"This night, you will be visited by three plagues. Each worse than the last. Return the slab~~"
"Yeah… Sure, buddy…"
The young man closes the window and prepares himself. He knows what the curses will be, but this place isn't a house in the middle of nowhere, so he is not exactly sure how to solve the curse. But who cares! In his hands are billions of dollars! People can perish for all he cares!!
*Tap* *Tap* *Tap*
"Mmh? You didn't leave the tap upstairs open, right, Trainer?"
Water started dripping from the ceiling even though it wasn't raining outside.
"Let me check first. Mmh!! Hmm?"
The young man tries to escape the room, but when he tries to open the door, it won't budge. The young man had fully intended to sacrifice his 2 trainees as long as he made it out alive, but it seems that won't happen.
"Oh… For goodness sake…"
The water drips increase in intensity before it reaches the next stage. Water flows in the hundreds of litres through the multiple holes in the room, quickly flooding the entire room from the floor to the ceiling. The young man calmly walks to the wardrobe in the corner of the room and puts on a rebreather and a tank of oxygen.
"Well, good luck, girls."
"Wait! Where's ours?!"
"Only one."
"Bastard!!"
Goldship feels betrayed by the only person who understands her. She would continue to berate the young man if it weren't for the rising water that forced her to swim up. The long white white-haired Uma curses the young man's name as she swims to keep up with the ever-shrinking air pocket.
"Pant… Pant… Well, I never thought it would end like this, Urara. I thought I would die while exploring Mars."
"..."
"Surely you don't have a way to resolve the situation, right?"
"Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhh… Aha!!"
*Ding*
Urara instantly thinks deeply when Goldship asks her. An idea pops up in her mind as a large lightbulb appears above her head. Urara grabs the massive lightbulb that just appeared, unscrews the cap, and then uses the bulb as a diving helmet.
The pink blob dives deep into the room, swims past the selfish bastard of a man, and floats in front of the bookcase. She remembers that Tachyon had once done things to the books on the bookcase that would trigger the door mechanism installed on it. Haru Urara quickly pulls several books, switches some of their positions, and turns others until eventually, the bookcase retreats into the wall and opens a door that leads downstairs. Urara quickly swims downward to the bottom of the secret basement and pulls the plug that Tachyon had installed just in case. The water quickly receded into the massive hole in the secret basement.
"Awww~~ Come on, man~~"
"How could you do that to us, trainer?!"
"You expected more of me?"
"Yeah… That's on me, honestly…"
"Besides, we survived the first curse. The next one won't be a problem at all."
"Why do you act as if you know what the next curse will be?"
"Because I do. We just need to destroy the gramophone on the next one."
"What in the actual hell are you talking about?"
*Bzzt* *Bzzt* *Tap* *Tap*
While the young man and Goldship are arguing, the sound system in the room turns on. The sound of someone tapping the mic can be heard through it.
"Test. Test. Mmhh~~ It's on."
"President? What is she doing?"
"Today. In the effort of increasing the students' morale, I would tell some jokes I have personally crafted. Feel free to laugh out loud."
"SHIT!!"
Both the young man and Goldship let out cold sweat after the president let out her ultimatum. Rudolph's jokes are the cringiest, brain-dead, dad jokes someone could come up with, and hearing even one of them will turn your brain smooth. Both of them tried to run to the door to exit the room, but Rudolph was faster.
"What is a calendar's favourite food? Dates. Fufufu~~"
*THUMP*
The young man and Goldship can't help but smash their heads to the ground. The psychological attack from the joke was so powerful that their brain were physically hurting. The young man's [Truth Seeing Eyes] can see that their moods are decreasing exponentially.
"We… have… pant… pant… to stop her…"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. I like this one."
*THUMP*
"No use… We can't fight…"
"Trainer! Goldship! What's going on?"
To the surprise of the young man, Urara's mood was still Great. How can she still have a great mood after 2 nuclear bad jokes? Does Urara like bad dad jokes like these? The young man doesn't have any data about this kind of stuff, so he can only wonder.
"What do you call a factory that sells decent products? A satisfactory. Get it? Satifs-factory?"
*THUMP*
"Make it stop… Make it stop… Get out of my head…"
"Kuh… Damn it…"
"Hmm? What do pres mean by that?"
Only after Urara said that did the young man understand why she was still in a great mood. For Goldship and the young man, the President's jokes are in their realm of comprehension, so they can understand just how terrible it is. But for Urara, with her single-cell brain, the jokes are beyond her comprehension, so she doesn't get it.
"Urara… You have to stop Rudolp… Do anything… Or we all will die!!"
"What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. Hahaha!! That's a good one."
*THUMP*
"GAAaAaaahhhh! Sttoooooppp!!"
