Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom.
The air was thick with the nauseating smell of cheap perfume—a mix of skunk and rotting roses.
Professor Gilderoy Lockhart stood on the podium, wearing robes of glistening green, his golden curls shining in the candlelight. He was practicing his smile in a mirror, revealing teeth as white as a freshly painted wall.
"Oh, look at these young faces!" Lockhart spun around, opening his arms, his voice so greasy you could scrape oil off it. "I am Gilderoy Lockhart! Order of Merlin, Third Class! Author of Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection! And of course, you might know my autobiography Magical Me—though it's still a work in progress."
The young Slytherins looked at each other in bewilderment.
Snape sat at the back of the classroom, looking at Lockhart like he was a disgusting slug. He had already snapped three quills in his hand.
"Silence!" Lockhart snapped his fingers, trying to awe the room with a non-existent cool factor. "Today, we will learn how to deal with... well, various dark creatures. But before that, I heard Slytherin has produced a 'genius'?"
His pale blue eyes, like searchlights, locked onto Ivan Potter, who was sitting in the last row cleaning his fingernails with his wand.
"Ivan Potter!" Lockhart called out dramatically. "I heard you call yourself a 'Pilgrim of the Dark Lord'? Oh my, that is so chunibyo! Dark Magic isn't for showing off; it's for... displaying charm! Just like me!"
Ivan stopped what he was doing, lifted his eyelids, and looked at Lockhart like he was looking at an idiot.
"Did you just say you wrote all your books yourself?"
"Of course!" Lockhart puffed out his chest. "Every single one is a record of my life-risking adventures!"
"Oh." Ivan nodded, twirling his wand lightly. "Then you must be very good at 'Self-Modification'? After all, grafting other people's experiences onto your own head is also a form of 'Transfiguration'."
Lockhart's smile froze for a second.
He felt like his secret had been seen through, but vanity quickly covered it up. "Naturally! As a master, I am proficient in all magic! Why don't we have a duel? If you can force me back half a step with a Disarming Charm, I'll admit you have some talent. If not... you have to admit in front of the whole school that I am the greatest!"
Snape added coldly from the back: "Potter, don't kill him. Although he is trash, he provides entertainment for the School Governors."
Ivan stood up and stretched.
"Disarming Charm? Too low-level."
He walked to the center of the classroom, looking at the confident Lockhart.
"Professor, do you know? Your aesthetic... is an insult to Slytherin aesthetics. That green robe makes you look like a frog."
Lockhart was furious. "What did you say? This is Paris Haute Couture—"
"Word Soul · Tailor Shop."
Ivan didn't chant a spell; he just snapped his fingers lightly.
The green robes on Lockhart suddenly came alive, shrinking and transforming wildly!
Rip!
The loose robes instantly turned into a tight corset, the hem exploding like petals into an extremely gorgeous, extremely revealing, extremely Victorian-aesthetic... crimson velvet evening gown!
Not only that, Ivan casually added a "Disillusionment Charm · Modified." In everyone's vision, Lockhart's bearded face instantly became smooth and fair, complete with two patches of blush and long fake eyelashes.
"Wh... What is happening?!" Lockhart clutched his chest in horror, only to find his voice had become extremely high-pitched, like a duck whose tail had been stepped on. "My voice! My clothes!"
"Don't move." Ivan pointed his wand at him. "This is called 'Red Carpet Queen Style'. Since you like showing off so much, I'm helping you out."
Ivan turned to the dumbstruck students. "What are you staring at? Applaud! Welcome our new 'Defense Against the Dark Arts Assistant'—Miss Lockhart!"
Clap clap clap!
Although scared, the Slytherin students applauded frantically under Ivan's intimidating gaze.
Even the corners of Snape's mouth were twitching upwards wildly. He even pulled out a camera (a Muggle item) ready to take pictures.
"I'll kill you!!" Lockhart shrieked, raising his wand. "Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus!!"
He pulled the trigger madly, but instead of red light, the wand shot out countless colorful confetti and flower petals—Ivan had modified his spell to "Celebration Mode."
"Too noisy."
Ivan frowned and clenched his hand in the air.
