Chapter 48: The Doorway to Delirium and the Coin-Operated Soul
(Sunny Midoriya POV)
I was currently balanced on the tip of my own nose, spinning like a top while using my feet to juggle three sentient alarm clocks that were screaming in different time zones. Why? Because the air in Class 1-A was too "protagonist-heavy," and I needed to balance the scales with some grade-A nonsense.
"Sunny, please! Gravity is a friend, not a victim!" Izuku hissed from his desk, his hand moving so fast across his notebook it was leaving actual smoke trails. Next to him, Shoto Todoroki was staring at a pencil like he was trying to decide if it deserved to be frozen or incinerated.
"Izu-chan, gravity and I broke up years ago," I chirped, snapping my white-gloved fingers. [POP!] The clocks turned into rubber ducks and bounced off the head of a very confused Mezo Shoji, whose six arms all tried to catch them at once. "We're just friends with benefits now. I get to ignore its calls, and it gets to keep the apartment."
"I'LL KILL THE NEXT THING THAT SQUEAKS!" Bakugo roared, his palms crackling with enough spice to season a five-alarm chili. He looked like he'd been marinating in pure rage since the entrance exam.
"Kacchan, you're such a firecracker," Mina Ashido giggled, sliding across the floor on a trail of acid that glittered like a disco ball. "Right, Noko-chan?"
Noko Shikanoko, our resident deer-girl-anomaly, let out a loud [NUN!] and started aggressively eating a mahogany desk. Koji Koda looked like he was about to faint from the sheer biological audacity of it, while Fumikage Tokoyami nodded solemnly. "The deer craves the fiber of the void," he muttered. Dark Shadow popped out, wearing a bib.
The door slid open with a sharp [CLACK!].
Shota Aizawa stepped in. He didn't have a single bandage on him. He didn't look like a mummy. He just looked like a man who had slept for twelve minutes in the last decade and regretted every single one of them.
"Settle down," Aizawa droned, his gaze sweeping over the chaos—Aoyama twinkling in the corner, Toru Hagakure (I assume) doing jumping jacks, and Mineta trying to use Sero's tape to build a 'surveillance' bridge to the girls' side (which Sero immediately used to gag him instead). "The UA Sports Festival is coming up."
The class exploded. Iida started chopping the air so hard he created a localized windstorm. "A TRADITIONAL HEROIC MILESTONE! WE MUST UPHOLD THE RECTITUDE OF THE INSTITUTION!"
"Oh boy," Aqua wailed, clutching her blue hair. "A festival? Does that mean I have to work? I'm a Goddess! I should be in the VIP lounge sipping high-end nectar, not sweating for the masses! Sunny, tell them I'm exempt due to divine fatigue!"
"Sorry, Puddles. The script says 'Tournament Arc,' and you're the comic relief," I grinned, my teeth doing a [DING!] that temporarily blinded Mashirao Ojiro.
"Wait," Sato said, pausing mid-sugar-rush. "If we're doing the festival, who's going to help us manage... well, you, Sunny?"
Aizawa sighed—a sound that contained the collective weariness of every teacher in history. "To ensure this class doesn't accidentally phase Musutafu into the fifth dimension, the administration has hired a behavioral specialist to co-teach. She has prior experience with... certain elements of this group."
The door opened again. A woman stepped in, her left eyelid twitching in a rhythmic 4/4 beat.
"Ms. Hina!" I yelled, my jaw literally hitting the floor. [CLANG!]
"TEACH!" Aqua and Himiko Toga screamed in unison.
Before the poor woman could even say 'Good morning,' we were a blur of motion. I turned into a literal spring and bounced across the room. [BOING-BOING-BOING!] Aqua moved like a tidal wave of blue tears, and Toga did a high-speed parkour flip over Tsuyu Asui's head.
"GROUP HUG!" I chirped, wrapping my stretching arms around Ms. Hina. Aqua tackled her waist, sobbing about debt, and Toga buried her face in Hina's sleeve, giggling about how 'normal' she smelled.
"I... I thought I was retired," Ms. Hina whispered, her soul visibly trying to leave her body.
"MOVE IT, GAG-BOY!" Bakugo yelled, stomping over. He didn't hug her, of course. He just stood three feet away, his face turning the color of a ripe tomato. "I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SHOW YOUR FACE AGAIN, OLD LADY! I'M THE KING NOW! I DON'T NEED A NAP TIME!"
