Tajdin woke up with a migraine that could have felled an ox, a horse, and possibly the entire Bavarian dairy industry. Yesterday he'd accidentally invented the first meme-based propaganda campaign, declared war on the metric system (briefly), and caused the British Embassy to file a diplomatic complaint titled simply: "What Is Wrong With Germany?"
He hadn't meant to do any of that, of course. He'd merely wanted to resign from being Substitute Hitler — but every time he tried to step down, destiny slapped the paperwork out of his hands like an annoyed cat.
International Chaos, Round One: The Newspapers
By morning, the global press had turned his mistakes into world-shaking headlines:
THE TIMES (UK):German Leader Threatens Numbers; Scientists Confused.
LE FIGARO (FRANCE):L'Allemagne At-Elle Perdu La Tête? (Encore?)
THE NEW YORK TIMES (USA):Germany Acting Weird Again, Analysts Say.
Even neutral Switzerland got spicy:
SWISS NEUTRAL GAZETTE:We're Not Involved But We're Judging Everything.
Japan went all the way:
朝日新聞 (ASAHI):ドイツ,魚に宣戦布告(Translation: Germany Declares War on Fish)
This last one confused Germany more than Japan.
International Chaos, Round Two: Diplomats Assemble
Berlin soon filled with ambassadors who had flown, sailed, or angrily bicycled their way over for answers. They gathered in the Reich Chancellery's "Unnecessarily Grand Meeting Room," which Tajdin suspected had been designed by someone who hated chairs, comfort, and sanity.
The British Ambassador — Sir Lionel Crankshaft III — adjusted his monocle and began:
"Herr Tajdin, we must inquire about your government's stance on the metric system, seafood, and the concept of Tuesday."
Tajdin blinked.
"What… what about Tuesday?"
Sir Lionel sighed.
"Rumor has it Germany intends to abolish it."
Tajdin stared at the translators, who stared at Tajdin, who stared at destiny, who stared back like, yes, I did this, and no, I don't regret it.
"No Tuesday abolition. I promise," Tajdin declared.
The French Ambassador snapped his fingers triumphantly:
"Ha! I told you it was Wednesday they hated!"
Destiny scribbled something in an invisible notebook. Adjustments pending.
International Chaos, Round Three: Economics Goes Boom
If the political world was confused, the economic world was in outright hysteria.
Because of a speech Tajdin had given (well, technically yelled) titled "Coupons For All!", the Mark briefly became backed not by gold, but by discount vouchers for Bavarian pretzels.
Global markets crashed for four hours.
Wall Street analysts stared at graphs that resembled mountain ranges during an earthquake.
The American Secretary of the Treasury demanded clarification via telegram:
CLARIFY STOPPRETZELS LEGAL TENDER OR NOT STOPNEED ANSWER FOR MARKETS STOP
Tajdin considered the question deeply. If destiny wanted him to restore Hitler's financial havoc, this was one way.
NO STOPYES STOPPROBABLY STOP
Wall Street interpreted this as bullish.
The Mark recovered immediately.
International Chaos, Round Four: Military Grade Confusion
Meanwhile, the German Army — to its continued confusion — began preparing for war by mistake. A secret memo meant to read:
"Mobilize the troops… for spring exercises."
accidentally became:
"Mobilize the troops… for Spain."
Spain did not appreciate this surprise announcement.The Spanish Prime Minister spent an entire afternoon shouting variations of:
"WHY IS GERMANY COMING OVER HERE? WE DIDN'T INVITE THEM!"
Germany clarified it was all a misunderstanding, but unfortunately a battalion of soldiers had already taken the wrong train and appeared in Barcelona asking for directions to "the battlefield."
Locals thought they were performers.They were given hats.They performed.
Destiny took notes again:"Close enough."
Propaganda Becomes the World's First Meme
Tajdin's propaganda office — previously designed for world domination — now printed posters that made no tactical sense:
"GERMANY STRONG! (We Hope)"
"PREPARE FOR TOMORROW! (Unless Canceled)"
"JOIN THE ARMY! FREE HAT!"
Citizens loved it.Recruitment skyrocketed entirely due to the hats.
Italian leader Benito Mussolini saw Germany getting attention and demanded his propaganda ministry print posters as well, but they just wrote:
"ITALY IS HERE TOO!"
Desperate, Benito sent a fax (yes, somehow) asking Germany if they were forming an alliance or a circus.
Tajdin replied, honestly:
"Both, possibly."
Destiny Starts Intervening Aggressively
Up until now, destiny had been nudging.Now it began shoving.
Historical milestones Tajdin had derailed began reappearing:
People he discouraged from joining the Nazi Party joined anyway "just to see what happens."
Policies he canceled were re-submitted by clerks who said, "The file looked lonely."
Generals who retired came back saying, "We got bored at home."
The universe was speedrunning history.
At one point Tajdin declared:
"We will NOT rearm the entire nation!"
By nightfall, the factories were at full production. Workers claimed:
"Nobody ordered us, we just assumed."
Tajdin realized that destiny wasn't going to wait for him to make decisions — it was crowdsourcing WWII through enthusiastic volunteers.
Geopolitical Misunderstandings as Olympic Sport
Foreign leaders met in Geneva for what newspapers called:"Conference to Determine Whether Germany Has Lost Its Mind."
The British delegation suspected Germany was plotting something brilliant.
The French delegation suspected Germany was plotting something stupid.
Both were correct.
The American representative looked exhausted and summarized global sentiment in one sentence:
"If Germany is planning war, they are doing it very badly."
Meanwhile, Tajdin snuck into the conference as "Interpreter #4" to convince them Germany was harmless.Instead, he accidentally invented the phrase:
"We are only mildly dangerous."
Which scared everyone more, for reasons unclear.
Media Reactions Reach Maximum Absurdity
Radio broadcasters sensationalized everything:
BBC RADIO:
"Germany has stated they are not dangerous, only 'mildly' so. Mildly dangerous nations historically include bees and toaster ovens."
CBS RADIO (USA):
"Jazz stocks are up, Germany is weird, stay tuned for baseball."
RADIO TOKYO:
"Germany denies war intentions but sends soldiers to Spain by accident. Possibly trend?"
The World's First Multilateral Apology Tour
After three weeks of escalating nonsense, Tajdin was forced to meet world leaders one by one to apologize.
He apologized to:
Spain (for invading recreationally)
France (for scaring them recreationally)
Britain (for declaring war on measurement)
Japan (for the fish issue)
Switzerland (just in case)
Destiny, however, was already preparing the main event. The historical timeline was nearly repaired — all it needed was Tajdin to stop resisting and embrace his fate as Ersatz Hitler.
Tajdin, naturally, decided to resist more aggressively.
He tried to resign again.
Destiny responded by revealing that all exit doors had mysteriously become entrance doors, trapping him in a loop like a slapstick sketch written by Nietzsche.
End of Chapter 12 — To Be Continued
The world was confused.Diplomats were tired.Markets were caffeinated.Destiny was smug.And Tajdin — poor Tajdin — was one minor historical mishap away from starting WWII by accident, exactly as intended by cosmic scheduling.
History was almost fixed, and it hated being behind