Chapter 5 – Heroic Unemployment
"Unemployment... benefits….?" the dwarven woman asked with such confusion that you could presume Jiro spoke a completely different language to her.
Jiro, the all-mighty hero summoned from another world, sat in front of this fantastical government worker with a wide grin. His eyes were not only full of hope but also a complete lack of shame or pride, as his butt didn't even wait a full 24 hours after being transported to foreign lands, before strategising his unemployment.
"You know, benefits?" he stated confidently "Like council housing? Food stamps? Health insurance?"
The long-bearded woman looked at him for a solid minute without saying a thing, breathing or even blinking.
"You mean to say you're expecting something for not working?"
"Emm… yeah? Isn't that the norm? Helping those down on their luck?"
Dwarven worker sighed loudly, "What are you talking about, kid? Are you from a different world or something?"
"Actually, yeah, I am"
The elderly government worker of the unemployment department suddenly stood up, slamming her hands against the wooden desk. She pointed her thick finger at Jiro's face, basically shoving it between his eyes, and yelled.
"You pesky otherworlders! You think you can just come into our kingdom, take our jobs, and claim some freebies?! It's because of people likeyou, aliens from a different dimension, that it's no longer safe on the streets!"
Dwarven woman screamed at the top of her lungs, as blood started rushing to her head, making it, not yet red but orange. Jiro, now uncomfortable, leaned back on his chair, barely touching the floor anymore.
Jiro looked around searching for silent confirmation that what he was experiencing was indeed out of order, but the whole hall continued its work as if it were a regular daily occurrence.
"You think you can just cross the multiverse illegally and court our daughters? I bet you're one of those unicorn-stealing aliens from Star Galaxy S24, and you want to put a magic crystal inside my head to control-"
"Urgh… why are you here again?" said a soft voice behind Jiro. As he turned his head back, he saw a beautiful elven woman with long, blonde hair that, in this lighting, seemed to have a slight green tint. She looked young, but her eyes indicated experience beyond her appearance. She stood firmly, pointing at the dwarven woman.
Almost immediately at her signal, royal guards came to collect the screaming dwarf. "Don't be fooled! The King is trying to hypnotise you through your buttholes using toilet paper! Wake up, people!" She screamed as she was being dragged off to the balcony and eventually thrown off the edge.
(I swear we were on the third floor though….)
The elven woman sat down where the crazy dwarf had sat just moments ago with an exaggerated sigh full of exhaustion and frustration. She took a deep breath through her thin lips. You could almost hear a melody in her breath as she collected herself before greeting Jiro with a kind and motherly smile.
"My apologies for that", she said with a light, musical voice "Dolores tends to escape the facility from time to time. Don't worry - we'll have her put down eventually."
"What do you mean put-"
"I'm Carmen Evergreen, unemployment officer", she said quickly, without breaking her innocent smile "How can I help you today, sweetheart?"
(Mr Narrator? Should I be scared of this woman?)
Oh yes, definitely. Please don't mess with her, Jiro.
(*gulp*)
At this very moment, Jiro realised that he was leaning on his chair so far back that he was already floating suspended in mid-air, but due to cartoon logic, he didn't fall to the ground until he noticed. He noticed now.
*SLAM*
"Ouch, ouch, ouch"
Jiro was holding the back of his head. All eyes were now on him, as he scrambled his all-mighty behind off the floor in embarrassment.
(So they didn't care about that crazy lady, but suddenly get so curious when I'm making an ass of myself? Damn NPCs)
Jiro straightened himself up, managed to get back on his chair, and turned his gaze towards Carmen. Traumatised by what he has experienced, his bravado was gone without a trace.
Shoulders noticeably slumped, knees touching each other under the table, eyes glued to the floor (this time only figuratively). He even did that weird 'uwu' thing by touching the index fingers together.
"I-I-I-I-I w-w-wanted t-t-to ask if-f-f-f I could ap-apply for the un-n-n-n-unemployment b-benefits, p-please?"
Jiro hid his head as if expecting a sudden attack.
"Unemployment benefits?" Carmen said without breaking a smile. She tilted her head slightly and clasped her hands excitedly "Of course, honey! Would you like the full package or just partial?"
