The weathers unusually gloomy today. It's the middle of summer, but the weather feels like a mix of winter and spring showers. There are hardly any people on the streets. Despite the chilliness the only thing that I am wearing is a plain sleeveless white dress and a thin shawl that fell down my shoulders. It's getting more chillier by the minute; despite that, I Stood motionless by the window. This gloomy weather, this chilliness, those people on the streets; all of this reminds me of that night 14 years ago. That horrific night. That darn night that changed my life forever. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it. But as always my efforts were in vain. I recalled the shattered glass, my mother's screams, the bloody kitchen and most importantly, my brother.
A deep sigh- one that had resigned, one that had given up-escaped from me. With tired eyes, I glanced at the bedroom clock. 10:27 Am. It's almost time for me to go to the therapist. Another sigh had left me. There are a lot of things in this world that you have to do even if you don't want to. Me going to the therapist is one of those things. With an unwilling heart, I started to get ready for my appointment.
The appointment is at 11:30. So now is the perfect time to leave. But for a second I hesitated. I was still afraid of going outside. No, not outside-I was still afraid of meeting people. Thoughts like going back inside and canceling the appointment started to surround me. I quickly left the apartment before my resolve got any weaker than it already is.
As I walked on the street under the unusually gloomy sky, I tried my best to avoid the eyes of the people that are walking back and forth in front of me. And tried my utmost best to avoid the 'things' behind them that only I can see. The walk form my apartment to the hospital is 20 minutes; though it always feels like an eternity to me. And of course, today was no exception.
After a 20 minute walk that felt like forever I had finally reached the hospital. The cold glass door shuts behind me as I walk to the familiar reception hall. The familiar hospital smell has started to get on my nerves. Why is it so familiar? It's only my 6th time coming to the hospital so why? Is it because this hospital is the only place I've been to aside from my house and the graveyard for the past 7 years? I didn't have any time to think of the answer as I had already reached the receptionist. I took a deep breath and tried to do exactly as I practiced with Dr. Hans for the 6th time.
'H-Hello.'
'Yes hello, how may I help you?'
'I have an appointment with Dr. Hans at 11:30 am.'
'Please wait a moment..... I have just confirmed the appointment, you may go now.'
'Thank you'
I let out a sigh of relief. I successfully had a normal conversation with someone without having a panic attack or running away for the 6th time. I can feel myself improving little by little. Those 3 years of online counseling's weren't a waste of time after all. With a bit of a good mood I started to walk toward the stairs, not knowing the 2nd event that would change my life for good was going to happen in a matter of seconds.
Ever since I was little I tended to avoid the elevators. The reason being because you don't know if there are people inside or if people will get on when you're going up or down. And I still do that. Like any other day, I took the stairs today as well. Little did I know that was going to become my greatest decision. As I was walking up the stairs I started to blank out, like I was physically there; walking-looking but my mind was not. I didn't even realize I was on the wrong floor. I just kept on walking. It took me quite a while to realize that I wasn't on the 3rd floor. I turned around to go back and crashed right into who knows what.
BANG!!
'What the hell did I crash into!? It feels like someone smashed my head with a hammer. Ah! That hurts sooo bad.' Did I bump into a bookshelf? There are books scattered all around me. No, why would there be a bookshelf in the middle of the hallway? And if there was one for who knows what reason I would've bumped into it a while back when I was walking aimlessly.
I held my head tightly as I tried to see what exactly it is that I collided with. Whatever it is, the pain is absolutely unreal.
"Are you alright?"
Oh no. The thing I ran into is no 'thing'; it's a person. This person also fell down. It seems like he too is feeling unreal pain. The only difference is that I'm feeling it in my head and his probably feeling it in his chin. Why is it even hurting so much? We only bumped into each other.
"Miss?"
Oh right, I need to speak. What do I do? Dr. Hans didn't tell me what to do in situations like this. I've been a total shut-in for the past 7 years. I only started to speak with an actual human being 3 years ago when I started to take sessions with Dr. Hans. Since you can do absolutely everything online and the delibrary man just drops of the stuff in front of the door I never really communicated. The only people I talked to in those years are the Therapist and that receptionist.
AH SERIOUSLY! I don't care anymore let's just leave it to fate.
With that I finally looked up. And for the 1st time in 14 years I looked at someone not with fear or unease but with pure confusion.