Chapter 24 - 24

just tell me. I'll make sure that you have it."

Before she could respond, he turned and left.

Helena leaned back, pushing the folio away and forcing herself to

look down at her body.

Hesitantly, reluctantly, she reached down and pressed her fingers

against her stomach, just below her navel, finding the slight swell of her

uterus. Her hand trembled almost violently as she let her resonance

reach in.

She'd seen the resonance screen, but it was different reaching out

herself.

It was startling how small it was.

She snatched her hand away, her own heart pounding unsteadily.

Helena had never thought about children. Not until they were some-

thing that she couldn't have and so it didn't matter what she wanted. A

month ago and she would have killed herself in an instant to prevent a

baby, any baby, from falling into Morrough's hands. The pregnancy had

not existed for her beyond that context.

But if she escaped, if the choice was hers, what would she do?

When Davies arrived that evening with dinner, she brought etching

plates and a stylus. Helena held the stylus in silent disbelief at first. If

she'd ever found one searching the house, she would have tried to stab

herself through the heart with it.

Kaine really had known her too well.

"Is Kaine here?" she asked.

Davies shook her head.

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"When he comes back, can you tell him that I want him?"

It was dusk, the light soft when the door opened and Kaine stood

there as if he wasn't even sure he should step over the threshold.

Helena looked up from the folio, hating the space.

"Had I told you I was sterilised?"

He entered then, shutting the door. "No, but I assumed. It was stan-

dard practice for the Faith. It was one of my father's greatest concerns if

I were ever found using vivimancy—that they'd cut me and end the

family line."

"Oh."

She was glad they'd never had that conversation, then.

His jaw clenched. "It hadn't occurred to me that Stroud could reverse

it. I thought you were safe from the program."

Her hands crept towards her stomach. "I want to talk about what

you said earlier, before you left."

His expression closed.

Helena's chest tightened. There were too many moments, both past

and present, when he'd looked at her like that. She closed her eyes, try-

ing to block them out.

"Can you come closer?" Her mouth had gone dry. "It's hard to talk

when you're so far away."

It was clear that he didn't want to be anywhere near her for this con-

versation, but she needed him near.

She stared at her hands. "I didn't realise you expected me to termi-

nate the pregnancy when I escaped. I mean, I understand why you

would, but I'm not going to."

She looked up, trying to gauge his reaction, but he wasn't looking at

her.

"You may change your mind once you're free," he said, his voice void

of emotion, as if it had nothing to do with him.

She shook her head. "I won't."

His jaw ticked, tension growing visible around his eyes. "There's no

reason to make any commitment like this to me." His voice shook. "Do

whatever you want."

"I am," she said. "And I want you to know. If I didn't, I'd wonder

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about everything. If our baby would get your eyes or mine. What kind

of resonance they'd have. If they'd have any, or if they'd just get to be

ordinary." She was speaking quickly, because her throat was growing

thick. "I'd wonder if they'd have hair like mine or if it would be straight

like yours. If I have to go without you—if you— if you die— I'd want to

tell them all about you." She swallowed hard. "I've never gotten to tell

anyone about you. I'd want someone to know what you were like."

He looked at her then.

"What I'm like?" he finally said. "What exactly do you think I'm

like?" He scoffed, shaking his head. "You have a chance at a new life.

Don't drag my memory with you."

Helena shook her head, and his expression hardened, everything

about him sharpening.

"Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with one of the

Undying's bastards chained to you?" he asked. "The whole world knows

you're here, who you were sent to. Do you think they won't guess who

the father was and how it came to be? No matter what colour eyes it has,

or how old it gets, it will be the child of a murderer, conceived because

I raped you while you were my prisoner, and everyone will know that.

Everyone."

His face was furious, his fingers curling as if he wanted to shake her,

but he turned away, his expression contorting as he shook his head

again.

"Just leave it behind." He drew a ragged breath. "You want children?

Have them with someone else."

She stared at him, incredulous. "Is that what you think I'm going to

do? Run away and pretend you were a monster I was lucky to escape?"

He glanced at her, empty resignation in his face before he looked

away again. "It's the truth."

Her chest constricted, crushing her heart.

"Kaine . . ." She reached towards him. "You're not a monster. You

didn't have any choice. Neither of us—we were both raped."

He jerked away, evading her fingers. "Don't."

She stepped forward and caught his face in her hands, holding on to

him.

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"You're mine," she said, heart pounding unsteadily against her ribs.

"Did you really think I would still hate you once I remembered?" She

shook her head. "Even before I did, you were the only thing that ever

felt safe. I thought I was going mad, but a part of me always knew you.

I left a note. Didn't you get my note? I love you."

He flinched as if struck and started to shake his head, but she stilled

him, forcing him to meet her eyes.

"I do," she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. "I love

you. And I always will. Always."

She rose up on her toes, pulling him closer, and kissed him.

He stayed frozen when her lips touched his.

"I love you," she said the words against his mouth, as if breathing

them into him.

He was still a moment longer and then shook, his palms cradling her

face, fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her closer, his mouth burning as

he kissed her.

He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour

himself into her or consume her.

He's mine. He is all mine, was all she could think. There was nothing

but him and her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, meeting every

caress of his lips against hers.

He drew back just enough to speak, his palm curved against the nape

of her neck, his forehead resting against hers.

"I'm sorry— I'm sorry—I'm so sorry for everything I did to you," he

said, his voice hoarse and broken. "I love you. You left, and I'd never told

you."

Helena spent her days scribbling notes, going through every book

and scrap of information she could find, trying to make sense of the

piecemeal array concepts that Shiseo had collected. She remembered

now about Wagner and her repeated attempts at making sense of his

amateur array sketch.

The task of reconstructing it felt impossible, but it was the only thing

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she could think to do, the only solution she could envision. Upon re-

quest, Kaine provided her with the complete works of Cetus, all the

various letters and florilegia, all those centuries of writings dubiously

attributed to him. She hoped that if she could work out which were

legitimate, she might have a better understanding of his alchemy meth-

ods.

As she worked, she ignored the nagging fear that it was all pointless,

that she was delusional; if she hadn't been able to find a solution before,

what chance did she have of solving it now? She kept working anyway

because there simply could not be a future in which she left Kaine be-

hind to die.

She dragged her mind forcefully from where she had constricted and

suffocated it in order to accept the empty tedium she'd limited her

memories to, but the effort gave her such headaches she could only

work for short periods.

She woke one morning to the servants gathering up all her books

and research and ferrying them into a room which adjoined hers. The

doorway between the two had always been locked in the past. Kaine

was standing by the bed.

"Stroud is coming today," he said. "I have to insert the nullium."

Helena's mouth went dry. "Of course," she said, forcing herself to

hold out her hands, and not to flinch as the tubes slid into her wrists,

her resonance vanishing. She knew it wasn't his fault, but a sick sense of

betrayal swept through her as she stared down at her hobbled hands.

She curled back into bed, her heart pounding with dread, trying to

rub the nauseating dead sensation from her wrists as Kaine left to escort

Stroud in.

"Look who's conscious again," Stroud said as she entered. "The High

Reeve was very concerned about you. I think he expected you to die.

Seems you did listen to your father in the end."

Kaine's jaw clenched, and he made no attempt to hide his disdain for

Stroud. "Perhaps focus on the reason for your visit."

Stroud sucked her teeth, setting her satchel on the table beside the

bed and leaning over Helena, prodding with finger and resonance.

"Well, it seems the sickness has passed. She's beginning to regain

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some weight." She pressed several fingers against Helena's forehead but

used only the smallest frisson of energy, tsking. "Her brain is still se-

verely inflamed, though. I wouldn't depend too much on those memo-

ries surviving the rest of the pregnancy. The most severe Toll generally

happens at the end, assuming this child is what we hope."

Stroud was focused on Helena, or she would have seen Kaine's face

go grey.

"Now that she's eating, you need to make sure she's getting outdoors

and exercising. The weaker she is, the less likely we'll reach viability."

Stroud let go of Helena and reached into her satchel, pulling out a

resonance screen. "Now let's see how things look."

She pulled the blankets down and Helena's clothes up. Kaine turned

away.

"Very healthy," Stroud said with a smug smile, nodding at the vaguely

pulsing shape visible in the gas. "It doesn't appear the coma or fits had

any impact on the foetal development. That would be quit unfortunate.

I think we're far enough along that I can . . ."

Stroud squinted, and the screen morphed, the shape stretching and

ballooning. Stroud's face suddenly fell.

"It's female."

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CHAPTER 69

Junius 1789

A girl.

Helena had not even considered seeking out the gender. She re-

membered Lila trying to figure it out, but there were so many other

things to worry over, it hadn't occurred to her.

