The wind blowing from the ocean froze my cheeks. When the heat overflowing from within me met the cold air, my skin tingled.
Every smack of my shoes on the asphalt sent an impact running to my core.
Was that roaring sound the wind or the sound of my own body creaking? I couldn't quite tell. The sounds gradually blended together, turning to heat expelled from my mouth.
I heaved out a ragged breath and inhaled the sharp smell of the ocean salt.
Were the trees growing on the way by the ocean to prevent soil erosion? There had been a lot of pines at the starting line, but we were beyond that now. The barren trees around us stood out like white bones.
I moved my legs without pondering the trivial details in my head. It was like my heart focused on circulating my blood. My heartbeat and pace competed to see which was faster.
As I ran, thoughts sporadically rose in my mind and faded away, bubbling up only to vanish again.
It was a good thing I commuted to school by bicycle. If not for that, I would hardly have been able to run at all. I wasn't in a sports club, after all. It's not like I dislike endurance running itself. In fact, it's the type of sport I'm better at, compared with things like ball sports. I think that's because it's something you can do entirely by yourself. You don't cause trouble for anyone else, and there's a clear goal established. All you have to do is zone out and let your mind chew on pointless thoughts while you mechanically move your legs.
But the marathon that day was a little different.
It was far more painful than usual.
I was going faster than when we did it in class. The chill was especially severe, and the wind made it even worse, too. And with so many thoughts in my head the night before, I was a little short on sleep.
There were all sorts of reasons.
But the biggest reason was that Hayato Hayama was right there in front of me.
Of course, he was accustomed to this from his club workouts, so he showed no signs of exhaustion as he continued to run smoothly. His upper body moved efficiently, and his lower body was stable—his form was polished. I could believe he'd won last year.
As for me, on the other hand, I could feel the increased blood flow to my head, and it was the most I could do to keep up with Hayama. I wasn't even trying to pace myself.
But that would end soon.
Thus far, there had been no changes in the progress of the race. Hayama and I were still in the lead, while second place was taken up by a group clustered around Totsuka and the tennis club. They were doing a good job gathering people together into the second-place cluster and controlling the speed of those behind them. Or maybe, all the runners planned to make their dash at us in the latter half of the race. I'm sure there were more even farther behind them, but unfortunately, they were too far back to see from a glance over my shoulder.
Hayama continued to maintain a steady pace. Our initial sabotage seemed to have worked, as there was a pretty big distance between us and the rest. It didn't seem the others would catch up so easily.
The problem was me.
We were only about halfway through the length of the race, but I was giving out. I'd had a stitch in my side for a while now, the soles of my feet stung, and my ears were numb. Frankly, it was bad enough I wanted to go home right now. If this had been right after lunch, I absolutely would have puked. I'd managed to run this far by making use of every trick in the book, but I had to make my move soon, or I wouldn't be able to follow him anymore.
Running and staring at Hayama's back the whole time, I suddenly felt something different below. A cold wind was coming up the legs of my shorts. Right then, we were approaching the bridge that was the turnaround point. Teachers would be lying in wait on the bridge to hand us ribbons to show we'd made it.
I just about sighed in relief that finally half of this was over, but I forced that down my throat and diverted the oxygen to my lungs instead.
I couldn't lose focus yet.
I sped up a bit to catch up those few steps to Hayama ahead of me. My feet hit the ground even harder.
I really did have to speed up, or I wouldn't be able to catch him. Alas, there was a clear difference between the power of his legs and mine.
Running normally, I could never run alone alongside him.
This was why I had gotten help from Totsuka and Zaimokuza, then completely ignored pacing myself. I'd invested everything I had to get this far.
All of that had been for now, for this moment.
Heaving out breath after ragged breath, I somehow caught up to Hayama.
When I came up beside him, Hayama, who hadn't turned around even once, looked at me for the first time. His eyes widened, and he seemed a little surprised. "I'm impressed you're keeping up with me…," he said without panting.
By contrast, I gasped out, "Well…you know. If I don't…worry about pacing…it's not impossible."
Hayama tilted his head with a glance at me. By his expression, it seemed he wanted to say, Why would you do that?
I couldn't help but laugh. My throat was parched, so it just made me choke. I waited for the coughing to subside, then slowly opened my mouth. "Nobody's expecting me to hit the finish line anyway. I don't care if I pull out halfway."
In fact, never mind ranking, I wasn't even thinking about completing the race. If I could just avoid getting in anyone's way and run by Hayato Hayama around the switchback, then I didn't care. I'd devoted everything to making it this far… But despite my efforts, it was the most I could do to stick behind Hayama when he had to be pacing himself normally. That fact was inducing some grade-A despair. It just about broke my spirit, but we were already past the switchback point at least.
How do people feel when they meet the switchback point of painful asceticism?
