It's mid February already and time is passing by so quickly. Summer is in full flow and the days are a warm 29-30 degrees celsius. The Sun is bright and the weather is perfect. We haven't had rain in between this summer yet.
Next week, the Brazilian Carnival will begin officially. I never could get a hang of the dates, but this year, the unofficial ceremony started on the 13th. Originally the Carnival starts on the Friday before Ash Wednesday and ends on Ash Wednesday, so that's 5 days. But, here in Sao Paulo, people celebrate it for multiple days before and after as well. From the memories of Kaká, I could tell that it would be an amazing time. February 21 is the day official carnival holidays begin.
My family is big on these celebratory things. Christmas, Easter, Carnival, New Year, everything is celebrated. My mom spends extra time making costumes and buying all the accessories and stuff to participate in the parade as well. It is a happy time of the year. The music, the costumes, the people, the food, everything screams culture and celebration.
We wanted to have a carnival with something to celebrate as well. We wanted to win the round of 16 copa tie. We need to go to their ground and do it. 3-3 might sound like a decent score, but they have scored 3 goals here. The away goals rule is worrisome. So, we need to either win the tie outright or score 3+. After the last game, they would be ready for us. They would plan for the subs, for the playing style change and everything.
Based on our experience in the first leg, they had physically strong, intense players. Other than a brief period of 10-15 minutes they didn't look like they were tired. We are not as physical as them. Our team had technical players who are very good at basics. But, that won't be enough.
So after practice, I went to coach Alfonso and asked him what the game plan was. I was being very direct here. I do not know if it is the protocol, but I was tired of waiting. Getting a brief the day before the match is not working for me. It would be better if we were given instructions beforehand and worked on those areas, instead of focusing on regular practice and then working on stuff on the day of the game.
Coach Alfonso gave me a look. That look said it all. He was not happy with it.
"Kaká, we do things a certain way here. We don't play according to the opposition, we play to our strengths and adjust during the game. If we do everything perfectly like we practiced, we wouldn't need to worry about the opposition."
"Respectfully coach, that doesn't work. Last week we barely held on. They slacked off for a few minutes and with fresh legs, we were able to make a difference, this time they would be prepared. With better tactics."
He cut me off, and told me
"Listen here Kaká, you are playing really well and I can see that you want to win. But, we do things the right way first. We aren't going to change our system or players or the approach based on the opposition. We have an identity. We play technically sound football and we win. So let us focus on that part first."
I wanted to tell him that technical football did jackshit against the physically dominant team. All those passes amounted to nothing, all the skill meant nothing when they overpowered you on the ball and took possession. I wanted to tell him that it was our direct football that made those goals possible.
But, I didn't want to pick a fight with coaches this early. I played only three games here. So I bit my tongue and said "Yes coach!"
I was not disheartened. I mean, I expected this. Coaches have an idea of how they want to play and one player is not going to change their mind about the approach. Especially when that player is a fresh face. Now, if I was the captain and had been here for a while, then the discussion would be different. I need to earn that place first. To be able to discuss tactics and plans freely with the coach.
My time will come. I just need to keep calm and deliver. And make sure I achieve my own goals. A big part of that involves winning with the team. So I have to be a team player and not be a Maverick. At least not right now. Not with my stats.
We perfected runs, we practiced free kick routines, corner routines, positioning. I gave it my all in my training even though I thought that the plan was wrong.
The time to announce the squad came and Diego, Moraes and I made the starting eleven. Our eyes widened at this. I did not expect this at all. The more I thought about it, the more it didn't make any sense. Didn't he say that he wants to play technical football, thread multiple passes and then wait for the goal to come. Why were we picked then? He must know that we like playing direct football and keep it simple. Sus!
Oscar was on the bench and it was fine by him. He is confident that he is going to come on and score.
After that was done, the coach called me over.
"Listen here Kaká, tomorrow I want you to play the role of a proper midfielder. At least until I give you the go, play with the team, do not go for flashy passes and lose the ball. That will hurt us more. So, stick to the brief and do what you do best. Use the connection with Diego and Adriano to build a goal. Understood?"
"Yes coach! Got it"
"I saw the defense splitting passes you aim for, I see the 50yard pings you excel at, but they come with a risk. And I also saw that you're very good on the ball as well. I'm trusting you over Matheus because at some point we may switch and I would like to see you in action for that."
"Okay coach. I'll do it"
And I meant it. I am not bothered by the trophies at youth level. Trophies would mean more when the stakes are high and the team is in sync.
