After Kawasaki's arrival, other students started to trickle in. Glancing over at the clock, I saw it was just a bit until the event was to start.
On the other side of the open door, I could hear loud voices chattering in the hallway. Yukinoshita, standing beside me, quietly inclined her ears to listen. Yuigahama also ambled over to us, looking over toward the hallway with curiosity.
I knew this voice, too. Eventually, the owner of that voice entered the meeting along with Iroha Isshiki. Just as I had expected, it was Haruno Yukinoshita. And following beside her was Meguri.
When Haruno found me, she offered a friendly wave. "Ohhh, if it isn't Hikigaya. Hya-hallo!"
"Hi." I bowed my head casually, and Haruno smiled in satisfaction before turning her gaze toward Yukinoshita.
Yukinoshita stood resolute, and the pair's gazes clashed. "…Haruno."
"So you're here, too, huh, Yukino-chan? Good, good, you can get lots of advice from Big Sis," Haruno said teasingly.
Yukinoshita's eyebrows twitched, coming together. This is about to explode any second… Seriously, you guys, keep this stuff at home…
Immediately picking up on this dangerous atmosphere, Yuigahama stepped up beside Yukinoshita. "Ohhh, so you're the graduate, Haruno!"
"Yep, yep. They did say they'd offer me something as thanks, so…here I am! " Haruno smiled a very gleeful smile.
Does she just have nothing better to do? Like, does she not have any friends…? I began to suspect, but Haruno was the type of person who would be popular.
It seemed her number of devotees had increased by one that day, too. Isshiki came up right beside her sparkling eyes. "Man, it's such a big help to have an amazing graduate like you here!"
"You think? It's no big deal, though?" Haruno said with casual modesty, but her calm smile was confident, even bewitching.
"Oh, no, you're, like, super-cool, Haruno! I totally look up to you. Honestly, sometimes I wanna be like you…"
"Awww, thanks!" Haruno swept up Isshiki into a hug and rubbed her back with aggressive affection. In her arms, Isshiki had a less-thansincere smirk on.
Ahhh, she's trying to cozy up to an influential character and acquire her know-how, isn't she…?
But this foe was also a formidable one, and Haruno petted Isshiki's hair with an enchanting smile—as if to say she saw right through her amateur calculations.
I didn't need to see that… I very much did not want a second Haruno.
But creepiness is in the eye of the beholder, as Meguri was watching with a bright smile. Her Healing Wave, her fluffy-puff Megu-MeguMegu rin Megurin power, made my heart fairly Megurisshed.
Noticing me looking at her, Meguri gave me a casual wave in greeting as she trotted up to me. "Hikigaya! I don't think I've seen you in a while."
"Uh, yeah… Did they call you in, too?"
"Mm-hmm. I've already gotten an acceptance, thanks to a designated school recommendation."
As we started talking, Yuigahama hopped up to cut in. "What's a…ddesignated school recommendation?"
For some reason, Yukinoshita was the one to answer Yuigahama's question. "It's a system where the university offers a framework for recommendation to designated high schools, and those who have fulfilled the selection criteria will be picked out and recommended by the high school. What makes it different from self-recommendation is that the pass rate is quite high."
Meguri nodded along to the explanation. "I knew you'd know all about it, Yukinoshita. You're so informed! Our school has DSRs for some pretty decent universities. If you have really good grades at school, you can get a recommendation." Meguri puffed out her chest proudly with a little smug chuckle. Very charming. Ahhh, I'm being Megurisshed…
But this former student council president was more than just fluffy pleasant. When she does something, she does it right. If not, she wouldn't be getting a DSR.
And our oh-so-responsible Meguri glanced over at the clock. It was just a few minutes before the event was planned to start. She ambled over to Isshiki, who was still joking around with Haruno, and said to her, "So what should we do, President?"
"Ah, okay, so you go to the booth at the end, and beside you will be Haru…" Pulled back to reality, Isshiki was in the middle of assigning tasks when Yukinoshita glanced at the clock again.
Yukinoshita said to Haruno, "Can we talk?"
"What is it?"
"There's something I want to ask. And Hikigaya and Yuigahama, too—could I have just a minute?" she said and beckoned us to a corner of the meeting room. The fact that she was calling us together and asking a question—I basically got what this was about.
Yukinoshita had to be planning to ask Haruno about Hayama's course stream choice. Come to think of it, it was true that Haruno had known Hayama the longest of anyone outside of or within the school. I'd say Yukinoshita's idea was reasonable.
When we gathered in the corner of the meeting room so as to avoid gathering attention, Yukinoshita asked her frankly, "Do you have any idea what Hayama has chosen for his course stream?"
Haruno blinked two, three times, perhaps surprised by the question. But she quickly let out a short, scornful laugh. "Hayato's course stream? Why do you want to know that?" Her tone was disinterested but could be taken to mean that she knew something.
Watching her carefully, Yukinoshita repeated her question. "Do you know something?"
Haruno breathed a long, exasperated sigh. "I dunno? I don't care, so I've never asked. I'm sure he's already decided anyway," she replied bluntly. Then she gave Yukinoshita an unpleasant smile. Her eyes were filled with a dark, sadistic shine. "…And you'd know without asking me, Yukino."
"If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you," Yukinoshita replied with the same cold gaze and sharp tone. Her provocative reply made Haruno bring her eyebrows together just a little.
But Haruno immediately hid the reaction. "Think about it yourself," she said, cool and composed without being stern.
"…"
That somehow chiding remark left Yukinoshita speechless. Yuigahama gave Haruno a wide-eyed stare. I was a little surprised, too. I couldn't sense any malice or ill will from her, but there was clearly no goodwill, either, and her tone was too detached to call affectionate.
Haruno immediately stuck out the tip of her tongue and gave another teasingly mean smile. "Here I was thinking you'd begun managing on your own, and now you're relying on others again. It was cute when you were little, but now… Oh, actually. More importantly, what about your course stream choice?"