The pregnancy was suddenly so real, it was jarring. Before, the baby

was a concept, little more than an ephemeral possibility. Now it was a

girl.

Stroud pushed more firmly against Helena's lower pelvis, sucking

her teeth, the lines in her face darkening.

"Well, this is disappointing. We wanted a male," she said, glaring

down at Helena as if she'd purposely conceived the wrong gender. Hel-

ena kept her face blank, staring dully up at the canopy, as if she were too

weak to have an opinion.

Stroud turned to Kaine. "The High Necromancer will not be pleased.

A female is—out of the question. Practically unthinkable."

"It was always a fifty percent chance," Kaine said, appearing uncon-

cerned. "I was under the impression that any animancer child would do

at this point."

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"Yes, but a female." Stroud sounded as if she were referring to some

kind of rodent. "He will not be pleased."

She pressed a hand against her forehead, exhaling loudly. "Too late

now, though. There's no time to start over. And with the state of her, she

might not survive a second attempt. We'll have to proceed. Once we

have the process perfected, I'm sure we can manage a boy. This will be

temporary. You are keeping a close eye on her? Keeping her calm?"

"Yes," Kaine said through gritted teeth, gesturing towards the door.

"So let's talk elsewhere, why don't we?"

"Yes, yes," Stroud said impatiently, packing her back and heading

out, followed closely by Kaine. Helena sat up as the door closed.

She looked down at her stomach, pressing her hand against the

bump between her hips. Without resonance she could only feel still-

ness; it was too early for movement.

A girl.

Kaine still barely acknowledged the pregnancy beyond how it re-

lated to Helena's health. It was her pregnancy. Her baby. He refused to

treat it as having anything to do with him.

Still, she couldn't help but wonder: Would he mind that it was a girl?

It was sons who carried the name and inherited within the guilds. A girl

child with talent for alchemy was often considered a waste, only good

for a marriage alliance. Not that it mattered either way with an illegiti-

mate child.

Her stomach twisted into a tight knot.

When Kaine returned, his expression was wary. He came over, his

hand resting on her shoulder. She could feel his resonance through her

nerves and knew that he was looking for something.

"I'm fine," she said. "The baby's not doing anything to me, if that's

what you're worrying about."

He studied her face carefully. "It could get worse later. And you—"

He touched the side of her head with his fingertips. She could see

him estimating her years in the hospital, the number of patients, how it

added up, how much time she might have left.

She shook her head, catching his hand in hers. "You said vitality

doesn't get taken like that. With your mother, the vivimancer said it was

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because she didn't realise she was doing it. Lila's a vivimancer and Rhea

never had any trouble."

Kaine still looked as if he was watching her slip away before his eyes.

"Besides you did something to me, didn't you?" She studied him. "I

thought it was a dream, but you used the Stone somehow."

"I don't know how much it did, though," he said, "you were so far

gone, and then you slipped into that coma. I won't be there at the end

if— "

"I'll be careful," she said. "I'll be able to feel it. The Toll has signs. It's

not like it happens suddenly."

He nodded slowly, but she knew any risk was too much to him.

"It's a girl," she finally said, trying to draw his focus elsewhere.

He just nodded absently.

Her heart sank. She'd spent so much time worrying about this baby

when it hardly existed, because it was all she'd had to care about. Kaine

had been right when he'd called her desperate to love someone. It

seemed to be her fatal flaw.

Now there was so much to care about, she'd stopped worrying about

the pregnancy at all, thinking it could wait. But it couldn't. It had been

there all this time, and now it was a girl that no one wanted, except her.

Faced with indifference, Helena felt herself grow reactively posses-

sive. She slipped her hand away from Kaine and went to the wardrobe,

getting dressed slowly.

"What are you doing?" Kaine said as she stood, buttoning her dress.

"I'm going to go for a walk," she said without looking at him. "It's

good for the baby."

"I'll go with you."

She wasn't sure she wanted him to if he was just going to brood and

scrutinise her, but she nodded.

He removed the nullium from her manacles, and then instead of

going into the courtyard, he took her to the rear of the house, with the

hedge maze and the overgrown gardens. There was a pathway canopied

with climbing roses.

Helena hesitated. "Won't Morrough notice?"

"He only watches the courtyard."

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They walked in silence until they reached gnarled apple tree, blos-

soms all faded, covered in fresh green leaves. Kaine stopped short and

stood staring at it.

"I used to climb this tree when I was a boy," he said. "It's bigger in

my memory."

He'd never spoken of his past without prodding before. All she knew

of his childhood was the loneliness of it. An absent father, a sick mother,

and the servants whose ghostly memories still lingered around him.

"I got stuck right here once," he said, reaching out and touching a

large branch that barely reached Helena's waist. "I was sure I'd fall and

break my head if I moved. I stayed there half the day, shouting for my

mother. She wasn't supposed to get out of bed, but I wouldn't listen, I

wanted her to come for me. Wanted her to see how high I'd climbed.

Eventually she did." His hand dropped. "When I was older, I felt so

guilty about it. All those stupid things you do when you're young and

don't understand."

Helena could scarcely imagine Kaine that young.

He pointed to a break in the hedges. "If we go that way, there's a

pond. Used to be all kinds of frogs and newts there. I used to think I

could tame them, teach them to do tricks."

He said all of this without any emotion, a flat recitation. He looked

around.

"I should take you up to the spires," he said at last. "I'd remember

more from up there, I think. It's strange . . . I don't know why I have so

much trouble remembering moments."

He started to walk back, his eyes wandering as if he were searching

for something there in the gardens. He paused, his lips moving several

times before he finally spoke.

"My mother's name was Enid."

Helena nodded. She remembered that.

He looked towards the garden, fingers curling into a fist. "I—always

liked that name."

Slowly Helena realised what he was doing.

This was his attempt at giving her what she wanted. For him, ac-

knowledging that he would have a child, a daughter, meant acknowl-

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edging that he wouldn't live to meet her. He was telling the stories so

Helena could tell their daughter about him, about what he'd been like,

before the Institute and the war.

He stared towards the city where it rose above the trees. "I'm not

sure what will happen to the estate and inheritance. I've transferred as

much as I can to a foreign account, but if you did ever come back, I'm

not sure if she'd be able to claim it. I can look into it, if you want."

Helena's throat closed and her shoulders started to shake, and she

couldn't make herself breathe.

Kaine looked over. "I've brought you too far."

She shook her head but couldn't move. There were so many things

she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to without having them

break her open.

He stepped closer. "Can you walk back?"

She managed to shake her head.

Moving slowly, he slipped his arm around her waist and lifted her

into his arms.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his

shoulder.

"Enid is a good name," she finally managed to say, her voice hoarse.

"I like it, too."

Kaine lay on the bed beside her, her head resting on his chest as she

watched the hands on the clock. She was running out of time. Always.

She never had enough. The Abeyance was less than a month away.

Kaine was awake, too, fingers tracing patterns along her arm.

She sat up, leaning forward, and kissed him slowly, memorising the

sensation of their lips meeting, the tip of his nose tracing against her

cheek.

She slid her fingers through his hair, deepening the kiss, wanting to

lose herself in the familiarity of it. She had felt this before.

Kaine's hand rose up to curve around her neck, sending a shudder of

heat through her, her blood alight in her veins. She'd buried the memo-

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ries of this in the deepest recesses of her mind. She wanted them back.

She leaned closed, her hand sliding down his chest.

His hand closed instantly around her wrist, stilling it. "What are you

doing?"

She sat up, drawing a deep breath. "I want to have sex with you."

The tips of her ears burned at saying it so baldly, but she watched

him as she spoke. Searching for his reaction.

There was a hard, flintlike look to his eyes, visible even in the dim-

ming moonlight.

"No."

She tugged at her wrist again, and he let go. She pulled her knees up

against her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Her heart was

pounding a hard, unsteady tempo.

"I don't want the last time to be when you were—" She swallowed.

"— when we being forced."

"No," was all he said.

Her fingers spasmed, but she nodded, and sat, staring at the deepen-

ing shadows across the room.

"Why," he finally asked.

"I just told you."

"There's never only one reason with you," he said.

She didn't answer for a long time. "I can't remember what it was like.

Before. I know it happened, but when—when I try to, remember any

details, I'm always here. If it never comes back—that'll be all I'll re-

member."

She paused then, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. There

was no going back. What they'd had was gone, lost. It wasn't something

they could just re-create. That might destroy the fragile safe haven they

still had in each other.

"Never mind." She shook her head. "You're right, it's a bad idea."