Do they despair that there's still half left to go, or are they relieved to have already come halfway? With most people, it'll be one of those. And either of those feelings will create a weakness in their hearts. They'll become aware of just how tired they are. Source: me. Frankly, if I could've taken a break, like, Finally, half over! then the exhaustion would've hit me all at once. If I looked down and thought, There's still half, then my legs would start feeling heavier.
That weakness, that tiredness, was my opportunity. When people are pressed, they'll let their real feelings slip. Just like with my sister Komachi, Hayama will want to cough up what lurked at the bottom of his heart.
That was why I'd recklessly pushed myself this far.
I'm sure in a normal situation, he could turn aside whatever questions I had with his usual mild smile. So I had to get him with his guard down when he couldn't avoid me.
But although Hayama was surprised by me coming up beside him, he once again drew his usual aura of calm around him. His expression was a little severe—he was still running, after all—but it didn't seem to me like he was rattled. I'd still need another little push to shake his balance.
I had to shoot right through him with one remark. Right to his core.
I forced my panting to calm. My chest hurt, but I sucked it up and twisted the corners of my mouth to smile. "…Was Miura convenient for keeping girls away?" I said.
Hayama turned to me and fixed me with a sharp glare. Instead of swallowing his hostility, he let it spill out as a hot breath.
Ahhh, that's it. That's the kind of look I wanted to see.
After that wordless glance, he decided to commit to ignoring me, as he sped up a bit.
I dogged him desperately, calling after him again. "So? Was she useful?"
To be honest, I know Miura isn't a bad person. Now that I'd gotten a glimpse at how incredibly honest her innermost feelings are, it hurt me a bit to say something like this.
He had to feel the same, hearing me say it.
"Shut up a minute," Hayama said without looking at me, his voice oozing frustration. The force behind it was nothing like his usual calm, and it just about made me retreat.
But I made a conscious effort to take my feet forward. "I'm not gonna shut up just 'cause you said so… I'm not as good a person as you think I am." Borrowing the words that a certain someone had said at some point, I showed him a mean smile.
Hayama looked at me like I was an idiot, then snorted. "You're joking. I've never thought you were good."
The remark was so cold, my running slowed just a bit. If I wasn't careful, I would fall behind, so I faced sharply forward.
"You jerk…," I grumbled without thinking.
A small, somewhat scornful smile rose on Hayama's face. "I don't want to hear that from you."
Indeed. I almost laughed. But it was worth it, to get a different reaction from usual out of Hayama. This was the best possible timing.
Running, I evened my breath again so I could talk without gasping for air. I got right to the point. "Which course stream did you pick?"
"I'm not telling you."
"I'll guess. Sciences."
Hayama breathed a short, exasperated sigh. "…There's only two options. I'm obviously not going to answer."
"Then I'll put it another way," I began, speeding up my pace just a bit. I made a conscious effort to lift my heavy thighs, coming out just a few steps ahead of Hayama. Then I turned my head to look back. "Make it sciences. I don't care which you picked. I'm not really interested. But if you can still change it, then change it."
"Huh?" Hayama made a very stupid-looking expression, rare for him, and for an instant, he pitched forward. He immediately compensated for it, coming up to run next to me again. "…That's an interesting thing to say." Maybe he was a little flustered; he was even panting a bit.
"You're not giving me a choice. I had to know which you'd pick, but…you won't tell me, and I couldn't even begin to guess… So my only option is to make you change it to the answer I want."
Hayato Hayama had too many options, and he couldn't narrow them down. I should just shave some of those options down. By force even. If I could make the course stream choice for him, then I'd be able to complete our request from Miura.
"You've got this so ridiculously backward…" A humorless laugh slipped from his lips. Maybe he was shocked.
But of course, I had my reasons for saying this. "This is in your best interest. It's the only answer that checks the boxes you need."
"What boxes?" Hayama got a dubious look. Thanks to that, his pace let up a bit. I matched him.
"You told me to stop giving you trouble, right? Meaning you want to stop being the person everyone wants you to be."
Hayama's feet stopped right there. When I noticed that, I came to a halt, too.
I suddenly felt all the sweat that was pouring out of me. I probably hadn't noticed it until now because of the wind blasting me from the front. With a swipe from my jersey sleeve, I turned to Hayama.
He was looking at me, stunned, and he sighed deeply. I doubt it was from the running. "What makes you think that?" He glanced over at me, as if prompting me, then started walking. I followed after him.
"No reason. I just thought that if it were me, I'd drop something. The standard tactic for making the choice is just to drop subjects you're not good at and things you don't want to do."
If you're speaking purely about entrance exams, your classes at school won't influence much at Hayama's academic level. Prep school would cover any bases that needed it. So the meaning behind his choice would not be based on entrance exams—either for preparation or to focus on a particular university he wanted to go to. So what had Hayato Hayama been dropping when he made that choice?
The remaining meaning was his life at school in third year and his social relationships.
"Frankly, the choice between arts and sciences isn't much of a problem if you can just manage your entrance exams somehow. But you didn't tell anyone what you picked. And by not saying, you meant to drop something, didn't you?"
