Once the carnival was over it was back to business as usual. School in the morning, training in the evenings and extra training in the late evenings. Things kicked up a notch since we were in the round of 16 and the team started settling in after the break. Since the youth teams didn't have anything like a pre-season, many people were a bit rusty. 2 months of break does that to people. Now, everyone is in shape and are looking forward to making a mark and earning the first team call up.
The first day back, I went and met coach Martinez.
I had some thoughts that have been bugging me for a while. Namely, am I really ready for first team football? Am I good enough? If my stats were so high, with pace, dribbling and passing, why am I not doing more? I did alright with the goals and assists, but is that enough? Then came my thoughts about my contribution to the team. I thought that we had won because of Diego and I playing attacking football once we came on. But, in the last match we started and we couldn't break through. Even though both of us ignored the team brief multiple times, nothing came out of our attacks. And once we were subbed, the team won without us. So, what does that mean? I have so many questions. I needed clarity. So, I thought I would reach out to the coaches who knew me and who knows the system and players.
"Hey coach Martinez! How are you doing?"
"I'm fine Kaká. This is a surprise. Anything I could help you with?"
I shook my head and smiled at that. Typical Martinez.
"Straight to the point as always, coach. Yes, I wondered if you had a few minutes to talk."
"Hmm, your face looks like this is serious. Fine, let us talk while walking to the training ground, or do you prefer to talk in the office"
"No, walking is fine coach"
So, he put aside his papers on the desk, fetched some things from the cabinet, grabbed a bottle and we left.
"So, what is it that you wanted to talk about Kaká?"
I didn't really plan on how to talk to him about this. I just had a plan to talk to him, I didn't prepare anything. So, I remembered about the therapy sessions from my previous life and decided that the best outcomes happen only when I am being honest. So I started at the beginning.
"I have some doubts about my performances and my progress coach."
He nodded at me to go on.
"I have always had talent in spades, my pace was a big plus and I developed great dribbling ability. But I was held back because I was very thin and even for U15 level, I wasn't able to deal with the physical side of things and my stamina was bad. And then my growth spurt kicked in and I grew taller and stronger. My skills improved and I could see that I was better than the others. Much better. At least on paper. You guys were very clear about why you were taking the slow approach and I was totally okay with it."
"But, the doubts have been creeping in. Am I really as good as I think I am? Am I good enough to start for the first team? If I am that good, why aren't my numbers higher? I have skipped two levels in the past 10 months, that's great, I know that. And I am playing in the U20 team as a 16 year old. But, there are many examples of people who went on to play for the first team by now. Am I close to that?"
"I keep thinking that my numbers are not as good as I expected them to be because of the system I have been playing in. Am I being held back because of that? What if I played with absolute freedom? Would it make a difference?"
"Take the last game we played for example. I was out on the right side of the midfield and we were asked to play patient football and to slowly build the attacks and to be disciplined. This was my first start, I expected to do more. But it was restrictive. I tried breaking free at times, but nothing came out of it in the end. So, what should I do next time? Should I go talk to coach Alfonso that I prefer to play with more freedom?"
"In your team, I was given the freedom. I still played in the system, but I was never reprimanded for my actions. Whenever I tried to play a difficult pass, I was encouraged even when I lost the ball. We won loads of games, and I felt like that was the key to us winning. But, in the last match, Diego, Adriano and I tried, but we didn't score. The team won by playing to the brief. What does it all mean?"
"I am frustrated because I feel impatient. I think I should be playing for the first team, but based on my own performances, a small doubt is creeping in. Am I good enough?"
"I guess I wanted to talk to you about this because I wanted a coach's perspective. I have been with the U20 team for just a little over a month. Would it be okay to talk to the coach about my position? About tactics?"
For a minute, he didn't say anything. We just kept walking.
"Times like these are when I get reminded of how mature you act Kaká. I have been doing this for decades. Coaching young kids and seeing them through to the first team. Rarely do you meet players who take the initiative to talk like this. That's good."
