The moon hung low in the sky, casting a pale, ghostly light over the dense forest. Naruto stood in the clearing, holding the Scroll of Seals, his breath heavy with anticipation. Mizuki, with that sly grin plastered across his face, began to circle Naruto, his voice dripping with malice.
"Naruto, do you really want to know why the village treats you like dirt? Why you've always been alone?"
Naruto, still clutching the scroll, looked at Mizuki, confused. "What are you talking about, Mizuki-sensei? What do you know?"
Mizuki's grin widened, his eyes gleaming with twisted delight. "It's because you're not just any brat. You're the Nine-Tails, the demon fox that destroyed our village!"
For a split second, the world seemed to stop. Naruto's eyes widened, his heart pounding in his chest. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, Naruto's expression morphed into one of exaggerated disbelief.
"Oh, come on!" Naruto suddenly yelled, throwing his hands up in the air in a dramatic fashion. "Are you freaking kidding me?! I'm the big bad demon fox? That's the best you've got? What's next, Mizuki-sensei? Are you gonna tell me I'm secretly the love child of a ramen bowl and a kunai?!" He began pacing back and forth, his hands gesturing wildly as he continued to rant. "What kind of twisted, lazy-ass plot twist is this? And who the hell wrote this crap?!"
Mizuki faltered, completely thrown off by Naruto's bizarre reaction. "W-What the hell are you talking about?"
Naruto, ignoring Mizuki, turned his head slightly, as if addressing an invisible audience. "Seriously, guys? The Nine-Tails? That's supposed to be a big reveal? Talk about lame writing! Couldn't you come up with something better? Like, I dunno, maybe I'm the reincarnation of some badass mercenary with a healing factor and a taste for chimichangas? Now that would be cool!"
As Naruto unleashed his barrage of verbal blows on Mizuki, deep within the Hokage's office, Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, sat with a heavy sigh, watching the scene unfold through his crystal ball. The old man's eyes widened in disbelief as he witnessed Naruto's antics. The wrinkles on his face seemed to deepen with every word that came out of the boy's mouth.
Hiruzen took a deep drag from his pipe, the tobacco doing little to calm his nerves. "What in the name of the Sage is that boy doing?" he muttered to himself, his voice tinged with equal parts amusement and exasperation. He had been prepared for an emotional confrontationperhaps Naruto breaking down upon learning the truth, or even flying into a rage. But this? This was something else entirely.
Iruka, who had just arrived on the scene, skidded to a halt, staring at Naruto with utter confusion. "Naruto, who the hell are you talking to?!"
Naruto spun around to face Iruka, feigning shock. "Oh, you can't see them, Iruka-sensei? The audience, man! The readers! The folks watching this whole shitshow! They're probably just as pissed off as I am right now!"
Mizuki, regaining some of his composure, sneered. "Stop with the bullshit, Naruto! You're the monster that killed Iruka's parents, that nearly wiped out the whole village! You're the Nine-Tails sealed in human form!"
Naruto stopped in his tracks, a mischievous grin slowly spreading across his face. "Oh, so now I'm supposed to be the big scary monster, huh? Does that mean I get to roar and smash stuff? Or maybe I should start barking at the moon?" He glanced over at Iruka, who was still trying to wrap his head around Naruto's behavior. "Hey, Iruka-sensei, do I get a cool evil laugh too? Something like 'Mwahaha!'? Or is that too cliché?"
Iruka, completely baffled, could only stammer, "N-Naruto, this is serious! Mizuki's trying to..."
Naruto cut him off with a dismissive wave. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Big bad fox demon, everyone hates me, boo-freakin'-hoo. But let me tell you something, Mizuki-sensei," he turned back to Mizuki, his eyes narrowing with a sudden seriousness that caught Mizuki off guard. "You're not the first asshole to underestimate me, and you sure as hell won't be the last."
Without warning, Naruto's expression shifted again to one of mock despair. He threw himself to the ground, clutching his head dramatically. "Oh no, whatever shall I do?! I'm a demon fox! My life is a lie! Woe is me! I should just give up and become a villain, right? That's what you want, isn't it, Mizuki-sensei?!" He then sat up abruptly, pointing a finger at Mizuki with a shit-eating grin. "Well, too bad, asshole! I've got a village to protect and a shit-ton of ramen to eat before I'm done here!"
As Naruto performed his over-the-top despair routine, Hiruzen found himself almost chuckling despite the situation's seriousness. The boy was clearly aware of the truth's gravity, yet he handled it with such an outrageous sense of humor that even Hiruzen couldn't help but be slightly impressed.
"This kid," Hiruzen mused, his voice echoing slightly in the empty office, "he's going to give me a heart attack long before Orochimaru does."
Hiruzen almost choked on his pipe at Naruto's dramatics, coughing slightly as he shook his head. "What kind of reaction is that? This is supposed to be a serious moment!" He was talking to himself now, feeling oddly like Naruto wasn't just breaking the fourth wall, but somehow making the old Hokage part of his insane show.
Mizuki's face twisted with anger. "You little brat, do you think this is all some kind of joke?!"
Naruto stood up, dusting himself off with exaggerated slowness. "Oh, it's not a joke, Mizuki. It's a goddamn comedy and guess who's the fucking star of this show?" With a quick hand sign, a dozen shadow clones suddenly popped into existence, surrounding Mizuki.
Mizuki's eyes widened in shock, but before he could react, Naruto's clones rushed him, each one delivering a blow in perfect comedic timing, as Naruto narrated the scene with sarcastic glee. "And here we have our lovely contestant, Mizuki-sensei, getting his ass handed to him by none other than the Uzumaki Naruto! Let's give it up for him, folks!"
As Mizuki was beaten to the ground, Naruto leaned down, giving him a mockingly sympathetic look. "Aww, don't feel too bad, Mizuki-sensei. At least you'll go down in history as the first guy to ever get his ass kicked by the demon fox kid. That's gotta be worth something, right?"
Mizuki groaned, barely conscious, while Naruto gave a thumbs-up to the imaginary audience. "And that's a wrap, folks! Tune in next time for more bullshit revelations and ninja shenanigans! Believe it!"
Hiruzen shook his head, a tired smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Minato, Kushina, you both would be shaking your heads right now too... but I think you'd be proud, nonetheless. Your son... he's one of a kind."
Hiruzen finally let out a soft chuckle, despite himself. "Well, at least we don't have to worry about him falling into despair. But I do need to have a talk with him about his language... and maybe about not giving his old Hokage a heart attack every time he opens his mouth."