MATHIAS
Sigamos atrapados
It's so irritating… no, that's putting it lightly. It's genuinely maddening. His presence is so irrelevant. 'What does she even see in that idiot?' She hasn't left his side since he arrived, and now even more so, since he's staying at the mansion. 'Why the hell do they always have to speak Russian?'
—Mathias?! Mathias? —Henry's voice brings me back to reality.
—What?
—You haven't heard a single word I've said because you're too busy watching those two —he gestures in their direction.
I cross my arms in response. What does he expect me to do? 'What exactly am I supposed to do?'
—You're unbelievable. You know they're just friends, right? Childhood friends, he already said it.
—Yeah, right, I sound like one of your conquests who believes everything you say. Don't be pathetic —I roll my eyes.
—Okay, let's say they have history, fine. What I don't get is your attitude... you're into a girl who couldn't care less about you, ehhh… and if she did at some point, well...
—You're seriously getting on my damn nerves, get the hell out if you're not going to say something that makes sense —I hadn't even noticed I'd stood up from the couch and raised my voice. Henry stares at me in surprise, getting up as well.
—We'll talk when you calm down. I'm not putting up with your crap. Just because the little prince can't process what he sees.
That was it. In that very moment, my fist was inches from his face. If it hadn't been for someone grabbing my arm tightly... when I turned slightly to see who it was, I met those dark eyes I despise, and behind him was Nefertary, who didn't show the slightest emotion or concern about the situation. I pulled my arm free from his grip.
—Bravo, Ludwig. You really screwed up this time —I look back at Henry, and he claps before walking away. What the hell was I about to do...
I just can't believe it. I was this close to fighting my best friend... or rather, my brother. 'Over some damn jealousy?'
I leave the room seconds later and head to my bedroom. Once inside, I throw myself on the bed. I can't pretend I'm okay when it's clear I'm not. My head is a mess; it's hard to sort my thoughts. This is sick, and the worst part... I'm not even trying to get out. I'd rather stay stuck. 'I'm scared I can't even remember who I used to be.'
I decide to put on some music. Lately I've been doing it a lot—it's the only way I've found to escape this reality. But of course, you can't get a single second of peace in this place. The sound of knocking echoes through the room.
—I don't want to see anyone, so please leave —I say without moving. My words are ignored, and I soon hear the door opening.
—What do you want? —I snap.
I don't even need to see her to know it's her. Her perfume is unique, such a soothing scent, perfectly balanced between winter and summer tones. Too bad the person wearing it radiates none of that peace.
—Why so rude? —I roll my eyes.
—What does Her Majesty need? How can I be of service? —I say mockingly.
—You know damn well I hate when you call me that —I get up from the bed to stand in front of her.
—You hate it? —I scoff—. Of course, how could I forget… it's always about you. Every little detail has to be remembered if it's about you. You really are a fucking selfish bitch. But I can't change that. No one can.
—Get to the point.
Why is she so calm? It's like she doesn't even care how I feel, like nothing shakes her... it pisses me off even more.
—I know you and I don't have anything serious, we just fuck. Now, what I can't stand is having one of your little friends living in your mansion. I simply cannot breathe the same air as him. Call it jealousy or whatever the hell you want, but don't expect me to be part of one of your future orgies. I think I've made myself clear.
—Are you asking me to kick him out? —she asks, though it sounds more like a reproach.
—I'm asking you not to have your "little friends" in the same place. I'm reaching my limit. These past two months I've been falling apart, I don't even recognize myself anymore —I don't even know why I told her that. And worse, I can't control the tears sliding down my cheeks—. But it seems like you enjoy it. What kind of monster are you? —she tries to touch my face, but I push her hand away.
—No, I already know how this ends... you'll pretend to understand me, then we'll end up fucking, and we'll act like nothing happened, because everything's always fine between us… I don't even know why I'm telling you this if, in the end, you're as empty as a stone: hard, cold, pretending to be pitiful when in reality, you're only good at hurting people.
—I didn't ask to be like this, Mathias —she replies, with a hint of anger.
—Yet you are. And you like it so much you don't even try to change. Sometimes I think you might have a shred of empathy, but in moments like this, like now, I realize you're just manipulating. Everything is just another game for you. I still don't understand what you gain from keeping me here.
She says nothing. She just stares at me, looking into me. Eyes that are supposed to reveal everything about a person... hers say nothing. They're blue with a touch of gray, striking but empty. She simply doesn't seem human. 'And when was she ever?'
I leave the room. I need to get away from her, away from this world I don't belong in, the one I'm trying to fit into, trying to convince myself it's not as bad as it seems... even though it is. It always has been.
As I leave the mansion, one of the drivers starts walking toward me, but I signal him to stay where he is. I keep walking until I've left the property.
The sky is overcast, and I have to admit I'm not really a fan of days like this. Everything reminds me of her—that lifeless stare that lingered as the seconds passed. The one that tried to bring peace, but it was clear she was afraid... that she still wanted to stay. I lost her four years ago. I lost the only woman who was perfectly imperfect, with such pure feelings... Since that day, I didn't know I'd be this alone in life. The clouds finally release the raindrops they'd been holding, soaking me, blending with each of my tears. The wind joins in, making my exposed skin shiver from the cold.
The best companion for loneliness, without a doubt, is a rainy, freezing, and dark day. That mix of sensations and emotions is impossible to explain, unless you've already lived it. And here I am, a mess of emotions, building walls that are far too easy to tear down.
