Sanshier nearly jumped out of his boots."Hundreds? Thousands? Since when did bandits come with group-purchase discounts?!"
Mr. Bai sighed like a man who had watched too much bad opera."More than half a month ago, Baishui Wang rebelled and stormed the county seat—is that news reaching your ears?"
Sanshier waved his hands."Of course I know! Why else would I be hiding in Gaojia Village, cultivating my inner peace?"
Mr. Bai continued, "After Wang Er rebelled, he immediately dragged a few hundred rebels into the mountains."
Sanshier: "…"
Mr. Bai went on, voice heavy with the exhaustion of a man who has witnessed too much Ming-dynasty nonsense."He became a terrible example. Peasants everywhere—those who couldn't pay taxes—decided, 'Oh, rebellion is trending now,' and followed his lead. Inspector Cheng Xu has maybe a hundred troops. One hundred! He's not Zhuge Liang, he can't clone himself. How is he supposed to stamp out rebellions popping up like mushrooms after the rain? He suppresses them in the east, they rise in the west; he runs to the west, they bloom again in the east. Rumor says he's been sighing so much he's begun seeing his great-grandmother waving at him."
Li Daoxuan almost burst out laughing.Cheng Xu?The same military officer he once scared away with nothing but a female-ghost giggle?So that guy has been playing real-life whack-a-mole for days. Serves him right.
Sanshier, puzzled, asked, "I've been hiding in a tiny village these days, no news at all. If there are rebellions everywhere and Cheng Xu's troops are weak, shouldn't he request reinforcements from the court?"
Mr. Bai threw up his hands."We've submitted reports. Many officials, local gentry, and I all signed together. But Governor Hu Tingyan of Shaanxi—old, confused, and terrified of responsibility—keeps hiding the reports. He's scared the imperial court will punish him for mismanagement, so he has buried every piece of news."
Sanshier froze, unable to speak.
Gao Chuwu scratched his head."That line you said earlier… 'wait until next spring'… what does THAT mean?"
Mr. Bai didn't bother explaining to such a simple-looking farmer.But Sanshier whispered, "It means: let the rebels loot however they want. When spring comes next year, they'll naturally stop. Why? Because it's time to go home and farm."
Gao Chuwu: "!!"Nearby villagers: "!!"
Everyone went silent. A long, heavy silence.
And then Gao Chuwu exploded."So I can just grab a knife right now, rob anyone I see, and nobody will bother me?! Then when spring comes, I go home and plant crops like nothing happened, and I'm a respectable citizen again?!"
No one answered him, but Sanshier and Mr. Bai's grim faces said enough.
Gao Chuwu cursed."This dynasty is upside down!"
Gao Yiye slapped the back of his head."Brother Chuwu, calm down! Don't get corrupted!"
He shut up instantly. Being slapped by the village saintess did wonders for emotional management.
With Tianzun watching over Gaojia Village, they didn't need to go out robbing.Besides, Tianzun absolutely despised bandits. His method of punishment was simple: one divine slap, instant meat patty.
Anyone who tried becoming a bandit in Gaojia Village would probably be served as tomorrow's "divine minced meat."
Outside, the shouting of bandits suddenly rose.
A moment later, a man strutted forward and yelled toward the village, neck stretched like a rooster:"Which rich man built that wall? Get out here and talk!"
The villagers all looked at Gao Yiye.
She stepped forward, but Sanshier blocked her."Miss Gao, you're the saintess. Speaking to these people lowers your dignity. And insulting you is insulting Tianzun. I would rather die. Just relay the Heavenly Venerable's decree, and I'll handle the talking."
Gao Yiye nodded quietly.
Sanshier stepped up to the front and barked, "Who are you scoundrels to trespass on my Gaojia Village?! Get lost!"
He had served as a master for many years; his aura alone could intimidate ordinary folks.
The bandits, seeing him at the front, assumed he was the wealthy lord of the village.They shouted back:"So you're in charge! Good! Hand over ten shi of grain in half an hour, and we leave you alive. Refuse, and all our heroes will charge in, and your little wall will fall just like Baijiabao!"
They clearly didn't want to fight—they knew this two-zhang-high wall would cost them plenty of lives to breach. Better to intimidate a 'rich landlord' into handing over food.
A thief who usually reasons with fists was now trying to reason with words.The wall had forced them into civility.Miracles happened.
Sanshier glanced at Mr. Bai."Are there really that many of them?"
Mr. Bai swallowed."Many. Hundreds… maybe thousands. When they swarm, it's like a black tide. My Baijiabao collapsed instantly."
Sanshier: "Mr. Bai, should we hand over grain or defend the walls?"
Mr. Bai hesitated, looked at the towering wall, then at the villagers manning it—villagers who obviously had zero fighting experience. Even his own dozen servants fought better.
After thinking a moment, he whispered:"If you have surplus grain, give them ten shi and avoid disaster. Later, once the chaos dies down, I'll send you twenty shi from the Bai household as repayment. You know, among the Six Arts, I take 'ritual propriety' very seriously."
Sanshier didn't reply.He turned to look at Gao Yiye, clearly seeking guidance.
Mr. Bai blinked.Wait. Sanshier isn't the one in charge? This girl is? Who on earth is she…?
Gao Yiye listened carefully, then lifted her chin and declared loudly:
"Tianzun says: 'Afraid of their hammer, my ass!'"
Everyone: "…"
Madam Third wiped sweat from her brow."Saintess, when you speak on behalf of Tianzun, perhaps… polish the wording a little?"
Gao Yiye replied calmly,"Tianzun's original words were exactly that: 'Afraid of their hammer.'"
Madam Third: "…"
A bizarre stillness filled the air.
Then Gao Chuwu suddenly burst out laughing."HAHAHAHA! Tianzun has spoken! Afraid of their hammer!"
Zheng Daniu joined in, "Exactly! Afraid of their hammer!"
The two blacksmiths raised their giant hammers."Afraid! Of! Their! Hammer!"
One by one, the villagers dropped to their knees, kowtowed toward the heavens, and shouted in unison:
"AFRAID OF THEIR HAMMER!"
Hundreds of voices erupted together—loud enough to stun the birds from trees and freeze the bandits mid-breath.
Outside, the bandits stared, bewildered.What kind of village was this?!They offer a threat… and get a spiritual slogan shouted back at them?Give them an inch, they want the whole river?Offer them wine, they want vinegar?!
Mr. Bai was even more dumbfounded."What… what is going on in this village? This atmosphere feels very wrong…"