The demon lord's slash barely missed me. Barely. I could feel the air ripple past my cheek as I yelped, not a dignified grunt or a manly roar, no, it came out like a squeaky balloon losing air.
"Eeeep!"
Oh no. Oh no. Did I just squeak like a terrified schoolgirl in front of the boss?
I stumbled backward, heels clumsy, almost tripping over my own sword as I tried to lift it in some heroic stance. Instead of a firm warrior's grip, I was clutching it the way I'd hold a broom when a cockroach flew at me. My wrists bent, elbows locked, blade wobbling like I was trying to poke soup with a stick.
The demon lord tilted his horned head. Confusion. Pure, unfiltered confusion. Even he knew this wasn't the epic duel he'd been coded for.
"Fight me, mortal!" His voice thundered. "Show me your strength!"
"I'm trying!" I shrieked back, though it came out like I'd just spotted a spider crawling into my bedsheets.
Another slash. I hopped sideways, no, skipped. Full-on dainty hop, knees together, arms flailing like I was trying not to step on a puddle in white heels. I swear, if someone recorded this, it would look less like Battle of the Century and more like a TikTok dance challenge gone wrong.
The surrounding NPC soldiers shouted in awe, "Sir Leon fights valiantly!"
Valiantly? Valiantly?! No, this wasn't valor. This was me squealing and ducking every time sparks flew, eyes squeezed shut like I was in a haunted house ride.
My male avatar, Leon, was supposed to be this tall, broad-shouldered beast of a knight. Square jaw. Ripped abs. Giant glowing sword.
The type of guy who flexes once and mountains collapse. Instead, here I was inside his body… screaming and hopping like a kindergarten ballerina forced into medieval cosplay.
Another attack. The demon lord's tail whipped toward me. I yelped again.."Kyaaa!"...before crouching so fast I basically curtsied.
The demon lord froze. His glowing eyes narrowed, as if even he couldn't tell if I was mocking him.
One of the NPC soldiers yelled, "Look at Sir Leon's agility! Like a gazelle!"
Gazelle? Excuse me, that wasn't gazelle. That was straight-up panicked squirrel.
I tried to counterattack, raising my sword over my head with a trembling grunt.
The blade was heavy, sure, but not that heavy, except I was lifting it with all the grace of someone holding a selfie stick.
My wrists twisted, the sword clattered against my shoulder, and I accidentally bonked myself in the side of the helmet.
"Ow!"
The NPC healer gasped. "Sir Leon sacrifices his own body to channel greater strength!"
"No, I'm just clumsy!" I cried, but they all nodded as if I'd revealed some ancient knightly technique.
The demon lord swung again. I squealed, spun around too fast, and nearly smacked my own backside with the hilt of the sword.
My cape tangled around my legs. I hopped. I untangled. I hopped again.
This is not how warriors fight, my brain screamed. This is how toddlers play tag.
The demon lord snarled, "Are you mocking me, human?!"
"No! This is just how I....yaaah!" Another tail swipe. I leapt, high-pitched squeal included, before tumbling into a roll that looked less like a combat maneuver and more like a desperate yoga pose gone rogue.
Dust puffed up around me. I coughed. I scrambled to my knees. And of course, instead of a commanding roar to re-enter battle, I muttered, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," like someone who just saw their grades online.
The NPC mages cheered again. "Sir Leon mutters ancient incantations!"
At this point, I wasn't sure if the real fight was against the demon lord or against my own dignity.
Finally, I tried a slash. Just one. Big, bold, anime-worthy swing. Except my hips swayed. Swung. Like I was sashaying down a runway, not slashing at an evil overlord. My blade connected, barely, and sparked against his armor.
The demon lord paused. Stared at me. And then… he laughed. Full belly laugh, horns shaking, claws clutching his stomach.
"This is… this is ridiculous!" he roared. "Are you a knight or a maiden playing dress-up?!"
Heat rushed to my face. Damn it. Even the boss monster knew.
"I am a knight!" I snapped back, voice cracking like a teenager's.
"Then fight like one!"
I swung again, hips swaying, squealing with every dodge, sword clattering every time it hit something. Basically, it looked like the world's worst fencing practice combined with a Zumba class.
And the NPC crowd? They were losing their minds. "Sir Leon dances with the elegance of the gods!" one shouted. "Even the demon lord trembles before his unique style!"
Unique style. Right. If unique meant embarrassing for all mankind.
At last, the demon lord growled in frustration. "Enough of this mockery! I will crush you!" He raised his massive blade, shadows swirling. The ground cracked beneath him. This was it, the big move. The scripted cinematic death strike.
I screamed, loud, sharp, way too high-pitched. My body reacted before my brain: I hurled my sword, both hands, like a desperate softball pitch.
It spun. Once. Twice. A clumsy arc through the air. And somehow, don't ask me how, the blade slammed right into the demon lord's face.
Silence.
The demon lord staggered back, cross-eyed from the steel wedged into his forehead. He swayed. He toppled. BOOM. Dust and shockwaves everywhere.
The NPCs erupted. Cheers. Victory shouts. Praise as if I'd just executed the greatest finishing move in history.
"He did it!"
"Sir Leon defeats the demon lord with one flawless strike!"
"Truly, a hero unlike any other!"
Meanwhile, me? I was on my knees, gasping, shaking, clutching at my chest like I'd just survived the world's worst rollercoaster ride.
"That… was… not… flawless," I wheezed.
The healer knelt beside me, eyes sparkling. "But it was glorious, Sir Leon! Such grace, such… unusual brilliance."
I buried my face in my hands. "Kill me now."