"By 1935, Europe found itself on the precipice of an unprecedented geopolitical shift. Alliances formed. Treaties dissolved. And Tajdin — a man whose only ambition was to not be Hitler — accidentally became the gravitational center of global stupidity."
Cut to: Tajdin screaming into a pillow.
ACT I — The Strategic Situation (According to Maps That Lied)
Maps appeared across war rooms worldwide, each incorrect in its own unique way:
Britain's map labeled Germany as "Potential Problem Maybe"
France's map labeled Germany as "Definitely Problem"
Italy's map labeled Germany as "Best Friend (Maybe?)"
USSR's map labeled everything as "The Future"
Japan's map included a sketch of a fish with a question mark
The United States did not display a map at all, insisting it was "not our issue yet" and instead studying baseball scores.
Destiny, watching from the cosmic HR office, checked a clipboard labeled Timeline Objectives:
□ Hitler takes power □ Germany rattles Europe □ World War II happens □ Everyone stressed □ Allies win □ History textbooks complain for 80 years
Only the first box was checked, and technically that had been done through identity theft, so destiny sighed and put a star next to it.
ACT II — The Personality EditionUnited Kingdom
Britain held a cabinet meeting that felt like a tea party with anxiety issues.
PM: "Germany appears to be rearming."
Foreign Secretary: "Yes, but are they rearming rudely or merely impolitely?"
Defense Minister: "I propose sending a stern letter."
PM: "Seconded!"
Narration:"Britain's strategic doctrine at this time relied heavily on stern letters."
They drafted one beginning with:
"Dear Germany, Kindly cease alarming Europe."
The letter was sent by courier pigeon due to budget cuts.
France
France had taken up chain-smoking not just as a hobby but as a diplomatic strategy.
French General: "We cannot allow Germany to become strong."
President: "Oui, but we also cannot allow war. War is inconvenient, like Mondays."
They stared at the Maginot Line, pride swelling in their chests like baguettes left to proof too long.
General: "No one will ever bypass this."
The documentary narrator cleared his throat loudly.
Italy
Mussolini threw a tantrum because no one was paying attention to him.
Benito: "I declare war!"
Advisor: "On who, Duce?"
Benito: "I do not know yet! I will decide after lunch!"
He stomped away dramatically, tripped over a chair, then added:
"I meant to do that."
Destiny checked Italy's timeline box labeled Comic Relief and put a heart sticker next to it.
Soviet Union
Stalin sat in his office surrounded by paperwork.
"We sign treaties. We break treaties. We sign them again. This is diplomacy."
USSR diplomacy resembled a game of Uno played with live grenades.Their foreign policy memo simply read:
Objective: Advance communism Method: ???? Result: Profit
Middle line circled thrice.
United States
America was busy not participating.
Roosevelt listened to advisors drone on about Europe while he fed peanuts to his dog.
Advisor: "Sir, Germany is doing strange things again."
FDR: "Which strange things?"
Advisor: "All of them."
America nodded wisely, then concluded:
"Wake me if someone accidentally invades Poland."
Japan
Japan stood dramatically on a cliff, staring at oceans as wind whipped its uniform.
"Germany dishonored fish," murmured the Minister of Navy, still furious about that headline.
The army didn't care about fish.The navy cared only about fish.The emperor cared only about not getting yelled at by either group.
Destiny scribbled: "Japan = wildcard" and underlined it twice.
ACT III — Corporate Diplomacy Mode
The League of Nations convened an emergency conference, which resembled a dysfunctional corporate quarterly review.
A giant world map was displayed like a PowerPoint slide.
The Chair (Switzerland, of course):
"Agenda Item One: Germany."
Tajdin, representing Germany, cleared his throat and began a speech titled:
"Reasons We Are Not a Threat, Please Stop Panicking."
Before he could continue, France hit the "Opponent Comments" button.
"We disagree with everything Germany is about to say."
Germany had not yet spoken.
Britain chimed in:
"We support France's right to disagree, pending further tea."
Japan submitted a question:
"Is this meeting about fish?"
Italy raised a hand and declared:
"I intend to form an alliance with someone glamorous."
No one acknowledged this.
The United States dialed in remotely and said:
"This meeting could have been an email."
Destiny, observing through the cosmic projector, threw stress balls at the screen.
ACT IV — Destiny Loses Patience
Back in the cosmic office, destiny opened the 1935 Subroutine, a stern protocol used to restart historical engines when humans were being stubborn.
It read:
IF Germany does not cause war THEN trigger misunderstandings, ego conflicts, and nationalism UNTIL war inevitable
Destiny cracked its knuckles like an irritated math tutor and activated the sequence.
Almost immediately:
Newspapers misquoted Tajdin
Diplomats became paranoid
Generals became excited for no reason
Italy bought hats for its entire army
France upgraded the Maginot Line's gift shop
Destiny smiled. Progress.
ACT V — Tajdin Tries to Prevent WWII (Badly)
Tajdin submitted a proposal to Europe titled:
"Peace But With Coupons (Improved Edition)"
His plan included:
International hug day
Banned uniforms because they "make everyone look war-ish"
Mandatory pasta diplomacy
A hotline for when nations felt insecure
Italy loved the pasta clause.
Britain questioned the grammar.
France lit another cigarette.
Japan circled "international hug day" and wrote "maybe dishonorable?"
The United States ignored the proposal and sent baseball cards instead.
Destiny sighed so hard that thunder rolled across Europe.
ACT VI — The Documentary Gets Dramatic
Narrator voice:"Despite Tajdin's best efforts, the geopolitical system of 1935 was held together with ego, nationalism, and poor decision-making. A collision was inevitable."
Cut to: Italian tanks failing to start.
Cut to: France arguing with itself.
Cut to: Britain drafting a second stern letter.
Cut to: Germany accidentally signing a military pact via postal mix-up.
Cut to: Japan asking again about fish.
Cut to: USSR stamping paperwork labeled JUST IN CASE.
ACT VII — Destiny Forces the Plot
Destiny finally intervened directly by messing with administrative paperwork — the ultimate force in European affairs.
It forged a telegram in Tajdin's handwriting that read:
"Germany demands respect and maybe Luxembourg."
This caused:
France to panic
Britain to sip tea faster (a sign of alarm)
Luxembourg to faint
Italy to try to join the alliance uninvited
Japan to prepare for negotiations with seafood lobbyists
The USA to shrug
Tajdin saw the telegram and screamed:
"I DIDN'T SEND THAT!"
Destiny whispered (only Tajdin could hear):
"Yes, but Hitler would have."
Tajdin threw a chair at the sky.
ACT VIII — The Worst Group Project In History
The world powers decided an alliance structure was needed.
Documentary narrator:"Thus were born the Axis and the Allies, not from ideology or strategy, but from pure, concentrated idiocy."
Italy wanted to join anyone who would let them pose dramatically.
Japan joined because they thought it might involve naval prestige (and possibly vengeance against fish).
Britain reluctantly teamed with France because every friendship group needs two tired adults.
The USSR made everyone uncomfortable.
America opted for "checking in occasionally."
Germany (Tajdin) had no idea who was on his side anymore.
Destiny looked at the alliance chart and checked three more boxes:
□ Alliances Formed (badly) □ Everyone Paranoid □ Tajdin Losing Sanity
Nearly back on track.
End of Chapter 16
Narrator concludes:
"And so the world stumbled toward global conflict — not through malice or strategy, but through miscommunication, paperwork, and a remarkable tolerance for nonsense."
Destiny smiled.History was catching up.
Tajdin wept.