I swear, if there's a god up there, he's got it out for me.
That was the only explanation I had for the walking disaster that was my life.
First, my alarm didn't go off, making me run late for work. Then the bus driver decided that I didn't exist and sped right past me. I got to work late, drenched from the rain, only for my supervisor—aka the devil in discount office shoes—to hover behind my chair all day, breathing down my neck like I owed him rent.
For eight excruciating hours, I repeated the same cursed line into my headset:
"Good afternoon, this is Stellar Telecom. How can I make your day brighter today?"
By the time my shift ended, I was ready to stab the next person who said "My internet's not working" with my ballpoint pen.
When I finally escaped that fluorescent nightmare, it started raining again. My umbrella flipped inside out halfway down the street, my shoe sole tore open, and a car sped past, splashing filthy water all over my pants.
"Perfect," I muttered to the universe. "Just what I needed after a pleasant day. A free shower in sewage."
By the time I dragged myself up the stairs to my apartment, I was soacked, cold, and questioning every life decisions that had led me here. I kicked the door shut behind me and dropped my bag to the ground like it had personally offended me.
My apartment was… well. Let's just say it had it's character. Peeling wallpaper, a buzzing ceiling light that flickered like it was in the middle of a horror movie, and a laundry pile that could qualify for citizenship at this point. The air smelled faintly of instant noodles and bad decisions.
I collapsed face-first on my bed, groaning into my pillow. My phone buzzed beside me, lighting up the cracked screen.
Twelve missed calls. Twenty-three messages.
All from one person.
My boyfriend.
Or, more accurately, my cheating boyfriend.
I stared at the screen for a long second. The ache that used to flare up at moments like this didn't even show up anymore. I'd moved past pain into the hollow stage of emotional burnout.
With a sigh, I unlocked the phone and scrolled through the messages.
"Baby, please, it was just a mistake."
"You know I still love you."
"It didn't mean anything."
"Please, give me one more chance."
I laughed under my breath. "One more chance? You've had three. Are you collecting them like Pokémon cards?"
My voice echoed in the small, empty room. Tired and older than I felt.
I tossed the phone aside and stared at the ceiling for a while. The plaster had a weird crack shaped like a lightning bolt. Somehow fitting.
After a few minutes of aimless wall-staring, I gave up pretending I could sleep and reached for my phone again. Scrolling through social media was not my style. It had too many happy couples and engagement posts. So i opened my favorite reading app instead.
A notification from my favorite author binged immediately.
[New Chapter: "The Righteous Path of the Heavenly Sword" — by DaoPenMaster]
"Oh, so you finally updated," I said, half annoyed, and half excited. "Took you long enough, old man."
Despite everything, I still smiled. DaoPenMaster's novels were my guilty pleasure—overdramatic cultivation sagas with too much face-slapping, too many arrogant young masters, and enough clichés to fill a dictionary. I had read every single one of them, preferring to spend more time with my fictional men than with real people.
I opened the new story and started reading.
[Chapter 1: The Orphan's Awakening]
A poor orphan discovers his spiritual root. He's bullied, mocked, underestimated. Then, through sheer grit, he gets into a powerful sect, finds a mysterious master, and begins his journey to immortality.
It was ridiculous, predictable and comforting all at the same time. The familiarity made my chest feel less heavy somehow.
Hours slipped by without me realizing. The rain outside softened to a steady drizzle. My phone screen glowed faintly in the dark as I scrolled through chapter after chapter.
By the time I reached Chapter Forty, I was fully invested and then, I met the villain.
A young sect disciple with a good face and a bad personality. He was pretty much jealous, arrogant, and a pervert, everything wrong with the world packed into one walking disaster.
That wasn't even the shocker. The bomb dropped when I saw his name.
Lu Shen.
"No way," I muttered. "You've gotta be kidding me."
It was just a coincidence, obviously. But still, it was weird seeing my own name attached to someone that stupid.
This Lu Shen was the classic cannon fodder—constantly picking fights with the protagonist, Yan Yezhen, for no reason. He'd sabotage him, insult him, and then get humiliated every single time.