That question snapped Yukinoshita out of it. Sweeping her hair off her shoulders, she gave Haruno a haughty glare. "I don't think there's any need to tell you."
"Mom asked me, too. We can never quite get the chance to ask, aside from times like this. You never talk about anything important. Your big sis doesn't know what to do." Haruno put a hand to her cheek with a wry smile. Her manner was joking, but that softness quickly vanished, and she glanced over at me. "…Right, Hikigaya?"
"Uh, well…" I didn't know how to answer when put on the spot. Haruno's piercing eyes captured me and wouldn't let go.
From the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Yukinoshita biting her lip and looking down. "…It's none of your business."
"So cooold! Oh yeah. Hikigaaaya, c'mon, c'mon, you come ask Big Sis about stuff, about all sorts of things… I'll teach you anything, okay?" She prodded at my cheek with her finger, examining my face. The chest of her blouse would normally be hidden by her scarf, but now that we were indoors, it was peeking open, and the sweet scent of her perfume wafted too close, too close, too close!
"Uhhh, well, I've already decided, so…" Taking a step away to return the distance between us to what it was, I bent myself backward as far as I could go. She puffed up her cheeks in a pout. Guess she didn't like that.
Then, huffing out a bored sigh, she turned to Yuigahama. "Awww. At least I can hear about Gahama-chan's choice."
"I'm an afterthought?!" Yuigahama wailed at receiving such careless treatment, and Haruno giggled.
While this was going on, Meguri and Isshiki came over. They must have come to call for Haruno, since it was about time to start. Of course, some students came over at the very last minute, too, so the meeting room suddenly got very lively.
Then, among those there, I caught sight of Hayama and his friends. He'd probably come accompanying Tobe or Miura, who were with the group. Of course, they noticed our presence. Though we were in a corner, Haruno tended to draw attention as an outsider to our school.
From the entrance area a little ways away, Hayama called out, "Haruno…"
"Oh, it's Hayato." Haruno raised a hand slightly in a little greeting. After that, it was like the stir in the meeting room got just a bit louder. Haruno tilted her head. "Feels like people are looking at me."
"I mean, well, you stand out." I wasn't going to say this out loud, but objectively speaking, Haruno was so pretty, it would be hard to keep your eyes from following her if you saw her out on the town. In the school environment, she stood out even more.
But Haruno didn't look satisfied to hear me say that. "It feels a little different from that…"
"Ahhh, I know—it's the rumor," Isshiki muttered as if she'd just remembered.
That made Meguri react. "The rumor! It's kind of wonderful, isn't it? I like hearing about these things, too."
"Rumor? Wait, what? Iroha-chan." Jumping on that word, Haruno smiled sweetly at Isshiki.
"Uh, ummm…" Wondering what she was allowed to reply, Isshiki shifted her gaze between the indignant Yukinoshita and Hayama, who was chatting a ways away. She ended up saying nothing.
But Haruno didn't stop there, setting a light hand on Isshiki's shoulder. "Tell me?" That was all she said, and that made the question all the heavier. She had her usual smile on, just patiently waiting for Isshiki to say. After a few seconds of silence, Isshiki gave in, and with one eye watching how everyone else would react, she softly whispered into Haruno's ear.
Haruno listened gleefully as she made mm-hmm listening noises. Damn, if she finds out, it'll be a disaster…
But her response turned out quite different from what I'd imagined.
"Ohhh, is that it? …We went over this a long time ago, you know," she said frostily. After thanking Issihiki, she turned to leave as if her fun had been spoiled. "Let's go, Meguri."
"Okay!"
The two of them headed for the booth that had been indicated for her. Right before leaving, Haruno turned her head back and waved. "See you later, 'kay!" she called cheerily.
By contrast, Isshiki wore an awkward smile. Then her head slowly rotated toward me like a rusty machine, and she breathed a little sigh of relief. "Th-that was scary… That's definitely Yukinoshita's sister!"
"Nobody thought she wasn't."
"That's a rather unpleasant link to find between us." Yukinoshita put her hand to her temple and sighed.
Yuigahama gave her shoulder a pat. "It's okay! You're not really scary!"
"That just feels like another way of making fun of me…"
"Huh? N-not at all! You're like, um, like, kinda…cute!" Yuigahama said emphatically, making a fist.
Taken aback, Yukinoshita quietly looked away.
Uh-huh. You guys are close, huh…?
Anyway, the career consultation was beginning. Fortunately, the only thing we had to help with was setup. It looked like we could leave the rest to the student council.
"All right, Isshiki, we're gonna go," I said.
"Right, thank you very much." Isshiki bowed politely at us.
I nodded back at her, then called out to Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. "Then let's get back to the clubroom."
"Yes."
"Yeah, okay."
When I was about to leave the meeting room with the two girls, we passed by Hayama and a cluster of his friends near the entrance. I glanced over to see him chatting pleasantly with Miura and the rest.
"Ah man, who should I talk to?" Tobe said.
"There's still time before your turn, so take your time thinking." Hayama smiled wryly, then slid his gaze to the front. Ahead of him was Haruno.
"Hey…are you close with her, Hayato?" Miura murmured, without looking at Hayama.
Looking somewhat surprised, Hayama turned to Miura but then immediately broke into a broad smile. "…She's just a childhood friend."
As their conversation continued behind us, we headed back to the clubroom.
A little desktop calendar sat on the clubroom table. Well, it wasn't so much a calendar—most of the paper's surface area was plastered in cat photos, so if anything, it was a desktop cat photo collection.
Whatever it was, I was having a staring contest with it and groaning.
"…The tea is done."
"Mm, yeah. Thanks."
While I was glaring at the calendar and slurping tea from my
Japanese-style teacup, Yuigahama came over to peer at the calendar. "Not much time left until the submission deadline, huh?"
"Yeah. But I have no idea…"
So far, I had indirectly asked a bunch of people about it, but nothing had come up that could help me figure out what Hayama had picked. Maybe it was because I'd been asking the questions badly, but still, I didn't want to ask too directly and have it get back to Hayama. I'd asked him already and got a no. That meant he didn't want me to know, and things could get uncomfortable if he found out I'd been prying anyway. I wanted to avoid creating any trouble for Miura.
