Oh-ho, as expected of the big sister. So she does actually scold her sister for this behavior?
"Hikigaya wouldn't be able to get together enough people, so he wouldn't be able to start a game in the first place. It would be cruel to give him undue hope."
"Your sense of humor is pitch-black! Are you the coffee sisters? You're gonna keep me wide-awake here." What is up with these two?
As I was suffering at the hands of the Yukinoshita family's DNA, Miss Hiratsuka offered her own suggestion. "Hmm. Then maybe fishing would work. You can do it by yourself, and I do it quite a lot. I-if you like, I might even teach you."
"Herm. As do I… But this is bait!"
"Old meme. Okay, next, next." As I casually brushed off Zaimokuza, other suggestions piled up.
Yuigahama was the next to speak. "But, like, hobbies where you need equipment are hard for a high school kid. That stuff costs money." This was a rather budget-wise opinion, but, well, she was right.
Yukinoshita also agreed, nodding. "Then we should make it something that could be considered an extension of his current lifestyle."
My normal lifestyle… Oh, it's kinda…well…, I was thinking, when Totsuka looked up at me.
"What do you do at home, Hachiman?"
"Huh? Well…not anything, really… There's nothing I can really point to…" Yes, nothing I could point to in front of everyone…
I quietly averted my eyes, but as if she had read my mind, Haruno smiled and brought the conversation around to Komachi. "Komachichan? Could you tell us?"
"I—I wanna know, too!" said Yuigahama. "I mean, um, I guess."
"Oh, this sounds intriguing." Miss Hiratsuka also expressed interest.
So Komachi went hmm as she mentally sketched out my typical routine. "Um, well…"
"No, don't, Komachi," I warned, but of course, she wasn't going to listen.
"When my brother gets home, he lies around watching old anime on Chiba TV, and after that, he studies in his room. Or reads books and plays video games."
"Whoa, boring." Yuigahama's impression was really damn honest. "Leave me alone… I have a good time. It's great when Wataru and stuff is on."
"Herm. I do something similar on weekdays."
That's Zaimokuza for you—loath as I was to admit it, he understood.
Actually, he was the only one who did. Everyone else was acting rather aghast.
In an attempt to help, Totsuka said to Komachi, "He's got school and club, so there's nothing you can do about that, right? So then what about weekends?"
"Um, on weekends, after Super Hero Time, he watches Precure…and cries about it…"
"Whoa, at that age…" Yuigahama, like the rest of them, was horrified.
Objection. I mean, like, you guys aren't watching it? What the hell is with that? These days, even preschool kids are watching it, you know? Don't get left behind, okay? Don't you love the smiles and glitter?
"He also goes to the library and bookstores and stuff, but he's always doing the same things, you know?"
"As long as he's having fun, I can't be upset," Yukinoshita said with pity.
"Shuddup. I don't wanna hear it from you. I mean, you're not much different, are you? You don't have friends, and you like reading," I shot back.
Yukinoshita swept her hair back off her shoulders with a derisive snort. "Don't compare us. I…," Yukinoshita began, but Haruno cut in.
"Heh-heh-heh, when Yukino-chan lived at home…"
That made Yukinoshita freeze. "Haruno, don't. Just don't."
But something like that was not going to stop her. This was just like what had happened with me. Haruno smiled gleefully and continued. "Come on, it's not like this will cost you anything. On weekends, Yukino-chan would pour tea and read in the living room, or watch movies. Occasionally, she would play piano."
"Ohhh, that's very Yukinon," Yuigahama said.
Totsuka nodded as well. "I don't think it's anything to be superembarrassed about. It's elegant and cool." It fit Yukinoshita's image perfectly.
"Yeah, it comes off like something a fine young lady from a rich family would do. I think it fits you," I said.
"I-is that so…? T-to me, it's normal, so it's hard to see it that way…" With everyone singing her praises, Yukinoshita twisted around uncomfortably. Her voice was calm, but she was blushing a little.
"That's so wonderful!" Komachi said, and Haruno joined in, too.
"Right? But Yukino-chan is even more wonderful when she's in her room."
"Hold on right there. How do you know that? Stop, Haruno. Please stop." Yukinoshita started getting more serious about putting a halt to this until she was all but begging. But I think her pleas just made Haruno want to keep going.
The ultimate grin on her face, Haruno continued gleefully. "When she's in her room, she'll cuddle a Ginnie the Grue pillow and search for cat videos online, and she'll watch them like it's the most serious thing."
"…Agh." Yukinoshita breathed a deep, utterly woeful sigh of mixed shame and grief.
"Uh, um, er, well, I guess…" Yuigahama tried to be considerate and smooth things over somehow.
