Every dinner at home felt like an exam, and tonight I was already failing.
The silence at our dinner table was worse than a shouting match. My dad's eyes and stepmom's were even colder. At sixteen, I should have been thinking about homework or some silly crushes, but in our house, every word and every move felt like a test.
And no matter what I did, I always failed.
Tonight, my mistake was posture.
"Sit up, Anna," my father said, his voice as sharp as the steak knife held. "A lady carries herself with grace.
My back straightened at once, like a soldier obeying orders. Across the table, my stepsister smiled with smug pride. This was our routine –judgment at dinner, silence as punishment. I had learned to give up some parts of myself for their approval.
It was strange, living in the middle of New York City, a place that never slept, where people rushed through bright streets chasing their dreams, while inside our house, I felt stuck. The city outside was alive, but my world was silent and cold.
As soon as dinner was over and I could escape to my room, I grabbed my phone. Just one message from him was all I needed to be happy for the rest of the night.
Did you get to school okay? I typed
The reply came quietly. Got here safe. How's my perfect best friend?
Austin. My cousin. My best friend. My safe place. He never cared about polished manners or perfection. With him, I could just be me. I remembered a holiday a year ago, when we went to Central Park without any parents. We both tripped and fell, getting covered in mud, and laughed until our stomachs hurt. My parents would have been horrified, but Austin had simply wiped the mud from his face and said, "Well, now we know what a real mess feels like."
He was from a completely different world than mine. He was a free boy, but I was stuck in a house of expectations. His school was a short bus ride away, but it felt like a different universe.
My phone buzzed again with a new message from Austin. You should tell them no, Anna, just once. Maybe then they'll stop.
I stared at his words. I wanted to believe him, but he didn't live under their eyes. I can't. Austin. Let's not talk about this, and don't worry about me, I'm doing fine, I replied, though it didn't feel better at all. I put my phone down. I knew the conversation was over before it even started.
The holiday break felt more like a punishment than a rest. At home, I felt trapped. I was counting the days until I could go back to boarding school. It was far from perfect, but at least there I had some space from my parents' constant demands. So when Austin suggested inviting a few friends over –just music, laughter, something small -I agreed. All of us were celebrating the end of our national exams.
The air was full of laughter and music, and for a short while, I almost forgot where I was. For the first time, I felt like a normal teenager, not the perfect girl. I was just about to hand a plate of cookies to a friend.
When my stepmother, Susan, walked in from work. Her heels clicked against the floor like gunshots. The room froze.
"Anna," Her voice was icy. "Who told you that you could throw a party in my house? Who said you could give away food and drinks? You don't pay for anything in this house."
I felt my face turning red with embarrassment. I froze, the plate of cookies still in my hand. Austin, who was standing next to me, looked just as shocked. The room went silent, the happy mood completely shattered. My friends stared at their shoes, and a few mumbled sorry and then left. They just walked out and left me standing there, feeling totally humiliated.
As they left fast, I just stood there, not knowing what to do. As Susan walked off to her bedroom. Austin put his hand on my shoulder, but I just shrugged it off and ran to my room, tears blurring my vision. He followed me, shutting the door behind us.
"Are you okay?" he asked, but he knew the question felt pointless. We both knew the answer.
I shook my head, my voice quiet with shame. "I'm so tired of it this, Austin. I'm just so tired of acting like everything is okay, and I'm tired of not having a normal kid's life. I just want to feel okay being myself. I am not perfect."
"Then don't, Anna," he said, his voice full of a frustrated energy I wished I had. "You are still young; you can make mistakes. They're wrong, Anna. You don't have to be perfect, and you have every right to eat and share things with your friends. You did nothing wrong."
I knew he was right, but that didn't stop me from feeling ashamed. We didn't talk about it for the rest of the holiday. The last few weeks of my break were spent either in my room or with my cousin Austin, a way from the house. I could feel the days ticking down until I had to go back to school, and a part of me couldn't wait.
The days went by fast. Soon enough, it was time to go back to school. The morning came too fast. The day of going to school. I said goodbye to everyone, including my mom. My mom was stuck at her job because her boss was so strict that she couldn't get the day off. She wished me well over the phone, and I could hear the regret in her voice. But I was used to it. Her job always came first. I understood it; I always did.
My father and stepmother, Susan, each drove their own car to work without even offering me a ride to the bus station. The bus to my new boarding school was outside the city, so I dragged my heavy luggage and mattress to the bus station. I didn't think twice about it. I just told myself they must have a good reason to be so busy. They were adults, and their lives were more complicated than mine.
I pushed and pulled my cases through the crowded, messy bus station until I found the right bus and collapsed into a seat, the window showing me the blur of the city as we left. I finally felt a wave of relief. This was my new life.