Chapter 4: The Saliva Samurai and the Shop of Dubious Delights
With six precious Reputation Points burning a hole in his metaphorical pocket, Ethan focused his mental energy on option "3": SYSTEM: SHOP.
The screen shimmered, and a new interface materialized. It was… overwhelming.
SYSTEM: SHOP
Categories:
1. Skills
2. Items
3. Information
4. Upgrades
5. Miscellaneous (Warning: Contents May Be Utterly Bizarre)
Below the categories, a scrolling list of items appeared, accompanied by their Reputation Point cost. The descriptions were brief, often cryptic, and occasionally deeply disturbing.
SYSTEM: SHOP - SKILLS
- Strategic Drool: (5 RP) - Control your saliva with deadly precision.
- Baby Babble: (10 RP) - Communicate complex thoughts through seemingly nonsensical baby sounds.
- Diaper Dynamo: (15 RP) - Harness the power of your soiled diaper for… reasons.
- The Thousand-Yard Stare: (20 RP) - Intimidate enemies with a blank, unsettling gaze. (May cause existential crises.)
SYSTEM: SHOP - ITEMS
- Pacifier of Power: (2 RP) - Grants +1 to all stats while actively sucking. (Warning: May cause addiction.)
- Rattle of Regeneration: (5 RP) - Slowly restores HP over time. (Requires constant shaking.)
- Bib of Binding: (10 RP) - Temporarily restrains enemies with magically sticky fabric. (Dry cleaning not included.)
SYSTEM: SHOP - INFORMATION
- "Aethelgard for Dummies" (Abridged Edition): (3 RP) - Learn the basics of Aethelgardian history, culture, and customs. (Warning: May contain inaccuracies and blatant propaganda.)
- "Monster Manual (Volume 1): Common Vermin": (5 RP) - Identify and exploit the weaknesses of common monsters. (Does not include advice on dealing with existential dread.)
Ethan scrolled through the list, his mind racing. The "Pacifier of Power" was tempting, but he needed a skill. And "Strategic Drool" was calling his name.
He mentally selected "Strategic Drool."
SYSTEM: CONFIRM PURCHASE? (Y/N)
Ethan imagined a resounding "Y."
SYSTEM: SKILL "STRATEGIC DROOL" ACQUIRED!
A wave of energy washed over him. It wasn't a visible or tangible energy, but he could feel it. A newfound control, a subtle mastery over the very essence of his saliva.
Time to experiment.
He focused his attention on a nearby dust bunny. Normally, his drool was a haphazard affair, a slobbery mess that dribbled down his chin with no rhyme or reason. Now, he could feel the potential, the power…
He took a deep breath and willed a single droplet of saliva to form. It appeared, glistening and perfectly spherical, at the tip of his tongue. He focused on it, shaping it, guiding it with his newfound mental control.
Then, with a flick of his tongue, he launched it.
The droplet soared through the air, a tiny, glistening projectile of saliva-based destruction. It struck the dust bunny with pinpoint accuracy.
Nothing happened.
The dust bunny remained stubbornly inert.
Ethan frowned. Maybe "deadly precision" was an exaggeration.
He tried again. This time, he focused on increasing the viscosity of his drool. He imagined it becoming thick, sticky, almost glue-like.
He launched another droplet. This time, it landed with a satisfying thwack, gluing the dust bunny to the floor.
Progress!
He spent the next hour practicing his "Strategic Drool," experimenting with different levels of viscosity, trajectory, and volume. He learned to create tiny, focused droplets of spit that could stick to surfaces like superglue. He learned to launch larger, more amorphous globs of drool that could cover a wide area. He even managed to create a miniature "drool bomb" by encasing a larger glob of spit in a thin, outer shell of quick-drying saliva.
Lady Elara, bless her heart, simply assumed he was going through a particularly drooly phase.
That evening, as Sergeant Gruff was preparing his nightly "tactical refueling," Ethan decided to put his newfound skills to the test.
He focused on Sergeant Gruff's mustache. A majestic, walrus-like appendage that practically begged to be drooled upon.
He willed a small, highly viscous droplet of drool to form. Then, with a flick of his tongue, he launched it.
The droplet soared through the air, landing squarely in the middle of Sergeant Gruff's mustache.
Sergeant Gruff froze. His eyes widened. He reached up and touched the glistening glob of spit.
"What… what is this?" he sputtered, his voice trembling with a mixture of confusion and disgust.
Ethan, maintaining his innocent, baby-like demeanor, simply gurgled and smiled.
Sergeant Gruff stared at him, then back at his mustache. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. He seemed to be struggling with a profound existential dilemma.
Suddenly, a new message appeared.
SYSTEM: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
SYSTEM: "MUSTACHE MALFUNCTION" - SUCCESSFULLY DISRUPTED SERGEANT GRUFF'S GROOMING ROUTINE THROUGH STRATEGIC APPLICATION OF SALIVA. REWARD: 2 REPUTATION POINTS!
Ethan grinned, or rather, he gurgled with mischievous glee. He was a Saliva Samurai, a Drool- wielding Dynamo, a tiny terror with a surprisingly effective weapon.
And he was just getting started.
End Chapter 4