It was only after a flustered and nervous explanation from Jiraiya that the crackling drill finally dissipated from Namikaze Raimon's palm.
Seeing the terrifying jutsu vanish, Jiraiya secretly let out the breath he'd been holding. If a drill the size of a human head had connected with his backside, it wouldn't have been a matter of sprinkling on a little medicinal powder. The results would have been… catastrophic.
He really is my natural-born nemesis! Jiraiya thought with a shudder.
From Jiraiya's rushed explanation, Raimon pieced together that the Toad Sage had actually had a rough idea of Orochimaru's intentions but had chosen not to intervene. In Jiraiya's mind, it was better for their old teacher, Hiruzen Sarutobi, to die a heroic death in battle, burning out his last embers for Konoha, than to slowly fade away from old age in the Hokage's chair. Konoha had never had a Hokage who died of senescence, and Jiraiya saw no reason to start.
I wonder if sensei has been dealt with by now? Jiraiya had initially assumed that with Orochimaru's power, defeating an aging Hiruzen would be a simple task.
But then a chilling realization dawned on him. Wait a minute… How did Raimon break free from Orochimaru's control? Unless… something went wrong. Could it be that the Third is still alive?
"Ahem… Raimon," Jiraiya began cautiously, "where, exactly, did Orochimaru go?"
"Orochimaru?" Raimon replied with a dismissive wave. "He ran away with his tail between his legs. Why? Are you planning on chasing him down?"
Raimon knew full well that Jiraiya wouldn't pursue him. This was just how things worked in Konoha. Uchiha Madara had been allowed to walk away, and even Hashirama hadn't given chase. If it weren't for Orochimaru's unparalleled research talents, which Raimon found vaguely useful, he would have dealt with the snake Sannin permanently. The sight of him regurgitating a new body from his mouth was just too revolting. (Though, admittedly, the main reason was that the slippery snake was just too hard to kill for good!)
Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Chase him? Don't underestimate the bonds between the Legendary Sannin!" He then straightened up, adopting a more serious expression. "By the way, didn't you always say you were going to be Hokage? This is the perfect opportunity!"
"When did I ever say I wanted to be Hokage?" Raimon asked, genuinely wracking his memory.
"You did! You said, 'I'm the man who's going to become Hokage!'" Jiraiya insisted, doing a poor imitation of Raimon's voice.
Raimon rolled his eyes so hard he was afraid they'd get stuck. He had never said he wanted to be the Hokage. He'd said he wanted to be the Hokage's man. There was a big difference! Let Tsunade be the Hokage; he would happily be her man!
"Speaking of which," Raimon continued, changing the subject, "has Tsunade returned to the village?"
"No," Jiraiya replied, his face instantly souring at the mention of Tsunade. He'd finally mustered the courage to approach her again, only to find she had a clear preference for younger, more vibrant men. He'd thought that with Raimon out of the picture, he might have a chance, but it seemed her tastes hadn't changed. The Namikaze clan's looks were, unfortunately, top-tier. And Jiraiya was acutely aware that the man standing before him and Tsunade had already… ahem.
"Cough, cough!" Jiraiya cleared his throat loudly, trying to steer the conversation elsewhere. He didn't hold any real animosity toward Raimon and was fairly confident he wouldn't bring disaster upon Konoha. After all, the man had once declared himself the future Hokage's man.
"Since you don't seem to be busy," Raimon said, his tone shifting to one of command, "I have a mission for you. Go find Tsunade and bring her back to the village."
Jiraiya's face fell. "Who are you to be giving me missions? Even Hiruzen-sensei doesn't order me around like this!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
In a series of soft poofs, ten Shadow Clones of Namikaze Raimon appeared, forming a perfect circle around the Toad Sage. In the hand of each clone, a drill of crackling wind and lightning chakra materialized, each one visibly larger and more menacing than the one he'd used before.
"Is this enough authority for you?" the Raimons asked in unison.
Jiraiya's eye twitched. If all ten of those drills found their mark, the Great Toad Sage's posterior would be turned into finely ground mincemeat.
"Enough! Enough! I get it! Just dispel the jutsu, please!" Jiraiya pleaded, holding his hands up in surrender. He couldn't afford to be slow; his backside's integrity depended on it.
While he could perform the Rasengan, he'd never mastered this… drill variation. His mental focus was always… elsewhere, and he lacked the precise chakra control. More importantly, he didn't know the Flying Thunder God. Even if he did, he doubted he could use it to so deftly and silently deliver a drill to an opponent's blind spot.