"Now, coming to your points. Let me answer this first. Are you good enough? My opinion is that yes, you're more than good enough. There is no question about your skill level. Should you be starting in the first team right now? Maybe. But, the fact that you had all the doubts after a few matches in and when you didn't score in one match, that's the sign. This is the experience I talked about. You need these moments at the lower levels, so that you don't have to deal with stuff like this under pressure."
"Why aren't you putting up numbers much more than you do? You're looking at it wrong. You've put in exceptional numbers. You do not understand how high those numbers are. At the U17 level, you scored what? 20 goals and 22 assists in 14 games? And how many of those games have you started and played a full 90? So, look at the numbers in context. Also, you were not going for the goal most of the time. You always look to pass to someone to get an assist. You wanted to develop into a playmaker and that was very evident in the way you play. Would you have scored more if you went for it? Yes. I think so. But, what's the point of that? Instead you were learning to play to the strengths of your team mates and developed into an elite playmaker."
"The numbers don't mean a thing at these levels Kaká. That's my opinion. Now, I am not delusional enough to think that I am an elite coach, but I know that I work towards developing a player. And develop is exactly what you did."
"You have played just 4 games in a new team. You scored in some. You assisted. Doing that in a new team, in a new system, with new players around you, that shows your skill level. And you haven't even played full matches. One match against a superior opposition is not something you should judge your performances by. Gremio is a very good team. You haven't scored. So what?"
"Your thoughts about the system are valid. Would we score more if we gave freedom to the attacking players? Yes. I think so. But, we won't be winning matches. Why? Because our shape falls. We have a responsibility to develop players equally. In order to accommodate freedom to the forwards, it is not fair to put too much load on young midfield and defenders."
"Coach Alfonso is also a stickler for his system. He wants to install discipline. In an ideal world, the team would play more importance to you. You would be right in that. But, we have also seen that you're extremely good. You pick up things faster. Your skills are developing quicker. So, it isn't a slight, but to develop your all round play."
"Now, would you play better if you roamed freely all game? Yes. 100%."
"Should you? That's a subjective question. We believe that it isn't good in the long run."
"Let us say tomorrow a new coach comes and asks to play in a different system. Would you complain again? How long would you complain? Should the whole team play to your strengths? What if you don't deliver? What would be plan B? No matter the talent you possess, this is still a team sport. Before you say that goals win games, they do. But, at higher levels, you wouldn't be able to do that week in week out. You need a solid team behind you. You need a solid system behind you."
"You think the team is too defensive? Play around it. Defensive doesn't mean that the team does not attack, does it? Identify the attacking patterns. What does the coach want in specific scenarios? Which players would fit your play style? We have seen how well you worked with Oscar and Diego. And even Moraes. So, find out that pattern with other players as well."
"I do not have an answer for if it is the right thing to do. But, this is what we have seen work in the past. We develop players with solid foundations. Players who have character. Players who learn to play according to instructions. At first team level, a lot of effort goes into tactics and preparing for opposition. You cannot always expect to go rogue and dribble your way through players and do it on your own."
"Should you talk to coach Alfonso about this? Absolutely. He is not going to hold you back because you asked questions. But remember, there is a place and time to do it. Do not be arrogant to think that you know better because you have won three games playing attacking football. That's the fastest way to get into the bad books. Always listen to the coach. And when things don't work, ask for a few minutes of his time and explain your thinking. But, he will be the one deciding on things."
"You could go rogue, but that has its own risks. When it works, people wouldn't be able to question you immediately. But, if it doesn't? They will point their fingers at you. That's the risk. You cannot have a bad relationship with your manager. No matter how different your playstyles are."
"That's my advice to you Kaká. Know that you're great. You're a generational talent. The club is not holding you back out of some convoluted reason. You've skipped two levels in 8months and you're on track to being promoted to the first team. We get reports and you're adjusting wonderfully to the U20 levels."
"Talk to your coach about it. He is not going to fault you for it. For having doubts. But, do not come across as rude. Do not question his style or tactics. Try to understand them. When you ask about your role, be patient and listen. And try to take it all in. And see if it works."