As I was counting the remaining days and gathering my thoughts about various matters, there came the click of a teacup meeting a saucer.
I turned around to see Yukinoshita's expression was more serious than usual. "Hikigaya… I've mentioned Hayama's parents before, haven't I?"
"Yeah. You said they were a doctor and a lawyer, right?" "…Huh? Are they?!" This was news to Yuigahama.
"You never heard that?" I said.
Yuigahama pouted, kind of sulky. "It doesn't exactly come up in normal conversation… I mean, I don't know what your parents do, Hikki."
"My parents are just normal corporate slaves, both of them."
"Ah, same here. Although my mom is just a normal housewife…"
Ahhh, no surprises there… Thinking about how badly she fails at cooking and the weird ways in which she can be housewifey, that kinda made sense.
The environment you're raised in will affect your personality at least somewhat. I mean, my aversion to corporate slavery is due to my upbringing watching my parents go through it. Oh well, their double income has meant our family has never suffered financial hardship, so I am thankful for that, though. And I'd even say my parents' influence has made me positive toward the independence of women. In the future, I'm sure Komachi will also get a job, which'll make ours a triple-income family. It'll be very stable and secure.
As I was dreaming of my wonderful family plan, Yuigahama was moving on with the discussion. "Soooo then is Hayato gonna inherit the family business?" she asked.
Yukinoshita put her hand to her chin and tilted her head. "I'm not sure… His father runs his own law office, and his mother's father runs his own practice, so I think there is the possibility…"
"Then that doesn't seem like it'll narrow his choice down to arts or sciences," I said. Of course, both lawyer and doctor require licensing. If his only choice were one of those two, that would naturally narrow down his options, but if both were possibilities, then no dice.
"Nghhh." Yuigahama moaned, then jerked her head up. "Wait, so then wouldn't either one be really amazing?"
"Indeed. I think they'd generally be seen as a wealthy family." Yukinoshita nodded.
It's true—both doctors and lawyers have a strong reputation for making lots of money. I'd known this fact about Hayama's family intellectually, but hearing it again now, it was pretty wild. Why does a guy like that attend our school? Go to some better private school.
Well, I guess it's similar enough for Yukinoshita. With that thought, I looked over at her. "Wait, would your family say that?"
"If we're speaking in cash"—Yukinoshita used the English word—"I suppose they have more. In overall assets, I wouldn't know, though." She said it so carelessly, like it was nothing. A young lady of tender age shouldn't be saying things like cash or assets.
Meanwhile, Yuigahama was staring up into thin air, tilting her head as she muttered out the English, "Cash…card?"
Ohhh, you know cash card? Good, Yuigahama! Later, I'll tell you all about debit cards, too.
Anyway, leaving Yuigahama aside, it was time to think about Hayama's course stream.
First of all, I was sure I was right to assume that he was going to university, and that was big. Hayama had fantastic grades, scoring second place in our year on proficiency tests. If he hadn't wanted to go to university, the teachers would've freaked out, and based off what I'd heard from Miss Hiratsuka, that wasn't happening.
Good so far.
But what I wanted to know wasn't Hayama's future itself. This was ultimately just about his choice of arts or sciences, about Hayato Hayama during his third year of high school.
"…I have no idea," I muttered.
After a bit of thinking herself, Yuigahama opened her mouth. "Maybe it's arts. I feel like everyone is."
"Yeah. Well, I could definitely see that." The profile of Hayato
Hayama that most people would picture was generally something like that. He didn't start up conflict, he was friendly with everyone, and he was even capable of being nice to people like me and Zaimokuza down at the bottom of the social ladder. Imagining his star-studded yeek-yeek tee-hee life in the arts courses invited no discrepancies with my preexisting impression of him.
But there was something a little off about that. It was still unclear how I should take this.
When I resumed my pondering, Yukinoshita gave me a look like she had something to say. When I gave her an answering glance, she began to speak as if she were still working through the matter herself.
"I think…he's picked…sciences…" "Why?" Yuigahama asked.
Yukinoshita looked down uncertainly. "I don't have a solid foundation for this assumption, and, um, this would also involve myself…" There was still hesitation and misgivings in her tone, so I stopped her without a thought.
"…You don't have to force yourself to talk about it."
But Yukinoshita opened her mouth, then closed it, opened and then closed it, until eventually, she raised her head with some resolve. "No, um… There's no harm in knowing, is there?"
She sure is bad at talking about this. Not like I'm in the position to criticize. Yuigahama and I both straightened slightly in our seats and turned to Yukinoshita.
She slowly began to talk. "You know Hayama and my family have a long-standing relationship, right? He, my sister, and I were often together when we were small. My sister being who she is, Hayama and I typically followed her lead… So it might be fair to say he's grown up under her influence." When Yukinoshita was done talking, she breathed a little sigh.
This wasn't much different from what she'd said at some point, back during the Christmas season. But now that I'd seen the three of them together with my own eyes and heard with my own ears their conversations of old memories, it actually felt real.
Hayama had shared time with those sisters.
I'd heard about who Hayato Hayama is now. And I'd heard about who Hayato Hayama used to be. What I had to consider now was who he would be in the future. Anything else, I would leave aside for the moment.
"Um, so Haruno took sciences?" said Yuigahama. "Then maybe he'd go with science, too. Stuff from when you're little can be pretty powerful."
"Yes…but I can't say that for certain," Yukinoshita replied evasively.
Yuigahama and I both gave her looks, prompting her to continue. "Though this may seem contradictory…," she began, "I believe that if he intends for our families to continue relations into the future, it would be more efficient for him to inherit the law office." "So wouldn't that make it arts?" I said.
Yukinoshita gave a tiny shake of her head. "There are other ways our relationship could be maintained…" Well, that was true.
