I reached the dorm just lost in my own thoughts and fighting a battle with my feelings. I get inside the room, but Wang Ruoxi isn't there, maybe she went outside with her friends. I drop my bag and phone on the bed and sit on the chair of my study table, thinking about whatever I said to him today. I really don't— I really don't want to say all those things to him, never ever, but what should I do? I need to, I really need to do this. If I hadn't done this today, then our friendship would become strong day by day, and for him it will always remain a friendship from his side.
But how could I remain just a friend of him when I love him so much? How could I hide my feelings that much? I am also a human being. I also get hurt. I also have feelings. I also feel the pain—the unbearable pain of my life that is never gonna heal. Tears start rolling out of my eyes uncontrollably.
Then I continue my self-talk: I really hope to God that in another life, don't make him my ideal and don't make me his fangirl. Just make us two normal people who live with each other closely, because in this life we have huge differences and distances between us. We can't make it in this life, we can't.
But I wipe my tears with both my hands and say, "But I'll… I'll try hard to make it possible in another life. I'll really do."
Then I remembered what he asked me today. The flashes came in front of my eyes again—the moment he asked me are you a stalker and how do you know everything about me. Of course I replied it now to myself while sobbing in between my cries:
Of course Wǒ shénme dōu zhīdào guānyú nǐ, I know everything about you. How can I not? I love you since all those years. The moment I saw you in that drama… It's right to say that I even forgot about myself but can't forget anything related to you. Forgetting you means forgetting Shiza. Zhao Shiza never forgets her Xu Yuan or anything related to him.
I remember when I watched you first time in Love Memories Feelings Within drama as Zhou Yinian. In that drama only, when I saw you for the first time at your entry scene when you lifted up your eyes from the computer, I had fallen for you. But when I watched your second drama Deeply Loving You as Shen Jiaran, I completely got fallen for you.
Then in It Just Had To Be You as Xiao Wenze, you made me laugh, cry, everything at the same time. And then in Embrace in the Mist as volunteer Li Qingyan, I lost myself. And I couldn't even complete that drama—it's my 4th drama of you that I haven't been able to complete, because whenever the love scenes between you and the female lead occur, I feel upset and can't see it… at least not from my eyes. That you love someone else.
And I know you chopped your hair for that role, and I know how much you love your hair. But truly I say, you stole my Mr. Heart as volunteer Li Qingyan. The way you portrayed that is just… I can't express it.
And after this, I haven't watched any of your dramas. Many came, but I haven't, because I didn't have the guts to watch. And I say it again: whenever I'll be able to gather that much strength in me, I'll definitely sit one night and watch all those dramas of yours that I haven't. Just give me some time. I am trying, I am doing, I am working on myself more and more. Surely sooner or later I'll reach a stable state where I don't feel anything for you.
But for now, we only have a professional relationship with each other. After completing this drama project, my normal life will get back to me, and I'll focus more on my studies and job, and everything will end smoothly. But till then, I need to control my emotions and feelings for you and complete this period of shooting together as fast as I can.
But God, I don't ask anything… but he is going to have his collarbone surgery soon. Please, let this surgery be successful and let him recover fast. And also, one more thing, he has flu—please take away that flu from him and throw it away from him.
He has a beautiful girlfriend, and that girl truly deserves him. I can't force love on someone, I can't. And I don't want anyone to look at my love with pity in their eyes. My love is strong—strong enough to stand alone whole life. It's one-sided traffic, and everything I do is one way only. Now there is no pressure or burden on anyone. It's just my responsibility to carry it with me this whole life.
I know I am hurting myself, but I am healing also, and learning to stand again. I do this love, so I'll carry all the pain and consequences of it. I won't blame anyone for that. I'll only blame myself… myself, I repeated again.
And then I closed my eyes and placed my hand on my Mr. Heart and said, loving you is not in my hands. I just loved you and fallen for you deeply. I know paths are already decided and it's never gonna collide, never ever. But now I only want that he is fine, happy, healthy, and laughing like always with his family and his would-be wife.
I only pray for his happiness and healthiness and more success in future. I hope he'll become the whole face of China. My Xu Yuan, the biggest superstar of China.
He is even going to Malaysia for his fan meet event on 2 December. I hope everything will be fine there, and he gets his surgery done before going there.
Then I laugh a little with my teary eyes and said, yes Xu Yuan, I am such a stalker. I daily check your Weibo account and everything related to you. It's my part-time job without salary.
But today after hurting you, I didn't feel good. I have no right to hurt you. But I needed to say those harsh words to you. I hope you'll understand it.
Bàoqiàn… I am sorry, so sorry.
Then breaking my self-conversation, my phone rings. It's Wang Ruoxi calling me. I pick up the call and say, "Hello, where are you? And when will you come? We'll eat together when you come. I am hungry."
And then she says in a low voice tone, "Zhao Shiza… listen…"