"Silence · Gravity Doubled."
Boom!
Lockhart felt like a mountain was crushing him. His legs gave way, and he fell to his knees with a thud, kneeling right in front of Ivan.
Because of the doubled gravity, the zipper of his tight dress made a strained creaking sound, ready to burst at any moment.
"Now," Ivan squatted down, looking at the terrified, crying Lockhart. "Since you like teaching defense so much, demonstrate for everyone—'How to Shave a Troll's Leg Hair with a Disarming Charm'."
Lockhart shook his head desperately, tears washing away his fake eyelashes. "No! I won't do it! I'm a man! I'm a hero!"
"Man?" Ivan raised an eyebrow and ripped the turban off Lockhart's head, revealing his thinning hair. "Hero? A hero who writes other people's achievements into his own books? A hero who can't even beat a first-year student?"
Ivan stood up and addressed the class:
"Classmates, look closely. This is a so-called 'Celebrity'. Strip away that layer of false halo, and he's not even as good as a house-elf."
He tapped Lockhart's lips with his wand.
"Mantra · Amplified Edition."
Lockhart's mouth opened uncontrollably, and the voice that came out resonated through the entire castle:
"I ADMIT IT! I'M A FRAUD! BREAK WITH A BANSHEE WAS DONE BY THAT OLD WIZARD! GADDING WITH GHOULS WAS DONE BY THAT WITCH! I ONLY KNOW MEMORY CHARMS! I CAN'T EVEN BEAT A BOGGART! HELP ME! SOMEONE SAVE ME! THIS POTTER IS A DEMON!!"
The voice, amplified by Ivan's magic, penetrated walls, reaching the Great Hall, the library, and even Dumbledore's office.
Dumbledore, who was having afternoon tea, shook his hand, spilling hot tea on his pants.
"Oh dear," Dumbledore wiped his pants awkwardly. "It seems Gilderoy's 'Public Lecture' has begun. I hope Ivan doesn't dismantle the castle."
Back in the Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom.
Dead silence.
Lockhart sat paralyzed on the floor, face ashen. He knew he was finished. Social death, completely.
Ivan put away his wand and dusted off his hands.
"Alright, demonstration over. Although Professor Lockhart's technique isn't great, at least he showed everyone another use for the 'Memory Charm'—forgetting shame."
He looked at Snape. "Professor, I'm done teaching this class. Homework assignment: write an essay titled 'Which is Tighter: Professor Lockhart's Dress or His IQ?'. No word limit, but it cannot be shorter than five feet."
Snape pushed up his glasses to hide the laughter in his eyes. "A very... constructive topic. Fifty points to Slytherin."
Ivan shouldered his bag and walked out.
At the door, he stopped and said without turning back:
"By the way, Professor Lockhart. If you want to change back, go beg Mr. Filch to find you a maid outfit. After all, that's the style that suits you."
Just as Ivan was about to step out of the classroom door.
Rumble—!!
The entire castle suddenly shook violently.
A crack opened in the floor, and an ancient, eerie aura surged from underground.
Snape's face changed. "Is this... the aura of the Chamber of Secrets?!"
Ivan remained calm; he was even picking his ear.
"Relax, Professor."
Ivan looked deep into the crack in the floor, where a pair of massive yellow eyes seemed to be opening.
"That's not the long worm from the Chamber." Ivan smirked cruelly. "That's my 'watchdog' I put down there."
"Watchdog?" Snape paused.
"Oh, forgot to mention." Ivan blinked innocently. "During the summer, I thought Fluffy (the three-headed dog) was too ugly, so I modified him into 'Mechanical Construct · Hellhound Edition'. The vibration just now might be because... he's hungry and wants to eat some professor's wig."
Snape instinctively touched his own greasy hair, cold sweat trickling down.
Deep Underground.
The real Basilisk (the one modified by Ivan) was shivering, looking at the mechanical Fluffy in front of it, which was emitting steam and shooting lasers from its eyes.
"Woof!"
Mechanical Fluffy let out a deafening bark and crushed a nearby stone wall with one bite.
The Basilisk curled into a ball: It's too scary... aren't there any normal creatures in this castle?!