It was as if I was standing in the center of the ceremonial circle being judged as I stood there and the silver moonlight turned into a spotlight ripping me open, three hundred pairs of eyes burning holes into my back Because I was twenty-three years old, and this was my final opportunity. My last chance to show that I wasn't the shattered wolf that everyone whispered about when they thought I couldn't listen.
"Nova Silvercrest." I bit down a cower as Alpha Magnus's voice echoed around the clearing.
"Tonight, under the full moon's blessing, you stand before the Silvermoon Pack for your final awakening ceremony."
Final. The words hung there heavily like a guillotine sentence.
Though I was shaking, knees jelly, I grounded my chin high, even though a couple pack members offered their pitying gazes, pack wolves who had shifted for the first time at sixteen like regular wolves, like I should have. Even with my younger sister Nyra in the crowd, her wolf already properly awake at eighteen, making a pity face tinged by second-hand embarrassment.
Except for the gaze of one person, everything was just fine.
Kieran Blackwood, stood to the right of the Alpha and when our eyes met he gave me that smile—the secret smile that had belonged to me since we built forts in the forest as kids. His dark hair fell across his forehead, and those warm brown eyes assured me that everything was going to be okay. They always had.
"Even if your wolf never comes, I'll choose you as my mate," he'd whispered to me just last week, his lips brushing my temple. "Fated or chosen, you're mine, Nova. You've always been mine."
That was my anchor as Alpha Magnus proceeded with the ritual, his words echoing my memory of the same words I heard at eighteen and then again at twenty-one. Every one of these ceremonies failing is yet one more nail hammered into my shame coffin.
The Alpha intoned," And the Goddess blesses her children with the Gift of the Wolf," as he lifted his ceremonial blade to the moon. "Not all blooms are timely, but roots run just as deep. Tonight, we call upon—"
From the audience, someone muttered: move it along Snickers followed.
Even though my face was screaming, I made myself stay. Traditional white ceremonial dress worn with long auburn hair and woven silver moonflowers. I had spent hours preparing, praying that maybe this time, if I could get it just right the Goddess would finally answer.
Kieran's jaw tightened at the disrespect, and I saw him take a step forward before his father, Beta Thomas, placed a restraining hand on his shoulder. Kieran was already twenty-nine, the pack's best warrior, already being groomed to be the next Beta. He could have any she-wolf he wanted.
But he wanted me.
That had to mean something. That had to mean I wasn't completely worthless.
"Kneel," Alpha Magnus commanded.
I lowered myself to the earth, feeling the damp grass soak through my dress. The Alpha approached, and I bowed my head as he placed the blade flat against my shoulder—first the right, then the left. The silver burned even through the fabric, a test of worthiness. I bit my lip to keep from crying out.
"Do you accept the blessing of the Goddess and swear to honor your wolf, should she grace you with her presence?"
"I do." My voice came out stronger than I felt.
"Then rise, Nova Silvercrest, and let the moon see you."
I stood, turning to face the full moon hanging heavy and silver above the trees. My heart hammered against my ribs. Around me, the pack began the ancient chant, their voices rising and falling like waves. The sound should have been comforting. Instead, it felt like a countdown to my ultimate humiliation.
Please, I prayed silently. Please, Goddess. Don't let me fail again. Not in front of everyone. Not in front of Kieran.
The moonlight seemed to grow stronger or maybe it was just my mind. A warm, familiar feeling, though one that always comes as a surprise. This was it—the moment the wolf either came busting out or faded away into the recesses of my soul.
My bones began to ache.
"It's happening," someone whispered.
A painful flicker of hope ignited in my chest. I felt my fingers start to tingle, felt the first traces of the shift, the feeling of something else living beneath my skin, something primal and fierce trying to claw its way free.
Yes please, I thought desperately. Please, come forward. Show them, show them I'm not broken.
The heat grew more and more unbearable, until I believed my flesh would burst. I arched my back and inhaled sharply. I could sense her—my wolf, so near, nearer than she had ever been. Just a little further.
And then the pain stopped.
The heat disappeared as though someone had thrown a bucket of water on fire.
And then there was silence, and it was deafening.
I was standing there, completely human, no different from how I was before, my white dress nearly shimmering in the moonlight as if to call out what a failure I had become. No fur. No fangs. No gold eyes to watch for crouching predators; no powerful limbs to flee from them. Just me, in my human form.
"Pathetic," someone said, from the crowd.
"Three times now. Three ceremonies, and still nothing pathetic."
"Her parents must be rolling in their graves. Both of them are from Alpha bloodlines, and their daughter can't even shift."
The comments were coming faster again, pack members less timid about expressing their disappointment. Tears burned my eyes yet I would not allow them to fall. I would not make it that easy for them.
