Chapter 9 — Slap Bet (Secrets, Sparkles & Sibling Torture)
Ted Mosby believed secrets added mystery.
Barney Stinson believed secrets were just future blackmail.
And Ivar Scherbatsky? He believed secrets were landmines — fun to step on if you weren't the one who buried them.
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The Bet
At MacLaren's, Robin dodged every question about her past.
Ted pressed. "Come on, Robin. What's the big secret?"
Barney grinned. "I bet it's something dirty."
Marshall shook his head. "No, I bet it's something weird."
Lily sighed. "Why can't you just respect her privacy?"
"Because," Barney announced, "I declare a slap bet! Winner gets to slap the loser."
Marshall's eyes lit up. "Forever."
Robin groaned. "This is insane."
Ivar leaned back, sipping his whiskey. "Correction: this is entertaining. Continue."
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The Suspicion
The gang spiraled into theories:
Barney: "She did porn."
Ted: "She got married."
Marshall: "She's secretly Canadian royalty."
Robin snapped, "I'm not telling you anything."
Megan smirked. "You're protesting too much. That means it's good."
Yvonne added: "Odds are, it's embarrassing. Which means Ivar's already figuring out how to weaponize it."
"Correct," Ivar said calmly.
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The Discovery
Later, while the gang argued, Ivar disappeared into Robin's old box of tapes (with Megan and Yvonne egging him on).
He returned holding a battered VHS labeled: "Let's Go to the Mall."
Robin froze. "NO."
"Yes," Ivar said, sliding it into the player.
The screen lit up: Robin Sparkles in full 90s glory — denim jacket, big hair, singing "Let's go to the mall today!"
The room exploded.
Barney fell off the couch laughing.
Ted gawked. "You… were a Canadian pop star?"
Marshall clapped like a seal. "This is better than porn!"
Lily squealed, "I love this so much!"
Ivar? He was already on his phone. "Uploading it to every Northern Star device sold in Canada."
"WHAT?!" Robin shrieked.
Megan smirked. "Oh, this is beautiful."
Yvonne added dryly, "Congratulations, Robin. You're a software update."
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The Slap
Marshall won the bet, landing the first slap across Barney's smug face.
Barney staggered back, grinning even through the sting. "Totally worth it."
Robin buried her face in her hands. "I hate all of you."
Ivar leaned close, whispering just loud enough: "Correction. You hate that I'm right."
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Closing Beat
By the end of the night:
Barney replayed Robin Sparkles on loop.
Ted kept muttering "I dated a pop star" like it was a badge of honor.
Marshall celebrated his slap privileges.
Lily sang along to the chorus until Robin threatened violence.
Megan and Yvonne roasted Robin mercilessly.
And Ivar? He watched it all, calm and smug.
Because some secrets weren't meant to stay buried.
Some were meant to sparkle.
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End of Chapter 9.
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👉 Next is Chapter 10 ("Single Stamina") — Barney drags the gang to his brother's wedding, where canon introduces his gay brother James. Do you want me to keep James exactly as he is, or expand his role a little so Ivar interacts with him (and maybe respects him in a way Barney doesn't expect)?