I made a stupid gamble, and now I've lost all my savings. 3800 it was, ghana cedis. Don't forget that. All I wanted, all I want is the latest iPhone. Seeing as my dad won't buy it for me, amd my mom can't. I thought I'd find a way to multiply the money. It felt like a scam, but hey, I'm desperate. 1500, to 2500 and now it's all gone, wasted. I don't know what to do with myself.
I wanted to buy some skincare products too, to finally become beautiful! But it seems it will and always will remain a dream. Arghhhhh!!! I'm gonna get that money back. But how? What can I do? What is there to do? I hate this, I'm too young anyways. But I just want to live, to enjoy this life of mine before I go. I want to be like the influencers, sharp jawline, pretty face, rich, rich!
I can't believe how foolish I am. So impatient. Ugh! No one can ever know what I've done. No one. Not now, not ever. The thing is even my fault. Either it's truly a scam. Or it's my fault. For being stupid, for rushing. And now it's all gone to waste. Maybe I should start a youtube, yes. I can get the money back from there. But that's me being desperate again. But what can I do? I'm going crazy over here. Very very crazy. But that money was, is small is it not? Insignificant I tell myself this to console myself a little. It doesn't work. Obviously. I'm such a fool, a big one. I can't function right now. My head is splitting in two.
Why don't I ever learn? How many mistakes do I have to make to know the limit? I'm tired of this. Of life. I wanted it to end, the ringing in my head, the sadness, the hurt, my life.
I woke up at midnight, staring at my room's ceiling. Thinking over the stupidity of my actions. How foolish it was. Money did not come easy. How did I ever think that this was going to work? I'm so naive. Fantasising about everything. Never being in the real world, the harsh, real world. I wanted to scream, to hit something. To put my anger on someone, something. I wanted to tell my mother what I had done. I wanted her to shout at me. To tell me just how stupid I was. To hit me. But I knew I wouldn't. I knew I'd just sit and let the pain eat at me, like I always did. One day, there would be nothing left to eat at. I wonder what would happen then....
I wake up to a cock crowing somewhere far in the distance. I lay there once again, thinking of the grave mistake I had just committed. I was going to fix it, but how?
I needed to find a way. Quickly too.
Anyways, we're going back to school soon. Again, I do not know what Samuel is thinking, playing the victim, as if i raped him. The thought of it sickens me. What has happened to me? What has changed? Why can't I seem to control myself. Well, at least then I couldn't. I thought he'd like it. And he clearly did because, in case you've forgotten, he didn't stop me the first time he woke up. But now it doesn't matter. I can't tell him that without him knowing I lied about my supposed mental illness. Again, how stupid is he? Well, at least i saved myself from eternal humiliation and damnation. It would really be bad if he told on me, to the authorities I mean. Which brings me to this.
You, yes the one reading? Why are you still here? Do you not hate me enough? Do you not find some of my actions sickening? Don't you want me to go to hell? Quite literally at that too. So why are you still reading? Oh, I see you want more. You want me to probably say i killed someone. That would be the icing on the cake wouldn't it? But no, i don't kill anyone, so whatever it is you're waiting for, probably to make y I ourself feel better for your own bad deeds, you won't get it. At least not here. So let's continue shall we?
Like i said, 'all things come to end."
"Remember that? Oliver. Let's talk about him now. So we've stopped texting as much over the past few days. And it has completely stopped now. I wonder what he's thinking. I really do consider him a friend, maybe this will make way for a healthier friendship, if I must put it that way.
Anyways school is fast approaching now, and I'm very very desperate, trying anyway I can to regain my money again. Quite literally. But it's nothing isn't it. I have to stop thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. I have to stop!!!!!!
It's really fascinating, how you can scream and have little dialogues play out in your head without getting it out of you. Maybe it's not completely healthy though. I haven't e to stop that too.
Anyways, no I've already said that. Ughhhh!!! I'm losing aren't I? I'm going crazy, all because I was impatient. And for what? Just to lose my savings. But it's not my fault, is it?
No! It is! It's all my fault. Maybe taking responsibility would help me accept this as it was and move on, move on from it. I'm I just tired. All I want to be is independent. I want to be able to buy my own things, make my own money. That's not too much to ask. But now, I've been taught a lesson. I'll be patient. I'll be very patient. I have to be.
School resumes tomorrow. I'm done packing everything i need. And I hope Samuel stayed on track. The track I put him on. Or else? Well, there isn't much I'll be able to do if he didn't. I'll just face whatever comes squarely.
I cry myself to sleep that night.