Yukinoshita slowly lifted her head. Her eyes flashed open.
"…Yes…well…even if I did, hypothetically…hypothetically…so what?" Seeing her straighten up and swell with pride was strangely aweinspiring.
"Whoa…she fought back… That's some ironclad emotional resilience," I murmured.
"Ohhh. But if we're talking about cats, then my brother also plays with our cat a lot at home. So maybe cats are kinda like a hobby for him, like Yukino."
"What kind of hobby is that? The number-one recommendation of top breeders?"
Yukinoshita reacted to a certain word Komachi had said. "Cats…"
"H-Hikki! Dogs! Dogs are good, too!"
"Cats…"
"Dogs!"
Yukinoshita and Yuigahama glared at each other for a second. The two of them engaged in a silent battle of stares. And then, for some reason, their eyes turned to me.
"Cats, right, Hikigaya?!"
"Dogs, right, Hikki?!"
"Uh, um, don't ask me… Also, Yukinoshita, you get way too intense about cat-related contests."
Neither of them listened to me, instead repeating their own positions. "Dogs!"
"…Cats."
Watching them, Komachi and Haruno couldn't hide their excitement and rose to their feet.
"Flaaame waaaar!"
"Beat her down, Yukino-chan!"
"And so the time has come for: My Classmates and Acquaintances Fight Too Much! commentated by Komachi Hikigaya. Cat lovers versus dog lovers clash in this dog fight— W-wait, is it a cat fight? Well, whatever! Cat and dog fight, ready, go!" And then out of nowhere, a gong clanged.
"Ah! Hikki, you like Chiiba-kun, and he's a dog! See, Hikki's a dog person!"
"Hmm… I see." It's true—Chiiba-kun is a dog… He is a dog, right? If he is, I may not be able to deny that I am a dog person.
The commentators were excited to see my heart swayed a little.
"Ohhh, and a preemptive attack from Yui lands a critical hiiiit! Miss Hiratsuka, what's your analysis of that attack?"
"Hmm, a cunning strategy to manipulate his love of Chiba."
But Yukinoshita was not about to take this lying down. "Not bad, Yuigahama. But in order to walk a dog, one must go outside. So a shut-in like Hikigaya would be a cat lover, right?"
"Ngh, it's true; I don't leave the house very much, so I can't argue…"
"And Yukino isn't letting up, either! Her brilliant counter connects! What do you think of that, Haruno of the Yukino faction?"
"It's very like her to lead her opponent into taking damage. As expected of my little sister."
"All right! Neither side is relenting, and no one knows where this battle will go!"
The commentator and analyzers here are really just bullshitting… And why is my sister so into this? "Komachi, whose side are you on?"
"That's a foolish question, Bro. Komachi is on your side." Komachi gave a cute tee-hee.
She's cute, but man, she kinda pisses me off…, I thought, shooting her a little glare, when I felt a couple of tiny tugs on my sleeve.
"Hachiman, Hachiman."
Hearing my name, I turned around to see Totsuka. "Hmm? What is it, Totsuka?" I leaned close to him, and he practically whispered in my ear, "Rabbits."
"Huh?" He was so cute, I hadn't quite heard him.
But Komachi's commentating helped me understand what he meant.
"Whoops! And here, a third contestant, the rabbit faction, bursts in!"
"Rabbits, Hachiman, rabbits. They're cute, too, you know?"
I wanted to say You're way cuter, but it was not to be. Someone else appeared to prevent me.
"Th-that's right, Hachiman! 'Tis always the role of a rabbit to invite you to a new world!"
Zaimokuza wasn't entirely wrong.
"…Yeah, that's true. All that cuteness just now nearly opened up a new world for me…"
"Indeed! Welcome to the Underground…"
"Stop it, Zaimokuza. Don't whisper in my ear." I could still feel his incredibly cool delivery in my ear, and it was a little gross.
While I was busy shooing Zaimokuza away, Totsuka was passionately lecturing on the appeal of rabbits. "You know, Hachiman, having a pet bunny is lots of fun. They're so fluffy, they're quiet, and their snoots are so wiggly when they eat!"
"Bunnies are great, Hachiman! In the name of the moon, they'll punish you! And there'll be more fan service, too!"
"It's strange, Zaimokuza. When you say it, I like rabbits less." Does he actually even like rabbits?
But now, unexpectedly, there were two people on the rabbit side. This new development made Komachi the commentator belt out even louder, "It looks like there's been a tag in! And now this is almost like a battle royale!"