"Urara!! Please!!"
"Okay!!"
Urara quickly bolted out of the room to the student council office. As she was travelling through the building, the President was constantly dropping her terrible jokes that completely went over the pink blob's head.
"Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days. Weak days… Kuf! Fufufu!!"
*Ssshhhkk*
"President!"
"Oh? What's wrong, Haru Urara? Do you want to be my personal audience?"
When the pink blob reaches the student council office, she sees Rudolph sitting in her seat with a notebook and a mic in her hands. If Urara were to stop the torture, she would need to get rid of the notebook or the mic, but this is the Emperor we're talking about, a rookie like Urara would have zero chance of accomplishing anything here. She can only persuade Rudolph to stop doing what she loves.
"Pres!! Pres!!"
Urara jumps around erratically to catch the pun-loving Uma's attention. She then transforms into Igo Heita, then Goldship, before eventually turning into a coffin. She then transforms back into Haru Urara and watches as Rudolph tries to puzzle together what Haru Urara was trying to say.
"Mmmmhhh... Ah!! Igo Heita and Goldship think my jokes are to die for, right?! I didn't know they were such huge fans of my jokes!! Perhaps I misjudged them!"
"Nooooooo!!!"
Haru Urara understands now that there's no hope in changing the Emperor's mind, so she has to get someone who can, the Empress. The only place where you most likely meet the Empress other than the council student office is, of course, the garden. So there where Haru Urara is running to next.
Haru Urara's little feet carry the girl quickly toward the garden. There, she finds the Empress absentmindedly filling a pot with soil. Usually, the Empress would pour all of her focus on the task at hand, but this time was different. It is as if there was something else she would rather be doing rather than tending to the plants she loves the most.
"Air! Air!!"
"Hmm~~ Oooh~~ Hello~"
Haru Urara tries to catch Air Groove's attention, but to no avail. The Empress was somewhere else. If she were to ever bring the Empress to the student council office, then she would need to do it by force.
"The things I do for love."
Haru Urara grabs Air Groove on her waist and then carries her over her head to the StuCo office. It was an unbelievable sight of a small Uma Musume carrying a large Uma Musume above her head down the hallway. Thankfully for Air Groove, no one was there to see it, as everyone was incapacitated by the bad jokes.
*Sssshhhkkkk*
"Oh! Air Groove! Have your cold heart finally warmed up to my jokes? Fufufu~~ This is such a good day."
Haru Urara placed Air Groove in front of Rudolph's desk and braced for impact. Air Groove's detest for Rudolph's jokes is well known across the academy that it has become a joke on its own at this point.
"What do you ask someone who's selfish? How much? Sell Fish!"
"..."
"Hahaha!! I know!! The magnificence of my genius… It's almost frightening. It's okay to laugh out loud, Air Groove."
Air Groove, who was on cloud nine because of a certain red-haired trainer, was forcefully yanked into hell by the Emperor's bad joke. And just like how satan reacted when he was banished to hell by God, Air Groove didn't take it lightly. Her hands instinctively move above her head, and with one swift motion, she gives Rudolph her answer.
*THUNK*
The pot of plants in her hand crashed firmly on the top of the president's head. And with that, the Emperor was assassinated by the Empress as the Empress pulled out a handkerchief and put it up to her nose.
"Ah… The smell is fading… No… Trainer Igo… Haru…"
Air Groove was about to ask Haru about the position of her trainer, but the little pink blob had already gone before she knew it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pant… Pant….. Pant….. I almost died…"
"Goddesses damn… what's the next curse, trainer?"
"It's locust…"
"Locust? The insect?"
"Yeah… Let's just go outside… I'll burn them all with my fire release jutsu… I'll stop fucking around now."
"You should have done that a long time ago!!"
The pair jumps down from the window and onto the field to confront their enemy head-on. One can clearly see the difference in art style between the young man and Ramses. Ramses looks like someone has created him using CG and planted him in an anime world.
"Reeeettuuuuurrrnnnn ttthhhheeeeee ssslllllaaaaaabbbbbb~~~"
"Let's get this over with. Bring out the locust, mummy."
The young man preemptively does the hand signs for Fire Release: Great Fire Destruction. He's shooting them down before they can even group up in mass. But to the surprise of the young man, the locusts didn't come. What came next was beyond his expectations.
The sky darkened, and thunder struck the earth. The wind picks up more and more until the young man swears there has to be a tornado somewhere nearby. The young man wonders what's with all the hype for just a bunch of insects, until his ears heard a familiar tune.
"No… This theme… It can't be!!!"
"What's wrong, trainer?!"
"This tuba!! This cymbal! This VIOLIN!! THIS—THIS!!!"