He said nothing, but the next day, when he kissed her, it was differ-

ent.

Hungrier.

After he was gone for several days, he came back and his touch was

like fire, his teeth grazing against her neck, his face buried against her

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skin, breathing her in. Heat rushed through her, and she gave a shiver-

ing moan, body turning liquid against him.

"Tell me to stop," he said, his mouth over her throat. "Tell me to

stop."

She pulled him closer. "Don't stop. I don't want you to stop."

His teeth dragged across her skin, and she drew his hands to the

buttons on her dress, helping to unfasten them. His fingers slid over her

bare skin as she shuddered into his touch, aching for him.

It used to be like this. Feeling it again, she could remember it, the

way he used to touch her, hold her, consume her.

He kissed along her neck until her head dropped back and she was

gasping. Her hands trailed along the curve of his jaw, down over his

shoulders, as the physical memory of him awakened beneath her skin.

She brought his face back to hers. "I love you," she said, kissing him.

"I wish I'd told you a thousand times."

She found the buttons on his shirt and began unfastening, pushing

his clothes away, running her hands across his skin, fingers craving the

warmth of his body,

"Tell me to stop, and I'll stop," he said, his voice ragged.

"Don't stop," she said, fingers trembling as they grazed the familiar

patterns carved into his back. Her clothes were slipping off, and want

pulled at her from within.

She was pushed back on the bed, her body under his as he kissed

across her breasts, but then everything inverted; she was lying there,

trying to hold still and stay quiet, frozen with fear of what might hap-

pen if she didn't, the bed canopy above her, and the body over her, every

sensation a wretched betrayal.

Her hands froze and her eyes went wide as her ribs clamped down

around her lungs, suffocating her.

"Stop." The word was ripped out of her, so painful that it took her

lungs with it.

Kaine froze, jerking back, but she caught him, pulling him back, not

letting him go, burying her face against his shoulders, and breathing in

and remembering that it was him. And he was hers, she could not let

him go.

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Her body shook, as she choked back a sob.

Kaine was not even breathing.

"It was just for a moment," she said, her chest hitching. "It was just

too much for a moment. It'll be better now that I know I can say stop.

It was good." She wouldn't let go. "It was good. It was just for a moment

that I— It was good."

But he pulled away until she finally let go. He sat up slowly, his face

drawn, pupils contracted so that his eyes resembled cracked ice. He

looked so fragile.

He was covered in scars. Her hand shook as she reached out and

touched one that ran nearly the length of his torso. "What has he done

to you?"

He looked away. "Anything he wants."

She rested her head on his shoulder, entwining her arm with his as

they sat there in the lengthening dark, amid the ruins of all they'd once

been. They just needed more time.

Helena had read through all works ever attributed to Cetus, or-

ganising them in order of likely legitimacy. She felt that she was begin-

ning to grasp what Cetus's fundamental ideas were regarding alchemy,

but she was in desperate need of a more recent glimpse at his methods,

and she knew exactly where she might find one.

When Kaine was gone, she left her room, moving slowly, avoiding

the shadows, using the walls as a touchstone.

She knew which rooms Morrough might be watching from, and she

was careful to avoid as many as possible.

Davies materialised as Helena reached the foyer, but Helena passed

through the main wing, moving onwards.

She finally stopped, looking over. "Can Morrough see me here?"

Davies shook her head slowly.

Helena went over the far door. The frame was warped to lock it in

place. Without iron resonance, a person would never get through. Hel-

ena's resonance hummed in her fingers as she placed her hands against

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the frame and pushed the iron back as if it were a curtain. She gripped

the knob; it was a simple lock mechanism.

She glanced back at Davies, who had a look of terror of her face, the

only emotions she seemed to still express,

"I'm sorry," Helena said. "I need to see it."

"No . . ." Davies said, her voice came warped, hollow and gasping.

She didn't know if it was Kaine or the remaining shadow of the woman

protesting.

Helena shook her head. "I have to know how it was done."

Davies did not follow but hovered near the door, stricken, uttering

her ghastly pleading Nos as Helena turned on the light and went to-

wards the array.

The lights flickered unsteadily overhead. Looking at that too small

cage, knowing who had lived inside it for months, Helena felt sick. Her

heart was beginning to pound. She forced her eyes past, focusing.

She stood at the edge of the array, surveying all the careful work to

obscure what had been there, trying to superimpose the sketch that

Wagner had provided and the drafts in Bennet's folio. Somewhere amid

those three was the complete array.

Her fingers moved slowly, trying to feel out potential patterns, but it

had been so long since she'd done more than simple vivimancy.

She got on her knees and began to trace her fingers across every

shape and pattern. It was incomprehensible the first several times she

crawled across the floor following the lines, trying to visualise the pat-

terns of the energy. It was the third time that it finally began to make

sense.

It was an animancy array. She recognised the feeling of the energy,

the patterns it would follow.

Her resonance trailed through her fingers as she swept them along

one line of the array. Yes, she knew that feeling. Another line. False. The

energy would never twist that way.

She crawled across the floor again, more slowly, tracing every line

again and again, ignoring the splinters catching in her fingertips.

Her heart began to pound with relief. She could solve this. She could

figure it out. An ache spread through her chest at the unsteady tempo

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of her heartbeat, but she ignored it, trying to finish. It began to race

faster and faster, until her lungs began to hurt. Just a little more. She

needed to have the whole array complete in her mind so she could etch

it.

The floor blurred. She blinked hard, trying to focus.

Her fingers were bleeding as she reached up to press them against

her heart, her body going cold. Her heart was racing uncontrollably. She

tried to slow it, but it was like trying to catch a running horse.

The room swayed. The iron cage and the door gracefully swung to

the side, upended as her shoulder hit the ground.

The room dimmed, the lights' flickering click fading away.

She woke, dazed, lying in bed in her room, her chest aching as if there

were a lead weight crushing it. Kaine was sitting beside her, her hand in

his.

She couldn't remember how she'd gotten there. Her wrists throbbed,

and she could feel the dead sensation of nullium inside them.

"The doctor just left," he said without looking at her. "It seems you

developed an irregular heartbeat from the strain and distress of your

imprisonment and pregnancy. They detected it during your coma, but I

was told that if I could keep you calm, it might resolve itself. Seems

unlikely now, though."

Helena didn't know what to say.

His jaw worked several times. "Do you have any idea what it was

like, finding you collapsed in the middle of that damned array inside

that torture chamber?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't want to make you go back in."

He exhaled, his head dropping. He'd seem furious except he was

clutching her hand in his.

"It wasn't a panic attack," she said. "I think I know how Morrough

used the array—how the design works. I've figured out how he did it. I

was just relieved. My heart lost control."

He looked at her, his eyes burning. "Do you think that makes it bet-

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ter? Your heart could fail, and if I'm not here, you'll be gone. Just like—"

He went silent. "Don't do this to me."

Her mouth went dry. "But I have to save you."

"No." The word was sharp. "You don't. And you can't. You are the

only person who has never understood that."

She opened her mouth, but he cut her off.

"We made a deal to tell the truth to each other, and that is the truth.

You cannot save me. I cannot be saved."

She struggled to sit up, her chest aching as if her sternum had split

again. "You don't know that. Let me try."

He wrenched away from her and stood. She thought he'd storm out.

She slipped from the bed, reaching after him.

"Kaine."

He stilled at the foot of the bed. "You don't get to have everything,

Helena," he said at last. "There's a point when you have to realise that

you aren't going to get everything you want. You have to choose and let

it be enough for you. You have other people. You promised Holdfast

you'd take care of Lila and her son. You have a baby who needs you, and

you know that."

She shook her head. "I don't want to choose. I always have to choose,

and I never get to choose you. I'm so tired of not getting to choose you."

He looked back at her. "You're not choosing. You promised me any-

thing I wanted, remember? I want you to stop breaking yourself trying

to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what

I want."

"But I'm so close. I can figure this out."

He came back towards her then. "You promised me that if the re-

search was having an impact on your health, you'd stop."

"I know, but—"

He gave a gasping laugh, almost more of a sob. "Did you know, you

are the worst promise keeper I have ever met?"

Her throat tightened. "I keep the ones that matter."

"No." He shook his head. "What you do is make so many conflicting

promises that you can pick and choose depending on what you want.

I've devoted some thought to your methodology." He looked down.

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"That's why you never seem to keep any of the promises that I care

about."

He reached towards her, his fingers brushing against her hip. "You

care about this baby. You worried about her so constantly; you wrecked

your heart with fear over what would happen to her. Now you're so

preoccupied trying to save me that you're letting yourself forget that she

is dependent on you. I can't protect her from you. Endangering yourself

trying to save me risks her."

