Chapter 26 – Audit from Heaven: Revisited
A single bell echoed across the Bureau at dawn — not the soft chime for morning prayers, but the deep, thunderous clang that made every celestial flinch.
Assistant Yue froze mid-step.
Lord Bureaucrat Xian's teacup shattered.
And Ne Job, halfway through sneaking an extra celestial doughnut, looked around and whispered, "Was that… the lunch bell?"
Yue turned pale. "That's the Audit Bell. Heaven's inspectors are here."
Ne Job blinked. "Wait, again? Didn't we just survive one two months ago?"
"Yes," Yue said grimly. "And thanks to your recent Complaint Department catastrophe, the Heavenly Audit Division decided we require 'follow-up observation.'"
Ne Job swallowed his doughnut whole. "You mean… they're auditing me?"
"They're auditing us. But you, specifically, will make it worse."
---
Arrival of the Auditor
A portal opened above the central hall, and out descended the most terrifying figure in celestial bureaucracy:
Inspector Ao Bing, immaculate as always—robes silver-blue, eyes sharp enough to slice paperwork in half.
Behind him floated an entourage of divine auditors with clipboards, their pens already glowing with judgment.
"Good morning, Department of Mortal Affairs," Ao Bing announced coolly. "By order of the Jade Archive, we are conducting a comprehensive re-evaluation of your internal operations. Any obstruction will result in divine disciplinary action."
Ne Job saluted nervously. "Permission to… take a very long bathroom break?"
"Denied," Ao Bing said immediately.
Lord Bureaucrat Xian stepped forward, trying to maintain dignity. "Lord Ao Bing, how wonderful to see you again—"
Ao Bing raised an eyebrow. "Last time, your department's intern summoned an unauthorized paperwork spirit. Tell me, have you implemented corrective measures?"
Ne Job whispered, "Technically, I promoted it…"
Yue elbowed him before he could say more.
---
The Audit Begins
The inspectors moved like hawks through the cubicles—checking every report, seal, and soul record. Every whisper of quill made Ne Job sweat.
Ao Bing turned to him. "Intern Ne Job. You were recently reassigned to Complaint Processing, correct?"
"Yes, sir! And I did amazing! The complaints have never been quieter!"
"That's because," Ao Bing said, "you turned them into a deity."
"…Creative problem solving?" Ne Job tried.
Ao Bing took notes with surgical precision. "Creativity is not compliance."
The auditors began questioning Yue next. "How long has the intern been unsupervised?"
Yue deadpanned. "Since he arrived."
Ne Job protested, "That's not true! I've been semi-supervised! Sometimes she watches me suffer!"
One of the auditors looked up. "Noted. Possible workplace abuse."
Yue froze. "Wait—no, that's not what I—"
Ne Job leaned toward her. "Relax, Yue. I'll defend you!"
He turned to the auditors. "She's only slightly abusive."
"…Not helping," she hissed.
---
An Unfortunate Discovery
The audit reached Ne Job's desk — a disaster zone of half-filled reports, glowing coffee stains, and one suspiciously twitching scroll labeled "DO NOT OPEN – Signed, Myself."
Ao Bing eyed it. "Explain this."
"Ah, that's my personal note," Ne Job said. "Every time I'm about to make a mistake, I write a warning to future me."
"And does it work?"
Ne Job thought for a moment. "No."
Ao Bing sighed and opened the scroll.
A blinding flash erupted. Out popped a paper construct of Ne Job's handwriting, screaming, "DON'T OPEN THIS YOU FOOL!" before combusting into confetti.
Everyone stood in stunned silence.
Then Ao Bing calmly wrote something on his clipboard.
"Noted: self-sabotaging documentation practices."
Lord Xian buried his face in his sleeves. "I am requesting early reincarnation."
---
The Hidden Ledger
Just as the auditors prepared to leave, one of them shouted, "Wait! There's an unregistered storage file behind the intern's desk!"
