The drawers clattered open again as Yumi dug through them, hands trembling, eyes darting like she was searching for air.
Ellie's voice echoed faintly somewhere in her mind. Laughter. That summer afternoon in the garden. The pink ribbons. The smell of citrus and sugar.
For a moment, she could almost hear her voice calling her name.
Her throat locked up. No sound came out. The ache behind her eyes burned, but no tears fell.
She pressed a hand to her chest. It felt too tight, like she was drowning without water.
Maybe Ellie wasn't dead. Maybe that was all a dream.
If she just went back to the docks right now, maybe Ellie would still be there, waiting.
Maybe nothing had happened at all.
What should she have done better? Should she have let herself get killed and let Ellie run? Ellie's life is worth more than hers anyway. She's too rotten to be allowed to live anyway.
"Yumi," Toji's voice came from the corridor.
"Not now," she rasped, her breathing uneven.
He stepped closer. "What are you looking for?"
"Meds. You see them?" She turned to him, shaking, eyes wild.
He froze. "They're with me. But why...?"
"Give them back."
Something in her tone made him move. He went to the drawer where he had hidden them and handed her the bottle.
The moment it touched her hand, she tore the lid open and downed half of it, choking on the pills.
"Oi—what the hell are you doing?" Toji rushed forward, grabbing her wrist, but she shoved him off, gasping for air.
"Whiskey," she coughed out.
"What?"
"Up there." She pointed at the shelf with shaky fingers.
He hesitated, then reached up and grabbed the bottle. Before he could speak, she snatched it and poured it down her throat.
"Oi, stop it! Calm down!?" he yelled, trying to take it away, but she fought back, nails scratching against his arm.
"Let go!"
"What, you trynna die?" He caught her by the shoulders, but she twisted, shoving him back again.
"Yeah, I am trying to fucking die, okay!? leave me alone."
The world spun. The bottle slipped from her fingers and shattered across the floor.
Toji caught her just before her knees hit the tiles. She struggled weakly, breath shallow and erratic.
Then, slowly, the tension drained out of her body.
The meds had started to work. Her chest loosened. The buzzing in her head began to fade.
Her eyes stared ahead, empty.
"No, Yumi. This life already killed you."
She looked down at her hands; it was shaky, and her vision was blurry.
'I don't even know who I am anymore...'
Then, all at once, the tears came, rolling down her cheeks in steady streams.
Dropping onto the floor and her palm.
Toji knelt behind her, one hand brushing her hair away from her face. She didn't flinch, just sat there, lips parted like she had forgotten how to breathe.
"Leave me alone," her voice was barely a breath.
He didn't answer. He stayed in the silence, sitting right next to her, shoulder touching, but his hands were shoved into his pockets.
Her sobs slowly deepened until they no longer sounded human. She clutched her chest as if tearing open something invisible. Her breath came out in ragged gasps that hurt to hear.
There were so many thoughts and emotions. Perhaps the meds cleared the fog and so she started feeling.
Most of it was self-hatred. Bitterness.
Memories surged, unstoppable. The smell of Ellie's perfume. The warmth of her hand.
The way she used to hum when she was nervous. Every detail came back like shards of glass pressing into Yumi's skin.
"Give Ellie back to me," her voice cracked.
Her body curled on the cold floor as the words kept spilling out. "I can't do it anymore...I can't do this anymore..." she sobbed, the name escaping her again and again until it dissolved into a hoarse cry, "I wanna leave too... I want to stop too...
Guilt crushed her lungs. It filled every vein, every heartbeat, until she could taste it on her tongue, "Ellie...what should I have done...?"
She could still see Ellie's face before the shot, that faint smile, those eyes that never hated her, even at the end.
After what felt like a long time of crying. She sat exhausted, head resting on her shoulder next to her. A warmth she didn't feel like she deserved, wondering why she's still alive right now.
His hand hovered above her before settling around her head, palm pressed gently against her temple as she rested against him.
"I killed her," she whispered. "but she was all I had left."
He stayed silent. The city outside seemed to disappear, swallowed by the weight in the room. The penthouse felt too small for the grief that filled it.
"I can't take it," she said again, the words breaking apart as fresh tears came.
Her sobs echoed through the dim kitchen, the sound soft but hollow, until they slowed into faint, uneven breaths.
Toji looked down at her, strands of her hair clinging to his arm, her face streaked with tears. How can this fragile little thing survive for so long, and run the whole city even, he thought, exhaling quietly.
------
In the shower:
Steam lingered in the air, curling softly against the mirror.
He had just finished helping her shower. She was now sitting in front of the washroom vanity, hair damp and clinging to her neck. Toji stood behind her, drying her hair with practiced motion.
The sound of the towel against her hair filled the quiet.
"Forget what happened earlier," she murmured. Her reflection met his eyes through the mirror. "Please. Just forget it. It was pathetic. I'm embarrassed."
He didn't respond right away, just continued drying. "You done crying now?"
"I said forget it."
"I didn't say I remember."
He plugged in the hairdryer and started running his fingers through her hair to detangle it before blowing warm air down the strands.
Her lips pressed together faintly. "You're always home when I am home."
"It's part of the contract."
"It would've been worse if you weren't here."
"Don't plan on leaving."
When her hair was done, he set the dryer down.
She sat still, staring at her reflection. "Ellie was killed because she fell in love," she said suddenly.
He leaned against the dresser. "Does love pay rent?"
She turned to look at him, brows drawn. "Is that all you care about?"
"Yeah," he hummed. "I grew up needing to fight for survival. No food, no home. The first lesson you learn is feelings don't keep you alive."
Her gaze softened. "Do you want to live that badly?"
"Compared to someone like you, yeah."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You don't look like you wanna live much." A short pause. "But try to stay alive. You're my rent now."
She let out a quiet scoff. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
He bent down slightly, close enough that his breath brushed her hair, and pressed a small kiss to the top of her head. "Figure it out."
Yumi's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Ellie was killed because she fell in love. With a police officer who was everything she wanted. It was a dream-come-true type of love story, and she sacrificed herself for it."
"Exactly what I mean by feelings don't keep you alive." Toji's tone was dry. "Then again, good thing I'm not a police officer."
He said that thoughtlessly, not realising what that sentence would imply or why he said it. It was just the first thing that crossed his mind.
"It doesn't change much."
"Well, to start, I kill. That changes quite a bit."
She gave a weak laugh. "Change what? You'd kill for me?"
"If you pay me to."
"They'd want you dead too."
"That comes with every job I've taken."
"Well, what if they pay more?" she questioned. "Or what if I can't pay anymore?"
He didn't answer. The silence stretched, only the faint hum of the city outside filling the gap.
After a long moment, he moved behind her again, hands rustling her hair, pretending to check if it was dry yet. "Silly conversation. Just don't fall in love with me."
That's right, why did he even bring up the fact that he wasn't a police officer, as if to compare the two of their love story. Except there was no love in this one. He realised the silliness of it.
She turned her head slightly toward him. "I told you when I offered to buy you already."
"Told me what?"
"I love you."
A pause. Neither moved.
"..."
"..."
"Keep paying, then," he finally muttered. The tension eased.