The lights were dim, the room filled with the quiet hum of the city through the glass.
Yumi lay in bed with Toji beside her, his arm slung lazily over her waist.
"Yumi," he called.
"Hm?"
"What is love?"
She turned her head slightly, a faint smirk tugging at her lips. "Hm. Are you trying to be philosophical now? How strange of you."
He didn't respond, just watched her. The smirk faded.
"I don't know," she said quietly. "I've never really experienced it before."
He raised a brow. "Didn't you just say you love me?"
"I did." Her tone was calm, almost thoughtful. "But that's the problem. I don't know what love is. I only know what I've seen."
He waited in silence.
"Ellie loved someone," she continued. "She said he was kind; it seems like he gave her hope for a better life, which is why she wanted to leave, abandon the current one. When she talked about him, she looked… alive. Maybe that's what love could be. Something that makes life hurt a little less."
Toji's voice broke the stillness. "And you think you loved me like that?"
"I guess. You make living more bearable each day... so did Ellie. I've always thought this, but she was the only source of belonging and happiness I had growing up in this family." She paused. "I loved Ellie, too, I think. And I still killed her. I don't know if it's love anymore. She said she loved that guy and died protecting him. I said I loved her, but killed her to protect myself."
He hummed. "You did it to survive."
"Did I? Does that mean I love myself more than her?" She let out a bitter laugh. "But truthfully, I hate myself. I hate myself more every day. So... what does all of this even mean?"
Toji turned to her, his arm propping his head taller, studying her expression.
"What's there to hate about yourself?" His voice is always flat and unbothered, but his questions always seem to be genuine curiosity.
"Everything. I've done terrible things. I've killed people who trusted me, who called me family. I ruined lives. I killed Ellie. I do things I think are wrong and pretend that they're right. I hate myself and hate my life, but would kill anyone just to protect it. Truthfully, I find myself disgusting. Pathetic. But... I don't know."
He traced his thumb lightly over the back of her hand. "But you're still here, though."
"So?"
"People who hate themselves don't usually fight this hard to stay alive."
"That's what I find pathetic about all this."
"To be human is to fight to survive. You don't find eating or sleeping pathetic. I don't find the things you did to be pathetic. It's natural. I did much worse."
"Will I be one of the worse things you'll do too?"
"You like to ask questions like this."
"I like to hurt myself."
"What for."
Neither spoke for a while. The air between them felt heavy, thick with words that didn't need to be said. Her hand moved without thought, resting against his chest.
She looked at him again. "Toji."
"Yeah?"
"If I ever say I love you again," she whispered, "pretend you didn't hear it."
He froze. The him from a few weeks ago would've said "Okay" without hesitation.
"Why?" he asked.
"I feel like everything I've ever loved disappears," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "Anything I care about. They all vanish."
"I won't die." Toji blinked slowly. "It'd be as hard to kill me as it is to kill god." He didn't sound like he was joking.
"Good." Her lips parted. "But you'll leave."
He pressed his forehead against her shoulder. "Shut up," he said quietly. "Stop talking. Stop thinking." His arms wrapped around her waist, eyes closing.
She gave a small laugh. "I can't."
He sighed. "There's a way to help with that."
She turned to meet his eyes. "What is it?"
"Sex."
The silence that followed was heavy.
A flicker of disbelief crossed her face. "…That's how you coped?"
He shrugged faintly. "Yeah. Worked for me."
"I've never done it before."
He blinked. "What? You've never had sex?"
"Yeah."
"You're still a virgin?"
"I think that's literally what 'never had sex' means. Don't make it sound lame."
"Pftt, it is lame." He laughed. "Do you want to stop being lame?"
"Right." Her voice was flat, bored. "You'll help?"
"Of course. Consider it a husband's duty." His roughened hand slipped into her shirt, sliding upward towards her bare breast.
She wasn't wearing a bra. She never did at night.
It had been a while since he had released himself. Weeks since she leashed him up and set the rule of no outside relations.
At first, he thought they'd definitely fuck; perhaps that rule was so that he didn't spread any diseases to her, fucking around. But nope. All they did was cuddle and sleep.
It was astonishing how she acted as if nothing was happening every time he was hard, like a rock, which was almost always when they were together.
What to do? He was a man, after all. A healthy man with great stamina and an insatiable libido.
"What are you trying to do?" She felt his hand on her breast, circling her nipple, still not touching it directly, as if waiting for her permission.
"I am horny."
"..."
"..."
"I am not."
"Lies." He pinched her rising nipple gently, proving how erect it was, and hence, how she, too, was aroused.
"Mm." Her eyes fluttered shut, a rush of pleasure coursing through her body.
"I am really surprised you've never done it." He inched closer, his bulge pressing against her thighs. His face nuzzled into the side of her neck.
"No time, no energy to ever try." Her breath was shaky and warm, "I don't like people touching me either."
"Then push me away."
"You're different."
"Different how." His hand moved downward slowly, slipping into her underpants. She never wore pants to sleep, just a PJ shirt and underwear.
It was a miracle he had managed to control himself for this long.
"Different because I love you." It sounded too confident to be real, but all Toji can think of right now is how she is not pushing him away.
"You told me to pretend I didn't hear, but I cannot not hear when you say it, so..." he sat up and climbed on top, straddling her, "sweetly." The moonlight bathed his face, casting a charming smirk across his handsome profile.
Beneath him lay a girl, beautiful as a doll. Porcelain skin, half-lidded golden eyes, shaky red lips, and uncontrollable, steamy breath. Oh, how beautiful. He felt like devouring her.
"Yumi."
"What."
"I am taking your virginity."