"It is perfectly fine to have these doubts. Many players have had worse things to deal with. Give it time and your performances will shine through even when you feel that the team is defensive. And like we discussed, you're ahead of the predicted timeline. You might make a start in the upcoming season."
"Once you get to the first team, there will be times when you might not perform up to standards. That is inevitable. No matter how much of a prodigy you are. When that happens, come find me, or coach Joao or coach Alfonso. We will remind you of your abilities. Never question your talent"
"I hope I was able to help. You could also talk to Joao or Alfonso about this as well. They're all rooting for you. We try not to show it too much to not let it get to your head and develop bad habits. Or to think that the team runs because of you. But, you could compare and see that everyone eagerly waits for your debut."
I listened to everything he had to say. And he was right. If I am to develop into a proper player, I cannot stick to one thing. I should be able to adapt. It is not written in stone that I would be given freedom in every team I play. What if I play for Mourinho or Simeone? What if they decide to set up the team differently to win. Could I take on prime Barcelona under Pep and do what I do without my team behind me? Would the coaches like it if I ignored their instructions? No.
The teenager in me wants to roar and shout that I am the greatest. I will take on everyone and score. But, I am also not 15. I know the real world. Relationships with the managers are important. Ego is okay, but show it in matches. Not in the locker room or to your teammates. That's the kind of player I want to be. The one who is reliable. The one whom the manager trusts. I am not going to be completely docile either. But, I will pick my moments. A balance.
And I need to focus on the bigger picture. Why am I hell bent on the tactics and stuff at this stupid U20 level. These don't even matter. Football on the first team is different. Football will be different in series A. UCL will be different. Why am I so fixated on playing attacking football when all I need to do is do my job right now, and play my own game. I will worry about play style and tactics and systems if Ancellotti decides to play me as a CM.
With that musing done, I shook my head and thanked coach Martinez properly.
"Thank you for talking to me coach and listening. And being honest and letting me know what's important. It helps! Thanks"
"Anytime Kaká. Good luck"
A little weight has been lifted off my shoulders after that talk. He might not be an elite world class coach. He might not even be everyone's cup of tea, some might think that with my level of talent, the team should be shaped around me. But people forget that this is a youth team. Here they're playing to develop players and focus on players. They're not worried about money or competitions. As long as my skills are being developed, why should it matter if I dominate a team with 5 goals or played with my teammates and scored one and assisted one.
I was in the mood to get the talks out of my system. That's why I came in a bit early. I went and found coach Alfonso immediately after saying goodbye to coach Martinez. I met him in his office.
"Do you have a couple of minutes free for me, coach?" I asked after knocking on the open door.
He looked at the clock on the wall, realised there's still an hour to go for the session to start, so he nodded yes.
"Thanks coach. I just wanted to get feedback from you about how I am playing and what role do you see me playing in?"
He raised an eyebrow at that.
"That's very straightforward. May I know where this is coming from Kaká?"
"May I be frank, coach?"
He smiled, as if expecting this. And said yes.
"I have been having doubts about my performances and progress in general. I wasn't satisfied with the output I had and the expectations I had. With the skill I possess, I should be dominating. But I wasn't. I had doubts creeping in. I had better numbers at U17 and I wasn't even reaching those here. I was wondering if it was because of the new system I am playing in or because I am not roaming as freely as I was before. I wanted to talk to you about that."
He had a heartfelt laugh at this.
"I expected a little bit more time before you came to me about this."
"I know that you would love to play as a 10. I also know that you would love the freedom to attempt as many forward passes you can. And with your talent, you would succeed most of the time. Do you remember the last time when I told players to stick to the brief and yet you and Diego dribbled past players and were attempting 60 yards passes? Did I reprimand you guys?"
I thought about it and he was right. He didn't say anything about us breaking the formation. Even though nothing came out of it, he was just nonchalant about it.
"I didn't, because I expect you guys to do something like that. We aren't playing a knockout game in the Libertadores. We aren't in the champions league. We are a youth team. We aren't looking to develop systems, we are developing players that can fit all systems."
