INT. THE ABSOLUTION ACADEMY HALLWAY – DAY
Rahbeem holds the glowing Ecto in his hand, with Professor Diaz and Beetle Bangz on either side of him.
RAHBEEM
What does this stuff do exactly?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Besides getting you high, if you take enough ectoplasm, you can dimension hop, turn invisible, and talk to creatures from other worlds.
RAHBEEM
Really?
They all start walking down the hall.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Professor Roth. While we were in the bathroom, did you feel anything strange? Any desire to sneeze, cough, or experience uncontrollable itching?
RAHBEEM
What? No. Why would that happen?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Well, I believe it's time to come clean: there's a specific reason I need you for this job, Professor Roth. You have a curse that makes you allergic to certain ancient forms of magic.
RAHBEEM
What? A curse? ME?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Yes, there are certain forbidden forms of magic I don't want in this school—magic so powerful it's undetectable to most of us teachers. This type of magic can hide itself from magic users, but you, as a normal human with that unique allergy, can sense it. If you have an allergic reaction, I'll know forbidden magic is nearby.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
I had you come into the bathroom with us to see if Vegas and his friends had gotten a hold of this magic.
RAHBEEM
WAIT A MINUTE, Who the hell put a curse on me?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
I can't say for certain, but when I ran a background check on you, I stumbled upon an old clip from the GREGORY SHOW and realized you might be carrying the curse!
A look of abject horror dusts Rahbeem's face, and he freezes.
RAHBEEM
JASMINE!
Beetle Bangz shakes his head and stomps his foot.
BEETLE BANGZ
Mmm-mm! The baby mama GOT HIM!
PROFESSOR DIAZ
I am sorry to break the news to you, Professor Roth, but to every curse there is a hidden blessing. This allergy makes you quite valuable to this school.
RAHBEEM
What kinda weird hex is that anyway? Made me allergic to forbidden magic? Why the hell would Jasmine put a weird curse like that on me?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
The allergy is more of a side effect of the actual curse. The actual curse is pretty rare...I think I've only seen it once.
PROFESSOR DIAZ (CONT'D)
...It caused uncontrollable flatulence whenever the victim saw a naked woman--
Rahbeem snatches Diaz and pulls him away from Beetle Bangz to talk privately.
RAHBEEM
(embarrassed)
What are you saying?!
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Don't be embarrassed, Professor Roth; Lots of people have had to deal with curses from a vengeful ex.
RAHBEEM
(growls)
Man, I don't need my almost step-daddy hearing that I can't stop farting when I get near a naked woman!
BEETLE BANGZ
It's okay, Rahbeem. We'll figure out how to solve your problem.
BEETLE BANGZ
Diaz, I bet you can hook my boy up with some kinda antidote! Can't have him beatboxing with his backside every time he's about to get intimate with a woman.
RAHBEEM
Yeah! There's gotta be an antidote or something. I'll pay you for it!
PROFESSOR DIAZ
(smiles)
No, Professor Roth. I will actually pay YOU. I need your unique talent, and I hope you understand what we're up against with the students in this school.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
So here's a deal: guide our students into the new magical world, use your allergy to identify restricted magic, and I'll provide you with the dispel for your curse!
RAHBEEM
You're kidding me, right? You want me to be a magic narc?
Rahbeem leans exhausted against the lockers in the hall.
RAHBEEM
If Jasmine put a curse on me for what happened between us, what the hell are these kids gonna do to me for snitching on them?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Be not afraid, Professor Roth! I will be here to protect you from any mystical mishaps!
PROFESSOR DIAZ
And besides the dispel for your curse, I will pay you quite handsomely! We pay the highest salary of any school on the East Coast.
BEETLE BANGZ
You always been good with kids, Rahbeem! It's big, fat white women you've had a problem with.
Rahbeem, still leaning against the lockers, hands him an annoyed look.
RAHBEEM
Look, Diaz, I've got more exploring of this place I gotta do before I can give you a yes or no on taking this job. Granted, a school full of drug addicted, hardheaded delinquents is nothing new to me. That's not a new world problem. That's the same old problem!