"Trainer, spit it out!!!"
"This is God's Anger!!!"
From the core of the dark clouds above, descended a serpent of impossible length, its body a river of crimson scales that shimmered like molten iron under the lightning's glare. Its 2 mouths, stacked one upon the other, clenched down in unison. The upper maw was wide enough to chow through mountain chains, the lower one was a promise of no escape to its adversaries. Its eyes blaze like twin stars, molten gold burning with divine fury.
Jagged wings, vast and blade-like, tore the sky with every beat, scattering thunderheads as though they were nothing but smoke. Claws, curved and merciless, reached down like the judgment of gods, each talon a sentence of annihilation. Around its endless coils, storms raged, and lightning danced, as if the very elements bent in reverence to its wrath. Slifer was not merely a dragon — it was the embodiment of divine anger, a living decree etched into the heavens, stretching beyond sight, beyond reason, beyond mercy.
"Tra… Trainer… Tha–that's!!"
"Aaa…"
As if to mock the pair, Ramses calls the next one. The ground trembled as if the world itself recoiled in fear. Cracks split the earth, spilling dust and stone into the air, heralding the ascent of a titan. From the abyss rose a colossus clad in midnight-blue armour, each plate etched with the scars of eternity. Muscles carved from bedrock, veins pulsing with the fury of the gods.
His fists, vast as boulders, clenched with the promise of annihilation, each movement shaking the land as though mountains themselves were bowing. Twin horns jutted from his helm-like skull, framing eyes that glowed with cold, merciless light. When his gaze fell upon the battlefield, it was not the look of a beast but of a judge — a divine executioner risen to deliver sentence.
"Trainer… Gulp… We might be fucked…"
"Kuh…"
And to finish the set, Ramses calls the third. The clouds parted, giving way to the heavenly being descending to the mortal coil. At first, it seemed the sun itself was falling. A golden sphere blazed across the heavens, its radiance so fierce that the horizon burned as though dawn had been torn from its rightful place. Mortals shielded their eyes, believing the daystar had abandoned the sky to descend upon the earth.
But as the brilliance drew nearer, the illusion shattered. From the heart of the light unfurled vast wings, each feather a blade of fire, each beat scattering embers that scorched the air. The orb was no sun — it was a god, cloaked in divine flame, its body wrought from molten gold and eternal judgment. Its form was both avian and draconic, a fusion of predator and deity. Its beak gleamed like a weapon forged by the cosmos, while its serpentine frame coiled with the majesty of a celestial serpent. Eyes of pure radiance ignited the battlefield, casting shadows that fled in terror.
"Yep, we are fucked. I'll get the slab to hand it over."
"No."
"What?"
"If I'm going to die. I'm going to die like a real man!"
"Because of something avoidable and stupid?"
"Exactly!! That's how sigma males die, Goldship!!!"
"For money?"
"It's not about the money, Goldship. It's about sending a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh no…"
Haru Urara looks outside the window to see the 3 Egyptian Gods aurafarming on all the mortals. Haru Urara might only have one single cell for a brain, but even she realises just how dangerous the situation is. The same thing can't be said about her trainer, though…
Haru Urara dashes into the team room and once again descends into the secret basement. She quickly located an old computer that is comparably thicker in dimension compared to the newer computer. She had seen Tachyon type questions and got answers from this computer, so Haru Urara thinks that even the smart Tachyon can learn from this, surely she can as well.
*Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack*
"You want to deal with the monsters on the field that the slab summoned? Do you perhaps know how they were summoned? Undoing the situation until before the messes begin might work."
*Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack* *Tack*
"A slab from an Egyptian sarcophagus is usually imprinted with curses. If the figure asked for it, then giving it should be the clear answer, stupid."
"Mmmhhh!! I'm not!!"
After berating the computer, Haru Urara quickly climbed back up to the team room. There, she grabs the slab on the floor and carries the massive thing down to the field. She knows how important the slab is, so she carries it with the utmost care.
"Reeeetttuuuurrrnnn theee sllaaabbbb~~~~"
"Do it! I'm ready!! My body can take it!!"
"If you want to die, then please do it alone, trainer."
"What about our brotherhood, Goldship? Are you going to betray me?"
"What do you mean brotherhood?! I have boobs, you know?!? Have you never seen me as a woman before?!"
"So do cows. What are you getting at?"
"You prick!"
"Reeeettuuuurrrnnn tthhheeee—Ooooh yyooouuu aaarreeeee reeeettuurrrnniiinngg iiiiitttt~~"
"Eh?"
The changes in Ramses's dialogues caught the attention of the young man. He remembers that he left the slab in the team room earlier, so it should be impossible for the slab to return to Ramses without anyone carrying it. And he saw the pink blob with the brown slab above her head running toward Ramses.
