I'm on the bus to school now, and it should take about six to eight hours to get to school.
Heart racing, pounding would be a severe understatement to what is happening to me. My heart drops to my stomach and jumps to the back of my throat. That's how I'll describe it. Nothing much happens on the bus really. I'm glad it's public, there are fewer students on it. Fewer people I would "have to talk to". I'm quite glad for that. You know the drill, sleep, wake up, eat, stare at nothing. That's how it is. I don't do much of the sleeping though.
I arrive at school, and when I'm greeted with smiles, my heart drops instantly. He hasn't told anyone. Thank God. Not that I expected him to, he's as guilty as I am, he knows it.
Anyway, settling is quite easy, but it's what comes next that shocks me. Oliver punches me when he sees me; he doesn't even say hello.
What's that for? I ask. Oh, oh, nothing, I just felt like hitting you. Okay, I say back. You see, when I say he punched me, I mean punched like really hard. And it had a certain aggression to it that I had no idea where it came from. I was just confused and lost, I didn't know what to do, so I unpacked and packed everything again, obviously into my trunk and choppox. Everything was all right save for Oliver's little shenanigan. But it was fine, whatever it was, it would stop eventually, I hoped it would. How wrong I was.
Over the next few days, I was getting more worried. Samuel still hadn't come to school and I almost thought that he had transferred. Honestly, that would have been much better for both of us, but he came on Sunday. Not very surprising. He came to talk to Oliver and Julius, not their real names obviously. I was lying on my bed right when he came. I stopped moving. I pretended to be asleep. I couldn't face him not yet, at least they were so noisy I couldn't stand it, but there was nothing I could do. I just had to wait for him to leave. And then what? I asked myself. We would see. Everything had been fine so far, it simply couldn't change. I wouldn't be able to stand it. The word came to my mind unprovoked, it just came, and I did not disagree with it.
It was the first time in days that I had actually had peace. Suicide, the thought of everything ending, the thoughts of peace, quiet silence, eternal silence, appeal to me so much. Of course, I wasn't going to do it. I'm not crazy, at least not yet.
One afternoon, I was reading my Bible, and Samuel saw me and said, Good, you're turning to God. I was horrified, but I said nothing. On the day he came, Sunday, which was yesterday, he offered me an apple. And he spoke to me with no hesitation, with no hate in his eyes. I must have made it up, I thought to myself. I must have dreamt about that happening. There was no way, he'd do that? Right? I really never got to ask anyone whether it actually happened or not. That was a crazy thing to do. Very very crazy. I just concluded that it happened, no matter how shocking it was. He said it himself, things can't ever be the same between us again, so why offer me an apple then?
These days when I walk around and I see someone look at me, I wonder, what does he know about me? What has he heard about me? What does he think about me?
My life had become a ticking time bomb. And who had control of the timer? Samuel, obviously. Keep up. Who else would it be? I trusted to some extent that he wouldn't tell anyone. I don't know why, but I was wrong.
Think of the worst thing you've done that you think nobody knows, Oliver asked.
I knew immediately what he was talking about. But I couldn't believe it. Samuel would never tell anyone, he simply couldn't. So I played dumb. Ummm... I don't know what you're talking about, I said.
Really? Are you sure? Well, let me give you hints then.
Before I continue, let me tell you this. One thing j hated about my roommates was this. They were children. They always pried into matters that didn't concern them, trying to solve the issue. It was an act of maturity to them, but it was, in fact, very, very stupid.
Let me try and put a picture in your mind.
Samuel: I have something to tell you guys.
Oliver and Julius: What is it
Samuel: Well, it's very sensitive, but I have to tell you guys.
Oliver and Julius: go ahead then, we're listening
Samuel: Okay, he mentions my name, which I think I've done quite a job at hiding until now, don't you think?
Oliver and Julius: What has he done?
Samuel: Last semester, I was asleep over here, at this point, he'll point ot the exact bed, he slept on. And, he mentions my name again, gave me a head in my sleep.
Oliver and Julius: most likely, they act surprised, shocked, but they won't believe him, they'll need a little bit more from him to believe him. Samuel does have a reputation for lying.
That's it. That's the end of the dialogue. Their response to whatever information they got from Samuel is what shocks me. I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, but if I were to tell you that someone raped me, you wouldn't go and ask the person whether he did it or not, right? Ok, ok, rape is a bit too harsh, let's replace that with theft. No reasonable person would go to the alleged thief and ask, Did you steal? Right? Do tell me if I'm right or wrong. But I think I'm quite right.
So, Samuel, I do congratulate you on fucking up my life. It must have taken a lot to convince them that I actually did that, which to some extent, I did. Once again, I do sincerely apologise for doing that to you, you didn't deserve it. And you'll never see this but I don't care.
Let's handle my roommates now, shall we?