Helena's throat closed. She tried to back away, but he caught hold of

her, gripping her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "You have

to let me go now."

"I can't." She shook her head. "You think I'll be calm if I stop? If I

have nothing to do but to sit in this room and wait to lose you? You

wouldn't. You never would."

They compromised in the end.

Kaine took her back to the room and let her spend hours crawling

around the floor, copying down every detail of the array onto etching

plates. When he had time, he went with her to the library, and let her

use her animacy on him, studying the talisman inside his chest, but she

did not set foot outside her room without him anymore.

One evening he came back after more than a day's absence, his ex-

pression stony. "You'll have to stay in tomorrow. There's to be a dinner

party. Aurelia is returning for it, and the remaining Undying."

"What's it for?"

He gave a thin smile. "I'm supposed to convince them that there's

nothing wrong."

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CHAPTER 70

Julius 1789

Helena watched through the curtains as additional

servants, both living and dead, were bought in from the city. Kaine had

bolted the door shut to ensure that she would receive no unsolicited

visitors, leaving one of the maids inside the room with her.

She had never noticed just how heavy and reinforced the door was.

The motorcars arrived in the evening. It was almost funny watching

the Undying filing into the house of the very murderer they feared.

She tried not to worry. Kaine had not seemed concerned about the

evening, but he was a convincing liar.

As the evening dragged by, she tried to focus on her attempts at re-

versing Morrough's array structure when the maid, who'd been standing

still as a statue, abruptly sprang into action, rapidly gathering up Hele-

na's books and notes and shoving them all under the bed.

Someone was coming.

They'd just hidden the last of the papers, ensuring everything was

covered by the bed skirt, when the room was filled with the sound of

shifting iron. Helena flung herself onto the bed, curling onto her side.

A moment later, the door swung open, revealing Stroud followed closely

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904 • SenLinYu

by Kaine.

"I don't see how this could possibly help," he said as Helena blinked

at them in feigned confusion. "You know the delicacy of her condition."

"There are a great many delicate positions right now," Stroud said,

walking over and shaking Helena. "The High Necromancer was very

clear that we are to project an image of strength. All these assassinations

have threatened their sense of invulnerability, and if their fears are al-

lowed to undermine the regime, we'll all suffer. We must show them

that a solution is under way."

"And you think parading a pregnant prisoner famously sent here for

interrogation will reassure them?"

"I think explaining why she's pregnant will do it. They're too para-

noid to take our word for it, but they'll believe it once they see her. She

was the Principate's last sponsored student." Stroud looked down at

Helena. "Get up and put on something thin enough that your stomach

will show."

The pregnancy hardly showed at all unless she was naked; Helena

doubted there was anything she could wear that would make it visible.

A detail which was immediately obvious when she stood up.

"Oh, for heaven's sake." Stroud went over to the wardrobe and pulled

out a chemise, then stuffed it up the front of Helena's dress so that her

stomach looked visibly distended.

"There. Come along now." Stroud took Helena by the arm and began

pulling her towards the door.

Helena glanced at Kaine, but there was nothing to be done.

The journey to the main wing was simultaneously longer and shorter

than Helena remembered. As they reached the large foyer, Helena's

chest tightened. She fought to keep breathing slowly as she was pulled

into the large room where she'd first seen Kaine at Spirefell.

Stroud's fingers dug into her arm. "Don't say a word."

Everyone turned as Stroud entered with Helena, and she felt lurid

and obvious, her hair loose, made visibly pregnant, a condition which no

respectable Northern woman would be seen in.

Her appearance was met with silence. Helena's eyes darted around

the room. She recognised few faces; Aurelia was present, standing sulk-

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Alchemised • 905

ily beside Crowther.

Atreus, Helena reminded herself. His skin was grey with faint mot-

tling along his temples, and he wore ignition rings now.

"This is the secret project?" said one man in angry disbelief. Helena

recognised his voice. He had long sideburns and a receding hairline.

"The project the entire country read about in the papers?"

"Of course not," Stroud said, a note of defensiveness in her voice.

"Do you think the High Necromancer publishes his true plans in the

newspapers? She was brought here for another purpose, and you are the

privileged few who will know of it. As I'm sure you all recall, this is the

foreign student that the Holdfasts went to such great expense to bring

here."

Several faces darkened at this reminder.

"The High Necromancer has discovered that she possesses a rare

form of resonance which he has a great interest in cultivating. Once the

process is complete, the High Necromancer will achieve heights of

power never seen before."

"So you admit there is something wrong with him?" This was from a

lich on the far side of the room. Helena's heart stilled at the sight of

Sebastian Bayard, his pale hair and eyes, but grey-skinned now.

Stroud's lips pursed. "What I admit is that the High Necromancer

has defeated mortality in ways never dreamed of by any other soul on

this earth, and when he succeeds in this, as I know he shall, it will be to

the benefit of us all. Some of you may recall that during the war, Bennet

pursued a method of placing talismans into new living bodies. It was a

goal of much importance."

Several of the liches nodded.

"Those initial attempts were unsuccessful, and due to the constraints

of the war, it was necessary to focus our efforts elsewhere. However,

since then, a new method has been discovered, which the High Reeve

and I have closely collaborated in perfecting. The High Necromancer's

physical form is in—decay, but no one dares deny his power. He will

transfer his soul into a new body and thereby ascend to heights of power

unimaginable. And when he has done so, he will allow you to do like-

wise."

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"What new body?" It was the first man who spoke.

Stroud smiled, pushing Helena forward so that she was more visible.

"The one our prisoner is producing for us."

Everyone stared at Helena. Her heart was pounding, and she couldn't

hear what was being said because she was focused on trying to remain

calm. She could feel Kaine's rage simmering beneath his skin.

There was jeering laughter.

The room blurred.

"Don't think of it as a baby," Stroud said sharply, loud enough that

Helena could hear over her pounding heart. "It is simply human mate-

rials with the right resonance." Stroud's face was flushed red. She had

clearly expected admiration instead of the mockery she was receiving.

She dragged Helena roughly back.

"I worked with Bennet on the chimaera project; I'm well versed in

the methods of growth acceleration. A few more months and the foetus

will be viable, and I will have the materials with the necessary resonance

to craft a new body for our leader. Once he has ascended to his new

form, he will allow those who served him faithfully to follow and receive

new bodies as well."

Several of the liches straightened, their longing visible.

"So this is what your program was for?"

Helena shivered at the sound of Crowther's voice, emerging from

the back of the room, where Atreus was still standing beside Aurelia.

He seemed to like the new Mrs. Ferron much more than his son did.

"The economic benefit of the process is legitimate," Stroud said with

a prim look. "But I admit to ulterior motives."

"Wait." Aurelia's voice cracked through the room like shattering

glass. "Who is the father?"

"The High Necromancer obv—" one of the Undying said but then

paused, staring at Helena and seeming to reconsider.

Another one, a man with an oil-bright face and a thick mustache,

gave a barking laugh. "I knew you were having your fun with her, Fer-

ron."

Aurelia's cheeks flushed scarlet.

"The parentage was determined on the basis of resonance. The High

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Necromancer deemed that your husband the most suitable," Stroud said

in a conciliatory voice. "I assure you, Mrs. Ferron, your husband's coop-

eration was in no way a reflection upon you—"

Several people laughed.

Aurelia grew dangerously pale. "Get out! All of you, get out!" Aurelia

picked up the nearest thing, a vase, and flung it straight at Helena.

Helena was wrenched forcefully from Stroud's grip. The porcelain

passed her head, shattering on the wall behind her.

Kaine was standing beside her, his eyes glowing so that they were

almost white. "I agree." His voice hummed like resonance in the air. "If

anyone has further doubts about the power or stability of the regime,

you are welcome to see me for personal reassurance."

There was a pause and then several of the Undying muttered excuses,

edging towards the door.

As the room emptied, Stroud rounded on Kaine. "The High Necro-

mancer was specific that this was to be a diplomatic meeting, and you

were not to threaten them into compliance."

Kaine's eyes were still gleaming. "The only thing they understand is

power and fear. There's no reasoning with someone whose sense of en-

titlement is threatened. Now I have an unpleasant domestic situation to

resolve, thanks to you. You may see yourself out and assure our great

leader that the Undying will continue to keep their heads down, be-

cause they know it's their only means of keeping the ones they have."

Stroud's face puckered, but she drew herself up and left.

Helena glanced around as the last stragglers departed and blinked as

she recognised two more faces. They were the only other women in the

room beside Stroud and Aurelia. They'd been near the windows. Both

were pretty, although one had a slightly grey cast to her skin; her fea-

tures were soft, and she had a detached look in her eyes. The other had

an almost foxlike quality about her. She was staring at Helena, her lower

lip caught between her teeth.

