"You are pathetic, to think I would ever love you, you are simply stupid and dumb. You should be grateful I even tolerated you that long. If you were smarter you would understand why this is all your fault." His words kept echoing in my head as I ran out.
I don't knock, I never do and it was never a problem. Jacob once laughed about it tugging me tightly into his arms while I stood awkwardly in the doorway of his apartment, the key dangling uselessly in my hand.
I silently thought what I did to deserve this? A man so caring, so loving, simply the best. Why would you knock? he said. This is your home too Maya, did you forget? What is mine is yours too. So when I slide the spare key into the lock, my lips are already curved into a smile.
Seven Years.
Seven years of waiting through airport goodbyes, unanswered late night calls, post pond anniversaries and business trips that always seemed to matter more than I did. Seven years of telling myself that love required patience, that sacrifice was romantic.
I changed myself, dyed my hair blonde, wore blue contacts because he loved blondes and hated brunettes which I sadly was. I mimicked his favourite influencer, adopted a vegan diet and restricted my eating because he felt I was too fat. I did it all hoping he would finally choose me first.
That someday is today. I push the door open, my suitcase rolling in behind me.
"I'm home, " I call out brightly, my voice echoing through the apartment. " Happy Anniversary."
The words hang in the air, they don't get answered. That is fine, I expected that, Jacob always gets lost in his work. I step inside fully, kicking the door shut behind me with my heel, already reaching for my phone to capture the look on his face when he realizes...
I stop.
The apartment smells wrong, not bad just foreign, sweet , floral, definitely not Jacobs clean, sharp cologne that I bought him last Christmas and insisted he wear because I loved it on him.
My smile wavers as I glance down, there are shoes by the door, not mine. Black heels, strappy, delicate, too small to belong to anyone but..
Don't be ridiculous, Maya escorted myself I force a quiet laugh, shaking my head at myself. I'm tired, my imagination is running wild.
There is probably a perfectly reasonable explanation, maybe he had a coworker over, maybe.
A laugh I know far too well drifts down the hallway, a woman's laugh, my chest tightens, it is soft, intimate in a way laughter shouldn't be.
I take a step forward, then another, the gift bag in my hand suddenly feels too heavy, the paper tissue crinkling loudly in the silence. my heart starts to pound, slow and painful like it's already knows something my mind is desperately trying to deny.
"Maya, stop " I whisper to myself. the bedroom door is ajar, light spills out from inside warm and golden, cutting through the dim lit hallway. I can see movement, shadows shifting against the wall.
I reached to the door before I realize I'm walking, before I can stop myself, I push it open. For a second my brain refuses to understand what my eyes are seeing, it likes watching a scene through fogged glasses, blurred shapes, tangled limbs, unfamiliar angles.
Then the fog clears, Jacob is sitting on the bed, my Jacob, bare chested, sheets twisted around his waist. His hand frozen mid motion on the bareback of the woman beneath him.
The woman who turns her head, the woman whose face I know better than my own. My best friend, the gift bag slips from my fingers.
It hits the floor with a soft thud, but the sound seems impossibly loud in the sudden silence. Jacob's face drains of colour.
"Maya," he says.
I think he says my name again, I'm not sure everything sounds muffled like I'm underwater, my ears are ringing so loudly I can barely hear myself breathe.
My best friend scramble to sit up the sheets clutch to her chest as tears spring instantly in her eyes.
"It is not what it looks like," she sobs.
Jacob moves towards me, his mouth opening and closing like he doesn't know which lie to tell first. I don't hear any of it, my vision narrows, the room tilts, my stomach twists violently, nausea rising so fast I have to press my hand over my mouth.
I can't breathe, I feel like I'm falling apart from the inside out, like something vital has been ripped out of my chest and left bleeding on the floor between us.
My legs wobble, I grabbed the door frame, my fingers digging into the wood to keep myself upright. Jacob reaches for me, I flinch back.
"Don't touch me" I scream. His hand freeze midair, for half a second something ugly flashes across his face, annoyance not guilt.
Then he exhales sharply, scrubbing a hand through his hair like I'm the problem here.
"Maya, don't you think you're overreacting,"he sees quickly. this isn't what it looks like.
I left out a broken, disbelieving love. " are you being serious?" you steps closer anyway, lowering his voice, like that makes this easier to swallow.
" You've been gone, you're never around anymore, always busy, always tired. I'm a man, I have needs, you can't expect me to just shut that off."
My stomach twists
"And her?" I manage.
"You just, what?Fell into bed with her by accident?"
He gestures bigly towards my best friend who is still crying behind him.
"I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to go outside, Maya. I didn't want strangers, I thought what's better person than someone you trust?"
I stare at him in disbelief, someone I trust?
" You left, I couldn't concentrate," he continues. His voice growing sharper, determine, you know how I get when I'm under pressure.
I felt sick.
"So this is my fault?" I ask quietly, that is when he snaps.
" What do you want from me?"he explodes "Why am I even trying to explain myself? You pushed me into this, if you had been enough this wouldn't have happened."
Enough.
I don't say anything at all I'm rendered speechless, I don't trust my voice not to break into something ugly, animal and irreversible.
I simply turn, walk, then run. I don't remember making it down the hallway. I don't remember pressing the elevator button or how I got outside.
The night air slams into me like a shock, cold and unforgiving stealing what little breath I had left. My chest burns, my eyes blur, I stumble forward my suitcase abandoned somewhere behind me, my entire world reduced to one overwhelming need to get away.
Away from the lies, the bed, the seven years that meant nothing, I barely registered the impact when I crash into someone.
Strong hands grasp my arm instantly steadying me before I can hit the pavement. The sudden contact makes me gasp my body reacting on instinct, clinging even as my mind screams to pull away.
I smell him first, clean, familiar in a way that makes my heart stutter painfully. I look up, dark eyes the back at me wide with shock, something fierece flashing through them as they take in my tear streaked face, my shaking body.
The world seems to tilt again because I know those eyes, I know that face, Ryan Blackwood.
His grip tightens, grounding, protective as if letting go wasn't an option.
He says my name, low and urgent like it hurts him to say it.
" Maya love," he breathes. "What happened?"