So tell me how to live in this world Tell me how to breathe and not feel the hurt Tell me, 'cause I believe in something I believe in us Tell me when the light goes out That even in the dark we can find a way out Tell me now, 'cause I believe in something I believe in us I believe in something I believe in us
And here I am again, in bed at two in the morning listening to music because I can't sleep. Not with him in my head, not with him commanding my thoughts, not with him stealing my focus.
Ever since Chace left, I haven't stepped foot out of my room. I didn't go down to have lunch with my sister's boyfriend's friends. She came by to see if I was okay, and I lied; I told her I just wasn't feeling well.
Feeling used But I still miss you And I can't See the end of this Just wanna feel your kiss Against my lips ... And now all this time Is passing by But I can't tell you why It hurts every time I see you Realize how much I need you ... I hate you, I love you I hate that I love you Don't want to, but I can't put Nobody else above you
I'm just lying here listening to random songs that somehow describe my situation right now. It's ironic, really, but it's very real. You know, it didn't used to be like this. We loved each other. Chace loved me. We were happy. Knowing that everything changed so suddenly is frustrating.
Flashback: 10 Months Ago
"I can't deal with so much. I hate seeing my sister suffering; she's everything good I have. They were fine, but now, I don't know what changed. I know it's not my business, but I hear them when they're shouting at each other. I see how exhausted they are. But they love each other so much, you know? I'm such a fan of them that I think I'd suffer more if they broke up than they would," I said through tears.
I was telling Chace that my sister was going through a terrible phase in her relationship, but despite everything, they were fighting for it—even though sometimes it looked like they were on the verge of giving up.
"Any, they'll be fine. They're grown-ups; they know how to take care of themselves. Relationships are like that; these phases exist," Chace said, trying to comfort me as he stroked my hair.
"But what if they break up? Lia will suffer, and Chris too. They're both proud and stubborn. Lia always suffers when her relationships end because she gives too much of herself, and I don't want that." I spoke distantly. "Imagine if one day this happens to us?" I asked, suddenly thinking about it and crying even harder.
"Hey... if one day we have problems, we're going to talk. We'll unite and find a way to resolve everything, because we love each other. We'll manage, because we're in this together for everything. It might be early to say this, right? But we're in this together. I speak to you, you speak to me. You're sad, I get sad too. You're pissed, I'm pissed too. And Any, one thing I promise you—and I'm not just saying it—Honesty above all," we said in unison. "Because honestly, trust is everything."
"Don't make a promise we might not be able to keep," I said, still tearful.
"And who said we won't be able to keep it?"
"Feelings fluctuate, you know? They change. One minute you think everything is fine, the next everything just crumbles, Chace."
"We love each other, Theo. Let's believe in that."
I nodded.
No more lazy mornings with you lying next to me No more late-night talking 'til we both fall asleep No more looking in the mirror with you standing on my feet Without your arms around my shoulders, I've lost the strength to be Come and set me free ... Will you stay with me tonight And pretend that it's alright? Tell me that you love me The way you used to love me Will you whisper in my ear Those three words I wanna hear? Tell me that you love me The way you used to love me ... Even if you don't mean it, won't you say I'm still the one? Hide the way you're feeling and make-believe I still belong And nothing's changed since you've been gone
It was our promise: Honesty above all. But I think it was just talk. Things really do change. People change. Everything changes. Time doesn't stop. This whole "distance" thing started six months ago, and I honestly didn't think it would get this bad.
Flashback: 6 Months Ago
"The best thing that ever happened in my life!" Mike said loudly as he gave me a huge bear hug.
"You shouldn't drink anymore, you know," I scolded.
"My bro turned another year older today, I deserve it! Look at this party we organized!" he said, and I was truly proud. Chace's brothers and I had organized a surprise party for him. He had just returned from a trip—I don't even know where from. In the last few weeks, he had been traveling a lot, so I used this return to throw him a party.
"Where is the birthday boy, anyway?" Rick asked, coming up behind me and kissing my forehead.
"I really don't know," I said. It had been a while since I'd actually seen Chace. "I'm going to look for him."
I left them and went to search for my "ghost" boyfriend. About ten minutes passed and I couldn't find him. I was starting to get worried. The house was full, and he was nowhere to be found. After a moment, I remembered I hadn't checked the terrace. I went up there, even though I didn't like that part of Chace's house because it was poorly lit and a bit creepy.
As I reached the top step, I heard a voice. I didn't recognize it at first because the door was closed. I opened the door slowly so as not to startle whoever was there and recognized Chace's voice. He was on the phone with someone.
I walked slowly toward him and heard him say:
"—I intend to go back. I just came to resolve some quick things here. There's no need to worry, I'll take care of him—"
He didn't finish speaking because he sensed someone behind him.
"Take care of who, Chace?" I asked as he turned around and hung up the phone.
"You almost scared me, Theo," he said, putting his phone away.
"Your brothers were asking for you, and I decided to come see where you were."
"Okay, let's go then," he said, starting to walk toward the door.
"Take care of who, Chace?" I asked once more, and he stopped.
"Nobody, Theo. Come on, let's go down."
"Where is it that you intend to 'go back' to?"
"You don't have to worry about anything," he said.
"You've been distant, Chace. Ever since that trip you took with Melvin, you... I don't know... you've distanced yourself."
"No, I'm right here, and I always will be," he said impatiently.
"You're here now, but not when I need you. Why won't you give me the answers I need?"
"Because you don't need them. Nobody does. Leave it to me, I'll take care of everything," he said as he pulled me down the stairs with him.
And I let it be. Without knowing that everything was already falling apart right then and there.