Late at night, in a small, dingy tavern, Tsunade was blissfully unaware of the misfortune hurtling her way.
A rare win at the casino had put her in a spectacularly good mood, and she was celebrating accordingly. Her disciple, Shizune, could only watch with a familiar sense of dread as Tsunade, the Legendary Sucker, drank herself into a stupor and passed out on the table.
"This is going to be trouble again," Shizune sighed, clutching their dwindling money pouch as she went to pay the bill. It was a scene that had played out a thousand times before.
When she returned, however, a new character had entered the drama. A figure in a wide conical hat stood beside Tsunade, a hand resting on her golden hair.
What in the world is that guy doing? Does he have a death wish? Shizune's mind raced.
Even dead drunk, Tsunade's body was a finely tuned weapon. An unconscious twitch, a reflexive punch, and that guy would be a red smear on the floor. In the entire ninja world, no one could withstand a direct hit from Tsunade.
"Hey, don't—" Shizune started to rush forward, a mix of annoyance and alarm rising in her. This idiot was courting death, and he was about to get a very permanent lesson.
But her path was blocked. A man with a gloomy, stitched-up face suddenly appeared before her.
"Mr. Kakuzu," Shizune gasped, clutching the money pouch tighter.
"How much does she owe you?" the man in the conical hat asked, glancing back at them. His voice was soft, but carried an undeniable authority. "Don't make things difficult for a child."
"Yes," Kakuzu nodded, and promptly took the money pouch from Shizune's arms.
"Wait—" Shizune hadn't meant to stop Kakuzu; her eyes were glued to Tsunade, desperately willing her to wake up. S
he had no idea how to handle this.
The man in the hat radiated danger.
But today, Tsunade didn't react.
As the man rubbed her head, she actually nuzzled against his hand like a sleeping child, as if that touch was the safest thing in the world. In her drunken haze, she thought she was dreaming of her childhood, dozing on a bench in the corridor of Konoha Hospital.
The medical ninja who had guided her, his reanimated hand gently stroking her hair during a break from writing his endless case scrolls. This long-lost sense of security...
Tears streamed from Tsunade's eyes.
In her dream, she felt Shirou's figure start to leave, and her hand shot out, grabbing his arm. "Lord Emiya..."
"You've grown up, Tsunade," the dream-Shirou said, his voice calm. He gently pulled his hand away and turned, walking out of her childhood, and seemingly, out of her life for good.
The next day, Tsunade woke up in a hotel bed with a splitting headache. Shizune was by her side, looking dazed.
"I can't drink that much anymore," Tsunade groaned, rubbing her temples. "I thought I'd get a good night's sleep, but even my dreams were a mess."
"Last night," Shizune began hesitantly, "Mr. Kakuzu came to collect the debt."
"Oh," Tsunade said, uninterested. "The money I won should have been enough, right? Did that guy at least leave us enough for travel?"
"Yes," Shizune nodded, then added, "There was another man with him, in a conical hat."
"That guy!" Tsunade grumbled, already annoyed. "It's not like I wasn't going to pay. Did he really need to bring backup to corner me? Did he think I'd run out on my debt this time?"
"That person," Shizune clenched her fists, nervously recounting how the man had touched Tsunade's head. She expected an explosion of rage, but Tsunade's face remained strangely calm.
"Anything else?" Tsunade asked, her voice even. "When did the guy in the hat leave?"
"Just... after Mr. Kakuzu finished counting the money," Shizune said, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "When he was leaving, Lady Tsunade... you grabbed him and wouldn't let go."
The sheer secondhand embarrassment was almost too much for Shizune to bear.
"Let's go!" Tsunade threw off the covers, a storm brewing in her eyes. "We're going to find Kakuzu!"
"Ah! But he didn't take extra money! He didn't even charge interest!" Shizune's protests were ignored.
They rushed to the orphanage Kakuzu funded, but he was already gone, having left a sum of money and slipped away during the night.
Tsunade couldn't very well cause a scene at an orphanage, so she left a message for him and, to Shizune's surprise, announced they were returning to Konoha.
"Back to Konoha?" Shizune's face lit up.
"Just going back to check on something," Tsunade said, not admitting the real reason. "To see if the thing I left behind is still there."
She could only hope her old friend Orochimaru still had a shred of conscience and hadn't stolen her things when he defected. If he had, and if he had also mastered her great grand-uncle's Impure World Reincarnation...
Tsunade didn't dare confirm the guess forming in her mind. First, she had to check.
-----
On the outskirts of town, Emiya Shirou took off his conical hat.
"The First Hokage's granddaughter might have realized you've returned from the underworld," Kakuzu reminded him softly.
"It doesn't matter," Shirou said, unconcerned. "It was just a chance encounter. My purpose here is to help you recruit a suitable teammate."
"Is there anyone in the Land of Hot Water?" Kakuzu asked, his interest piqued. A new teammate meant a new potential bounty.
"There's a person named Hidan."
Kakuzu flipped through his little black book of bounties. "Wait... this person doesn't have a bounty."
"He is your future teammate," Shirou said, raising an eyebrow, hoping Kakuzu wouldn't immediately equate "teammate" with "bounty target."
At least try to be normal.
"Useless," Kakuzu shook his head, unimpressed. Ever since his betrayal, he trusted no one but Shirou.
And the Akatsuki's recruitment standards were... questionable.
They only cared about power, not reputation, which only solidified Kakuzu's view of his teammates as walking price tags.
But Shirou saw potential in Hidan. The man was rumored to be immortal, a product of some mysterious human experiment. And Shirou had always been curious about immortality.
After all, only those who have died can truly appreciate the value of life.
When they found Hidan, he was exactly as advertised. He didn't care about their recruitment offer and just charged at them, swinging his massive scythe.
A flash of green chakra, and Hidan's head was neatly separated from his body. It fell to the ground with a dull thud.
"You two!" Hidan's head shouted from the dirt, not dead, his headless body scrambling to pick it up.
"So he really is the immortal from the rumors," Kakuzu noted, unfazed. He was immortal too, after all. But besides that, Hidan seemed to have no other merits.
His charge had been sloppy, full of openings.
"This person..." Shirou watched with a confused look as Hidan's body chased his own rolling head.
Wait... why does he look so stupid? Did he lose his intelligence along with his head?
"Barely usable," Kakuzu said, stepping on Hidan's head. At least the idiot could be used as a scapegoat. "Want to join the Akatsuki?"
"No!" Hidan's face, even pinned under a boot, was arrogant.
But as the shoe pressed down, he quickly added, "Wait! Unless... you are willing to help Lord Emiya preach!"
"Which Lord Emiya?" Kakuzu asked, confused.
"Of course, the legendary Evil God, Lord Emiya Shirou!" Hidan declared with pride. "I was favored by him and gained the power of immortality. Of course, I must spread his name!"
Kakuzu subconsciously looked at Shirou.
Shirou's brows furrowed. "In the ninja world... there should only be one Emiya Shirou, right?"
He had a sinking feeling.
Was someone else out there doing bad things in his name?