It was Ivy and Sofia Purnell.

Ivy glanced towards Kaine, a look of confusion on her face. She

turned back to Helena, seeming as if she wanted to speak, but then

averted her eyes, taking Sofia's hand as she left.

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908 • SenLinYu

Finally, Helena and Kaine stood alone with Atreus and Aurelia.

Kaine stepped past Helena, towards his family. "Take her back to her

room," he said over his shoulder.

Two servants came forward, but Aurelia spoke up.

"No! She should stay. You were always hiding her away, ensuring

you're the only one allowed near her. It's just as I thought after all."

Kaine's expression tensed. "As Stroud said, it was as the High Nec-

romancer's personal command. I assure you, nothing about the process

was pleasurable for anyone involved."

"Well, that's a pity," Atreus said in Crowther's low voice. Crowther's

clouded eyes drifted slowly across Helena as he came forward, an awful

scent of astringent chemicals and lavender rising from him. "I'd hoped

to hear this had at least invigorated you to do your duty to your family.

I have it on good authority that you were once a regular at certain city

establishments during the war. So clearly you do not lack experience or

capacity, leaving me to assume you lack motivation."

"I have better uses for my time than worrying over your legacy,"

Kaine said, his eyes glittering with malice.

Atreus glared at him for a moment and then moved suddenly to-

wards Helena. She shrank towards Kaine on instinct.

Atreus looked sharply at his son. "For a captive, she doesn't seem

very afraid of you."

Kaine reached over and snatched Helena away from his father. "Well,

that's all thanks to Aurelia here. After she assaulted my prisoner in a fit

of rage, I ended up in the heroic role of saviour." Kaine smiled down at

Helena, his eyes ice-cold and mocking. "Isn't that right?"

Helena did not have to pretend to tremble. Her heart was pounding

so hard, the room was swimming.

"It's time I put her away for the night. You can both see yourselves

out." Kaine turned to leave, seemingly dragging Helena behind him.

Atreus spoke up again. "The High Necromancer may have given you

a long leash in the past, but now you have overestimated both your skills

and importance by letting him use you as a dog. Now he treats you as

one. It seems killing is the only thing you've ever done well."

Kaine's expression betrayed nothing, but Helena felt him flinch.

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"You may threaten the others in compliance, but I am not afraid of

you," Atreus said. "You have flown too high, and all that is left for you

now is an immense fall."

Kaine's fingers spasmed against Helena's arm.

"This is my house," Atreus said, "and now that your failed tasks are

mine to complete, you do not command me. Perhaps, when I have fin-

ished, I will ask our great leader to order you to produce an heir, since

slavish obedience is the only quality you now seem to possess."

Kaine didn't look back. "Do as you wish. I don't care."

He walked quickly and did not stop until they reached the west wing

of the house, leaving Atreus and Aurelia far behind. He stopped then,

turning and holding her face, studying her eyes, and she felt his reso-

nance in her nerves, slowing the unsteady pounding of her heart.

He pressed his forehead against hers. "I am sorry. It didn't occur to

me that Stroud would do something so asinine."

"It's doesn't matter. It's over now," she said. "What did your father

mean about your failed tasks being his now?"

"It's nothing. Come, let's get you back to your room."

She wouldn't budge. "What's happened?"

He exhaled. "The task of hunting down the killer has been reas-

signed to my father."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. He won't find anything. Shiseo's envoy will be back in a

little over a week."

The news was like a punch in the gut. She knew time was running

out, she could see it every time she looked into the night sky, but news

of Shiseo's return made it so much more final. She was silent until they

reached her room.

"That girl who was here, with her sister. Do you know her?"

Kaine's eyes narrowed. "She was the one who let everyone into the

Institute."

"She was one of Crowther's. She killed him because her sister died

when we rescued Luc," Helena said, nodding. "She's convinced that the

necrothrall with her is alive."

"The reanimation is one of Morrough's. He rarely bothers with such

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910 • SenLinYu

elaborate work, but that explains why. I would have killed her already,

but she makes it difficult because she never goes anywhere without the

necrothrall and doesn't keep any others."

Spirefell felt haunted once more with the presence of Atreus and

Aurelia.

With a room facing the courtyard, Helena would hear when anyone

arrived. She watched Kaine and his father standing on the steps as a

lorry arrived and prisoners were dragged into one of the storehouse

buildings.

Kaine started to walk away, but Atreus called harshly after him.

Kaine turned slowly, following his father inside.

The screams that followed pierced the windows, floating through the

twisting halls of the house. They would not end.

Helena closed the curtains and huddled in the far corner of her

room, trying to block out the sounds. She had too many memories of

screams like that.

She flinched at a touch and looked up to find Kaine in front of her.

She studied him. She could tell he'd washed recently; his hair was damp.

They stared at each other, feeling the weight of it all.

"Did— did any of them say anything that could incriminate you?"

she asked, her voice hoarse.

His eyes flickered. "No. Know of them knew anything."

She swallowed hard.

Every word. Every life. Because of you.

She couldn't speak.

"It's late. Will you eat?" Kaine finally asked.

She looked over, catching sight of a tray set on the table across the

room. The shadows in the room were long. She had hidden in the corner

for an entire day.

Her jaw trembled, throat thickening.

"Why is he doing this here?" she asked, as if it somehow made a dif-

ference where it happened.

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Alchemised • 911

"He believes there are spies, and that's why the killer has been so ef-

fective. He's convinced Spirefell is the only place that remains secure."

He looked down. "You should try to eat. I'm expected to have dinner

with him and Aurelia tonight."

He started to stand, but she reached out. "Will you come back, after?"

She could see his silver eyes in the darkness.

"If you want me to."

In the quiet, she went and pulled out her arrays, all her notes, study-

ing them, altering certain components of the design she'd developed,

squinting as she ran her fingers along the patterns, trying to feel the

energy and remember if it felt right.

There were no books, no sources to reference for alchemical arrays

designed for animancy. She had to rely on fragments of information

and her own experience.

Arrays could take years, sometimes decades to perfect.

At best, she'd only have one chance to get it right.

"Shiseo will reach eastern Novis in a few days," Kaine told her.

They were walking in the hedge maze, because they couldn't be seen

there from the house and it was far away enough that she couldn't hear

the sudden screams. "He'll be here within the week."

Helena's stomach dropped. "Oh."

She knew he was telling her to brace her for what was so soon to

come, but it didn't feel like being braced—it felt like being struck.

Her throat worked several times. "Do you think there's any chance I

could go to the library with you? I just want to see if I've overlooked

anything."

"If that's what you want."

She could feel the weight of his gaze as she made her way slowly

through the aisles, looking for old histories and commentaries on the

qualities of alchemy. When he watched her, there was such visible grief

in his eyes, she didn't know how she hadn't recognised it sooner.

She knew that to him, what she was doing was stealing time from

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912 • SenLinYu

them. If she found nothing, it was all wasted. Moments they could have

had together, she had spent searching for a solution that did not exist.

Still, she pulled another book down from a shelf, fingers trembling,

and added them to a stack.

"These too."

"I think— I've figured out the array and all the materials I'd need to

restore your soul," she said when Kaine came the next day. She was sit-

ting on the edge of the bed, empty-handed, her meal untouched.

He paused, shutting the door. "Oh?"

Her left hand kept spasming uncontrollably, and her heart was beat-

ing like a fist inside her chest.

"If we alter the base of the array, I could use the inner components

of it to hold the energy while I use my animancy to separate your soul

from the others."

"But?"

She swallowed. "When Luc died, it happened slowly. Cetus—

Morrough had damaged him so much, his soul couldn't hold on once

Cetus was dead. I didn't know how to—Your soul was ripped out of

your body. If I can get it back in, with time maybe it might reintegrate,

but we'd need to secure it at least initially, like—like the servants' souls

are doing now, to the phylactery."

"You'd need a sacrificial soul."

She nodded. "They'd have to be willing. It wouldn't hold together, it

wouldn't work if they weren't."

"Ah," was all he said.

She swallowed hard, jaw trembling. "Maybe if I start over, I can find

something else. I might have come at it from the wrong angle."

He was silent.

Her chest convulsed. "Or—I was thinking, what if we prioritise just

getting the phylactery first, and go. Then I'll have another month to

study it, right? I could build a bomb—we could—you have an old forge

here. It wouldn't be high heat or a large detonation. If we used nullium,

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once Morrough was injured—you could get the phylactery and then

we'd run, and—and I can figure something out then."