And then even the commentators got dragged into this factional dispute. "If this is going to be a tag-team fight…then I'm with the cats, I suppose," said Miss Hiratsuka. "I've been thinking about getting one soon."
"Shizuka-chan, that's basically dooming yourself to lifelong singledom, you know?"
"Quickly! Someone hurry up and marry this woman!" Or else I'll have to! Get a move on!
Now that Miss Hiratsuka had declared she was a cat person, Haruno considered the question. "Hmm. So you're a cat person, Shizukachan? If I'm forced to choose, then dogs, I suppose. They're loyal and always obedient."
"Your reasoning is scaring me," I muttered. How can she say stuff like that with such a brilliant smile?
The fruitless conflict went on.
"Dogs!" Yuigahama cried.
"Cats…," Yukinoshita declared.
"Rabbits," Totsuka said cutely.
"A three-way bloodbath! In the end, who will wear the shining crown of victory?!" Komachi riled them up, and all three of them looked at me.
"Hikigaya." It was an order. I didn't have a choice.
"Hikki." Her tone sounded expectant.
"Hachiman…" His look inspired my protective instincts.
"Ngh! The ultimate three-way choice between cool, passion, and cute…"
"Come on, what's your answer, Bro?!" Komachi pushed me to respond. If I didn't answer now, this situation would inevitably turn disastrous. I could tell half-baked excuses would not be accepted.
So I have no choice but to steel myself, huh…?
"…I'm…going…w-with Totsuka…"
"Why name a person?!" Yuigahama demanded.
"Answer with the name of the animal," added Yukinoshita.
The two of them got mad at me, so I corrected myself. "Uurk…rabbits."
"Yay! Hachiman, let's go see rabbits sometime!" And then the gong rang, signaling curtain close.
"Aaand match over!" Komachi declared. "And the winner is Totsuka! Um, does this mean your hobby is Totsuka, Bro?"
"Aye, 'tis a good hobby!" Zaimokuza declared enthusiastically, for reasons unknown.
The battle over, once things were finally calmed down again, Haruno brought the conversation back to the beginning. "A good hobby… When you think about it, that's kind of a hard one, huh? Hmm, I know a lot of people who are into cars and motorcycles…" "But I don't have a license," I said.
"Yeah… There's also photography or music." Haruno offered a few more hobbies.
Yuigahama jumped on one of those. "Music! That's kinda cool!"
"Listening to music is a hobby, too, but what you're talking about, Yuigahama, is playing an instrument, right? I suppose the most familiar, classic instruments would be piano and guitar," said Yukinoshita.
Komachi also recommended playing an instrument. "You should do one, too, Bro! Music is great!"
"Uh, no, I'm not gonna do that…and hey, can you even do anything like that?"
"I can! Komachi can sing and dance, and even sing and fight!"
"Huh? What the heck? That's novel…"
Seriously, when did my little sister turn out this way…?
"It'd be cool if you played guitar or something!" Komachi was aggressive about this suggestion. It seemed this was her top choice.
But I did have an actual reason as to why I wouldn't do it. "Naw. Now that I'm in my second year of high school, starting guitar this late would just be uncool."
"I dunno…" Totsuka tilted his head doubtfully.
"No, it is, if you really think about it. Look, it comes off like you're doing it because you want attention from girls."
"I don't think so, though…," Yuigahama countered.
I decided to unleash my pet theory to overcome her argument. "It will! According to my personal research, eight times out of ten, the reason a middle school boy starts playing guitar is because he wants to get girls."
"N-now that I think about it, we have a guitar at our house for some reason…," Komachi suddenly realized.
Yes, she would also have seen it. "Exactly. It's the manifestation of budding youth that I inherited from our father: the Hikigaya family guitar."
"But I feel like I've never seen anyone play it…" Komachi trembled.
"Of course you haven't. When a guy starts guitar because of girls, he'll only consider playing in front of other people once he's good enough."
"An exemplar of someone who never improves," Yukinoshita said, chagrined.
"Exactly. Those guys generally get discouraged when they can't nail an F chord. Source: me."
"Lame…" Yuigahama mumbled something or other.
But when something's impossible, it's just impossible. "I mean, holding down an F chord just can't be done. It's Fleming's left-hand rule on the frets. Don't you underestimate humanities types."
Totally wrecked her argument. There was no longer a single reason standing as to why I should play guitar.
I basked in the glow of victory for a few moments, but Yuigahama just moaned. "Uuurgh… At this rate, we'll never find a hobby for you, Hikki…"
"Hikigaya, you never fail to amaze," said Yukinoshita. "No one is better than you at shooting down every idea from the get-go." "Huh? Th-this is my fault…? My personality is the reason I can't find a hobby?" I-I'm starting to feel like a real waste of a human being…
When I started getting down on myself, Miss Hiratsuka said to me in a kindly chiding tone, "You don't need to worry so deeply over it, Hikigaya. Hobbies aren't something you force yourself to discover. Besides, starting something because other people want you to and joining in on fads are what you hate most, right?"