"Aww, look at the Tsundere Boom-Boom Boy," I teased, reaching out to pat his head. He tried to bite my hand, but I'd already turned it into a bouquet of gag-flowers. "He missed his favorite teacher!"
"I WILL BLAST YOU INTO THE SUN!"
"Okay, enough," Aizawa muttered, using his capture weapon to peel us off Ms. Hina. "Class is dismissed for lunch. Try not to break any landmarks."
We all filed out—Jirou and Kaminari arguing about bass frequencies, Momo Yaoyorozu trying to explain the molecular structure of a gold medal to Kirishima, and Mei Hatsume (who had somehow snuck in) trying to attach a jetpack to Ochaco Uraraka's back.
But as we reached the exit, we hit a wall. Not a literal wall—a wall of people.
Every student from the General Studies and Support departments was blocking the door. It was the classic 'Declaration of War' scene.
"So this is Class 1-A," a voice drawled. "I came to see what the 'Calamity Class' looked like, but it just looks like a circus."
A guy with purple, gravity-defying hair and eyes that looked like he hadn't slept since the Quirk Singularity stepped forward. Hitoshi Shinso. He looked salty. He looked cynical. He looked like the perfect straight man for my next bit.
"A circus?" I stepped forward, my yellow pinstripe suit shimmering. I pulled a director's chair out of my pocket and sat on it mid-air. "Kid, we're the main event! The Greatest Show on Earth! You're just the guy who forgot to buy a ticket!"
"You talk a lot," Shinso said, his eyes narrowing. "Do you ever stop to think before you open your mouth?"
"Thinking is for people who can't edit the script on the fly!" I chirped.
I felt it. A 'tug' on my brain. The mental fog. Shinso's Quirk. Brainwashing.
My body went limp. My eyes rolled back. My tongue lolled out of my mouth like a piece of pink taffy.
"Sunny!" Izuku yelled, reaching out. "Don't answer him! It's a—"
"Got you," Shinso muttered, a small smirk playing on his lips. "Now, walk toward the stairs and—"
Suddenly, I stood up straight. My eyes didn't just clear; they turned into two literal spinning gold coins. [CHING-CHING!]
"Oh, you want to play 'Hypnotist'?" I said, my voice dropping into a smooth, Brooklyn-noir register. I reached into the air and pulled out a tiny, glowing gold coin. It was smaller than a pea, but it hummed with the sound of a thousand angels singing a commercial jingle.
I started swinging the coin back and forth in front of Shinso's face. [TICK-TOCK. TICK-TOCK.]
"Now, Hitoshi-kun," I whispered, the coin glowing brighter. "You're getting sleepy. Very sleepy. You're not a hero-in-training. You're not a cynic. You are... a grandfather clock in a high-wind storm."
"What... what are you..." Shinso's eyes started to glaze over. He wasn't using his quirk; I was using Toon Logic. If you try to hypnotize a gag character, the gag character hypnotizes you back with interest.
"Sunny, stop!" Momo shouted, her face in her hands. "You can't just 'Uno Reverse' a brainwashing quirk!"
"Watch me, Princess!" I chirped.
Shinso's arms started moving like a pendulum. "Ding... dong... ding... dong..."
"Now," I said, snapping my fingers. [POP!] The gold coin turned into a tiny marshmallow, which I ate. "When I count to three, you'll realize that the true meaning of life is actually... tap-dancing!"
"One. Two. Three!"
Shinso blinked. He looked at me, then at the crowd of 1-B students behind him (Neito Monoma was currently laughing like a maniac in the background). Then, without a word, Shinso's feet started moving.
[TAP-TAP-SHUFFLE-TAP!]
The most exhausted-looking kid in UA started doing a perfect Broadway-style shuffle down the hallway.
"I... I hate... this... class..." Shinso muttered, his body moving against his will as he danced toward the cafeteria.
I leaned against the air, crossing my arms. "And that, folks, is how we handle the competition! No violence, just vibes and a high-speed rhythmic workout!"
"SUNNY!" the entire class (minus Noko, who was still eating the doorframe) yelled in unison.
I just grinned, my teeth doing one last [DING!].
"Get ready, UA! The 'Calamity Class' is coming for the podium, and I've already decided the first-place prize is a giant carrot!"