It was so long ago that I can't even remember it now.
I broke a flowerpot and was severely scolded by my mother.
My mother must have scolded me out of worry that her young child might get hurt, but I didn't see it that way.
I wondered if she was scolding me because the pot was expensive, or if she was doing it because she hated me... Those were my thoughts.
Of course, now I can understand my mother's heart. It's painful to see your child get hurt. No one likes their family being in danger.
But parents don't know their child's heart, and the child doesn't know the parent's.
When understanding goes amiss, misunderstandings arise.
Misunderstandings create resentment.
"I can't say it's okay. It was too arbitrary."
Conflict, misunderstanding, sadness. They are all the same.
I strive to eliminate these misalignments,
but things don't always go as I think.
"Why did you do it?"
"…I'm sorry, Orabeoni."
Like an embodiment of guilt, Morgan kept her eyes fixed on the floor.
The sight of her stroking one arm and biting her lip made my own lips ache as much as hers.
"I'm not angry. I'm asking because I want to know the reason."
"I have nothing to say. I was careless and the Grail's formula was exposed, and the subjugation order was issued because I didn't listen to you, Orabeoni."
Who doesn't know that?
If you really get down to it, it's all Morgan's fault. Morgan unilaterally broke the rules of the Holy Grail War and caused trouble.
But what changes if I brand Morgan as the culprit? Nothing changes.
If I abandon her, there's no way the other factions, especially the Holy Church, will let me live.
If she were to abandon me, I might be able to hold out on my own, but there would be a limit to that as well.
We are in the same boat.
Morgan and I are family, and we have a contract.
As long as she manifested in this world because of me, her faults are also my responsibility.
"We have to solve this together. That's why I'm asking for the reason. Why did you do this?"
"…I wanted to be with you, Orabeoni."
"We've been together all this time. For over five months."
Morgan wiped away a tear.
"You know that's not what I mean, don't you?"
"...…We've already finished that conversation."
It's a finished story. I already rejected her in the park.
I cannot abandon everything for her, just as she built Britain.
I cannot abandon all my memories, all my bonds. It's too late to pretend I've forgotten everything and live on nonchalantly.
I've gained so many precious things. I have a child so precious that it wouldn't matter if it was just a one-night fling.
Every day, I truly think about a name for the child every single day.
I have engraved that one moment, more brilliant than anything else in the world, in my mind.
That cute little hand, that chubby face...
"Please look at me."
Morgan came closer.
An emotion, so overwhelming it felt like it would burst at a touch, took my hand.
Her hand was placed over mine.
"You chose me. You said you would make me happy."
"…I'm sorry. It's a cliché, but I'm sorry."
Tears flowed from her eyes, which had been as cold as ice.
A thorn embeds itself in my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed her away.
Vague words give hope.
We are in a war. We are not playing at a Holy Grail War.
I felt a conviction that I had to cut her off now, even if I had to be harsh.
Just as I steeled my heart, Morgan kissed me.
"Orabeoni…."
She licked delicately, wetting my lips with her saliva.
The scent of a woman. A sweet, flower-like fragrance tried to captivate me.
"Please open your mouth. Please…."
"…"
She sticks her tongue out slightly, pleading with an anxious heart.
I met her gaze directly. I did not open my mouth.
"Orabeoni. With you, Orabeoni, I'm happy with anything. I can cross 3,000 years again and build Britain once more."
"…"
Her words grew faster.
"I can overcome the wickedness of the fairies, the loneliness of having no one by my side. I'm already used to unrequited efforts. But, but…."
Morgan clung to me. I should have comforted her trembling shoulders, but I did nothing.
Shallow pity would only make her more miserable.
"But, being rejected by you, Orabeoni, is hard to bear. I can't stand it. I tried to endure it over and over, but I couldn't."
Morgan licked my cheek.
The part that was now healed and smooth. The very spot where she had hit me.
"There's a child I want to introduce you to. The only fairy who ever expressed gratitude to me. With this child, I'm sure you could live with us, Orabeoni."
Morgan spoke of the beauty of the Fairy Kingdom.
A citadel more beautiful than any in Proper Human History. A peaceful country. Beautiful nature.
All of it was for me, Morgan persuaded.
"Yes? Orabeoni. Please. Please…."
"No."
I closed my eyes, not having the confidence to face Morgan.