Hayama didn't answer. He just continued to walk in silence. But I could tell his silence was prompting me to continue.
"There are fewer people in sciences, and there also aren't many girls. You could put some distance between yourself and all the crap you have to deal with it. Plus, if you're just choosing a different academic path, then everyone'll accept you being away from them. If it all comes to a natural end, then nobody will be hurt, and you can avoid betraying anyone's expectations."
My throat was dry, so my voice cracked in several places, but I managed to put the words together and finish my speech. "This is the only way to fulfill the conditions that suit you."
The dripping sweat must have bothered him, as he wiped it off by swiping back his hair and then looked toward the ocean. Then he quietly muttered, "I really wouldn't have been able to be friends with you…"
"Huh?"
Right as I was about to question him, I heard quiet running steps from behind us. I turned around to see a bunch of people from the number two group getting close. It seemed they'd seen Hayama start walking and were taking this opportunity to go for it.
Hayama and I just watched them pass us by.
As we watched their backs grow distant, Hayama opened his mouth to say, "Oh…you're really something."
"What, so was I right? Is it sciences?"
"No. You really are twisted," he said, shaking his head. If he was expressly declaring one answer was wrong when there were only two options, that meant the remaining one was correct.
But when I was about to say So then arts, Hayama's soft and collected voice cut me off.
"I hate you."
"O-okay…"
He said it so suddenly, without looking at me at all, I couldn't say anything. I know I'm not exactly popular, but even I've never been told that so directly and breezily.
Hayama seemed completely unbothered by my reaction, still facing forward as he looked far into the distance and spoke dispassionately. "I feel like you're far behind me, and I hate that so much. I want to be on even terms. So I want to raise you up; maybe it's all that is. In order to affirm your loss."
"…Oh." I'm sure I felt the same way. I'd raised him up to a special status, forcing a lie on him in order to convince myself—that there was no doubting that Hayato Hayama was an absolutely good guy.
He must have actually heard my meaningless response this time, as he turned to face me. Then he smiled at me—it was charming but challenging. "So I won't do what you tell me to."
"I see." I nodded, and Hayama did the same in response.
I think Hayato Hayama sincerely did not care about the course stream choice, and whichever he did pick, it wouldn't be much difference to him.
So it was enough to hear this much now. This would resolve Miura's request. It wasn't like the problem had gone away, but what came after this was beyond my range.
"Let's get going," Hayama said, and then he started lightly jogging along.
You jerk, I can't run at all anymore, I thought, but I somehow followed at Hayama's heels.
There was one more thing I wanted to ask.
I forced up my dragging legs. Fortunately, thanks to that little break, I'd caught my breath a little. My heart was still kind of racing, but I took deep breaths to calm it. "…Are you choosing arts for family reasons? I mean, like for a family relationship sort of thing."
"My family? Have I ever spoken to you about that?" This speed must have felt like a casual jog to Hayama, as his steps and voice were light now.
"Uh, well, I overheard…" As my body was chilled with sweat, an even colder sea breeze blew over me. The freezing coldness, the sticky discomfort, and the weird silence made me agitated.
Meanwhile, one more runner passed us by.
But Hayama must have lost interest in ranking now, as he looked at me with interest before losing himself in thought. And then he suddenly said, "Are you worried about that rumor?"
"Huh? No, it's not that… Just, well, I mean, you know… Like." I was at a loss as to how to explain.
Hayama laughed out loud. Despite running with such flawless form before, his upper body was shaking and rocking all over the place.
"…What's so funny?" I asked.
He wiped his eyes almost deliberately. "No, sorry. If it's about that, then don't worry. I'll make sure it's resolved."
"Ahhh, it'll help a lot. I can't stand the tension in the clubroom."
As we talked, I started hearing the panting of another student approaching us. I turned back once, then faced forward again. I figured there'd be quite a gap opening up between us and those who had passed us.
My feet were as heavy as if they had fishing weights tangled around them and wouldn't quite move like I wanted them to. "They've gotten pretty far ahead… Guess I'll take this slow. Sorry I kept you from scoring another victory," I said, meaning that as a proposal.
But Hayama shook his head. He swung his arms at his sides as if lightly stretching them and grinned. "…No, I'll win. That's who I am."
He was saying that winning, meeting everyone's expectations, committing to playing Hayato Hayama to the very end was who he was.
He gradually upped the pace, and when he came out a few steps in front of my trudging run, he turned back. "And besides, I don't want to lose to you."
And with that parting remark, Hayato Hayama ran off.
He left me behind far, far in the distance.
I didn't even have enough energy left to follow after him. It was all I could do just to watch him go. After coming up with the answer I couldn't and dreaming of possibilities I couldn't bring myself to believe in, Hayato Hayama grew distant.
Damn it, he's actually cool.
Maybe he's pretty competitive, too, I thought stupidly, just as my right foot collided into my left calf. My feet got tangled up, and I failed to catch myself and tumbled right there on the pavement. I rolled straight over onto my back and looked up above.