You'd be able to maintain that relationship through other fields, not only as a lawyer. You might not even have to do it as a business thing. For example, like marriage—it doesn't sound like something that happens in real life, but it's definitely a possibility.
As I was considering this, Yukinoshita supplemented, "Of course, I don't know what his family is thinking. I can't say that won't influence his future. I've never heard anything to suggest he would turn his back on his parents' wills."
"Ohhh yeah. Hayato generally does family errands and stuff, huh?" Yuigahama expressed her plain impression of things, and Yukinoshita nodded.
Now having heard about this, I had a general understanding of Hayama's family situation. But it still wasn't enough to resolve things.
I found myself unconsciously scratching my head, and a sigh slipped from me. "Of course we can't go asking Hayama's parents. That's between him and his family; it's out of our league."
"True enough… But I think my mother hopes for our relations to continue, at least." Yukinoshita's expression was somber. I looked away slightly.
"All right. For now…I'll think about it a bit," I said, ending the conversation.
I wanted time to gather my thoughts. At this point, the only avenue left was to make conjectures based off what few pieces I had. Now, I would just think about Hayama's future course.
Most of all… I had to do it, or I'd imagine something that my heart didn't want to imagine.
I expelled a long sigh to imply that the conversation was done for now, and Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both relaxed in their chairs a bit. We all reached for our teas at about the same time, and a peaceful silence was born. My now lukewarm tea felt nice going down my dry throat.
The sound of a teacup clinking as it was set down rang out in the quiet room, and Yukinoshita slowly opened her mouth. "Um…"
"Hmm?"
"I apologize for the other day, when my mother drove you off… I should have spoken a little better." Once the words were out of her mouth, she pressed her lips together in a line, gazing at the wobbling surface of the liquid in her teacup.
Yuigahama gently stroked her shoulder. "It doesn't bother me at all. Besides, we can't be butting in on a family gathering. Right, Hikki?"
"Yeah. It's really not something to worry about."
"…Thank you." With a peaceful smile that contained just the faintest hint of sorrow, Yukinoshita inclined her head slightly to me and Yuigahama. Everything about that gesture was beautiful: her straight back; her hands lightly folded on her knees; her thin, graceful fingers; and the long eyelashes hanging from her closed eyelids.
I was staring at it all when Yukinoshita lifted her face, and our eyes met. We both immediately turned away.
"L-let's call it a day. I'll put away the tea things." Yukinoshita must have felt a bit awkward, as she hopped to her feet and began to clear the dishes away. She set the teapot and cups on the tray, and she looked ready to go straight to a sink outside the clubroom to clean them.
"I-I'll help wash them!" Yuigahama started getting to her feet, but Yukinoshita stopped her.
"I'm fine. Wait for me." Then she briskly left the room with tray in hand.
When she was gone, Yuigahama and I exchanged a look. Then Yuigahama smiled and giggled. "Yukinon's slowly started opening up to us, huh? Before, she never talked about her family and stuff, right?"
"Well…maybe you're right." I think this was probably her own way of meeting us halfway. Even if it was really awkward and sudden and a little off in the wrong direction. She could handle most things deftly, but she was a total klutz with things like this.
Not that I could point any fingers.
I guess I should sit down and ask her, too, one day. Right now, I don't really know where I should begin, but one day, I will.
Parting ways with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama at the school entrance, I headed for the parking lot.
The sun was fully under the horizon, and a winter wind blew between the school buildings. The other clubs had already finished up, and the courtyard area was utterly quiet.
Walking through the courtyard, I heard a voice calling "Heeeey." But when I turned around, there was no one.
"Up, up!"
As told, I looked up. Above me was the student council room and Haruno Yukinoshita waving her arm out an open window.
"Hold on," Haruno said cheerfully, and then she popped out of sight.
"What is she doing…?"
She really has nothing better to do, huh? I was thinking, when someone else came to stand by the window. When I took a good look, I saw it was Iroha Isshiki. She bobbed her head in a bow, and with a smile, she waved bye-bye at me, then yanked the curtains closed. What's with her…?
What was up with that? I was wondering, gazing up at the student council room window, when I caught the sound of jaunty footsteps getting closer. I looked over right when Haruno came running up to me.
"Ahhh, I got so deep into conversation with Shizuka-chan and Irohachan—didn't realize it got so late!" Haruno must have hurried over quite quickly, as she was a little out of breath. Then she glanced all around the area. "Where's Yukino-chan? She's not with you?"
"She takes the train."
"…Awww. I waited for nothing."
Huhhh? Didn't you get deep into conversation? Pulling an ambush, eh? Sheesh, she's scary… Most likely, after the career path consult, Haruno had been keeping warm in the student council room as she stared out into the courtyard the whole time. I'm sure she was making Isshiki help her kill time, too. It's not my problem, and yet I've suddenly started feeling sorry for Isshiki…
Haruno seemed to pull herself together, coming up next to me to clap a light hand on my shoulder. "Then you'll do. Walk me to the station."
"Huh?"
Haruno seemed unhappy with my reply, putting her hand to her waist with a pouty look. "Whaaat? You're going to make a girl go back all alone at this hour? A gentleman is supposed to escort a lady."
Uh, it's your fault for staying here this late, commonsensically thinking… The remark came up to my throat, but I swallowed it. Or to be more accurate, my breath was taken away.
Haruno took my arm, bringing her mouth close to my ear as if to tell me a secret, and whispered, "It's not often that you get to walk back with such a pretty older girl."
I shivered as a chill that was not from the winter cold ran up my spine. When I panicked and took a step away from her, Haruno giggled in delight. …She's really teasing me here. Unlike Isshiki or Komachi, her devilishness was Demon Lord levels. And as you know, you can't escape the Demon Lord.
Fanning my heated cheeks with one hand, I pointed toward the parking lot. "Well, fine, I guess… Can I go get my bicycle?" I answered, and Haruno lined up beside me and started walking.
"Yeah. Then let's go together."
There was an actual issue here, being that it was already dark, and there were places that had low visibility between here and the station, like the park and narrow back alleys and stuff.
