It's been four years, and I still write to him. A Chinese actor, a crush so deep and consuming it felt like a force of nature. I knew he'd never reply, but I couldn't stop. He was my handsome fantasy, the one who stepped into my life on October 10, 2020, through the drama Go Ahead. The obsession was so complete that after finishing it, I never watched another one of his dramas; the thought of seeing him with any other female artist felt like a betrayal. Crazy, I know.
That celebrity crush was the gentle nudge that pushed me away from Tori. It makes no logical sense, but it was true. By December 13, 2020, Tori and I broke up. Maybe it was just the wild, unpredictable nature of being a teenager. And gradually, the country of my crush—China—became my impossible dream.
I was halfway through dinner when a sudden, sharp memory of Neel's note made me abandon my plate. I ran back to my room, locking the door behind me. I pulled the small, folded paper from my jeans pocket and read his words, my heart thumping against my ribs.
"Benny,
I didn't know when I started to have a soft corner for you. It must have been from 2018 when we started to chat a lot. I knew I had a girlfriend at that time, but I liked talking to you more. I truly didn't see it any other way; I thought of you like a cousin. But after you told me you felt something for me, I pushed you away, telling you nothing could ever happen between us.
After that day, I didn't know what happened to me. I couldn't stop thinking about you. But a few days later, when you made it clear that if you didn't see me in person, your feelings for me would just disappear—I don't know why my heart ached. I couldn't continue my relationship with my girlfriend. I told her everything, how I felt for you. She understood and told me a relationship can't be maintained if two people don't feel the same way for each other. We broke up peacefully that time.
A few years passed, and I couldn't fall for anyone else. I didn't know how you felt for me now. Did you still have that kind of feeling for me or not? I didn't even have the courage to ask you. But this time, I decided to make a move. And now I know you still feel the same for me.
I have a few months left to finish my diploma. If you want, I can move here and get a good job. This way, because of the long distance, your feelings won't fade away. I'll meet with you every day, I promise. I won't let you forget about my face so that your brain won't stop calling my name: Neel, Neel, Neel...
Benny, can we be together? If you don't want now, then it's okay. The time when I come here permanently will also be okay.
Benny... I really want your honest answer.
Neel"
I folded the note carefully, my mind racing. I knew what I felt. This was a temporary attraction, a fleeting spark that would vanish the moment he returned home. I couldn't do that to him. I didn't want to reply, didn't want to do anything stupid that would hurt him in the end.
But my finger was already hitting the call button.
He picked up immediately. Silence stretched between us, thick and heavy.
"Neel."
"I'm hearing you," he replied, his voice low.
"I read your note. Can I give my answer a few days later, after you go back?"
A long, agonizing pause. He didn't reply.
"Hello, Neel, hello?"
Then he called my name, the sound laced with a painful understanding. "Benny..."
He knew. He already knew what answer he would get once he was gone.
"Yeah," I whispered.
"Why can't I keep your heart aching for me when I'm not around you?" he asked.
The question stole all my words. I was silent.
"I'm going back tomorrow," he said, his voice now flat, devoid of the earlier hope. "I'll be waiting for your reply."
I didn't answer. He hung up the call.