My white breath melted into the clear, bright, and blue winter sky.
In the end, whether I fell down or lay down had no effect on the marathon schedule, and it solemnly proceeded.
I fell, and then after lying on my back like that for a while, Totsuka helped me get up, but I really couldn't cause any more trouble for him, so I had him go on without me, while I dragged my aching legs to somehow reach the goal alone.
Though I wasn't in last place, during the final spurt, I was with the group at the tail end, putting in some desperate effort only before the finish line. The instant I crossed the finish line, I went, "I can be done now, right…?" as I checked all around. By the way, the only one to reply was Zaimokuza, who was running together with me at the end.
By the time I finished running, my knees were shaking like tambourines at karaoke. It was almost funny. Ha. Fun-knee.
When I flopped down to check how I was doing, I found I was a mess. I'd scraped open my knees and shins, my shorts were completely muddied, my butt was cramping, my side was stabbing me the whole time—maybe I should try to find what didn't hurt. I'm already a pretty painful sight to begin with, so this was educational, letting people know that yes, I can be even more painful to look at (and that's a painful joke).
If I hadn't been encouraging myself along the way, like, You can do it. You can do it , I think my life points would have wound up at zero. Of course, nobody would be waiting for me at the goal.
Just the apologetic crowd of one—the gym teacher—while everyone else had left for the park square. I went to peek over there while they were in the middle of the award event.
Generally, something as trivial as a school marathon would not have an award ceremony, but seeing how Isshiki was the one acting as presenter at the event, this must have been a last-minute plan by the student council. She was a surprisingly capable person. Iroha Isshiki was fearsome indeed.
"Well then, now that the results have been announced, let's have a comment from the winner!" Holding a mike she'd probably procured from the student council room, Isshiki seemed very pleased as she cheerily assailed our eardrums. Seeing the vice president adjust the speakers every time she did was a little surreal.
Looking around, I saw most everyone was gathered in the park square, with no division between first- or second-years, boys or girls. The faces from our class were all in proper attendance: Miura, Ebina, Tobe, and Totsuka.
As I was gazing at this from a distance, Isshiki called out the victor. "Theeen let's have our winner, Hayato Hayama, come to the podium!"
At the call, Hayama, wreathed with a bay laurel crown, immediately came up to the podium. The gallery bubbled into cheers.
Wait, he seriously won…?
"Congratulations, Hayato! I just knewww you'd win!" Isshiki greeted him with blatant favoritism.
Hayama replied with a peaceful smile. "Thank you."
"Right then, go ahead."
When she handed the mike over to Hayama, applause, whistles, and a call of "HA-YA-TO" rose up. Tobe's interjections ("Yeeeah! Whoohoo!!") were especially obnoxious.
Hayama waved his hand with a bashful smile in reply, then began speaking. "Things got a little sketchy in the middle, but thanks to a good rival and all your support, I made it to the end. Thank you very much," he said all in one go, then paused a second. He found Miura
among the audience and waved. "And Yumiko and Iroha especially…thank you."
When he said that, the cheers went up a notch. Ooka whistled with his fingers, while Yamato clapped wildly. And as for the two in question, when Hayato called their names, they both froze in surprise but then gradually started twisting around shyly, blushing and looking down. Yuigahama kindly patted Miura's shoulder.
Seeing Hayama's warm gaze and the two girls' reactions, the onlookers murmured a bit. I get it. So this is what he meant by "resolving things."
The victor continued with his comment. "Moving forward, I'll just be focusing on club activities and working hard coming up to our last tournament… Also, a lot of the soccer team gave a disappointing performance in this race today. Our practices are going to push you hard." Hayama directed an unpleasant grin over at Tobe and the guys.
Tobe let out a hyeeegh and fell backward. "Hayatooo, don't do this! Warn me first, man!" He was just as loud as anyone on a mike, and everyone burst out in wild cackling.
What a kind world…
"Okaaay, thank you very much! And that was the victor, Hayato Hayama. Right, applause… We don't really need anything from second or below, right?" Isshiki checked with the vice president while the applause was loud enough to drown it out, but the mike caught all of it. What the heck is she doing…?
As Isshiki was trying to somehow smooth over her gaffe, Hayama chatted with Miura and company down on the ground. They didn't seem at all distant now, like they had been before. In fact, Miura seemed embarrassed by the eyes on her, quietly hiding behind Yuigahama and Ebina.
I watched the scene, then left the park square.
I had seen with my own eyes Hayato Hayama being Hayato Hayama. Maybe he was nothing more than a self-obsessed clown who had perfected the art of meeting expectations, but when he managed it so perfectly, I couldn't make a single complaint.
Right as I left the square, I collided with the flow of people also leaving the park. Watching out of the corner of my eye as they exchanged remarks like "So the rumors were just rumors after all, huh?" and "There's no way he's going out with Yukinoshita, huh?" I dragged my wobbly legs to the school health room.
