Chapter 1: Respawn? More Like Despair-spawn
The last thing Ethan remembered was the sickly green glow of his monitor, the empty ramen containers stacked like miniature skyscrapers, and the distinct feeling that his soul had begun to decompose sometime around hour thirty of this coding binge. He'd been wrestling with the physics engine of Space Pirates of the Andromeda Galaxy 7: Galactic Boogaloo, a game he was increasingly convinced was cursed.
Then, nothing.
Not the pearly gates. Not the fiery pits. Just…nothing.
Until there was something.
It started with a vague sense of pressure, like being squeezed through a tube of toothpaste. Then came the light, blinding and white-hot, followed by sounds that could only be described as… wet gurgling?
Ethan gasped, or at least, he tried to. His lungs felt tiny, constricted. Panic flared as he realized he was submerged. He flailed uselessly, limbs uncoordinated and weak. Was this hell? Drowning in lukewarm… something?
Suddenly, hands – surprisingly gentle – scooped him up. He coughed, sputtering a mouthful of viscous fluid that tasted vaguely of… lavender?
His vision cleared, revealing a face hovering above him. A woman's face, framed by an elaborate headdress that looked like a peacock had exploded. She wore a gown of shimmering silk, embroidered with gold thread. Beautiful? Yes. Concerned? Absolutely. Familiar? Not in the slightest.
"He lives!" she exclaimed, her voice surprisingly deep. "Blessed be the Goddess of Pixels! Our little Lord Ethan has graced us with his presence!"
Lord Ethan? Goddess of Pixels? What in the unholy name of microtransactions was going on?
Ethan tried to speak, but only a pathetic squeak emerged. He looked down at himself and nearly fainted. He was tiny. Utterly, undeniably, baby-sized.
"He's trying to speak!" the woman gushed, handing him off to another figure lurking in the shadows. This one was a hulking brute with a handlebar mustache that could rival a walrus. He cradled Ethan with surprising tenderness.
"Hush now, little lord," the walrus-mustached man cooed. "You've had a long journey. Time for milkies."
Milkies?
Ethan's brain short-circuited. He was a grown man! (Well, he had been a grown man.) He'd designed complex AI systems, debugged countless lines of code, and survived countless energy drink-fueled all-nighters. He was not a "little lord" in need of "milkies."
He squeezed his eyes shut, willing this nightmare to end. Maybe it was just the world's most elaborate hallucination brought on by sleep deprivation.
But when he opened his eyes again, the peacock-headdress lady and the walrus-mustached man were still there. And he was still a baby.
Then, a crisp, blue text flickered in his vision, overlaying the bizarre scene like a heads-up display from a forgotten video game.
SYSTEM: BOOTING UP…
Below that, another line appeared:
SYSTEM: WELCOME, ETHAN BLAKE. REINCARNATION PROTOCOL INITIALIZING…
Ethan stared, or rather, he gurgled with wide-eyed infant wonder. A system? Was this some kind of isekai anime cliché? He'd always scoffed at those stories. Now he was living one.
The blue text shimmered again.
SYSTEM: ANALYZING PAST LIFE DATA…
A new list materialized:
SYSTEM: SKILLS ACQUIRED:
- Advanced Game Development
- Expert Bug Squashing
- Master of Procrastination
Ethan frowned, or tried to. Even his facial expressions seemed nerfed. "Master of Procrastination"? The system was mocking him already.
Beneath the skills list, a progress bar slowly began to fill.
SYSTEM: INTEGRATION: [10%] [20%] [30%]…
The numbers ticked upward with agonizing slowness. Ethan wondered if the integration process would at least grant him control over his bladder.
Finally, the integration reached 100%. A fanfare of chiptune music, strangely loud, echoed in his mind.
SYSTEM: INTEGRATION COMPLETE!
SYSTEM: REPUTATION POINT CONVERSION MODULE: ONLINE
SYSTEM: SHOP ACCESS: LIMITED. REQUIRES REPUTATION POINTS.
A final line flashed urgently:
SYSTEM: TUTORIAL MODE: RECOMMENDED (Y/N)?
The "Y" and "N" blinked insistently. Ethan desperately wished he could reach out and tap the "Y." He could really use some hand-holding right now.
Then another message appeared:
SYSTEM: REPUTATION POINTS DETECTED: ZERO. INITIATING EMERGENCY MEASURES.
SYSTEM: AWARDING "BABY CHARM" BONUS: +1 CHARM, -5 LOGIC
Ethan felt a strange tingling sensation, followed by an overwhelming urge to giggle. He clamped his metaphorical jaw shut. "Baby Charm"? Was that even a thing? And why did it come at the expense of his logic?
SYSTEM: CURRENT STATUS: UTTERLY ADORABLE (BUT STILL USELESS).
Ethan wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted a double shot of espresso and a working debugger. Instead, he was a baby, with a system that seemed determined to humiliate him, in a world that made absolutely no sense.
And he had a feeling, a sinking feeling in his tiny, diaper-clad bottom, that this was just the beginning.
He burped. Loudly.
The peacock-headdress lady beamed. "He has such strong lungs! He'll make a fine Gamemaster one day!"
Ethan groaned internally. Gamemaster? What was that? And how was he going to get out of this mess? The flashing "Y/N" for the tutorial mode was still mocking him in the corner of his vision.
End Chapter 1