"Well, that's true…"
"If you're looking for something you want to do, you should just look around. There should be plenty of interesting things in your life now."
I found myself actually touched. Will I find something like that one day? If I reexamine myself, will I find I already had what I was looking for all along? "Miss Hiratsuka…"
But Haruno cut in to our sentimental moment for some teasing. "Yeah, yeah, the world is brimming with excitement. For example…Shizuka-chan playing the bass. Hint, hint."
"Haruno, don't tease me. I just made a really great speech."
"But that concert was great, huh? You were so cool," Totsuka gushed.
But Komachi looked down in disappointment. "Awww, I went home, so I never got to see it."
"What, you didn't see it?" I said. "Well, I only caught the end."
"Hachiman! Me too! I didn't see it, either!"
"Yeah, yeah. Why are you trying to make yourself look cute here?" I casually ignored Zaimokuza.
"Komachi wants to hear it, too…," my sister squeaked, sounding tormented. "I wanna hear Yui and Yukino singing!"
"Yeah, yeah!" Haruno agreed. "I'd love to see that side of Yukinochan!"
"Absolutely not," Yukinoshita refused.
Yuigahama didn't seem into it, either, expressing a negative opinion. "I had fun, but it really was embarrassing."
"Besides, I doubt there'll be any more opportunities for us to perform," Miss Hiratsuka agreed.
Haruno gave us all a mischievous grin. "Oh, if that's the issue, we're good."
"Huh?" Yuigahama and Miss Hiratsuka both said at once.
Our footsteps echoed through the silent venue.
Yuigahama, walking in front of me, looked around. "Looks like the after-party's over. Everyone's gone home."
"Yeah, it's all cleaned up. Is this where they had it?" I asked. Yuigahama spun around to face me. "Yep, yep," she replied.
"Oh, but the stage is still set up." Just as Totsuka said, the instruments were arranged onstage.
"That was because I went and asked them to leave them for us." Haruno, coming in after us, strolled toward the platform.
Yukinoshita, following after her, asked, "Haruno, what's this about?"
"Hmm? Oh, we used to hang out here a lot. I just called upon my connections." Haruno got up onstage and twanged some instruments for a quick test. "Yeah, there's no problem with the settings on these. See? This is for you guys." She came down and returned to Yukinoshita.
"If you've gone to all this trouble, then I guess we have to… I'll do it!" Miss Hiratsuka headed for the stage with a new fire burning in her.
Yukinoshita gazed at it from a distance and softly whined, "Why me, too…?"
Haruno smirked. "My, my. You're so nervous now that Hikigaya is watching that you can't do it?"
"What are you talking about? I can hardly think of another boy who looks so unperturbed. No one could feel nervous, looking at that."
"Oh? Well, it's true; he does calm your nerves."
"I feel like you mean something else by that phrasing…"
"Now, now, let's just get ready, Yukino-chan."
"You don't have to pull me; I'll go. Agh…"
Haruno dragged her younger sister up onto the stage, and little by little, they got things ready.
Watching, Totsuka couldn't seem to hide his anticipation. "Wow, I'm kind of excited. There's nothing like that feeling before a live show starts."
"Right?! It's funny how you get more and more pumped even when nothing is happening," Komachi replied, looking equally giddy.
Meanwhile, someone else was getting himself stimulated in a rather different way: Zaimokuza. "Oh-ho! They are indeed remarkable! I love, love live shows, too! Love live! Hey! Someone bring me a set of glow sticks and a glow stick bandolier!"
"That's getting a little too prepared…" I sighed.
"I-is there a regulation length for modified electric glow sticks?!"
"I dunno… Ask the management." I can't deal with this guy… I separated from the three of them and walked to the rear of the venue.
Zaimokuza's called after me. "Oh-ho! Hachiman? What's wrong? Where are you going?"
"I always watch from the very back. Like at a movie theater or whatever." I continued all the way to the back wall and leaned against it.
All I could hear was tuning strings and test bangs on drums in the distance. The venue was quiet—and then came the slow approach of footsteps.
When I noticed, I looked over to see Yuigahama.
"Hikki."
"Yuigahama? What's up? You don't have to set up?"
"Oh, no. Since I don't play an instrument. U-um, Hikki, you said you weren't really watching our show during the cultural festival, right…?"
"Hmm? Yeah," I replied.