(…)
"Wait, really? Do you have benefits?"
"Of course we do. We're a monarchy, but we take care of our own. When you're down on your luck, our government provides food vouchers, free visits to the cleric, alchemy coupons, and even job consulting to make sure our precious citizens have a way to get back on their feet if they ever get knocked down"
The eyes of our hero suddenly became glossy with an impending tear, as disbelief took over his body. He reached over the table and held Carmen's hand as if she were his biggest treasure.
Her hands were cold but soft, her skin smooth as if coated in magic. Elf's nails were neatly polished, which fit her overall put-together persona.
"Thank you! You're my saviour! I knew I could count on a civilised society like-"
"Dear customer, I understand your excitement, but there's no need for such gestures"
Jiro raised his head to see Carmen's practised customer-service smile lingering on her lips, but her eyes couldn't hide her annoyance at a strange man touching her. Jiro could have sworn he saw himself being decapitated in her gaze.
He quickly jumped back and felt his divine magic react instinctively, creating a protective enchantment that nullified physical damage around his skin. This woman was indeed dangerous. Like I said. Just a minute ago. But did he listen? No. This brat….
"Oh. Sorry. Emm… So about those benefits?" Jiro smiled apologetically.
Carmen sighed softly before returning to her professional, gentle demeanour.
"Of course. Under unemployment, you get all the benefits I mentioned. All you need to do is fill out a few documents, provide your ID, and let the spirit of the damned possess you for five business days as we process your application"
"Excuse me…. Spirit of the damned?"
"Yes. Soul of an evil warrior from the abyss. Don't you worry, it's standard procedure"
(Why does it feel like another fantasy scam, but sure. I'll bite)
"S-sure. Is housing included in the benefit package?"
"Sure thing, sweetheart. It's not luxury, but it's a bed and a bathroom"
"Ok… I would like that"
Jiro takes out his wallet hesitantly, then his student ID, and places it gently on the desk in front of the government employee. Carmen looks at it, then at Jiro, back at the plastic card and leans back on her chair, pinching the bridge of her nose, as if she tried to erase the memory of this whole conversation. She looked up and sighed, seeing that the young man was still sitting in front of her.
"So you're an otherworlder?"
"Is that an issue?"
"Honey… We need a valid ID from this universe to provide any benefits. This… whatever it is won't do."
Jiro looked down at his Japanese student card with visible disappointment. He didn't consider before that his existence on this planet is something that started only a few hours ago.
"Don't worry. There are some ways for a traveller like you to register as a temporary citizen," Carmen said, sliding his student card across the table towards him.
"The first option is to register at the merchant guild. That's certainly the easiest option. All you need to do is pass a math test and pay an entrance fee of twenty gold pieces."
"TWENTY?!" Jiro raised his voice, surprising even him.
(Buying Mira from those slave traders was only five gold. Getting an ID costs 4 times that? What kind of scam are they running?)
The hero looked around, noticing his outburst stirred whispers around him. He turned his head towards Carmen and bowed slightly.
"My apologies. Is there any other way for an identification document for me?"
"Well, you could also try the Alchemist Guild. You don't have to pay any entrance fee. All you need to do is pass a simple herbalist test. Are you by any chance well-versed in potion making and practical use of magical herbs?"
"M'am… I came to this world four hours ago. I barely remember the name of the kingdom, let alone know anything about plants"
Carmen looked at him with pity and took a long breath. She rested her elbow on the desk and waved for him to lean in closer.
"There's one more way to do it. Wanna know?"
Jiro swallowed his nerves, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly. He nodded and came closer. Carmen's lips were now just an inch away from his ear. Her soft breath tickled Jiro's sensitive skin. The sensual tension made the hair on his arm stand up straight as if they tried to listen to the gorgeous elf's whispers as well.
"If you really want the ID, all you need to do is…."
.
.
.
.
.
Jiro was now sitting on a very uncomfortable chair, in a smelly, dim room, pouting. His arms crossed, mumbling most intricate curses under his nose.
A charming girl in a navy blue uniform sat down opposite him and, with a bright, hopeful smile, said:
"Welcome to the Adventurer's Guild. How can I help you?"