Why does it feel like every day is getting heavier? Honestly, it's not like things are that complicated… I know they're not. I'm just… making them complicated in my head. But no matter how much I try to ignore them, the thoughts keep blocking my mind again and again. Ugh… I'm such a mood-changer.
Last night, I was drowning in these thoughts, overthinking everything. But today… today felt a little lighter. Why? Because Ayyan asked me for a book.
I handed it to him, and he was normal with me—okay, maybe pleasantly normal. There was this one notebook with a drawing of a lion cub on it, and he asked, "Can you give me the book with the dog's kid?"
I blinked. "Excuse me?"
He laughed. "You know… the one with the English notebook, dogs' kid."
I tried to keep calm. "Ayyan… it's not a dog kid… it's a lion cub."
He paused. "Ohoo really?"
I handed him the notebook, and for a moment, Ayesha was watching. And… I don't know why, but something in that small moment made me feel… happy. A little spark of normalcy in the chaos.
Then he said, "I'll return it to you in the last lecture."
I nodded, trying not to overthink it. And yet… even this tiny interaction stirred something in me. Four to five months with these people, three or four good friends, my crush still doesn't notice me… well, my attraction, I mean. I try to ignore it, but I do want to see him sometimes.
Even though everyone knows me now, I still feel… alone. Incomplete. Maybe I'm just missing Anisha. Admit it or not, it hurts. Current situation? Yeah… sad. Bad. Frustrating. But mostly… heavy.
Here's the twist: the next day, Vani Ma'am was on leave. Some random students were coming in—God knows why. Since Era usually sits in the mid-benches, I sat with her… or rather, behind her.
And guess what? Era didn't show up today.
God… seriously?! .i am requesting you to be good with me !!!!!
Era not coming today felt unfair. Like… really unfair. The one day I actually needed her presence, she vanished. I stood there for a second, holding my bag, looking around the class like I didn't belong anywhere.
So I sat quietly. Alone. Again.
Without Vani ma'am, the class was louder than usual. Some students from other sections kept coming in and out, laughing, roaming, acting like school was a picnic spot. For everyone else, it was fun. For me, it was just noise.
I kept opening my notebook, then closing it. My pen stayed still. My mind wasn't.
And then—
Ayyan passed by.
Just passed by. Nothing special. No eye contact. No smile. No words.
And yet… my heart noticed.
I don't know why I keep expecting something when I've already told myself I don't care anymore. Maybe habits don't disappear that easily. Or maybe feelings don't listen to logic.
I tried to focus. Really tried. But the bench felt too empty, too cold. Usually Era would turn back and whisper something random. Or Shela would pass a comment that would make me laugh. Today? Nothing. Just me and my thoughts.
The last lecture came, and Ayyan returned my English notebook like he promised.
"Thanks," he said, casually.
"That's okay," I replied, just as casually.
Two normal sentences. That's it.
And somehow… that hurt more than silence.
Because it proved something I didn't want to admit:
I mattered only when I was useful.
When the bell rang, everyone rushed out, talking about homework, plans, food. I packed slowly, pretending I wasn't watching people leave in groups while I stayed behind for a second longer.
I walked out alone.
On the stairs, I stopped and took a deep breath.
Why does everything feel so heavy when nothing actually happened?
Maybe this is what growing up feels like—
Smiling on the outside, breaking quietly on the inside.
And as I stepped out of the school gate, one thought kept repeating in my head:
How long can someone stay strong when they feel invisible every single day?