Yuigahama paused for a couple of slow breaths, then slowly put the words together. "Oh… This time, really watch, okay?"
"Well, I can't really pretend I'm not at this point… But I am." I couldn't pretend forever that I wasn't watching. And anyway, I had the feeling that, soon, I would be able to face her properly.
It wasn't like I'd go to the trouble of saying it out aloud now. That was the most I could say at the moment.
"Yeah. A-and, you know…I'm paying attention to you, too!" Though slow and faltering, she nevertheless managed to express herself honestly, and this was probably the best she could do right now.
Then she escaped to the stage at a run.
"…Ah, hey…you don't have to say that and bolt," I muttered, even though I didn't have the words to give her a decent reply.
The mikes onstage just barely picked up their voices, so I could hear them.
"Sorry to make you wait! Oh, Yukinon, I still only kinda remember the lyrics. For all intensive purposes."
"It's intents and purposes."
Watching their characteristic banter, Haruno smiled. "It's okay, Gahama-chan. Yukino-chan will be singing, too."
"If that's what you think, you're sorely mistaken. Letting someone constantly lean on you won't help them, in the end." Yukinoshita's posture was grumpy, but I knew she'd help Yuigahama out again, in her own way.
I think Miss Hiratsuka could see right through her, too. She was grinning. "Come on, now. Just sing together, you two. Belt it out there loud enough to reach the very back of the hall," she said, then looked to the back wall. The two girls followed her gaze to me, too.
"Agh…"
"…Will do!" they replied—Yukinoshita reluctantly and Yuigahama cheerfully.
"Oh, it looks like they're done setting up," said Totsuka.
"Yaaay! I've been waiting for this!" said Komachi. The two of them cheered up a storm, and in the edge of my vision, I saw Zaimokuza with a glow stick, flailing about wildly with his upper body.
I leaned against the wall and looked at the stage.
I did say I'd watch after all.
And then the curtain rose onstage.
And so another festival had concluded, and what was done was done.
Whether it be fireworks or a rocket, once you fire something up, it generally doesn't come back. But just as fireworks become memories and rockets become stars, something is left behind. So for some reason or another, I pulled out that guitar and started fiddling with it. It wasn't like anything specific had changed in me. I just sorta happened to do it.
But as I plucked away on the guitar, the door to my room was suddenly thrown open.
"Bro, quit twanging on that thing! Shut up!" Komachi cried, and then immediately, she closed the door again.
And I was left there frozen, holding the guitar and looking kind of dumb.
"You're the one who said I should have a hobby… Agh, I give up…"
Afterword
Hello, this is Wataru Watari.
It's almost spring, isn't it? And spring is the season of meetings and partings. I would like to part with work hell already.
Good-bye, life of an hour and a half of sleep a night! Hello, cardiac arrhythmia and physical reexamination! There has been some stress, too, but I'm doing all right. I'm okay with staying up all night tonight again, too!
And so, this has been Volume 7 of My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As I Expected.
The moment you think the story has nothing to do with them, it is, in fact, their story, and in truth, when you probe deeper, it was their story all along. I don't understand what I'm saying here.
And so as such, starting from here, the story moves in fits and starts.
And now, the acknowledgments:
Holy Ponkan : I've got to think of a title greater than Holy soon! How about Supreme Kai? Your work in both the regular edition and the special edition was absolutely amazing. Thank you very much.
To Sou Sagara: Thank you for miraculously writing comments on the book band for me during that busy period when the anime was being broadcast at the same time. And while I'm thanking you, I'll make sure to advertise the anime: Starting in April, the anime My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As I Expected will be on TV! Please see it!
To all the staff involved with the production of the drama CD: I'm very sorry for forcing such a terrible schedule on you. All your efforts have made this drama CD really fun. Honestly, thank you so much.
To all the cast: The way you've breathed life into the characters has made them feel even closer to my heart. During each dubbing session, I was so filled with emotion! Thank you very much.
To all the writers: You guys never invite me drinking. But that's because I shouldn't just be waiting for an invitation, right? Thank you very much for all the consideration you've shown me.
To everyone involved with the media franchise: I feel deeply obliged for all the trouble I continue to cause for you. I'm really looking forward to being able to see new adaptations into various media forms. Thank you very much. I'm grateful for your continued support.
And finally, to all my readers: We've finally reached the latter half of the battle. I'm incredibly thankful: It's because of all of you that I've been able to continue writing this. Thank you so very much. I hope you will continue to stick with me.
Now then, on that note, I will set my pen down here.
On a certain day in February, in a certain place in Chiba, under warm sunlight, while sipping hooot MAX Coffee