I've been stuck on this machine for months now and I barely feel alive.I just wish I could unplug the machine myself and just rest...but __I can't ,if I do that my mother would lose herself completely.She's still sitting in the corner of the bed holding my hand and waiting for me to wake up,she always does this...
"Mom??."she slowly opened her eyes and when she noticed I was awake her eyes lit up,I could tell by the circles in her eyes that she hasn't slept for days which means I've been asleep longer these days.I can barely track time and days I guess I'm slowly fading away and there's nothing I can do about it"Hey my little pumpkin,you're awake."She held my hands a bit firmer then she was but made sure I wasn't getting hurt.She got up and bent down at the corner of the bed ,I wonder what she was getting.Her hands rose with a cake in her hand and although I could tell just by looking at her eyes that she had been crying but she seemed a lot happier today,she got closer to my face and kissed my cheek and whispered"Happy Birthday Kao!!."I had already forgotten that it was my birthday.No, to be honest I didn't know it was my birthday"It's already your 21st birthday,I can't believe how you've grown up."She made it seem as if me growing up was a huge blessing for her when it was only a burden.
I've had liver cancer ever since I was 19 ,I don't know how or why it happened but it just did.Ever since then mom has been trying to get a donor for me,she's gone to every donation centre you can think of but there was never a match for me,it was as if God had forsaken me.I've watched her pray and curse him at the same time but nothing ever seemed to work and the hospital bills were always on her neck,although she tried to hide it but I knew she hadn't payed the hospital this month but she still bought me a cake"Thanks mom.You didn't have to ,you could have just saved that money to do something for yourself."She smiled lightly"You have always been a sweet boy."she slowly stroked my short black hair as if I was a cat but I enjoyed it very much and she knew that.I got up from the bed and we ate the cake as she talked about old and fond memories of me as a child and all the naughty things I used to do and we laughed.i can't remember the last time we laughed together like this.It used to be three of us me,her and dad but when I was 10 he suddenly left us.He didn't leave a note or message to tell us what happened.
Mom thought something had happened to him ,so she went to the police station to report him missing,that's when he called her and told her to stop looking for him and that he was done with us.Mom had thought I was too naive to notice or hear anything so she made up a white lie that he had an important job overseas and she doesn't know how long it will take him to get back.
I knew he wasn't coming back but I didn't want to make any sadder than she already was.Her phone suddenly rang and I caught a glimpse of the callers name and it was written'Raymond'i know every single one of mom's close friends but not this one,maybe she finally got herself someone that would really make me happy .When she noticed who it was I could tell she was scared but was trying to hide it "I need to take this darling,wait for me okay??"I just nodded and watched her get out door and followed her but made sure she didn't noticed"Hi...yes I know ,I know...just give me a few more weeks I'll pay you back...what is it that you can't understand??I said I'll pay you back .....can't you be a little patient??....Yes...okay...Thank you bye."I quickly got back in bed and pretended I was asleep so she wouldn't have to put on that fake smile when she was drowing in debts.She kissed my forehead and took her bag and whispered "i'll see you tomorrow pumpkin,bye for now the moment she walked out the door ,I opened my eyes and just let the tears flow because I know that this is all my fault.I thought about ending it all and give her some peace and although she'll be hurt a lot but atleast I would be less of a burden to her and with that I got up from the bed and opened the drawers to get my clothes.This hospital has basically become my second home as almost everything I own is in here.i wore a matching blue sweater with some shorts and waited for night to fall ,when it did I walked out of the hospital with pain.Every single part of my body was aching I guess it must be because I haven't been moving around a lot ,I've just been laying there in bed while the doctors only tell me that I don't have long to live and I need to get a donor fast it's been the same thing for years now and I'm tired.I walked aimlessly for hours without knowing where I was headed ,that's when I spotted a tall building that was still under construction and thought to myself if I jumped from it ,no one would investigate it .It would seem like an accident occurred while I was walking besides it and no one would think I actually committed suicide and that's exactly what I wanted.
I quickly walked my way up to the roof and when I finally reached it I looked down and my heart started racing faster than I thought it would.I mean I'm not afraid of death so why am I so scared??I could feel my breathe getting heavier and my chest getting tighter and it was really cold I really regretted not wearing something warmer but what difference would it have made since I'm killing myself "Okay,you can do this Kao,you're not afraid...it's just.. "when I looked down the ground seemed further away than before "Really...really...highlights kept pacing up and down not knowing what I should do and talking to myself like a madman and what I finally seemed to have the bravery to jump ,I saw a person at first it seemed like a shadow holding a light and that really scared me.But when I got closer I realized it was actually a man ,he was just sitting at the edge of the building holding a cigarette and looking straight at me...wait...is he??He had long black hair and was wearing a long white shirt but he had rolled it up to its sleeves and was wearing black pants with one leg hanging at the edge of the building and one balanced on the top of the building and one hand holding a cigarette while the other hand was just being balanced by his knee.He puffed his cigarettes and got up ,he was a lot taller than I was .He made his way to me and I slowly walked a little further away he stopped just a few steps away from me and although it was dark i was able to see him give a smirk"Don't let me stop you,carry on with whatever it is you were doing."It was dark so I couldn't tell if he was joking or just being genuine everything about him was a bit faint but he gave me the chills I was about to answer him when he suddenly went back to where he was and lit up another cigarette and stared right at me as if waiting for a show to take place. I started getting a little bit nervous and wanted to leave "I wasn't doing anything ,I'm sorry to have disturbed you.I'll take my leave now."I quickly made my way down the stairs trying to get away.trying to kill myself is scary but him the moment he walked towards me I could feel his aura clouding every single part of my body and I didn't like that one bit.