Also, I am a man who has lived through Japanese society, a world of age-based seniority and female superiority. I'm weak to older women. While I'm at it, I'm also weak to younger women, with my sister first on the list. I also can't be firm with guys, either. I mean, I'm the weakest of all humanity.
We left the parking lot and went out the back gate. I pushed my bike, wheels rattling along as Haruno and I walked through the nighttime town.
It wasn't far to the station. The houses by the park still had lights up from Christmas, weakly illuminating the dark night path.
Considering she'd been the one to tell me to walk her back, Haruno didn't say anything on the way. Of course, I didn't start any conversation, either, and all that could be heard were the passing cars, the voices leaking out from houses, the winter wind blowing past, and our footsteps.
Eventually, when we approached a bending path, Haruno spoke to me for the first time. "So what course stream are you going with?"
"Well, arts, I guess."
"Ohhh, you're always reading, huh? As expected of the literary enthusiast."
"Ah, well, uh…I guess." Before, when I'd run into Haruno in town, I had been reading a book. But I'd just been reading because it had been awkward… That was just the Book Barrier technique. Since my reason was a little pathetic, I naturally looked away from her.
But Haruno pulled ahead by half a step, bending forward a little to examine my face. "What kind do you read?"
"…Basically anything. Except foreign stuff."
"Hmm. So then Akutagawa, Dazai?"
"I read some literary stuff… I just read more normal, general fiction."
Frankly speaking, I can enjoy literature when it's already up my alley, but when it's not—sometimes the only opinion I can come up with is something stupid and pretentious: This really was the ultimate literary work! No wonder it's so famous! I thought it was an enduring masterpiece, so five stars! In that respect, you can bash entertainment fiction like light novels as much as you want, so you can still enjoy yourself even if the content lacks any appeal. And so light novels are the best! The hell, that's the worst way to enjoy something…
As I was thinking such thoughts, Haruno nodded and made listening noises as she walked beside me. "Then you might not be suited for arts. I think you'd have more fun with social sciences, that sort of thing."
That made my mouth hang open. Suddenly, she had started giving me advice. Since I hadn't been looking for it, I wasn't all that happy about it—but I figured I should be grateful for her kindness. "…Thanks."
"You're welcome." Haruno smiled, then cleared her throat. "So then have you asked Yukino-chan which faculty she's going for?"
Ngh, so this is what she really wanted to talk about! Thanking her was pointless… "Oh, I haven't asked her which she's picking."
"…Well, I guess she won't bring it up herself. Be sure to ask her, okay, Hikigaya?" She smacked me on the back.
Uhhh, it's not that easy… But I couldn't tell her to ask herself. I doubted Yukinoshita would so obediently answer Haruno, and most of all, I hadn't actually asked her myself. I can't tell someone else to do what I haven't done.
"Make sure to ask before the next time we see each other," Haruno said solemnly, and then she went "Ah," as if she'd just remembered something. "That reminds me, have you asked Hayato directly?"
"Yeah. He kind of told me off and wouldn't say."
"Hmm, he wouldn't say, huh…?" Haruno said, her eyes moving away from me and toward the station's main street coming into view ahead. But she didn't seem to be watching the flow of people coming and going. Her narrowed, well-shaped eyes probably were not on the present. "I see. Hayato had his hopes up, too," she muttered suddenly.
This didn't seem directed at me, but I asked back on reflex anyway, "About what?"
Haruno finally looked toward me and offered an enchanting smile. "About what you'll find, maybe."
And with that, Haruno sped up her pace a bit to come out ahead of me. Then she spun around, the hem of her white coat fluttering. "This is far enough; we're at the station now. Thanks for walking me here."
"Yeah—okay, then…"
I was about to offer her a casual bow when Haruno thrust her index finger in front of my face and continued in a bouncy voice, "Make sure to ask what Yukino-chan is picking. I'll be checking your answers next time."
"I don't think that's what checking your answers means…," I said.
Haruno poked my cheek and smiled. "Don't sweat the small stuff. See you!"
With a little wave, Haruno gallantly walked off. Rubbing my cheek where she'd poked it, I watched her go. She didn't look back, and she was eventually swallowed by the waves of people.
But even among the crowds, Haruno Yukinoshita stood out.
The Second Notebook
…Or it could be unique to everyone.
As I read along, I suddenly realized something.
If I was being honest with myself, there was something that had brought me back.
This book really did feel close to me. I'd even thought that it came very close to who I really was—and the word you'd probably use for that disposition is bad-natured.
But this was different.
I didn't give up, and I didn't lose interest, picking up a different book to continue my search. I read both No Longer Human and "Run, Melos!" over and over.
But they were definitely different.
Neither a literary master nor these famous books had come close to me.
When someone has spoken to you, shown they have empathy for you, and then turned out to be something completely different—it's pure despair.
Those similarities, resemblances, are why the differences bother you so much. It throws them into relief. You can't wave off those differences because you're so very similar.
I couldn't forgive myself for getting my hopes up, for thinking I understood, for thinking I'd been understood.
I'm sure I'm smaller, lesser, and more cowardly than the person depicted in No Longer Human. I'm troubled by problems so petty even Dazai wouldn't notice them.
So then, aren't I no longer human—or something even less? Aren't I even more suspicious and alone than the wicked and ruthless king?
Furthermore, I was disgusted with myself for using authoritative literature for the selfish purpose of gaining the answers to my incredibly personal problems. How shallow, foolish, and ugly. I had not picked up these books for reasons of purification or education.
I just wanted to be denounced by the truth. I wanted something to see through this clown of self-aggrandizement.
And I wanted it to come from the outside.
So I'd gotten my hopes up.
Maybe this book, I'd thought. Or maybe this person, who was far more sensitive to wickedness than others; maybe she would find me. Maybe she would see through me.
But even though she could see so close, even though she could see through everything else, I was the one thing she wouldn't look at.
It was worse than a lecture or contempt. It was more painful than anything.