"But why do you need to find Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked, still confused. Even if they did have a history, in Raimon's current… Edo Tensei state, what exactly could he… do?
"Hiruzen is old," Raimon stated, his expression turning profound. "It's time for a change at the top."
"Aren't there… other candidates?" Jiraiya whined, not wanting to embark on this particular errand. It was always painful to see the woman he loved, knowing her heart belonged to another.
"No," Raimon said firmly. "I told you, I'm the man who's going to become the Hokage's man. When Tsunade becomes the Fifth Hokage, I'll be right there by her side."
The words struck Jiraiya like a physical blow. He stood frozen, a imaginary, tragic breeze blowing through his white hair.
~Snowflakes drifting~, ~the north wind whistling~ (A single tear traced a path down Jiraiya's cheek as he envisioned himself kneeling in the rain before a phone booth.)
Seeing Jiraiya stunned into immobility, Raimon shot a meaningful glance at his clones, who took a synchronized step forward, drills humming.
That was all the motivation Jiraiya needed. In a puff of smoke, he vanished from the spot, fleeing Konoha with a speed born of pure self-preservation. He had no desire to see his backside become a permanent art installation.
"What a pitiful man," Raimon mused, shaking his head as he dispelled the clones. Jiraiya had spent years wandering the world searching for the Child of Prophecy, completely unaware that the child was right here at the starting line all along. In the original timeline, his persistence had eventually won Tsunade over. Raimon wondered if the current Tsunade still suffered from hemophobia.
The thought made his expression darken. "Danzo," he muttered, a cold edge to his voice. "You truly deserve a fate worse than death."
"That weird old man ran away really fast, dattebayo!" Naruto said, looking disappointed. "I wanted to show him my Sexy Jutsu! It even made Grandpa Hokage fly back with a nosebleed!"
"Hehe~" Raimon chuckled awkwardly. That Sexy Jutsu of Naruto's was truly a world-altering technique. Even a being as powerful as Kaguya Ōtsutsuki had been hard-controlled by it for a solid three seconds.
I wonder if even I could withstand it? Raimon found himself curiously wanting to see 'Naruko' in action, though he did wonder if the real-life version would still be shrouded in that convenient censorship smoke.
With Jiraiya gone, the two continued their journey to Raimon's old family home.
"Uncle," Naruto asked as they walked, "who's stronger, you or my dad?"
"Hehe~ Of course, your uncle is stronger!" Raimon replied without a hint of hesitation, smiling as he ruffled Naruto's hair. He thought to himself, He couldn't even properly handle a single Tailed Beast. How strong could he really be? (Of course, this line of thinking conveniently ignored the fact that Minato had been killed by the plot.)
Before long, they arrived at the Namikaze residence. While it wasn't as sprawling as the compounds of the Hyūga, Uchiha, or Sarutobi clans, it was a spacious and well-built traditional home, infinitely more luxurious than Naruto's dilapidated apartment shack.
"It seems the Third still has some sense of foresight left," Raimon remarked, noting the newly replaced furniture and the spotlessly clean rooms. In this regard, at least, Hiruzen Sarutobi had done an acceptable job.
"Wow! This… this is Uncle's house?!" Naruto's eyes were wide with envy. He had never even dreamed of living in a place so nice.
"This is your home now, too," Raimon said warmly. "Go on, pick any room you like." He had a soft spot for children, of course excluding the ones who enjoyed playing with explosive tags.
...
"Damn it!" Hiruzen Sarutobi swore from his office, having lip-read the entire conversation between Raimon and Jiraiya through his crystal ball. That insufferable man had the gall to say he was old!
"Where am I old? Sixty-nine is the prime of life for striving and achieving!" he grumbled to the empty room.
He felt a profound sense of helplessness. His own son, Asuma, was a disappointment who showed no ambition for the role. He had originally planned to hold the fort for a few more years, consolidating power and influence to pave a smoother way for his grandson, Konohamaru.
Now, it seemed, he would have to abdicate. As for the hundred-billion-ryo reparations, he'd better start preparing them. He didn't have much faith in Danzo's chances. Even though he knew his old friend had secretly colluded with Orochimaru and possessed power that was likely no weaker than his own, he was up against the 'Rectum Ripper'—the man who had once charged through an army of ten thousand shinobi and left them all clutching their abdomens in incapacitated agony.
"Good luck, my old friend Danzo," Hiruzen murmured, taking a long drag from his pipe. "You're going to need every blessing you can get."