The inside of the school building was deserted, and it felt far colder than the square where I'd just been. Most of the other kids had to still be at the marathon venue or passing the time how they wanted.
I changed into my indoor shoes and walked the empty halls of the special-use building. But even that made my injured legs throb.
I knocked on the door of the health room.
"Come in," a familiar voice replied.
This voice…, I thought, opening the door to find my prediction was not mistaken. Beyond the door was Yukinoshita.
She was still in her gym clothes, sitting on a chair, looking at me with a puzzled expression. "Hikigaya? …I'd thought for sure it was Yuigahama."
"She's still at the park. What are you doing here?"
"I was taking a little break when they made me withdraw…," she said with a frustrated ngh. Apparently, it was a very smooth withdrawal. And seeing her frustration, she'd basically had the intention of finishing the race, huh…?
"You…were hurt?" She looked at my leg, then winced a little.
"Yeah, a little." I couldn't say that I'd fallen over my own feet. It was too lame. And besides, if I said something like that, I'd sound like an abuse victim making excuses. Like, No! I really did just fall! I couldn't make her worry unnecessarily that I'm suffering domestic violence.
"You could have just gotten treated at the park. The school nurse should be over there."
"When I crossed the finish line, they weren't there…," I answered.
Yukinoshita put her hand to her chin, considering. "Ah, you had bad timing. Or is it that you have bad luck? Or bad eyes. Or…"
"Or personality or temper—yes, everything about me is bad. Anyway, I can just use this antiseptic, right?" I asked as I rummaged through one of the medicine cabinets, the one that wasn't locked.
Yukinoshita sighed. "…Looks like you have the bad habit of taking without asking, too." She stood, shooing me away from my spot in front of the cabinet to pull out antiseptic and bandages, then pointed to the chair in front of us. "Sit down there."
"Uh, I can do it myself."
"Just sit."
Though I wasn't entirely happy about this, I sat down anyway, and Yukinoshita moved the chair she'd been sitting on in front of me.
She laid one hand against my leg as she began to disinfect the wound. The smell of the disinfectant was sharp in my nose. When her head bent over near me, I got a waft of soap.
Every time she prodded the wound with the cotton swab with disinfectant on it, it sent an itchy pain running through my leg. I doubt she was really used to giving this sort of treatment. She was so timid about touching it; occasionally, the disinfectant got into the wound and stung.
"Hey, um, th-that stings…"
"Of course it does. It's disinfecting, so of course it would affect you."
"Yeah, could you not treat me like a germ?"
"It's proof that it's effective. Suck it up."
Is that, like, the logic of good medicine tasting bitter? I can't quite trust that. If being bitter makes it good, then wouldn't that make my life the greatest, though?
Despite what she said, she did seem to be more careful, letting up on the pressure touching the wound, and she used her hands more gently. Now it was ticklish, and I had to force myself to not jump.
Both of us stayed silent until she was done disinfecting the wide area of the scrape. I gradually got used to the prickling pain, too, and the tension in my body relaxed.
Yukinoshita wound a bandage around once, twice, then slowly opened her mouth. "I heard you were running with Hayato… Were you able to get something from him?"
"Yeah… I know it's not sciences, at least," I replied vaguely, not sure how to be accurate about it.
Yukinoshita gave a little giggle. "What a funny way to put it… It's done." She breathed a satisfied phew, then raised her face. When she did, her face got close enough to mine that we were just about touching.
"…"
Both of us froze up in that position.
Her skin was a faded white, like a dusting of snow in winter, her black eyes sparkling and wet. Her long eyelashes were wavering ephemerally, the bridge of her nose well-formed and straight, and a sigh slipped from her smiling lips.
Her shoulders twitched, sending her long, glossy hair flowing down.
Flustered, I looked up at the ceiling, falling backward to get away. One of my wounds stung. "…Ah, thanks for this," I thanked her to cover my embarrassment.
Yukinoshita sat back down in her chair, jerking her face away. "…Oh, no, it's nothing at all."
After that, the health room went completely silent.
For lack of anything better to do, I took a look at the bandage she'd just wrapped for me. And the tie of the bandage was in a dainty ribbon. …Is this what she meant when she said it's done? There are those weird metal things for holding bandages, aren't there? Use those. What's with this ribbon? …Damn, it's cute. As I was looking at the ribbon tie, I couldn't help smiling. I felt a little better.
I sat on the edge of my seat to stretch my back. That pose must have looked strange to Yukinoshita, as she tilted her head.
Now, I figured I'd try asking her. "…Hey, can I ask you which course stream you're picking?" I asked.
Yukinoshita made a slightly confused little sigh. Her hand stopped on its way to her chin, pausing in front of her chest to ponder. "I'm in the International Curriculum, so the course stream selection has nothing to do with me…"
"…Oh, of course. I just figured I'd ask. Forget about it." I'd basically anticipated that answer, but I was satisfied, regardless. Satisfied with myself anyway.