"Urara!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!"
"EEEEEKKKKK!!!"
This was the first time the young man had screamed angrily at Urara, so Urara was absolutely startled by the young man's scream that she stumbled and fell. The massive slab is flung forward toward Ramses. Ramses's focus was entirely on the slab, a fact that wasn't lost on Goldship.
A chance!!
"KIN'IRO RYOTEI: ZA WORLD!!! TIME WILL NOW STOP MOVING!!!"
A figure appears behind Goldship, points her finger at Ramses, and everything suddenly stands still. The figure has piercing green eyes. Her black hair frames her delicate face, and the long ponytail hides behind her frame like a scorpion's tail, ready to strike. She wears a flowing black outfit that blends structure with grace. Gold and white accents trace the lines of her coat or dress, forming a pattern that feels ceremonial, almost arcane.
"Serious series: Serious Run!"
*BAM*
Goldship dug her feet into the ground and, for once in her lifetime, ran with the full intent of winning. With her being serious, it doesn't take even a second for her to reach Ramses's position, a good thing because she can only stop time for 10 seconds.
"But before allat, let's thank today's sponsor!! Without her help, this beating would never have happened!! Haru Urara, you truly are a reliable girl. I'm grateful that I came to Tracen and met you."
"..."
"And… Yare Yare, I made it in time."
"GOL!!"
The figure once again appears and delivers a powerful punch aimed at Ramses's hand. With this, the mummy will no longer be able to grab the slab. Goldship doesn't have as much information about this guy as Igo Heita, so she can only be cautious. The mummy and the slab seem to be linked to each other, so who knows what he will do once he gets his hands on it.
"Fuuuuuuuuhhh…"
Goldship takes a long, deep breath. Preparing herself to summon Kin'iro Ryotei for an extended period of time.
"Kuh! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!! GOL!!"
"Time will now begin to move again."
"UUURRRYYYAAAAAA!!!"
The frail mummy, the being that had been preserved for thousands of years, was punched to dust by Goldship's stand. A single punch from her stand should do the job, but Goldship wasn't taking her chances when the thing could summon 3 Egyptian Gods.
"Oh! Thank you, Goldship!! I almost lost me money!! Haru Urara! What were you thinking?!?"
"Sniffle… Sniffle… But…"
"You stupid horse!! You almost made me lose me money!! Ooga-Booga-Booga!!"
"Sniffle… Sniffle… Sniffle… UUUUWWWWWWAAAAAAHHH!! WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! Sniffle!! Sniffle!!"
"Wait! Wait! I'm kidding! I'm kidding!! Please don't cry!!"
"Trainer Igo!! What did you do?!"
Like a tigress to her cub, King Halo arrived when Haru Urara began to cry. She was fuming when she saw her 'daughter' being berated by her father, who was supposed to be her guardian.
"Wait! I can explain!"
"If it comes to this, then you force me to use cast iron!!"
Cast iron? I don't know that King Halo was a witch, either!! Did they update the in-game lore or something? And what kind of effect will a spell named 'iron' have?
*THUNK*
"AH!! What did I do??"
King Halo's 'cast iron' spell comes in the form of a cast-iron pan to the back of the head.
"Now! You'd better make it up to Urara!! You have to do whatever she asks!!"
"Wait! Wait! Let me grab my slab first!!!"
"NO WAIT!!"
The mother grabs the abusive father by his collar and drags him behind her as she holds her daughter's hand and brings the two into the building. The father tries his best to cling to the ground, but the mother's strength overpowers any effort he makes.
"Sigh… Man… What do I do with this now?"
Goldship, being the only one left on the field, grabs the slab and looks at it. The MacGuffin has caused so much trouble for a single day, even for her, that she doesn't feel like keeping it. She has plenty of souvenirs from Egypt anyway, a troublesome artefact like this can be thrown away with no problem.
"Kin'iro Ryotei."
Goldship's stand grabs the slab and, with full power, throws it toward downtown Tokyo. Hopefully, an archaeologist finds it and puts it in a museum or something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Uuuh… Man… Boss has been a bitch lately… Fucking wish I could quit, but I need the money… Hmm? What's that?"
*BAM*
"WOAH!!! What this? This looks expensive!! I can sell this and get a shit ton of money!!"
"Reeeettuuuurrrnnn Thheee Sllllaaaabbb~~"
"Eh?"
"Osiris, Obelisk, Ra, attack."
"WAIT!! WAIT!! WAWAWAIT!!"
*BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM*
And that's the story of how a random Japanese salaryman became the next mummy buried inside the sarcophagus in Egypt.