"When I say that we are not going to play aggressively, it doesn't mean that we don't go for the goal. It means that we aren't going to give away the ball more than we need to. We wanted to see how the players play in a formation. Are they able to follow instructions? Are they disciplined? Are they holding their lines? Are the guys tracking back? We want to see that coordination. That's why we ask to play in a specific formation. It isn't to inhibit you guys or that we would be pissed off if you attempted a pass or two."
"Now, what would be a problem? Taking on multiple players recklessly in our own half when we are down bad, when safer options or available, that's a problem. When you decide to go solo without thinking about the team you're playing with? That would be a problem. Did you think that we would restrict you from dribbling or moving across channels?"
"No, Kaká. If we see that you're not playing well, we would change things. We would switch things up. We would tell you to roam freely. It has been three or four games in. We will keep changing things. The core will be the same. The basic instructions will still be the same. But, yes. There will be games when you're asked to attack to your heart's content. There will be games where you're asked to play defensively. Mindful of your surroundings."
"Do not fret about tactics and stuff right now. Play your game. Develop your skills. We are there to guide you. This is the time for you guys to try out new things and see. Yes, you're sensational in that number 10 role. We have seen that. We wanted to see you as a winger. Maybe in one of the games I would like to see you play as the second striker up front."
"Were you thinking about all this and holding back?"
I was dumbfounded. Huh? What was that? This is not how I expected the conversation to go. Couldn't they have said this from the beginning? To play according to the system but not to be worried about expressing yourself?
"I was worried about breaking the system and moving forward or trying to find passes. I was worried that I had no freedom. It's not just me, even Diego and Oscar felt the same."
"I might have made a mistake. The others know my style and my instructions. I should have been clearer with you guys. Since you guys joined in January, you're not used to the way things are done. In hindsight, my instructions prior to the games must have felt awkward to you guys. I will clarify them better."
"Coming to the feedback, you're playing really well. You need to find chemistry with the other players and not just Diego, but your skills are never in question. You will be ready to play in the first team very soon with the way you're going about things."
"You've even shown maturity about this, by not throwing a tantrum or letting it bother you. You came to me and talked to me, that's good. That's exactly what one looks for in a professional player. Some guys find it the hard way by clashing with the coach. You've chosen to clarify things, came to ask me about your role.
The role is to play your game Kaká. If you're in 10, play to create. If you're a winger? Take players on, and find the cross or cut and shoot. If we're playing safe? Get back in shape and defend. Track back, try to slow the tempo and find the right passes. You're a creative player. We are just four matches in, don't feel so restricted when we don't have a system. We try out things. You will have your freedom in future matches. That's a promise."
"That's good to know. I was worried that I would be restricted and I felt suffocated. This releases a load. Thanks coach."
He just laughed again.
"It is a misunderstanding Kaká. Bad communication on my part. We'll talk more. And I will talk with others as well."
I took my leave after that. On my way back, I realised that, yes, that was dumb. It could have been explained so much better. But I have made judgments without talking to anyone. I should have talked to others on the team about the playing style. I realised that ever since that first training session, I have never really tried to talk to others. I have only ever interacted with Diego, Moraes, Oscar and Adriano. That was bad on my part. I will rectify it.
Overall, it was a good decision to talk to Martinez and Alfonso. Weight has been lifted off my back and I am looking forward to the next match. Good that I didn't let it fester and throw me off.
Now, I just need to have a talk with Gloria and I should be good. With my mind made up to talk to her soon, I went to the lockers to change. I will talk to her tomorrow.
Once practice was done, the coach told us that tomorrow we shall have an early session because he wanted to talk about some things. On our way back, I gave an update of my talk to Diego, Oscar and Moraes. The relief on their faces was a sight to see. I said that we should wait to hear what the coach would say tomorrow before celebrating too much.
We had an event at the church today. I knew that Gloria and her family would be here. So, I joined my family and went to church. Once the initial meeting was concluded about the event, I signaled to Gloria that I needed to talk to her and asked her to walk with me next to the church. She readily agreed and let her family know where she would be.