I'd expected she would casually turn the question aside, but she took her now idle hands and laid them gently on her lap, head slowly lowering as she looked at me. "It's the first you've asked that sort of thing."
"Is it?" I said, playing dumb.
There had been any number of opportunities for me to ask things like that, very personal things, and each time, I'd drawn a line and made sure to never cross it. After all, I was sure that wouldn't be allowed.
Yukinoshita cleared her throat as if this were hard to say, then, peering up from below, she looked into my eyes. "…It is basically arts."
"Oh."
"Yes. So…we're all together for now," she said, and she smiled. She reminded me of a little girl getting ready to go on an outing.
"Well, just in terms of category, huh?"
I was picking arts, and I was pretty sure Yuigahama was, too.
I don't know how much point there is in that classification. In the end, we would eventually be setting forth into different places, different worlds. Just as the three friends who had once been young hadn't been able to stay together forever. With the passage of time, the status quo is certain to change.
What doesn't change is the facts of the past. That can become a burden to tie you down, but it might also become a stake to secure you. All this one step across needed to do was leave a footprint.
"Then I'm going back to the classroom," Yukinoshita said. With that short farewell, her hand raised up just a little, waving as weakly as ever.
"Yeah. Then see you later." I nodded back in response, then put my hand on the door of the health room.
Then the door rattled. Is there a wind coming in from the cracks somewhere? I threw open the door to find someone standing right in front of me.
"Whoa… You startled me…" I tried to calm the thudding of my heart at the sudden appearance, while Yui Yuigahama stood frozen and speechless.
"…Oh, Hikki."
"Yuigahama… You just get here?" I asked.
"Huh? Ah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! I was just about to knock…" She looked flustered, a moment too late. Then she closed her eyes a moment, and after she'd caught her breath, she jerked her face up. "Yukinooon! Sorry I'm late!" she said loudly, entering the health room, going straight over to sit opposite Yukinoshita.
Yukinoshita's expression was mildly questioning, but she immediately shook her head and smiled at Yuigahama. "I don't mind. I wasn't bored."
"All right, then… Oh, I know. Hikki's here, so this is perfect." Yuigahama faced me and beckoned me over.
Well, I couldn't leave the door wide-open. It was only one wall apart, but the hallway was really cold.
When I went back into the health room, I was enveloped by warm air. Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were sitting side by side in front of the source of that warm air: the heater.
"We have to report today about Yumiko's thing, right? But Yumiko's going straight to the after-party now. What should we do?"
Unlike Yuigahama, who seemed in a rush, Yukinoshita put her hand to her chin as she took her time pondering with a hmm. "…So our only option is to go talk to Miura about it on the way from school." "Yeah," I agreed.
"You're supposed to say you're going to the after-party!" Yuigahama wailed, and Yukinoshita and I exchanged a look. Both of us were already used to this pattern. We nodded at each other and replied at almost the same time.
"Then I'll go if I can."
"Yes, I'll decide depending on the circumstances."
"That's just another way of saying you're not going!" Yuigahama breathed a tired sigh, then said with all sincerity, "Um, well, but I guess it's better compared with before…" With that, she rattled the wheeled stool over to take up position next to Yukinoshita. "Then let's go together!" Then, more quietly, she repeated, "…All of us, together." She quietly leaned close to Yukinoshita.
"…You're smothering me." Perhaps because they were in front of the heater, Yukinoshita scowled. But she didn't pull Yuigahama away, and Yuigahama seemed like she wasn't going to move from her spot. In front of the heater, her expression changed to something more happy and cozy.
The school nurse will be coming back soon enough to chase us out anyway…
Well, I guess it's okay for us to stay in this warm room until then.
8
That's how their pasts and futures cross, leading to the present.
When the sun had fully set, the temperature took a dive, and the wind picked up, too. As I walked along the way by the park, going from school to the station, the barren trees swayed in the north wind.
I tugged the collar of my coat close and completely wrapped the lower half of my face with my scarf. Walking ahead of me were Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Miura. There was no club time that day after school, so we were walking the way to the after-party together to report to Miura on her request.
With her tartan check scarf and her beloved curls flapping in the wind, Miura muttered, "Oh…so Hayato's going for arts."
"Yeah. Like, probably, though." Yuigahama smooshed her bun uncertainly. Well, it was secondhand information, and the person who had told her was, as a source, unreliable. So of course she was going to be unsure.
But even hearing such a vague answer, Miura hopped in her squished-heel loafers and gazed up at the sky in a show of indifference. "Then maybe I'm fine with that, too."
"Should you be deciding that so casually?" Yukinoshita's tone was gentle, but there was a somewhat critical edge to it.
Miura didn't look at her, though, still lifting her face to the darkness of night like a stargazer. "There isn't really anything I wanna do. And if I need sciences, I can just study hard at cram school, right?"
That's something you could manage if you had academic ability on a level with Hayama, but I dunno about Miura. It seemed I wasn't the only one thinking maybe that was a little too optimistic—
Yukinoshita's expression was doubtful, too. Yuigahama was nodding. You're the most dubious one here, academically… But my worries were misplaced.
