Ok, where were we? Yes, Samuel, it is. He told someone, two people in fact. Let's get to the hints Oliver gave that I had no idea what he was talking about.
Ok, it's something you did last semester, he says. It happened in this room. On this bed, he points to the bed where my oh-so good-looking rat-faced prince charming slept that night!!!!
I rolled my eyes internally. But I must admit, I've been caught off guard. What exactly do they want to hear? That I sucked his dick? And then what?
Julio already hated me, though, going on about how I needed prayers and whatnot.
Like I said, being gay- yes, I'm comfortable saying it now, in this country, is attributed to an evil spirit. Ooohhh-ahhh
So to him, I need prayers, deliverance, probably from one of those noisy pastors on TV. But that's not really hate, more of disgust. I suppose. So yep that's pretty much it.
The insecurity came back, I kept looking for smiling faces, to know that I was still safe, liked, not hated, not looked at in disgust.
I honestly deserved none of that. Or maybe I did.
So yes, I'm quite uncomfortable now. And I need to find a way to lie to them. Ughhh!
My unease is as bright as day. I can't shake it off. I consider telling the truth, honestly. I'm just tired. Besides, the fewer friends I have, the better for me.
Since I have no lie in mind, I act like I have no idea what they're talking about. I'll do this for as long as I can. Until they decide to be straightforward with me and tell me whatever it is they think they know about me. Because I'm quite sure they want confirmation, they wouldn't just believe Samuel like that, they go way back with him in tricks, lies, shitty manipulation only fools would fall for. They wouldn't just take his word like that. Then again, from Julius' words, I can tell that he believes Samuel.
So Samuel, what exactly did you use to make them believe you? They've been watching me you know? Passing comments like," he looks like he can do it," to " like those sexy girls in anime", to which I must say makes me blush. But it's quite shocking that they believed you. I had counted on your well-known reputation as a liar to help me out. Then again, they're fools, but are they? I mean, they are believing the truth, so...?
But it does not matter, I just have to find a way to get out of this one. I always do. And I always will.
Let's just tell him, my heart beats faster when they decide to just tell me. I'm trying my very best not to freak out. I've come too far to get caught now. I simply can't get caught. Once again, I do consider telling the truth. I should've. I should let them hate me, let them not be able to stand my presence. What they do to me after makes me wish that I had just done that in that moment. But like I said, they meddle where they aren't supposed to. This information would go too far if they had access to it, I think. Even now, if I had the chance to go back in time I think I would've still done it, without getting caught this time, I think.
I'm waiting for them on the balcony. Waiting for them to come and tell me something I've known since, well since I did it.
I'm preparing myself for the truth, or another flawed lie. Maybe I'm not so good at lying after all. A lot of things are running through my head all at once, and my head feels like it's bursting. I have no one, no one that wouldn't look at me differently if they knew the truth. I really wished that I had someone to share my burden with. That would make me feel relieved, if even a little.
Ok, they've arrived. All I can do now is wait and see how things play out. But of course, plans within plans within plans, many of them. So even though I am uncomfortable, scared a little, I have a lot of ideas, depending on what exactly comes.
So....? You're sure you don't know what we're talking about? Nope, I have no idea, I say. Who does it involve? To that, I can't remember what they said. But after they told me, I forced a laugh as much as I could and said Ah, so that's what you guys have been going on about? Making me feel uneasy?
So, it didn't happen? No, I say. Of course not.
Wow, he was very serious when he said it, he swore on his mum's life, on his final exam, all of that. Well, probably because he was telling the truth, I think to myself.
The swearing, an action I myself, also repeat. On my own mother's life. I know, it's bad, that's how far down I've gone, but I have to, I can't let them know. I think I cross my fingers when I swear. No, I negated the swearing in a whisper before I let out the remaining part; they heard what they wanted to hear, and I said what I wanted to say.
We were done.
Once again, Samuel, I deeply apologise. Your friends think you're a very bad person now, to lie about something like this. I'm really, really sorry. But then again, you'll never see this. Another thing that is out of my control. Maybe if you knew how sorry I was you'd be able to forgive me.
I'd later find out that he told the head prefect of my school. To him, though, he said it was a dream that helped me more than you can know, Samuel. So as much as I'm sorry, I also want to thank you.
I think I can finally rest now. But no, he doesn't let me. Whenever my roommates are around me, and Samuel sees, he says quite loudly, "Don't say I didn't warn you". As if I'm someone to be scared of, to be ignored, to be shunned. They did tell me that he told them because they slept in the same room as me so they should watch out. They should be wary of me. As if I were some dick-sucking demon. Really, Samuel, I didn't expect much from you, but this? What did it even mean? At least you kept the circles small, and I really do appreciate that.
But I do have one problem, you lied. Why did you lie? You told them that you woke up and saw me holding your dick about to suck it. And I looked hungry too. Really?!!!! Oh, wow.
You kicked me off the bed when you saw me like that. That's what you told them.
Now, there are two reasons why you did this. One, it's a traumatic experience for you, and you'd rather not think about it. But from the ease you look at me with, the ease with which you talk to me. Let's not lie to ourselves that that's true. The second reason, well you know you liked it. And your "straightness" doesn't allow that. You'd rather twist the narrative than accept the truth. Maybe I'm saying this to make myself feel better, that's another possibility.
But, why did you not tell the story as it is? Another thing I'll never find out.
Oh, the roommates. We're not done with them. There's still more. Things keep twisting and twisting in ways I'd rather they didn't but hey, I'm just a leaf, I go where the wind directs.