Kaine's expression was closed, his gaze infuriatingly patient as he

walked over to her. "Can you safely handle explosives while pregnant?"

Her throat closed. "We could work together—I could tell you how

to— "

Kaine picked up her hand and laid it against his. His fingers twitched

several times, and Helena's entire hand spasmed.

"Which of us has hands steady enough to build a bomb?"

Helena snatched hers away, curling her fingers into a fist so tight she

could feel metacarpal bones under her fingertips. The room swam,

threatening to topple her from the bed. She braced her other hand

firmly against the mattress to steady herself. "Well, maybe if I—"

"Helena, I'm tired."

She looked up and saw it in his eyes. The war had eaten him; it had

carved him to the bone and not stopped even then. He was scarcely

more than a ghost.

She had known, from the moment she'd seen the array on his back,

that if he survived it, it would drive him to distil his world to a single

point and he would never stray from it. He had made that point her.

He could not stop so long as she was in danger, and it had worn him

almost to nothing. He just wanted an endpoint to look towards.

Her shoulders shook. "But . . . I want to save you back."

"I know." He said it gently. "And if anyone could, it would be you.

But I would like to say goodbye to you before you're gone, and you are

losing yourself in this."

He pulled her into his arms, his chin resting on the top of her head.

But her mind would not stop racing. When he left, she went back to

her research. Starting from scratch. When she heard him coming, she

put everything away and didn't mention it. He knew anyway, but they

pretended.

She kissed him. Pushed him back against the bed and slid her legs

up until she was on his lap, fingers threaded through his pale hair as she

moulded her body against his, wanting all of him.

As he kissed down her neck, she found the buttons and fastenings

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914 • SenLinYu

on his clothes until she could touch his skin, shoving his shirt down off

his shoulders, guiding his hands to her waist.

His hands gripped her, thumbs pressed against her lower ribs, arch-

ing her closer.

Her hands shook as she began unbuttoning her dress, fingers trem-

bling so badly that they fumbled with the buttons. Kaine tried to close

his hands over hers, but she jerked them free.

"I want this," she said, voice shaking. "I want this on our terms before

I go— please . . ."

Her voice cracked.

"This was ours . . ." She swallowed, blinking hard. "They took it from

us, but it was ours."

She managed the rest of the buttons and let her dress slip off, pool-

ing at her waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him

close, kissing him.

She stayed astride him, her thighs bracketing his hips as their bodies

joined. His fingers curled against her waist, but he didn't push her down,

didn't make her move beyond the pace that she felt ready for. He gave a

low groan as she rolled her hips forward.

She tried not to remember, not to compare it to any other time, just

trying to dwell on the now, grounding herself in the moment, but it was

familiar . . .

She remembered it being like this before, slow and intimate. The

burning reverence of his touch when he'd made love to her.

That's what it had been. Making love. It was what they'd had.

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CHAPTER 71

Julius 1789

Helena was corroding like metal; dissolving, decaying,

flecking away into pieces. There was a constant pain in her chest as she

felt herself come apart.

There were so many things she wanted to say to Kaine, but she could

scarcely think them without her throat beginning to ache and her heart

pounding and she would start crying. She'd never been particularly

prone to crying before, but the pregnancy seemed to rip it out of her.

The countdown to her departure slowly tearing her apart.

One day instead of crying, she snapped and raged at him.

His plans were stupid and selfish. It wasn't fair that he got to die and

she was left to live with everything. If he'd let her help rescue Lila, none

of this might have happened. If he'd just trusted her and not been so

controlling, if he'd let them work together—everything might have

been different. It was all his fault.

He let her say it all, until she was gasping for breath, hand clawing

at her chest, trying to force her heart to beat evenly, and when he had to

do it for her, she tried to tear his hands off.

When his father called him away, she was left to seethe and realise

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916 • SenLinYu

he was doing this intentionally.

He knew the destructive ways her mind tilted. Since the moment

she'd arrived at Spirefell, he'd gone out of his way to needle and antago-

nise, trying to provoke her. He'd given her a target. When she'd hated

him, she'd been less self-destructive.

If she was angry now, it would make leaving easier.

He was managing her. She swallowed her anger, but all her emotions

sat like poison inside her.

A lorry brought a fresh batch of prisoners to Spirefell, and Kaine

was gone again.

Helena couldn't help but wonder at the relationship between Kaine

and his father. They were both unveiled in their contempt for each other.

Atreus seemed to find so much in his son to despise, and yet seemed to

constantly find reasons to need him. While Kaine blamed his father for

the tragedy of his mother, and yet Atreus was among the Undying he'd

spared, despite seeming an easy target.

Helena was sitting numb with despair when the door opened.

She looked up, blood running cold as one of the uniformed lorry

guards stepped into the room.

He tilted back the cap on his head, and it was Ivy.

Helena stared with deadened surprised as Ivy gave a tentative smile.

"You were hard to get to."

Helena didn't move. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to rescue you."

Ivy had no sooner spoken than there was a scream of metal as the

iron around the door warped inwards, barring the door. Ivy whirled and

tried the door, finding it completely immobile. She turned and started

to move towards Helena.

"Don't," Helena said sharply, standing up. "The last time someone

came and got too close, he broke almost every bone in their body before

he arrived."

Ivy froze, the look of a caged animal filling her eyes. However diffi-

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cult Helena had been to reach, this was clearly not a well-plotted rescue.

"Why are you here?" Helena said, staring at the girl. She was a girl.

She was so young. "You've known I was a prisoner here since last year.

Why are you here now?"

Ivy drew back and then moved around Helena in a wide arc, making

for the window, rattling it forcefully, and trying to break the panes of

glass. The girl had lost her touch, or perhaps been too impulsive, too

misguided in what she thought the difficulty of the infiltration would

be.

"I thought you were here for interrogation," Ivy said. "I didn't know

the High Reeve would do— " Her eyes flicked to Helena's stomach. "—

that to you."

Helena scoffed. "They're doing the same to plenty of girls in Central.

Why do you care about me?"

Ivy stilled. "Sofia liked you. Wanted me to be your friend. She was

always telling me that I should be more like you. That I should help

people. I never listened."

"I don't want to be your friend," Helena said coldly. "Your sister is

dead. You betrayed us all for a corpse."

"I know!" Ivy's voice rang with grief as she whirled to face Helena,

face pale, eyes bright. "I know, but I couldn't—I couldn't let her be dead.

I thought—" Her face crumpled. "—I told myself she was just hurt, but

she would come back. But she doesn't. She—can't. Even if she did, she

would never forgive me for all this. Would she?"

Helena felt no sympathy. "You cost us everything. Even if we were

always going to lose, there were people who could have run, they could

have fled if they'd had time. But you made sure they didn't."

As she spoke, the doors warped, metal screaming, and Kaine walked

in. The wrought iron peeled itself from the floor, elongating into count-

less points, all aimed at Ivy. A flick of his hand and Ivy would be run

through from every side.

She could try to run, but she would not make it two steps.

Ivy turned to face him, her face strangely resigned.

"What an unexpected traitor," Kaine said with complete insincerity.

"I have to admit I thought you were too smart to fall into a trap this

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918 • SenLinYu

obvious."

Ivy gave a bitter smile and shook her head almost sadly. "You don't

remember me, do you. I thought eventually you might."

Kaine studied her. "I can't say I do."

"I was different when we first met. Smaller. Screaming."

Kaine shook his head, as if that could have been countless people.

"I used to wear two braids. With bows." Ivy gestured along her

shoulders with both hands. "After the Undying killed my parents, they

used them to drag me across the floor and put them in your hands. You

were younger then, too."

Recognition slowly dawned in Kaine's eyes.

Ivy pressed her lips together, inhaling. "When you ran away, the

other Undying went after you. Forgot all about my sister and me. I tried

to cut my mother's head off with the cake knife to make her stop what

she was doing to Sofia. That was when I realised what I could do with

my hands." She looked down at her fingers. "After we got away, Sofia

was still alive but she—it was like she was in a dream. She didn't move

unless I moved her or eat unless I fed her. We hid in the slums. When

she finally woke up, the last thing she remembered was that it had been

my birthday. She didn't remember any of it. We would have died, if not

for you."

Kaine's expression grew contemptuous. "Another reason to regret my

actions that day."

Ivy looked confused until Kaine reached into his coat and drew an

obsidian dagger. Then her sharp eyes widened, not with fear but sur-

prise, almost joy. "You're the killer."

He smiled. "Yes, and you, in particular, I've been looking forward to."

Ivy looked towards Helena. "And you knew?" She looked between

them. "Is this all pretend?"