7
Hayato Hayama always meets expectations.
Closing the book, I collapsed into the sofa.
When springs creaked faintly through the quiet living room, Kamakura perked up his ears from his comfortable spot on the kotatsu blanket. Komachi was at cram school, and our parents were coming home late as usual. Only me and the family cat were here in the chilly living room.
Lying on my back, the lights were overbright, so I turned my face toward the window. It was already dark outside, and the winter wind occasionally hit the glass.
It had been a few days since the career path consultation, but I still hadn't been able to learn anything about Hayato Hayama's choice. Even after asking multiple people about it, I'd gotten nothing. I'd allowed time to pass in vain, and now suddenly, the school marathon was looming the next day. The career path questionnaire was due the day after that. The deadline was the end of the month.
I pushed myself up off the sofa and squirmed my way into the kotatsu. Lying on the table was my completed career path questionnaire.
I'd already decided on my future.
I hadn't even had to think about it to pick arts. For my target school, I'd written down private humanities and a decent university and faculty that were appropriate for my academic ability.
And as for on what basis I had decided my path, it was quite simply because I was good at arts subjects… I'm not good at science subjects, so I'd dropped that from square one. Fortunately—or maybe not—my own traits were clearly expressed in my grades, so I could decide on a course of action without worrying about it.
I didn't have many options to begin with, so I was able to decide through process of elimination.
On the other hand, what about someone who has too many options?
For example, Yukino Yukinoshita.
How had she decided?
Though it was rather late to be asking that, I think I should have. Speaking purely in terms of her capabilities, she was the one closest to Hayato Hayama.
But I'd immediately written off the possibility that her choice might be of relevance. Not that there was any point in having that realization now. And if I thought about the reason why I'd done that, I'd be forced to confront an even thornier issue.
Right now, I should be thinking about Hayama's choice between science and arts.
Just how had he made the decision? If I were to bring up every option Hayama had at his disposal, there would be too many to count. And there were no negative factors in his life that would allow me to knock things off via process of elimination, as I had with myself.
The more I talked to various people about it, the less of a lead I had.
Not only was he good in both types of subjects, the possibility of a sports recommendation had even been implied. When you're that good, then AO entrance or designated school recommendations would also be on the table.
If I could know what his faculty of choice was, like Totsuka, then maybe I'd be able to calculate backward from that, but I was nowhere near a point where I could ask that. Or if Hayama believed
himself to have such clearly terrible interpersonal skills as Zaimokuza, that would be something else, but that wouldn't be an issue for Hayama.
It was close to impossible to narrow it down based on his performance at school, be it in his grades or behavior.
Meaning I should look at it from another angle.
For example, some family situation, like Kawasaki. She was making her decision based on how it would affect her family. On the other hand, with Hayama, his family increased his options and wouldn't hold him back.
I couldn't identify any concerns or weaknesses in Hayama. I shared Tobe's opinion here. To borrow Ebina's words, he was someone who would not slip up, would not hurt anyone, and would meet everyone's expectations.
No matter who I asked, no matter whose mouth I got it from, all I could see around him were possibilities.
Is that just the essence of Hayato Hayama—the ability to do anything?
Everyone saw him the same way: a perfect superhuman who was kind, cool, outgoing, charming, smiling, smart, and athletic. A good guy.
Everyone?
Was that really true?
There was one person who definitely didn't think so.
There was definitely one person who had said so to me in so many words.
…I'm not as good a person as you think I am.
If I was to believe those words, then Hayato Hayama was the one person who held doubts about the way he was. If anyone didn't see him as a good person, it was him.
It makes me sick how everyone sings his praises. But it's even worse that someone who meets those expectations exists. You know it's sheer hypocrisy, vicious falsehood, arrogant self-satisfaction, and you do everything you have to anyway. It's honestly so disgusting.
Someone once told me to stop sacrificing myself. Bullcrap. Doing it to meet other people's expectations, to avoid hurting others—that's self-sacrifice.
She'd said that he's always been like that. That he's the same as before.
If you have someone who's never turned his back on what others want, with his parents first on the list—someone who's always managed everything smoothly—what would he choose? Someone who's carrying the weight of others' expectations and trust and still lives up to it all—what sort of future would he aim for?
Agh, completely unbelievable.
If it were me, I'd crack. I'd want to throw away all the whole sham, to shatter it and ruin it. It's such a hassle, working to satisfy people I couldn't even know. I don't want even a hair of validation from the nameless, faceless masses I don't care for or know as friends or otherwise. I would reject all of it—expectations, admiration, all of it.
But I'm sure Hayato Hayama would not do that. He would stay as Hayato Hayama and keep from hurting any of them until the bitter, bitter end.
So many people took it for granted that they would get that clown act of goodwill and kindness from Hayato Hayama and force him to make that sacrifice. They swarmed around him, always seeking that kindness. They were arrogant. Unfortunately, Hayato Hayama was capable enough that he could give them what they wanted.
But there was one point that Hayama had stubbornly never yielded.
And that was the secret of his course stream choice.
Even though that would be meeting everyone's expectations, too.
Why had Hayato Hayama refused to share it?
As I was lying there, I saw a bright room dimly reflected in the glass of the window. I couldn't see beyond the transparent surface, and my eyes only lighted upon its blurry mirror image.
It was dark out, so my face reflected in the glass was dim. I looked unwell. I raised myself up, bringing my face close to the glass.
Sitting there, I remembered something that had happened before. Hayama had asked me what I would do if there were conflicting requests made of me. And to stop harassing him.
That time, both of us had ultimately avoided the issue and gave each other only vague answers. One of us putting off thinking about it for the moment, while the other offered a joke and a mild smile.
I think it's the same. Though the process is different, the conclusion of not choosing is the one thing that's the same.
So it was clear what Hayama's answer would be.
I picked up the cell phone, which I'd tossed onto the kotatsu and left there. From the few contacts I had saved in it, I found the person I was looking for, stood up, and pressed the call button.
The call sound went on for a while.