If we do win it, good. But it isn't the end of the world. My competitive side would come out anyway, but my sober mind says not to worry too much about this and not to burn bridges. He wants me to stick to the brief? I will stick to the brief.
February 19th, 1998
The second leg of the round of 16 is about to begin on Gremio's turf. We are here on their turf and they even had a couple of hundred people show up for support.
We were playing a bit differently today. A 4-2-3-1 is being used when we are off possession. Moraes and the captain were the double pivot, defending. The coach sacrificed one attacking midfielder for the additional help in midfield. I was on the right. Joe was on the left. Diego was playing in the middle just behind Adriano. This setup was not bad. In attack, Moraes joined the midfield and it became a 4-1-3-2.
Everyone of us was very disciplined and played according to the brief. Nobody made any mistakes and for 30 minutes we were rock solid. But, all of this came at a cost. There are multiple times when I wanted to lob a pass forward, or try a through ball but I held myself back.
The reason behind that is that I want to be a player that can fit any system and be the player a coach could trust. I am not going to get my way every single time. Especially not when I am so green. I need some actual experience in the middle and bleed a bit, to sit at the adult's table.
I was also testing to see how long I would last before snapping. Because even though I am being patient and have a passing accuracy of 100%, I didn't attempt a single risky pass. I always went for the safest option and moved the ball forward. And when under pressure, give it back to the midfield.
Anyone who has seen me play at U15 or U17 would be surprised at how good I am at keeping the ball. Because usually, after 3-4 passes, I get bored and I try something. It works most of the time ,but I also end up losing the ball. Maybe when I get into the mid 90s for passing, I wouldn't be losing it so much.
I used the opportunity to practice the passing masterclass Xavi taught. By now, I am able to consciously map out the positions of players. The next step is to predict the player movements and identify gaps. Once you identify the gap, you could use your abilities to either dribble into space or find a through ball, with the perfect weight on it. Too much on the pass and the forward would need to work too hard for it. Too little and the pass would be intercepted. It needs to be in the path of the player and at a pace that they should be able to control.
This skill would take a lot of time to perfect. I need to practice these passes hundreds if not thousands of times to really understand the weight on it. I also need to be in sync with the players. I need players I could trust. Their quality matters if I am to succeed as a playmaker.
I was very focused on the game in the middle. Worked my ass off in defense and we kept making small progress trying to break their pattern. We tested the waters a couple of times, with Diego launching a forward run and I tagged along, and tried to link up for a pass into the box. The final pass was not there, but we were getting close. We could feel it.
Then in the 38th minute, in a surprising move their coach made a substitution. Not a sub because of an injury. This was tactical. They switched to a 4-3-3 from a 4-4-2. The new guy added more pace and gave them an advantage in midfield for them.
This bore results as we were overwhelmed in midfield and I missed a tackle on the new guy and got a yellow card. They were awarded a free kick in a dangerous area and their captain scored directly from the free kick. That was a wonderful goal.
1-0. 4-3 Gremio on aggregate. 42minutes.
We needed to score 2 more goals if we are to survive the tie.
We were motivated enough already, but knowing that it was my tackle that resulted in the goal, I was extra pumped.
We had three minutes for half time. I forgot everything about the tactics and stuff. I was acting on the feeling of letting my team down. So, the next time we had possession, I took off from the right side. I dribbled past two players on the right and I was speeding on the sideline. I kept close control of the ball throughout and if they were to tackle, I would win a throw in anyway. Support arrived soon, with Diego and Moraes arriving near the centre to receive the ball.
But, I had no thoughts of passing the ball back. I was going for glory. Better ask for forgiveness than permission. Isn't that the saying? So, I pointed with my fingers as to where I would pass the ball, and Diego ran into the space there, but instead it was a fake call. They fell for it, and that let me cut inside. I played a quick one two with Moraes so that I could get into a better position and he delivered. He played a perfect pass to me, just at the edge of the box inside, and I hit it perfectly.
For a moment I thought that it was all worth it. But, the goalkeeper made a spectacular save and pushed the ball back. I was frozen. I was almost celebrating, and the ball was back in play. But, my hesitation cost me as the ball was cleared by them. Had I run immediately anticipating a rebound or a save, I would have been in the right position to tap in the ball. But, I was too far away, Adriano was off to the left and Diego was marked outside the box.