"I could take an extra year for entrance exams…but you can't do that with this," Miura said and stopped, then came up on her toes and folded her hands behind her like she was stretching her back. From behind, I couldn't see her expression. But I could imagine her eyes were as clear as the winter sky.
"You'll have a rough time, dealing with that," I said.
"Hey, Hikki!" Yuigahama gave me a chiding jab with her elbow.
Miura turned just her head to glare at me, too. "Huh? I don't need to hear that from you, Hikio."
"O-okay…" Wahhh… Miura-tan is scary…
She glared at me for a while but then dropped it and started walking again. As a counterargument, she offered the tiniest mutter. "It's, like, you know…even with any hassles…"
Then she spun back around to face us. The hem of her coat and her shining golden hair danced in the air.
Then she bent over and said a little bashfully, "I think it'll be fine," and grinned.
When she said something like that with such a pretty smile, I had to be impressed. I hadn't known you could make it that simple. It was rash and plain and simple, and that was what made that desire so pure.
I stared at her smile, stunned, until Miura noticed and put it away again. She began striding off with a grumpy look.
"Oh… That's enough, huh? It didn't have to be so complicated…," Yuigahama muttered. When I turned toward her, she was squeezing the chest of her coat. Yukinoshita, standing dazed beside her, was looking at Miura with an expression of surprise.
But maybe it wasn't something to be surprised about. Back during the school field trip, too, Miura could see Hayama's intentions and Ebina's will. So there was a good possibility that her fluffy feelings now would approach something real… Plus, Miura can be a little mom-like!
When she realized we were just standing there, Miura came back. "Thanks, Yui." Facing Yuigahama, she gave her a little pat on the shoulder. And then she glanced at me with a slight turn of her head.
"Oh, and Hikio, too."
The apathy… I do indeed feel completely incidental. And my name isn't Hikio, either. Well, whatever.
"And…Yukinoshita? You too… Um, well, so…" Turning away from me, Miura looked straight over at Yukinoshita. After some fidgety hemming and hawing, she seemed to find her resolve, glaring straight at the other girl.
"Sorry." She flung down her head in a bow.
Yukinoshita blinked, puzzled, but then a little huff of a chuckle slipped out, and she swept the hair off her shoulders with one mittened hand. "I'm not really upset. In fact, I'm impressed with your courage. Not just anyone would come right up to me and get physical."
"Huh? Why are you so arrogant about it? You are infuriating… I shouldn't have apologized."
Though both their words were hostile, their voices were gentle.
Yuigahama had been watching the two of them eagerly the whole time, and she finally leaped on the pair like she couldn't hold back anymore. "Okay! Then let's all go to the after-party!"
"I…" Yukinoshita twisted around in Yuigahama's arms, attempting to refuse.
The other captive, Miura, glanced over to me to say, "…Why don't you come, too?"
Yukinoshita hesitated for just the slightest moment. Then a small smile came to her lips, and she answered, "…All right. Then just for a bit."
Miura jerked her face the other way.
The place we went to for the after-party was a rather fancyschmancy venue with a fancy-schmancy storefront and an Englishstyle pub. There, a bunch of kids around Hayama's clique and Isshiki were having a good time being loud and chattery.
Looking at this, it seemed more accurate to call this Hayama's victory celebration rather than an after-party. Hayama's clique was there, plus Isshiki and Totsuka and his friends, and for some reason, even Zaimokuza.
Going into the pub, Miura immediately headed over to where Hayama was, while Yuigahama seemed unsure what she should do. When Yukinoshita nodded at her, she gave a What can you do? smile and followed after Miura.
Meanwhile, Yukinoshita and I promptly ordered some drinks, then went to lean at the end of the bar counter.
"Cheers to a job complete." Yukinoshita, standing beside me, lifted her glass.
I raised my own to the same height. "Hmm, yeah."
Neither of us were that comfortable with this loud atmosphere. I think us watching from the corner as everyone else had fun was the perfect distance away for everyone.
I watched the crowd wordlessly for a while, but then Hayama must have noticed me looking. While he was going around talking to various people, he came over to us. The man of the hour going around to greet everyone. Tough job…
"Hey…thanks for coming," Hayama said.
Yukinoshita shook her head in response, as if to say, It's not a big deal, and I nodded in agreement.
While I was wondering if I should say something to congratulate his win, Hayama suddenly bowed his head. "Sorry. I caused you a lot of trouble… Y'know, with the rumors."
Yukinoshita was speechless, confused. But only for an instant, and her attitude immediately turned firm as she said the same thing she'd said before in the clubroom. "That hardly counts as trouble. Compared with back then, it's nothing serious."
"Back then, huh?" Hayama muttered, a little bitter.