Until they picked up on the other end, I wondered many times if I should hang up. I didn't know if it was okay for me to make a request like this. What if I got on his nerves? What if he reacted with contempt?
But I hadn't been able to come up with anything resembling an answer, so this really was the only option for me to pick.
Eventually, I heard a reserved voice through the phone speaker. "…Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. Sorry for calling this late," I said.
The person on the other end, Saika Totsuka, replied in a bouncy voice, "Oh, no, it's totally fine. It's unusual for you to call, so I was a little startled."
Well, yeah. This was probably the first time I'd actually called. But what I was about to tell him now would probably surprise him more.
Sighing quietly, making sure Totsuka wouldn't hear it, I bowed my head, though of course he wouldn't see.
"…I want to ask you for something."
The day after I called Totsuka was a bit windy, but the skies were cold and clear.
Boys and girls from first and second year were all streaming into the park, which was the starting point for the school marathon. From there, the boys' course would go over the sidewalk along the ocean, then turn around at the big bridge and come back.
It was a long way to run, a hell of a long way, in fact. Widdle Hachi's bad at math, so any number higher than three is soooo big!
But personally speaking, no matter how many kilometers it was, it didn't change what I would do. When the order came, we began lazily lining up behind the white line that had been drawn at the starting point. Just like a hagfish, I slithered along, mingling with the group at the head. Surprisingly, everyone readily opened up the space for me. I wonder why—is it because I'm invisibeel after all?
It was just a school marathon. This was no big fancy event, and it wouldn't affect our grades, either. I doubted many people would feel super-motivated when we were just getting forced to run out under the cold sky.
Except for one anyway.
Everyone expected Hayama to win, and he couldn't disappoint them. He wouldn't be allowed to blatantly slack off.
He was at the very front of the starting line, to my side, with a few people sandwiched in between us. It was sort of like pole position, so to speak. While he was stood there, bending and stretching, the girls were cheering and watching for the moment he set off. The girls were starting thirty minutes after the boys. Until then, they would be our adoring spectators.
Hayama answered the cheers with a casual wave. The girls squealed, but he was looking at someone a little ways away from them— Miura. She must have felt awkward with all the other girls around, as she was only glancing over at him now and then. Ebina and
Yuigahama were beside her, and Yukinoshita was another step away.
Then Isshiki came ambling over, too. When she noticed Miura was there, she bowed. Miura gave her a little nod back. Isshiki looked between Miura and Hayama and chuckled boldly.
Then she cupped her hands around her mouth and called out loud, "Go, Hayamaaaa! …Oh, and you, too."
Hayama waved back with a slightly strained smile, while Tobe, a little ways away, also replied with a cheerful and somewhat inexplicable "Yeah!"
"No, no, I don't mean you, Tobe," Isshiki said, waving a little hand to say no, no.
Miura watched in silence, but then she sucked in a big breath and blasted it all out in a yell. "H-Hayato… G-good luck!" Her call was quiet enough that the other cheers just about drowned it out.
But still, without a word, Hayama raised a hand with the same calm smile on his face.
Miura watched him, entranced, and then without making a sound, she slowly nodded.
Beside her, Isshiki watched the two of them with satisfaction, then turned back to me. "…Good luck to you, too!" Guess she was talking to me this time.
O-okay… Why is she so stubborn about not saying my name…? Does she not remember it…? I was wondering when Yuigahama, who was zoning out watching, took just one step forward.
She waved her hands wide. "G-good luck!"
She must have been conscious of the people around her, as her call was fairly reserved compared with Isshiki's, but it did reach my ears.
…Phew, she didn't call my name. She's so thoughtful.
I vaguely raised a hand as thanks, and Yuigahama squeezed her hands into fists in response. Then my eyes locked with Yukinoshita's, where she stood beside Yuigahama.
Yukinoshita gave a wordless nod. I thought maybe her lips moved just slightly, but I couldn't hear her voice.
I don't know what she said. I don't know who she was speaking to, either.
But, well, it was still motivating.
Right then, guess I'll do this…
I slid farther forward to stand at the very front of the starting line, like Hayama. He didn't look at me, just staring straight ahead. I rotated my shoulders, stretched my Achilles tendons, then took one more step forward.
When I was all ready to go, I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I saw Totsuka in his gym uniform. His thin legs were in constant motion as he shivered from the chill. But then he stood still and smiled at me. "Let's do our best, Hachiman."
"Yeah… I'm counting on you, Totsuka." The starting line was so packed that my bow accidentally hit someone. But I did it anyway. I was pretty sure my request of him the other day wasn't something good to ask for. I felt bad for making it.
But Totsuka raised his hands in loose fists in front of his chest and gave me a big nod with a burst of enthusiasm. "Yeah, leave it to me! I doubt anyone will appreciate it, but…," Totsuka said, a little embarrassed as he checked up on the other kids. He looked over to the guys who were waiting behind him—the members of the tennis club.
"You can be subtle about it. As long as they're aware, that's enough.
You don't have to force yourselves," I said, giving Totsuka's shoulder a pat. Then I wondered if my hand was sweaty and yanked it away anxiously. Ah, damn, thinking about it did made me sweat, and now it's even slimier…
That was close—almost remembered that time during the school field trip in elementary school when a teacher had forced me to hold hands with a girl, and my sweaty hands had caused her to hate me, and the whole class had called me Ickygaya… Damn it, I just remembered it.
Well, you weren't gonna sweat that much during the winter. Even now, the cold wind blowing from the ocean was stinging my cheeks.
Then suddenly, the wind stopped.
"Oh-ho, Hachiman. There you are… Fngh, and Sir Totsuka is with you?"
"Oh, Zaimokuza," Totsuka replied.
Carving his way through the crowds to pop out of nowhere was Zaimokuza. It seemed he'd made use of his large frame to act as a wind breaker for me. "Hachiman, let's run together!"
"I don't wanna… Oh, but there was something I wanted you to do for me, though."
"Homm?" Zaimokuza tilted his head.