Only Morgan's body, which had frozen like a stone for a moment, told me her expression.
My heart was heavy.
But I can't be weak. The moment I break, I will lose everything.
I want to remain 'me'.
Not a Beast, not Morgan's dog, not Gilgamesh's treasure.
"…Everyone sees me as too much of a superman."
"What?"
"It's just because I like you all, and love you… that's why I can laugh off a few hardships. Because if I just get a little hurt, everything will work out in the end."
My body trembled at these unspoken true feelings.
Morgan slowly moved away from me. Her eyes, colored with bewilderment, reflected me.
"I'm sad too. I'm in pain too. When Tamamo forcibly opened my memories, I really wanted to die. I wanted to curse her with every curse I knew, and… I didn't want to forgive her either."
Morgan was silent. Did she realize it was the truth?
Whether she did or not, I didn't hold back. Once the floodgates of my mouth were open, the words poured out breathlessly.
"I'm sick of Gilgamesh too. He constantly torments me with his outstanding abilities, curses me... he even said he copied my child and killed it in front of me. How could he do that? Is that my fault too?"
I'm sick of it.
I hated them, always playing games from above my head.
I love them, I like them, but I hate them more than that.
"Ereshkigal too, she acted all pure, pretending to heal me, and then kidnapped me. She spent a whole year meticulously creating a barrier to turn me into a monster. And then, saying she didn't want to become like Ishtar, she let me go in the end. So is that it? If you do something wrong, you should apologize. Why am I always the one who's in the wrong?"
Malice is born.
I like people. Without people, I feel like I'll die of loneliness.
I hate people. With people, I feel like I'll die of injustice.
My head feels like it's going to explode from these conflicting thoughts.
1 part of anger becomes 100, and 100 parts of happiness are reduced to 1.
"Why do you all force these unreasonable choices on me?"
"Orabeoni…."
"You only call me Orabeoni when you're at a disadvantage."
Morgan's mouth closed.
"You're precious to me too, Tonelico. I felt sorry throughout my repeated reincarnations for not being able to keep my promise. So when I summoned you this time, I thought I'd treat you well. You kept wanting my body, called me your husband as you pleased, and I accepted it all. Isn't that enough? Now you're telling me to abandon all my connections, my family, even my child, and follow you... Do you think that's possible? Both sides are too precious to give up. Stop forcing me to choose."
I grabbed something within reach and threw it.
It was a letter. The letter Morgan had written and left.
"Why are you all the only pitiful ones? Why do you love me as you please, and then demand I listen to you because you love me... I'm a pitiful person too. You probably don't know, do you? Maybe it's because your lives have never been reset every 40 years."
My vision blurred.
"If you were just a bit kinder to me, I'd like that too. It's not like I haven't said anything, right? I've told you so many times to be honest with me, but you all are too smart to even listen to what I say. In your calculations, I'll end up happy in the end. But why don't you care about me going through the process? Why do you think that just because you're superhumans, I must be one too?"
I was exhausted. I sat on the edge of the bed, gasping for breath.
Even after pouring it all out, my heart still felt heavy.
Why? Because I was worried I had hurt Morgan.
This is a severe case. And it's true.
"...I'm tired. I don't want to do anything. I never wanted to participate in this Holy Grail War either. I just... I just fought because I wanted to cool my head."
If the Grail accepted me even though I have no wish, there can only be one reason.
I want to be at ease. The Grail must have recognized that intense desire as a wish.
The room was quiet. Only the sound of my breathing echoed in the room. Morgan didn't say a word, as if she had become a scarecrow.
My head ached.
"…I'm sorry. For saying such harsh things. I must be drunk or something."
"N-…No, you are not."
"I don't know anything. What I should do, what I should say."
I was already a corpse. A corpse with a mouth, and a heart that barely allowed it to speak.
Today, for the first time, I met Morgan's eyes.
Her eyes were clouded.
"Do whatever you want. You do what you want too. You can make me an immortal Beast and claim the Grail. Or maybe Gilgamesh will kill me before that. Or maybe neither of those will happen…"
Is there any meaning in saying this? A hollow laugh escaped me.
"Well. I guess you were doing whatever you wanted from the start anyway…."
I pulled the covers up over my head.
I wanted to forget everything.
A little time passed. The sound of footsteps, click-clack, faded into the distance.
I closed my eyes.
In the darkness, my consciousness drifted away.