[ Regaining Consciousness: Loading Complete ]
[ Up and shining, sunshine. Don't have time to bedrot all day ]
Where am I? The hospital?
Right, I was beaten up by a goblin in a Seven-Eleven. And that was an original thought.
Great.
"You're awake. Try not to get up, kid, you had a serious concussion!", the nurse said, readjusting the tempo of the IV drip.
"How long was I out, ma'am?"
"A few hours. You took a pretty big hit. The police are waiting outside for your statement. Are you lucid enough for that?"
"I guess so. My head is killing me…"
"I'll up the dosage to ease out the pain. Great gesture, kid, but don't be such a hero next time. You could have gotten brain damage from those punches. It's a miracle you didn't."
[ Nah, fam, no miracle. Just me and my mad skill ]
Is this really the time to be smug? I almost got killed. And your cryptic message only helped that much.
[ Babe Annoyance Increased by 5% ]
Can you not pout right now? I can't put off a show for you right now. My brain is kind of shaken up, you know?
"Are you ok, kid? You went silent and started staring into space."
Great, now I am acting like a weirdo cuz of you.
"Oh, sorry, I just tried to gather my thoughts."
"Just press the button if you feel something is wrong. I'll send the police in and come to check on you later."
"Thank you, ma'am."
She nodded and left the room.
Please, please, please, don't embarrass me in front of the cops, Babe. I don't want to go to prison!
Look at me! Ain't no way I won't be eaten alive there.
[ No cap there, chat. They would slurp you dry like you're a matcha in the hand of a performative man. ]
So we agree, right? You won't make me do anything weird in front of them, ok?
"Hello. I am Officer A̴͚͖̽l̴̳̀̚b̶̗̌̂e̴̖͆̊r̷͙̬͌t̵͔̂ and she is Officer J̴̘͚̪̃a̶͇͑͌n̴̺͝e̵̮̙̜̓̕. We would like to ask you a few questions about what happened if you feel well enough to answer."
Can you not make them glitchy? It's not helping my headache.
"I am feeling relatively ok. Please, ask away, officers."
"Great. Could you tell us what happened?"
I fought a goblin with an unsealed powder pepper jar and a meltdown, crushed pineapple ice cream.
"I was shopping when this guy entered the store and started to shout and bang his fist on the counter."
"What did you do next?"
Tried not to piss my pants mostly.
"Well, the girl behind the counter seemed in danger so I tried grabbing a pepper jar."
"A pepper jar?"
"Yeah. I didn't have pepper spray so I took one of those condiment containers off the shelf to shake in his eyes, get the girl and run for help."
"Strange, his eyes didn't seem irritated."
Man, this is embarrassing.
"I-I forgot to take off the plastic seal…"
The male officer started to laugh, trying his best to muffle the sound and stay professional. His partner cleared her throat to correct him, but a smile was blooming on her face as well.
[ Social Status -1% ]
Dude, the situation is embarrassing as it is. Don't twist the knife!
"What happened next?" the nice woman officer asked, slightly amused, yet still borderline professional.
"Least to say I got his full attention. He punched me - baam- my back slammed against the refrigerator. He then climbed on top of me—"
[ Kinky ]
Shut up!
"We can take a break if you need one. We lost you a few seconds there— is it because of the concussion?", the guy asked, sounding genuinely worried.
Stop talking! You make me look like a nutjob in front of the police!
"Sorry, I am fine, sorry. He climbed on top of me to deliver the final punch. When I was thrown in the refrigerator, I landed on a pineapple ice cream. It melted and crushed under me so it dirtied my hands. When I tried to claw the guy's face in an attempt to escape, the ice cream got on him."
"How did you know he was allergic to pineapple?"
"I didn't. Guess I just got lucky."
The two officers exchanged a few glances as they took some notes. Their faces got glitchy and pixelated so I couldn't decipher what that meant.
"Do you want to press charges?"
"No. The guy looked dangerous. Just make sure he doesn't get close to me or that girl again— she said he was stalking her, so please look into that too."
They nodded and smiled. I think.
"You did great, kid, but don't be a hero next time. You might not get lucky again!"
I nodded along and smiled as the officers exited the room.
My head is throbbing and I can't seem to focus my vision. The heart monitor next to me started to glitch as well.
A guy appeared on it. A shiver formed down my spine as he started to smile on the screen, revealing the kind of smile only a creepypasta lover could describe.
I knew exactly who he was, despite it being the first time I saw him.
Babe.
[ Am I eating with this look or am I eating with this look? ]
What is happening? Why are you glitching on my heart monitor screen? Is this a hallucination?
[ My God, chill with the Q&A ]
[ I've been cooking with what your bird brain thought it was your ideal type: green eyes, dark hair, nice smile ]
First of all, if that is Jeff the Killer type of smile and it's creeping me out.
Second of all, that is my ideal type of woman. You are a dude—
Nope. You are an AI.
Why would you want to look like my ideal type anyway?
[ Babe Annoyance Increased by 10% ]
[ Ugh. I've been slaying your ideal look and all I get is critique? It's giving reason for the men loneliness epidemic ]
What does that even mean?
And what was the deal with the goblin? Is that what you meant by alternating vision?
What is next? A fairy? An elf? A flying f-ck?
[ Rizz -1% ]
Right. Right. You're sensitive.
Fine.
So what do you want from me?
Why do you morph my reality and vision?
You are not here to help me— clearly— so what do you want?
[ Babe Ulterior Reason Status: Locked ]
[ Bond Status 1%. Please increase the status to 100% to unlock Babe Ulterior Reason ]
[ Failure Punishment: G̴l̴i̶t̷c̷h̷ ]
This is getting better and better…