Yukinoshita's expression darkened slightly. "…I understand a little now. I think there would have been a better way to do it. So I think I caused you trouble, too… I'm sorry." This time, Yukinoshita was the one to offer a little bow. When she raised her head again, there was a look in her eyes like nostalgia for a long distant past. "But I'm grateful for your consideration," she added.
Hayama's expression was filled with surprise. He was staring at her like he was taken aback. "…You've changed a little."
"Have I? It's just that so many things are different from how they were before," Yukinoshita said, looking over at Yuigahama, and then she glanced at me. It was kinda like I was hearing a conversation I shouldn't be hearing, and I felt restless. I had to look away.
Yukinoshita breathed a sigh that sounded like a chuckle and turned back to Hayama. "I don't think you have to be bound by the past, either… There's no need to force yourself to chase after someone else."
"…That's also part of who I am," Hayama said and smiled. Proudly somehow.
Yuigahama pattered over from behind him, and Totsuka came following behind her. A little worked up from the party atmosphere, Yuigahama wound herself around Yukinoshita's arm. "Yukinon, the food's here! There's, like, tons of chicken! A big whole roast one!"
"It's really amazing! You come, too, Hachiman!" Totsuka grinned at me.
It was feeling pretty uncomfortable here, so I was grateful for this invitation. I was about to give Totsuka a hearty "Yeah!" and follow after him when Hayama stopped me with a gentle hand.
"We'll be there soon, okay?" Hayama gave a mild smile to Totsuka and Yuigahama. Then he added, "Right, Hikigaya?"
Yuigahama nodded. "Then we'll be waiting over there!" She gave the other girl no choice in the matter as she marched Yukinoshita straight away. Totsuka gave me a little wave and headed back to his seat.
Awww… I wanted to peck at the chicken with Totsuka…
Watching the three of them go, Hayama toyed with the glass in his hand, and the ice in it clinked. "She has changed a little after all…
She's not chasing Haruno's shadow anymore." Hayama's gaze was sharp as it followed Yukinoshita. His tone darkened. "…But it's nothing more than that."
"Isn't that enough, though?" I answered without even having to think. I'm sure to her, that was one form of growth. She'd always been compared with someone greater than herself. She'd chased and chased after that shadow, tried to acquire something different from Haruno, and this was proof. So then, I figured she should be proud of it.
But Hayama gave me a dumbfounded look, drank from his glass like its contents were bitter, then asked me gravely, "…You haven't noticed?"
"Noticed what?"
"Well, if you don't get it, then maybe that's for the best…"
"Now you're being annoying."
"Someone else has been talking to me like that for a long time, so I grew to be that way myself." Hayama smiled wryly. His manner of speaking was indeed similar to that of a certain someone we both knew.
Once Yuigahama and Totsuka were seated, Miura and Isshiki waved over at Hayama impatiently. That had to mean to hurry and come. Hayama casually waved back at them and was about to return, but then he gave a small ah as if he'd remembered something, turned back to me again, and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something."
"Yeah?"
"It's about your explanation. The reason I didn't tell anyone what course stream I'm choosing. It's not that I want to cut off my relationships. Going to a new grade or to university won't reset relationships."
"Except it totally will."
"Only for you. The two of us are different."
I shrugged, then replied a little mockingly. "…Oh, I see. Then why wouldn't you say?"
Hayama tossed back the contents of his glass and sighed. Then, with a slightly sorrowful expression like a mourner offering a speech at a grave, he said slowly, "If you make a choice when you have no other options, then you can't call that your choice, can you?"
Now that he said that, I could finally understand. It wasn't that Hayama wouldn't say what he'd picked…
He couldn't say it. Even the fact that he wouldn't say it was not of his own will.
Hayama had always met the expectations and hopes of others, and the result was that he could no longer do anything but act in accordance with them. For him, anything other than the optimal answer was not allowed. He'd told Tobe that if you don't make the choice yourself, you'll regret it—but in fact, the one with regrets was Hayama himself. It was like his penitence.
Hayama would keep meeting the expectations of others, too. From now on, it would be by his own will.
So I had to be the one person to reject that. I had to make sure he knew there was someone who wouldn't force expectations on him.
In my opinion, only a pertinent rejection is true understanding, and cold disinterest is kindness. An affirmation from people who don't understand will just be another shackle weighing him down.
"I also forgot to say something… I hate you, too," I said, turning my head away from him.
Hayama's eyes widened a moment, but then with a pfft, he burst into laughter. When his laughter settled, he sounded satisfied. "I see. This may be the first time someone has ever said that to my face." This time, he finally did take a step away from the bar counter. "But still…I won't choose, not anything. I believe that's the best way." And then he added, "It's to satisfy myself." He smiled and returned to where he belonged.
But I couldn't smile.
If you're going to find fault with the answer Hayato Hayama had come up with, if you're going to call it insincere, you would come up with a convincing answer yourself. You would make sure to come up with a proper answer that was different from his.
I took a big gulp of the ginger ale in my hand and looked over to where everyone was sitting.
A stinging harshness remained in the back of my throat.