"God, you're hopeless," I said out loud, snorting. "Do you enjoy being slapped around? Because that's what it looks like."
The villain was the kind of character you wanted to reach into the screen and strangle. I kept muttering commentary as I read:
"Why are you like this?"
"You just watched the hero win and thought, 'yeah, let me die today.'"
"Bro, she's clearly not into you. Take the L and go home."
Then came the infamous scene—the one where the villain tried to corner the female lead.
"Oh, for crying out loud," I groaned, dragging a hand down my face. "You're harassing the hero's girl? Seriously? Yan Yezhen should just—" I stopped, smirking, "—castrate you and call it a moral victory."
The words left my mouth half-jokingly, half in exasperation.
My phone buzzed again. Battery warning: 2%.
"Ugh, fine," I muttered, plugging it in. "Traitor."
I stretched, feeling my back crack. My stomach growled in protest. The clock read 11:52 PM.
"Midnight snack time," I declared solemnly.
The air outside was cool and wet. Puddles reflected the dull glow of the streetlights. The corner convenience store buzzed faintly under a flickering neon sign. I shoved my hands into my hoodie pockets and trudged across the street.
The cashier didn't even look up as I grabbed chips, an energy drink, and instant noodles.
"Rough night?" the guy mumbled.
"You have no idea," I said, dropping my change on the counter.
When I stepped back outside, the city felt unnaturally quiet. The air smelled like rain and metal. The only sound was the distant hum of traffic and the rhythmic ticking of a railroad crossing light nearby.
Until something caught my eyes.
I saw a small figure, barely a child standing too close to the tracks.
For a split second, my brain didn't process what I was seeing.
Instinct kicked in.
"Hey!" I shouted, breaking into a sprint. "Get away from there!"
The child didn't move. The train was moving to fast, horn blaring.
I moved and everything else happened too fast.
The rumble of the tracks. The screech of metal. The flash of white light tearing through the fog.
My lungs burned as I ran. I didn't think. I just grabbed the kid by the shoulders and threw them backward with all my strength.
There was a moment, a single heartbeat where I thought, I did it.
Then came the impact.
The first thing I felt was pain raining like fire. My body twisted. The world spun and went black.
It just faded into silence. Then I felt warm and weightlessness.
For a long moment, I thought maybe this was it. The afterlife. Peaceful, quiet, finally free of the endless noise of life.
Then a voice echoed in the distance.
[Initializing Host Neural Link...]
[Synchronization 27%... 68%... 100%.]
I frowned. "...Hospital equipment?"
The voice returned, smooth and metallic.
[Congratulations, Host. You have died.]
My eyelid twitched. "Excuse me?"
[System reboot complete. Binding successful.]
[Welcome, Host, to the Villain Seduction System 3.0!]
"...The what?"
[Mission Objective: Seduce the Heavenly Hero, Yan Yezhen. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination.]
"What? Hold on. Seduce who?"
[Reminder: Death is permanent.]
"WHAT?!"
Before I could yell further, a blinding light filled my vision. The warmth vanished, replaced by crisp air, the scent of pine, and… chanting?
I blinked.
Ancient wooden buildings stretched before me. Disciples in long robes sparred with swords in the distance. Somewhere, a bell chimed.
I looked down at myself.
Now I was wearing a pale blue silk robe, embroidered with clouds.
"Oh no," I whispered. "Oh no no no. Don't tell me—"
[Current identity: Lu Shen, Inner Disciple of the Azure Spirit Sect.]
My heart stopped. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm the villain?!"
[Affirmative. Please begin mission sequence: Seduce Yan Yezhen.]
My brain short-circuited. "Seduce—?! I literally called him a eunuch candidate an hour ago!"
[Mission accepted automatically. Have fun, Host!]
"FUN?!" I shouted at the sky, fists clenched. "You psychotic AI toaster!"
No response.
Only the faint rustle of leaves and distant chanting of monks who probably had no idea their newest disciple was screaming at thin air.
I stood there, drenched in disbelief, surrounded by misty mountains and ancient pavilions.
My new life had officially begun.
And apparently, so had my death sentence.