"In a way," Helena said. She hadn't thought she'd mind seeing Ivy

killed, but it seemed she was doomed to feel some pity for anyone she

understood. Crowther had mentioned that Ivy had come from the

slums and worked for him in exchange for her sister's protection. If

Sofia had been in a fugue state, it was no wonder Ivy had been able to

cling to the fantasy that Sofia was still alive.

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Alchemised • 919

"Don't kill her," Helena said.

Kaine glanced at her. "You can't expect me to spare her."

Helena shook her head. "I don't think she expects to be spared," she

said, suspecting she was about to make a terrible mistake, but there was

so little reason left not to risk everything. She looked towards Ivy. "The

Undying are all doomed. You know that, don't you?"

Ivy nodded. Helena doubted that she had become Undying out of

any interest in immortality; more likely it had been a condition of Mor-

rough's, like Kaine, a leash around a lethal vivimancer's throat.

"Will you help us?" Helena asked.

Ivy's sharp eyes jumped between Helena and Kaine, her expression

wary and calculating, but she inclined her head.

"No," Kaine said sharply. "She can't be trusted." He turned on Hel-

ena, and his resonance hummed ominously, the iron in the room giving

a bone-shuddering groan. "She'll say anything to get out of this room

alive, and then she'll betray you, just like she betrayed everyone else."

Helena looked at Ivy and back to Kaine. "I think we can. She owes

you. She owes you years of her sister's life. She'll do this for Sofia."

"What do you need?" Ivy asked. Her eyes were sharp and curious,

that bright look that Helena remembered well.

Helena looked at her. "Kaine's phylactery. It's part of the outer bone

of Morrough's right arm."

Ivy trembled almost imperceptibly. It was clearly more than she'd

bargained for. "Why?"

Helena looked at her and then at Kaine. "I need it to save him."

Ivy nodded slowly. "I'll try. If there's a way, I'll find it."

"You won't survive, if you do this," Helena said, watching Ivy, begin-

ning to doubt herself but unable to stop. Any chance was better than

none.

Ivy lifted her chin. "I'm doing this for Sofia. She can't be hurt any-

more. It doesn't matter what happens to me." She looked at Kaine. "You

were the reason I could save her once. So this will be my thanks for

that."

"I don't want your thanks," Kaine said, his lip curling, but Helena

clasped his wrist, urging him to lower his arm. He glared at her. "This is

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920 • SenLinYu

not worth it. She's not even competent."

Helena rose up and spoke softly so her voice wouldn't carry. "Tell me,

truthfully, would you have been any different if you thought it could

save your mother? Say no, and I'll let you kill her."

His jaw clenched, and he lowered the knife.

"Get out before I change my mind," he said.

Ivy hesitated a moment, and Helena nodded, urging her to go

quickly. Quick as a flash, she darted across the room, weaving around

the iron and out the door. The room slowly reassembled itself, and Kaine

stared at Helena, accusation in his eyes.

"After everything, you'll risk it all on this?" he asked.

"If it saves you, it's worth it."

"And if it doesn't?"

She looked around. She didn't even feel any sense of hope or trust

that this could work; she simply couldn't sit in idle despair any longer.

"Then I'll die knowing I tried everything, which is more happily than

I'll live if I leave you here. She has nothing to gain from betraying us.

She's already lost everything."

He shoved the obsidian knife back into its sheath. "Well, I imagine

we'll find out in short order."

He left and returned with two knives, one the obsidian and the other

a part of her old set he'd recovered from the bombing, and a suicide pill.

If Ivy betrayed them, and he couldn't reach her in time, she'd have a

chance of a quick escape for herself and the baby.

The day passed with a relentless intensity. Night came, and nothing

happened except word that Shiseo's envoy was crossing into Novis. A

few days were all that was left, and time would run out, regardless of

what Ivy did.

When the house was dark and silent, Kaine came to her. They took

every moment together slowly. There was no time left; they couldn't

waste it by rushing.

She lay in his arms, listening to his heart. When she tried to picture

home, this feeling was what she thought of. She rolled onto her back

and found his hand, pressing it against the swell of her hips.

"That's her," she said. "I'll—" Her throat grew tight. "I'll probably be

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Alchemised • 921

able to feel her move within the next month. The book says it feels like

fluttering at first."

She had to swallow hard to keep speaking.

"It's called quickening—when you first feel a baby move." She drew

a deep breath. "If you use your resonance, you'll be able to feel her now.

If you want."

His hand twitched and he hesitated.

"We can do it together," she said. "You should meet her."

The next day, rather than walk the hedge maze, Kaine took her

back to the courtyard.

She froze, heart in her throat at the smell of old blood and decom-

position trapped there in the still summer air. Her stomach threatening

to upend.

At least thirty prisoners had been brought to Spirefell since Atreus

had returned. Helena didn't know if it was better or worse if any of them

were still alive.

"Do we have to walk here?" she asked.

Kaine looked at her. There was a risk they were being watched, and

so his expression was chilly and indifferent, but his voice was soft. "Just

this once. It won't take long."

She forced a nod.

The courtyard was much more beautiful in summer. The vines that

had covered the house like blackened veins in winter had bloomed into

climbing roses which covered the front of the house.

There were still two necrothralls stationed at the front of the house,

barely more than bones now, and Helena eyed them warily as Kaine let

the way across the courtyard garden.

"You don't need to worry about them," he said under his breath.

"Morrough is too preoccupied with himself to waste effort on his necro-

thralls. Their senses are nearly gone, and he hasn't noticed. Come. There's

a reunion that's rather overdue."

It dawned on her, then, where they were going.

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922 • SenLinYu

"Amaris . . ."

Kaine unlocked the stable door. "She had a hard time when you first

arrived."

The door swung open, and in the dim light of the stable, an enor-

mous black shadow unfurled itself from the corner and stood, wings

arching and stretching. The chimaera came forward, the heavy chain

dragging behind her.

"I was afraid she'd give us away if I let her near you. She has quite the

reputation nowadays," he said. "You were the only other person she's

ever taken to."

Helena considered that a rather generous description of her rela-

tionship with Amaris.

Her mouth went dry. Amaris had grown. She was several hands

taller, and her immense yellow eyes glowed in the low light. Helena

remembered the chimaera being so careful and gentle around Kaine

when he was injured, the way she used to curl against Helena's back,

blocking out the cold, but she had a far starker memory of entering the

stable and being nearly bitten in half.

She took a nervous step back. "I'm not sure that she remembers me."

Kaine held up a hand, and Amaris stopped. "Oh, that. That wasn't

you. That was the necrothralls. She can't stand them." Amaris was bob-

bing her head impatiently. He stepped closer and rumpled her fur.

"She's tolerates the staff, but any of Morrough's reanimations that get

close— well."

He glanced at Helena. "She very much remembers you. Howled for

half the day when you arrived."

Helena stepped hesitantly closer and let Amaris sniff and nuzzle at

her fingers. When she didn't lose her hand, she took a step closer.

"You and Shiseo will take her with you when you go," Kaine said

when she hazarded to rest a hand on Amaris's head. "Fly at night. It'll

take a few days to reach Lila, but you'll be hard to track down that way."

He rubbed Amaris's shoulder just beneath an immense wing. "You'll

leave her, when you take the ship."

Helena's hand stilled. "Leave her?"

"She'll be fine," he said, but his voice was gruff. "She can hunt for

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Alchemised • 923

herself, and she doesn't like most humans, so she'll avoid populated

areas. With luck, she'll head back to Paladia looking for me. End up in

the mountains."

"But doesn't she need someone to—the transmutations on her have

to be maintained if she's still growing."

His jaw ticked. "There's only one surviving chimaera from the war,

and everyone knows who it belongs to. If she's sighted, that will be

enough to give an ambitious Aspirant a direction to hunt you down.

You have to leave her."

He rested his head against Amaris, and her wings fluttered. She

turned her neck to nip at him.

"We'll go out together, won't we, old girl? Bennet's last two mon-

sters."

The air in the stable was burning her eyes. Helena turned and walked

out.

The air near the house was fresher, and she drew several forceful

gasps, her hand pressed over her heart until she heard quick steps and

looked up to see Aurelia storming down the stairs towards her.

Aurelia was pale, her eyes flashing with rage. She was wearing a

pale-pink dress splashed with scarlet detailing. As she got closer, Hel-

ena noticed that the hem and her shoes were also scarlet.

"Where is Kaine?"

"Aurelia." Kaine's voice emerged from the dark interior of the stable.

"What did I tell you about speaking to my prisoner?"

Aurelia whirled towards the stable. "I need to talk to you! How am I

supposed to stay away from her and ever talk to you when you're always

with her?"

