."
The System's cold voice rang in his head:
[Warning: Critical Condition.]
[New Emergency Protocol Unlocked.]
[Cookie Self-Destruction Activated.]
Stark's crumbs froze midair. "Wait… self-destruction?! That sounds—"
He didn't finish. His entire cookie body began to glow, cracks of light spreading across him like a bomb about to go off.
"Oh. OH. OH NO. NO NO NO. I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR—"
BOOOOOOOM!
The sewer shook as Stark exploded in a burst of blinding energy. The Pizza Beast wailed, its crust shattering, cheese evaporating, pepperoni eyes bursting like balloons. The blast incinerated the abomination into greasy ash.
⸻
Respawn
Silence.
The sewer was scorched black. Smoke rose from the remains of the beast.
And in the center, a faint glow shimmered. Slowly, Stark's cookie body reformed, piece by piece, until he was whole again.
He gasped, trembling. "I… I respawned? I—holy crap, I actually blew myself up…"
The System confirmed:
[Self-Destruction Complete.]
[Pizza Beast Eliminated.]
[User Reformed from Diamond Cookie Core.]
[Warning: Mobility Suspended for 12 Hours.]
Stark twitched. Tried to move. Couldn't.
"Oh, great," he muttered, lying flat on the sewer tiles like a soggy Oreo. "I'm alive, but I can't move a single crumb. Perfect. Just perfect."
His eyes shifted toward the pile of greasy ash where the Pizza Beast had been.
"At least… at least I killed it."
He sighed. "God, I hate pizza."
Then, faint footsteps echoed down the sewer tunnel. Something was coming. Something that had heard the explosion.
Stark's crumbly eyes widened.
"Oh, no. Not again…"