A hidden compartment opened, revealing a dusty, glowing book. The title read: "Forbidden Manual of Bureaucratic Shortcuts."
Ao Bing's eyes widened. "This manual is restricted under Divine Regulation 47-B! How did you acquire this?"
Ne Job panicked. "I didn't! It just appeared one day! Probably cursed—can't be me!"
The manual opened on its own, pages fluttering.
A voice whispered from within: "Oh, we remember you, little intern…"
Ne Job screamed. "IT TALKS AGAIN!"
The entire room tensed. Even Ao Bing stepped back as ethereal script spilled into the air, forming the shadowy shape of the Evil Manual Spirit, grinning wickedly.
"Did you miss me, paperwork monkey?" it purred. "I've been hiding in your 'personal development notes.'"
Yue slapped her forehead. "You mean your last 'improvement plan' was possessed?!"
Ao Bing's aura flared. "Contain it before it spreads!"
The spirit laughed, stretching across the ceiling. "Contain me? I am the system now!"
Scrolls across the department began glowing red, warping into tendrils of rogue bureaucracy.
Ne Job groaned. "Why do all my projects become monsters?!"
---
Containment Protocol
Ao Bing drew his halberd, its blade shimmering with divine sigils. "Stand back!"
But before he could strike, the Evil Manual Spirit wrapped around Ne Job, whispering into his ear.
"You and I are the same, intern. You bend rules. I write them. Merge with me—become the ultimate clerk."
Ne Job hesitated. "...Do I get paid?"
"NE JOB!" Yue yelled. "Focus!"
He snapped out of it. "Right! Sorry—tempting offer."
The spirit roared, launching spectral pages toward everyone. Ao Bing slashed through them, Yue formed seals, and Xian unleashed a flurry of golden stamps.
Ne Job, in pure desperation, grabbed a blank scroll and scribbled furiously:
> Emergency Directive:
Any document exhibiting demonic behavior is to be immediately forwarded to higher management.
The words glowed—
The spirit froze—then screamed, "No! You wouldn't—"
"Too late!" Ne Job shouted, stamping it with Xian's seal.
The Evil Manual Spirit was sucked into the scroll, which folded neatly and teleported upward—straight into the Heavenly Headquarters.
A deafening silence followed.
Ao Bing blinked. "You… forwarded the corruption directly to headquarters?"
Ne Job grinned weakly. "Well, I didn't want to delete evidence…"
Ao Bing closed his clipboard. "You may have just doomed upper management."
Yue rubbed her temples. "Again."
---
Aftermath
Hours later, after the smoke cleared and the paperwork stabilized, Ao Bing finished his audit report.
He stood before the department, immaculate despite the chaos.
"Summary of findings," he read. "One: The intern is a walking procedural anomaly. Two: The assistant is overworked and underappreciated. Three: Lord Xian's management style is… denial-based."
Lord Xian coughed politely. "An efficient system, thank you."
Ao Bing continued, "However, given that the intern inadvertently contained a major corruption outbreak, the Audit Division has decided to issue a temporary reprieve."
Ne Job brightened. "Wait, does that mean I passed?"
Ao Bing's eyes glowed faintly. "It means you are being transferred. Temporarily."
Ne Job's grin froze. "Transferred where?"
"To the Shard Court. Effective immediately."
Everyone went silent.
Yue's expression darkened. "You mean the judicial division that deals with broken gods and divine lawsuits?"
Ao Bing nodded. "Consider it… field experience."
Ne Job groaned. "Can't I just stay in my cubicle?"
Ao Bing smirked. "You broke the cubicle."
---
As the auditors vanished in a flash of light, Ne Job stood there, holding a new transfer scroll that pulsed ominously.
Yue sighed. "Don't worry. Maybe the Shard Court will be peaceful."
A booming voice echoed from the scroll:
"Case #9999 – The Spirit of Complaints vs. Intern Ne Job."
Ne Job's face went white.
"Oh, come on!"