Kaine stepped out of the stable, eyes glittering. "What do you want?"

Aurelia's throat worked several times. "I need you to talk to your fa-

ther. He's ruining the house."

Kaine raised an eyebrow, looking unconcerned. "I thought you were

pleased that he'd come to stay."

Aurelia's eyes bulged in her head. "That was before he turned the

house into a torture chamber. It was one thing when it stayed in the

storehouse, but he's bringing them inside! There are piles of body parts

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924 • SenLinYu

all over, and I walked into a pool of blood because he flayed someone in

the middle of the foyer."

Helena realised then that Aurelia's dress was not scarlet-detailed at

all.

"I advised that you stay in the city," Kaine said, appearing indifferent

to all this. "But you refused because my father said something about

domination livening the blood, and you thought, what?" He leaned to-

wards her, lip curling. "That I might set my sights on you?"

Aurelia had gone white as a sheet with two scarlet blotches staining

her cheeks. "I am your wife."

Kaine cocked his head to one side. "I didn't ask for you."

"What's this?" Atreus had emerged from the storehouse. There was

blood up to his elbows, and a long knife used for gutting fish in his

hand.

Aurelia started, clutching at her throat with her iron-ringed hands,

shrinking towards Kaine, but Kaine drifted away from her, just happen-

ing to insert himself between Helena and his father as they faced each

other.

"I'm afraid Aurelia doesn't care much for what we've done to the

house, Father," Kaine said. "I believe she finds us rather—uncivilised."

Atreus stared at Kaine for a moment, Crowther's narrow nostrils

flaring in a way that Helena recognised as suppressed anger. "Does she?

I suppose it is rather excessive. I was waiting for you to object. I thought

at some point surely you'd feel a sense of ownership. You did grow up

here . . ." His voice trailing off as he turned to stare at the immense

house which towered around them. "This was your mother's house. She

planted those roses the summer we wed."

Atreus's grip on his knife tightened, and for a moment Helena felt

Kaine's resonance in her teeth.

"I'm afraid the estate has never had much sentimental charm for

me," Kaine said. "Perhaps if you'd come back sooner, you might have

made the effort of maintaining it."

"Yes, you seem intent on destroying everything this family has ever

built," Atreus said, his face contorting so much, it seemed the dead grey

skin might tear as he glared at his son. "What sin did your mother ever

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Alchemised • 925

commit to deserve such a son?"

Kaine leaned forward, a razor-thin smile spreading across his face,

pure contempt in his eyes. "I believe it was when she married you."

Fury seemed to ignite inside Atreus, but Aurelia broke in.

"See? See? I told you. It is all his doing! I have been a perfect wife.

You should have seen this hideous mouldering place when he brought

me. I've done everything to be a proper wife that I have had means to,

trying to restore this house, to get rid of all the ugly fussy old-fashioned

things everywhere, and to make it the heart of society. Everything de-

cent in this house is because of me. I'm just like your wife, I—"

Atreus turned sharply. There was a wet schick and a gasping burble

as Aurelia stopped speaking.

She reached up towards her neck as a line of blood gushed from a slit

across her throat. She blinked once, mouth opening, but no sound came

out, only a blood- filled gasp, and then her head toppled backwards, slit

throat opening, body following, and she collapsed onto the white gravel.

Her pink dress turned redder and redder.

Helena had to cram her hand against her mouth to smother the

sound that nearly escaped her.

The side of her neck burned as her heart began pounding, but she

couldn't move as Atreus glared down at his former daughter-in-law, the

fish knife dangling once more from his fingertips, a drop of blood on

the curved tip.

"Do not ever compare yourself to my wife," he said, staring down at

Aurelia.

Kaine made no move except to step forward and block the sight of

Aurelia's slit throat from Helena's view.

"I hope you intend to deal with the Ingram family," he said. "Given

that you contracted me into marrying her."

"What can they do?" Atreus said with a sneer that Helena knew well.

It was eerie seeing Kaine's traits in Crowther's dead face. "You clearly

had no intention of ever putting an heir inside her."

Atreus leaned down, pulling Aurelia's body up off the ground by an

arm. "I'll deal with this, but once this matter is resolved, you will give

me the name of a woman you will cooperate in marrying and producing

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926 • SenLinYu

a guild heir with. Otherwise, once I've found the last member of the

Eternal Flame and gifted them to the High Necromancer, I will request

that he order your cooperation in producing an heir, and I will choose

the bride."

Atreus turned and disappeared into the house, dragging Aurelia

with him. The scent of the roses mixed the coppery tang of fresh blood.

Helena turned and walked away, heading towards the far wing of the

house. Once they were inside, in a hallway where they couldn't be

watched, she stopped. Kaine was only steps behind her. She knew he

was about to ask if she was all right, but she spoke first.

"You planned that."

He froze for an instant. "What makes you say that?" His voice was

light.

"Because she's a loose end. If you'll let Amaris die, you won't let Au-

relia live."

His expression hardened. "What did you expect? She tried to gouge

out your eyes."

Helena flinched at the memory of Aurelia's talons hooking behind

her eyeball. Her terror of being blinded, left in the dark forever. "I

haven't forgotten."

"I would have killed her then, but it diverted suspicion to have a

pretty wife in the house. Living here alone with you could have at-

tracted attention. That was the only reason I let her live."

Helena nodded listlessly. None of that surprised her, but it didn't

change anything, either. "I hate it when you kill people because of me,"

she said.

She reached up, pressing her left hand against the scar on her neck,

remembering her father's face and the horrible gash below his jaw. That

mockery of his smile as her last memory of him.

There was so much easy, indifferent death. It had bled together. The

quantity had grown beyond a tragedy, into a figure so large it was almost

abstract. Even for her, after so many years of fighting for every life,

pouring herself into preserving them, eventually she had ceased to

bleed. There was so much death, it was scarcely comprehensible.

She and Kaine stood in the centre of it.

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Alchemised • 927

"There's so much more to you," she said, "but sometimes I feel like all

I do is bring out the worst. You would never go so far if it weren't for me.

You wouldn't be like this. I did this to you."

"You're right. I don't imagine I would."

"I used to have so many dreams for us," she said, voice thickening.

"When I'd worry about you, when I'd do things I didn't want to, when

the war felt so heavy that I was sure I'd break under it, I'd tell myself:

Someday you're going to run away with him. Somewhere quiet. You

won't ask for very much, just you and him, and that will be enough." A

lump welled up in her throat, and she shook her head. "That was all I

wanted. It was my whole dream, to see what we could be away from the

war. I thought it would all be worth it for that."

She exhaled, right hand clenching, feeling the scars from the amulet

across her palm. "But look at everything we've done, and it still wasn't

enough. I guess in the end, I am like Luc. I thought that we could suffer

enough to earn each other."

He said nothing, and she was so tired of his resignation.

"Why are you always so ready to die?" she said, whirling on him even

though she'd sworn to herself that she wouldn't be angry anymore.

"Even at the beginning when you made your offer to Crowther, you

were already planning to die, like it didn't matter to anyone. But why are

you still like that now, when it does?"

Kaine sighed, jaw jutting forward. His thumb pressing against the

ring on his hand. "I didn't have anyone, Helena," he said quietly. "After

my mother died, I was alone. My life was blown apart when I went

home at sixteen, and everything I did from that point on was to keep

from losing the only thing I had left. When she died—it didn't matter.

Revenge was all I could do to make up for it, and dying for that didn't

matter to anyone— not until you came along."

His voice grew bitter. She looked down at the floor.

"I didn't make plans past the war because there were never any plans

to make. Holdfast, the Eternal Flame, they were never going to win,

and I always knew that. Falling for you didn't change that—it just . . . It

just made knowing worse."

The lights flickered, and a distant buzzing came from the main wing.

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Kaine tensed, his head snapping right. "Something's wrong. He

never uses that to call for me anymore. Go to your room and bar the

door."

He left quickly. She watched from the window as he emerged in

uniform, including the helmet that concealed his hair. He led out Ama-

ris, swinging onto her back, and then they were gone, flying towards the

city.

Helena waited. In less than an hour, a motorcar came. She watched

it pull up, a knife in hand. Had Ivy been captured or betrayed them?

Was the summons meant to lure Kaine away from the estate?

Instead Atreus emerged in uniform, sliding into the rear. The motor-

car pulled away.

What had Ivy done?

It was the middle of the night when she heard the door disbarred

from the outside.

Kaine entered, still in uniform, his helmet in his hand.

His expression was unreadable.

"We received word that while the Eastern envoy was passing through

Novis, the train was attacked. Everyone on board was killed—including

Shiseo."