He stands upright and flexes his back.
RAHBEEM
I survived one day, so I guess that means something. And knowing Beetle Bangz is here does sweeten the deal!
He and Beetle Bangz bump fists and do another complex handshake routine.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Excellent! Well, I'm sure you two old friends have much to discuss. I will leave you here, and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow, Rahbeem!
RAHBEEM
Bright and Early for WHAT?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Bright and early for WORK!
Diaz begins to dissolve into a swirling, smoky purple haze.
RAHBEEM
I didn't say I was taking this crazy job--
Before he can even finish the sentence, Professor Diaz laughs maniacally.
Then lightning flashes within the purple mist, and Diaz vanishes.
Rahbeem swats away sparkly purple mist and looks at Beetle Bangz.
RAHBEEM
What is actually wrong with him?
BEETLE BANGZ
My guess is that when you live for 300 years, you become a goofball to keep life interesting.
Rahbeem sighs and looks down at the baggy of Ecto.
RAHBEEM
You know, seeing how you were handling Buck reminded me of how you used to be when I was a kid. You could have been a positive force in my life. Why'd you have to cheat on my mama?
BEETLE BANGZ
Why'd you have to cheat on your wife?
RAHBEEM
I probably got that from you!
BEETLE BANGZ
Sheeeet! You ain't get that from me. Ya mama was as black as Diaz's heart!
Rahbeem shakes his head and sighs, putting the Ecto into his pocket.
RAHBEEM
I was heartbroken when my mom kicked you out, man! You know how cool it would have been to tell people Beetle Bangz was my step-daddy? Now look how my life turned out! My baby mama is an actual witch, and I'm forced to be a guidance counselor for a magic school!
BEETLE BANGZ
Let me tell a hard truth about your mama, Rahbeem. She had another man in her life, too—
BEETLE BANGZ
(a beat)
And his name was JESUS!
Despite everything, Rahbeem chuckles, but Beetle Bangz continues in seriousness.
BEETLE BANGZ
And because of him, she wasn't putting up with any of my foolishness. She didn't care if I had a Batmobile, an "S" on my chest, or a can of spinach! She wasn't gonna let me teach her son to be a whoremonger. And that's why I got more respect for your mama than you can imagine.
Rahbeem smirks, and the two men clasp hands and pull each other into a hug.
Beetle Bangz pulls away from Rahbeem a little and waves a stern but fatherly finger at him.
BEETLE BANGZ
And I want you to remember that, yah hear? We in a "New World" now. That's what they keep telling us. But just because things change out there don't mean they gotta change in here.
He points to his chest.
BEETLE BANGZ
Remember how your mama raised you. As long as you remember that, you'll do fine in this place, no matter what you see. Because trust me, if you take this job, you gon' see a lot!
RAHBEEM
Thank you, boss!
BEETLE BANGZ
Anyway, you know good and well, I ain't never forgot about you, Rahbeem. I sent you birthday gifts every year until you were 15–
BEETLE BANGZ
(A BEAT)
And I only stopped because that was the year that space devil Belatrix ate the sun.
BEETLE BANGZ
(Hangs his head)
It was a dark year for me. Both figuratively and literally.
RAHBEEM
(Nods)
It was a dark year for us all.
Rahbeem sighs and glances around, appreciating the school. It appears bright and cheerful. The hallways are filled with hope that the human race can overcome this new phase, just as it has overcome other challenges in the past.
RAHBEEM
Anyway, maybe you and me can brainstorm about what we're gonna do to help these kids. Not sure what we can do though, because like I said, a school bubbling with racial tension and drug issues is nothin' new.
BEETLE BANGZ
Well, see, I done told Diaz, we wouldn't have all these problems with these kids if we just gave them some Quidditch!
RAHBEEM
(nods vehemently in agreement)
EXACTLY!
They slap five and do another complex handshake, and as soon as they're done—
The end
CUT TO BLACK