✧────── ༉───✦───༉ ─────✧
Within an hour, I had already walked to my father's mansion. I knocked twice, and it didn't take long for Lala to appear, her expression full of concern when she saw me.
—But what happened to you, young Mathias? Come in, I'll go get you some towels.
With that, she rushed off to find them. I sat down on one of the couches. I felt empty, as if my emotions had shut off and I were on airplane mode, just watching life pass me by while I did nothing to take control of it.
—Here they are —she placed one over my shoulders—. Why are you like this?
—The car broke down and I forgot my wallet —I lied. She noticed. Aside from my mother, she was the one who knew me best.
—Alright... I'll make some soup so you can warm up.
—I don't feel like eating. I just want peace. I'll go to the study —I got up from the couch—. I don't want to see anyone, and if someone insists, just say I'm unavailable.
I walked down one of the hallways that led to the bar. I grabbed a bottle of vodka from the shelf, a glass, and a jar of ice from the fridge, then headed back toward the study.
Once inside, I sat beside one of the armchairs facing the garden.
I don't know how much time had passed or what time it was, I just knew I was sitting on the floor, still staring outside, which was now dark. I'd already finished one bottle and was starting on the second. I had achieved my goal of setting my feelings aside. I heard the door open, making me look up instinctively.
—What the hell is... —his words trailed off. I could feel the weight of his stare. Honestly, I would've preferred if he'd been on one of his damn business trips—. Are you crying?
I didn't respond.
It wouldn't change anything. As far as I was concerned, I didn't feel. Besides, why would he care? When he should've been there, he left. He chose to ignore his son. He changed so quickly, in a matter of seconds. He became cold and distant, until all he cared about was business.
—What's wrong? —I laughed bitterly at his question.
—Now you care? After I've been nothing but a burden to you —I slurred.
—You're my son, how could I not care about what happens to you? And you're not a burden, Mathias —I turned to look at him.
—Not a burden? Like when you left me in the hands of strangers without even asking if I wanted to be there? Without even having the decency to check on me?
—I thought that...
—"You thought"... Your assumptions are bullshit, Father —I cut him off—. You pushed away the only person you had left. You think her death didn't hurt me? You weren't the only one who lost someone they loved. And what was your solution? —Silence. So I continued—. You buried yourself in work, ignoring your reality. Ignoring the fact that you still had a son who needed you. And now you care about what's happening to me? Don't you think it's a bit too late?
Since my mother's death, I hadn't seen him cry—until now. Watching that tear slide down his cheek felt fake, pathetic, and hypocritical.
—I'm sorry... I thought I was doing the right thing. I...
—Empty words. That's all you've ever sown —As I tried to stand up, I nearly lost my balance but managed to stay on my feet. He moved to help me, but I pushed him away instantly—. I don't need your help. I don't need anything from you. One of my "little flings" would be better comfort than you. After all, the word "father" is too big for you, Mr. Ludwig.
I left the study and headed to my bedroom. Once inside, I sat at the edge of the bed. This is shit. It's shit to feel like this. It's shit to cry over anything. It's shit to be completely... sad?! And it's confusing, because these are emotions way beyond what I've been used to feeling my entire life.
—Now you want to play the good dad? —I said as I heard the door open, though no answer came. My nose was instantly flooded by her scent—. What are you doing here?
—I was worried.
That actually made me laugh.
—You joining the fake words parade too? —she sat beside me.
—You know I don't lie, unless there's profit involved.
I let out a laugh that quickly turned into sobs. She wrapped her arms around me, gently playing with my hair, and I just let it happen. Me... sadness.
—Asking for forgiveness would be so hypocritical of me, Mathias. I'll just say that I understand the feeling of being stuck and having your emotions be a hurricane... of feeling like they shut off for a while, putting your life on pause, while everything else keeps going as if you didn't exist. And then, when you think you don't feel anything anymore... they explode.
—How... how can someone like you feel something like that? —I don't even know how I managed to form that question.
—Because when you lose the only person who understood you and tried to truly see you... you're forced to experience the most human side of yourself. And not everyone can understand that—not unless they've gone through it too... that's what connects us —she pulled away just enough to look me in the eyes.
—And how do you end it? —I could swear I saw something real in her eyes. Most likely I was hallucinating from the alcohol.
—We either learn to live with it, or we just...
—Just...
—We just cling to something that makes us feel better, even if, by holding it too close, we slowly destroy it, and it loses that shine of happiness it had the day we first saw it.
—This is toxic —I said with a knot in my throat.
—Way too toxic. But I can't let go of you, I can't walk away... It wasn't in my plans for you to become my calm... let alone my new refuge —that last part was barely a whisper. She leaned in, closing the distance I needed gone to kiss her. At first, it was a rough, desperate kiss from both of us, but then it turned soft, tender. For the first time, it felt somewhat real.
—You have no idea how much I hate you, Nefertary Ibagon —that made her chuckle a bit.
—You can hate me all you want, you can push me away, but keep in mind I'll always be by your side to protect you, even if I'm the one who hurts you... I'll always be there for you, Mathias Ludwig. Just remember I never said what we have would be healthy.
I let out a bitter laugh at that and kissed her again for a few more seconds, feeling the touch of her hands, her slightly racing heartbeat.
—Then let's drown together.