It was a little awkward. I didn't know how to begin. We walked in silence for a minute and seeing the expression on my face, she didn't say anything either.
I decided that I had to be upfront about this and not beat around the bush.
"I do not know how to begin Gloria. So I will just say what's on my mind, you could correct me if I am wrong, but please listen to what I have to say."
"Sure, Ricardo. Now, I am curious about what you wanted to talk about. You're never this serious."
"I might be wrong, but I notice that you spend time with me. You seek me out, and even though I give you one word answers and act distant, you still try to strike up a conversation with me. I do not want to assume something that's not there. So, what do you want from this, Gloria?"
She looked surprised. She didn't expect me to come out and ask her like that. That's putting her on the spot and so awkward. But I didn't know how else to approach it. Asking a 16 year old girl if she likes you and what she wanted from you was not something good.
"I don't know what to say, Ricardo. Let me ask you this first, do you not like me?"
"I like a lot of things about you. Your football knowledge. Your ambition to become an engineer. Your genuine helping nature. I like a lot of things, but I am not looking to date you. I am not looking to date anyone. That is why I wanted to talk to you about this. I do not want to date or have any relationship until I am settled in a team, and it will take at least two or three years for that. Till then, I want to focus only on football and nothing else. I don't want to juggle things and balance things out. At least till I am 18, I want to dedicate every minute to that. And I don't want to string you along, being all icy to you. I think you're a really nice person, so you should date someone nice who would spend time with you."
When I started talking about me liking her and the things I liked about her, she radiated joy. But, when I said that I didn't want to date, she lost that smile immediately.
"But, I like you. I was waiting for you to ask me out. I noticed that even though you act indifferent to me, your eyes seek me out and you have a look on your face when your mask falls off sometimes. What if I am okay with your schedule? It wouldn't be too different to what it is now, would it?"
"Yes, it would be different. I would be spending a lot more time on football in the coming months if I am going to make the first team. And I do not want to put you through that. This would be my first relationship and I want to do it properly if I decide to do it. I cannot be distracted by this for one, and I can't be feeling guilty about not spending enough time or paying attention because my thoughts are on football, that's not fair to the person I would be dating."
She had a very intense look on her face. Based on every interaction we had, I knew that she was very mature. She is not like a 16 year old girl at all. That's one of the reasons why I was taking the effort to do this. She would understand.
We didn't talk for a minute or two, or more. I didn't know. But that felt like an hour. Finally, she broke the silence.
"I am not going to lie and say that everything is good. I didn't like this. I thought that you would ask me out soon. Our interests align. I like you. I could see that you like me as well. I think you're being an idiot. But, I am not going to sit around and say that you should not focus on it. I know how much it means to you. If the scenario is reversed and if it came between engineering and a boy, I would choose engineering as well."
"That's not to say that I like it. I want to tell you that we could still make time. But, I do not want to force it. So, where do we go from here?"
"I don't know. I didn't want things to be awkward. We would still meet at the church and other events. It is not like I am rejecting you by lying to you and going on to date someone else. I genuinely mean it that football comes first. I am not going to be dating anyone till I am 18 atleast. Then I will think about it. For now, I want us to be friends. I do not want awkwardness. I do not want to worry about leading you on or being a dick to you. I wanted to clear things out. If you decide to not talk to me after today, that's fair. And that's exactly why I wanted to do this sooner. To let you know where I stand."
"Hmmm. I am not going to stand here and say that I like this. I am not going to try to talk you into it either. It has to happen naturally. And I guess, now is not the time. We'll see then"
"Yeah, we shall see about the future. So, are we good?"
"No, we are not good" and she turned back and left.
Wait, what!? What does she mean "No"?
Author's Notes:
I wanted these self doubts and discussions to happen now itself, and wanted to handle them at youth level. I wanted to show the human side of these things, let me know if it works.
There would be time skips soon. There won't be much non football stuff for a little while.
The discussion with Gloria at the end, I drew from my own personal experience. I do not know if that's what people liked to see. Gloria is based on a girl from my life. So, the way she talks is based on her.
Let me know your feedback in comments!