I didn't bother looking at the dugout and kept playing as if nothing happened. In the injury time, I took off again. This time, I didn't linger too much and instead put in a delivery for Adriano. He was there to meet it, but could only direct the header at the keeper, who collected the ball calmly.
I tried twice and failed twice. I shouted out in frustration. Halftime came and we were trailing by 1. We needed two goals.
During halftime, the coach praised our efforts, that we were doing things right, and that we should continue doing what we were doing. I didn't meet his eyes, worried that he would point out my mistake with the tackle or with my runs. I didn't want to hear about it right now. I would rather deal with it later.
No changes were made as we played decently, if we ignore our attacking output. We had possession, we defended well, we didn't face any shots on target and we had the better chances.
The game continued for 30 more minutes and nothing happened. They parked the bus in the second half and we couldn't make a difference in their half. It was 3 steps forward and two steps backwards. It was frustrating.
We were getting tired and they looked like they were jogging in the park. In the 76th minute, the dreaded moment came. The coach made three changes. He took out Diego, Adriano and me. He put in Oscar, Matheus and Luke. All three of us were surprised. But we didn't question it.
I was sitting there thinking. This was the first game where I didn't contribute a goal or an assist. That left a bad taste in my mouth. On top of that, I was the one who conceded the freekick that became a goal.
I was so busy moping around, that I missed the goal scored by Oscar. I came out of it when Diego slapped me on my back and everyone was celebrating wildly. Oscar was the one who scored. I missed it. And hope rekindled. For the next 10 minutes we were relentless. The front three had fresh legs and they were ferocious.
I forgot all about my disappointment and everything and I was cheering them on. Every attacking play was met with cheers from us loudly. 4 minutes if injury time were added and we won a corner in the 92 minute. Moraes took the corner and delivered a great ball, Andrey, who was our centre back, who is 6 '2 " met with it and it went in. The flag stayed down. Their players complained about a push in the box, but no VAR means that the goal stood. We were leading 4-3. All of us forgot the rules and we just ran wildly and celebrated with the team.
An injury time winner never disappoints. Matheus and Luke were incredible in the final minutes and they kept the possession. No matter how much pressure they were under, they didn't lose the ball.
That was enough for us and the whistle blew. We were through to the quarter finals.
It was wild in the dugout. The changes by the coach at the right moment might have made all the difference.
We went home with happy thoughts after the win. My parents didn't come to the game as they were preparing for the carnival. We had a break for the next week. We had a reason to celebrate on top of the carnival. Into the quarter finals.
All was not well with me though. There were bouts of time where I was zoning out. Thinking about the match. Thinking if my average performance was because of the tactics. Or because I was not good enough.
I thought that I was the main character. Without realising it, I developed an ego. I thought that we were winning because of me. But, today I didn't deliver. I was taken off. And yet, we won. Oscar scored. Matheus assisted. Andrey scored. This was a reality check.
But, I will ponder on these morose thoughts later on. I do not want to let my thoughts dampen the mood of the carnival. The win was all that mattered for now.
Five days of carnival awaited. Sao Paulo had a reputation for the parties. Even though I was tempted to visit the more risque parties and areas, I didn't want to attract any trouble. I stayed with my friends and family. We had a blast on the streets. We joined the parade.
I played the drums for two days. It was not a difficult job to follow the rhythm. I was fully decked out. We took loads of pictures. My mom had a beautiful feather dress. And she was brilliant. She danced her heart out.
All of our schedules were messed up. We would stay up late some days. We would wake up late, eat some fancy food, and join the party again. For five days, that was the only thing that mattered.
Gloria and their family also joined us on the last day. They didn't dress up for the occasion but they celebrated it nonetheless. Gloria was impressed by my mom's costume. She spent some with her, walking alongside her and talking and stealing some glances.
She approached me later on and tried to make small talk. I kept up my routine of dry responses. But, she was persistent. Asking about my days, about the matches, about my injury, about the upcoming world cup, everything. If I didn't have the mental block, she is a really nice person to talk to. She is knowledgeable about football, she has genuine interest in the game, she has big ambitions about being an engineer like her father, she cleans up well, and has a very genuine smile. But, I cannot deal with this now. So, I was not interested in anything she was talking about and kept my responses non verbal. But this girl doesn't get the hint.
Maybe I should be direct and let her know that I am not interested in anything right now. That would be the mature thing to do, instead of playing this uninterested dick. I decided that I will do that after the carnival is over. I need to put this and my negative thoughts out of my head before I resume my duties with the team.