"Enough." Kieran's voice snapped across the murmurings like a whip, and everyone went quiet. He came towards me smoothly, with the grace and surety of a complete wolf. As he got to me, his hand slipped into mine, our fingers lacing with my trembling ones. "The ceremony isn't over."
But we both knew it was.
Alpha Magnus let out a long sigh that sounded of man who had already given up hope for me. "The Goddess has spoken. Rather, she has opted for silence. Nova Silvercrest as long as you are part of the Silvermoon Pack, and your wolf doesn't awaken if it ever does that is, you won't get any wolf rights or privileges. You are dismissed."
There is no way that the denial that I was a wolf, or not one as the case might be, should have hurt so much more than the simple fact of not shifting. But somehow it did. I was pack, but not really pack. I belonged, but I didn't.
Kieran's hand tightened on mine. "Stroll with me," he said softly, and I nodded feeling numb.
We began to walk away from the circle, but Alpha Magnus spoke up.
"Kieran. A word."
Kieran's jaw tightened but he was the son of a Beta. The Alpha call was one he couldn't deny. "I'll come find you in five minutes," he promised, his thumb caressing along my knuckles. "Wait for me by the old oak."
I nodded once more, mistrusting my voice.
I walked quickly back toward the Alpha and away from the ceremony site, thankful for the darkness of the woods. I could already hear the pack breaking apart behind me, their voices echoing on the wind.
"Poor Kieran, stuck with a wolfless."
"He hasn't claimed her yet. There's still time for him to discover someone deserving."
"I hear Selene Moonwhisper's been batting her eyes in his direction. She shifted at fifteen and had Alpha blood from her mother.
I quickened my pace,my bare feet silent on the forest path I'd known since childhood. The old oak tree loomed just over the pack boundary, large and old with sprawling branches like outstretched arms. Kieran and I had scratched our initials in the bark when we were ten — K.B. + N.S. inside a wonky heart.
I rested my hand on the coarse bark, and I finally let out a loud sigh.
The ceremony was over. I had failed, yes, but I was alive. And Kieran had stood up for me in front of the pack. He'd taken my hand at a party, in public, and shown everyone that I was his even before the bond. That meant something. That meant everything.
A branch snapped behind me.
Whirling around, I half-expected to see Kieran's distinctive silhouette.
Instead, I got blasted in the face by a scent, cedar and midnight rain, wild earth and something ancient that I couldn't identify. It suffocated me and inhaled into my lungs and set fire to every nerve.
My wolf that had been silent and dormant a few moments ago flared to the surface with such fury, my knees buckled. She didn't shift but her mind filled my mind like a howl of recognition.
"Mate," she whispered, the first word I'd ever heard her speak. "Mate. Mate. MATE."
I raised my head, and Kieran was there.
Kieran, my best friend, my childhood sweetheart. Kieran, who'd sworn to pick me even when there was no fated bond between us.
Except that now the bond burned between us, a silvery thread glowing bright enough to see, if you were the one it held. His eyes had widened, and I knew then that he felt it too, the crackle of destiny locking into place; the absolute knowing that we were written in the stars.
"Nova," he whispered, moving a step closer to me.
Joy exploded in my chest. After all of it, after that horrible ceremony, after a lifetime of doubt and fear—The Goddess had given me this. She had given me my mate, and he was everything I had ever wished him to be.
I smiled, at last the tears of joy spilling down from my face.
Kieran took another step forward, but something in his expression made my smile falter. He looked stricken, his face pale in the moonlight.
"Kieran?" My voice came out small. "You feel it, don't you? The bond?"
He opened his mouth. I closed it. His hands clenched into fists at his sides.
It was then that the figures had come out from behind the trees. The pack, following. They must have smelled it too, that unique cologne of a new mating bond being established. They stood in a semicircle, witnesses to what should have been our happiest moment.
Alpha Magnus stepped forward, scanning our faces with his eyes. A muscle ticked in his jaw. Next to him, was Selene Moonwhisper, her beautiful face curled into something repulsive.
"Kieran," the Alpha said slowly. "Is it true? Is she your fated mate?"
Say yes, I thought desperately. Please, Kieran, just say yes.
Kieran gulped and bobbed his Adam's apple. When he finally met my eyes, I saw something in them that made my blood run cold.
"I, Kieran Blackwood," He stated the fancy wording made my heart freeze, "refuse to—"
"No," I whispered.
"-To take Nova Silvercrest as my fated mate."
It's not as though that the bond between us severed. It shattered. The pain was beyond words, like someone had reached down into my chest and torn out my beating heart. I dropped to my knees, screaming so loudly that it sounded like I was being gutted.
Through the pain, I heard pack members gasp. Heard my sister Nyra scream. Caught snatches of someone, maybe Kieran's mom? Smiling.
"Oh, and…" he continued in a faraway voice, "I'm engaged to Selene Moonwhisper. "By the next full moon we will get married."
The last thing I saw was Selene's triumphant smile before the edges of my vision went black.