I didn't want anyone else hearing, so I leaned slightly toward him. …It's weirdly warm around him. Yuck.
When I whispered into his ear, Zaimokuza expelled a fshururu. "Hmunn… I do fathom what you would have me do. But I have no desire to do aught that's tiring or attention getting…"
"…Yeah, of course." My request for Zaimokuza was a lot to ask. Considering his athletic level and mental fragility, it wasn't something he'd take on for me so easily. I mean, I think if someone asked me, I'd just say no.
I'd asked him because he was someone I could use like an old rag without even the slightest compunction, but even Zaimokuza was a person. Even if my heart wouldn't hurt, his would.
"Ah, sorry. Don't worry about it. Forget it," I said.
But Zaimokuza squared his shoulders, folded his arms, and threw his head back in this cocky pose. "You may treat me to a bowl of extrafatty ramen at Naritake."
"You're okay with that?" I asked.
Zaimokuza heaved a dramatic sigh as if he were throwing up his hands at me. "Good grief, Hachiman, I have no choice… To know what is righteous and fail to do it is cowardice, as they say."
Why's he got to say it in the most obnoxious way possible…? I couldn't really say this when I'd just asked him a favor, but he really is obnoxious.
When I gave him a dull look, he quietly added so that no one would hear, "But I shall not do so openly! I shall not have people gossiping about me and posting vicious slander about me online! If I meet with blame, I'll cough up your name immediately!" he declared, thrusting a finger in my face.
Seeing that, I couldn't help but crack a wry smile. Good ol' Zaimokuza! He really is trash! The coolest trash!
"Ah, that's totally fine. Thanks. While I'm at it, I'll add on some butter topping for you."
"Heh, that will be the perfect caloric compensation."
Uh, you can run the numbers all day, but you can't burn Naritakelevel calories from a marathon, though…
Thanking Totsuka and Zaimokuza once again, I looked over at Hayama, who was standing on the white line. He was chatting pleasantly with Tobe and the other nearby guys when he noticed my gaze and smiled softly at me in a silent question.
Shaking my head at him in reply, I fixed my eyes ahead. It was already about to start. Even without looking at the clock installed in the park, I knew that.
The voices of the boys crowding behind me gradually quieted. The sporadic cheers of passing girls also retreated.
Once everyone was silent, as if she had been waiting for that moment, someone came walking toward the white line drawn on the ground.
"Right. Are you ready?" said Miss Hiratsuka, pointing a pistol to the sky.
Why is she doing this…? This is normally a job for a gym teacher. Geez, she just wants to be the star of the show again, huh? Or does she just want to try firing the gun?
Miss Hiratsuka held the gun up high, while with her other hand, she covered her ear. When her finger covered the trigger, the boys faced forward, and the girls held their breaths and watched.
She paused a few seconds like that, then slowly began, "On your marks… Get set…"
An instant later, she pulled the trigger, and the sound of the gunshot rang out.
Then we all burst into motion.
I started running slowly at first, to get my legs warmed up. My goal for the time being was to keep up with Hayama. But most of the guys beside me were putting out top speed, as if it was the climax right from the beginning.
The reason for that was probably the flashes constantly going off then. I don't know if it was for the graduation album or what, but there was a cameraman at the school marathon. And since the beginning was going to be in the photo, we had a jillion idiots taking the first few dozen meters at an all-out sprint. You know it's just because they want to brag later. I was at first place up until the middle! Boys are so stupid.
Most of these guys were putting their lives into the starting line sprint, so they'd wear themselves out quickly. The real competition would be ahead, when we left the park area and came out onto the sidewalk.
Casually avoiding the starting line sprinters who were steadily dropping out, I called out to Zaimokuza, "Zaimokuza, you're up."
"Heh-heh, ngnu? …A-aye!" He was already looking slightly out of breath, but when I called out to him, he sped up. I say that, but Zaimokuza is Zaimokuza. It wasn't that fast.
Hayama was ahead of me, and when we jumped out into the lead, Zaimokuza somehow clung to the spot behind us, wheezing fshururu all the while. We kept this up as we came to the end of the park area, where Hayama turned around the rock there to step out onto the sidewalk. I followed after him.
But even if Zaimokuza was running seriously, a few dozen meters was his limit. He gradually started falling back, and at the narrowest part of the way, the transition from the park to the sidewalk, his speed rapidly decreased. "Agh…no more…," he cried, and his speed dropped to about a sluggish walk. Suddenly, the people behind him slowed down, and his large frame lumbering in front of them was clearly getting in their way.
Thanks to Zaimokuza, I'd managed to put some distance between us and the rest for now.
The problem was what came next.
No matter how large Zaimokuza was, he couldn't completely block the way. Eventually, some would slip by him, pass him, and try to join the leading group.
While I was repeatedly turning back to check how things were going on behind us, Totsuka's group of tennis club members came over. My eyes met with Totsuka's over my shoulder. Then we nodded at each other.
The marathon's course used regular sidewalks. Three people running abreast would completely block the way. So I had made a request of Totsuka—that while I was at the front, he and the tennis club would run bunched together. Of course, any blatant barriers would become a problem, so I was okay that they left enough space so that anyone who wanted could weave between them or slip by them to overtake them.
There was no need to completely block the road. The psychological effect was enough to make people hesitate to overtake them.
If you had some people who weren't taking this marathon seriously, and there was a second-place group of people running at around the same speed right in front of them, then what would that first group do?
They probably wouldn't overtake the second-place group. If there's no need to get first place, if they could be satisfied with a decent place in the ranking, then they'd just join the second-place group. If things went well for them, they might try to take advantage of an opportunity.
And it worked like a dream. Once we came out onto the sidewalk, nobody followed close after the top group of me and Hayama. Maybe some people might come after us for the last stretch, but I didn't care about that.
If I could create a situation where Hayama and I were running together right now, that would be enough.
I glared at Hayama's back, running up ahead.
The stage was set for me. My plan was working so far.
From here on out, what began would by my game, and my game alone.