Outside the Hogwarts Dungeons.
The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife.
On the left stood Young Dumbledore (Bald · Enhanced Edition), raising his wand with manic eyes.
On the right sat Muscle Dumbledore (Wheelchair · Muscle Barbie Edition), gripping two iron bars ripped from his wheelchair armrests, veins bulging on his forehead.
Between them sat a bottle of liquid glowing with an eerie green light—Snape's Special Reserve · Hair Growth Tonic · Original Formula.
"Give it to me!" Young Dumbledore screamed like an addict. "I'm only twenty! I can't go back to face Bathilda bald! It's a stain on history!"
"It's mine!" Muscle Dumbledore roared, trying to stand up but failing due to his back injury. "Severus developed this specifically as my 'Macho Nutrient Fluid'! A scrawny chicken like you will just get a nosebleed if you drink it!"
"Who are you calling scrawny?! Your whole family is scrawny!" Young Dumbledore completely abandoned his straight-A student persona and launched a flying kick. "Give me back my hair!"
The two instantly started brawling.
No magic, just pure, unadulterated hair-pulling (or attempt thereof).
Young Dumbledore desperately grabbed onto Muscle Dumbledore's massive beard, trying to rip it off to paste onto his own head.
Muscle Dumbledore grabbed the only two tufts of curly hair left on Young Dumbledore's head and shouted, "Since you don't want these sideburns, I'll take them as decorations for my pecs!"
"AHHH! My sideburns!!"
"Ouch! Easy! That's a real beard! Not an implant!!"
Voldemort hid in the corner, feeding the Blast-Ended Skrewt (actually feeding it hair tonic) while cheering for Young Dumbledore:
"Hit him! Left hook! Are you skipping meals? Those future muscles are wasted on you! Quirrell, bring my popcorn!"
Just as the two Dumbledores were locked in combat, about to resort to dual Avada Kedavras...
Lucius Malfoy walked in, pushing a diamond-encrusted, solid gold cart.
On the cart sat a massive, velvet-lined solid gold toilet.
And inside the toilet lay that golden frog.
"Stop it, all of you!" Lucius shouted, his voice shrill like a strangled rooster. "You mortals dare disrespect the Supreme Emperor?!"
Both Dumbledores paused, sporting messy hair (or lack thereof), and looked at Lucius.
"Supreme Emperor?" Muscle Dumbledore wiped a nosebleed. "You mean that frog?"
"Insolence!" Lucius dropped to his knees, kowtowing frantically to the gold toilet. "This is the true form of Lord Gellert Grindelwald! The... Golden Toad who will guide our pure-blood families to glory!"
The Frog Grindelwald in the gold toilet rolled his eyes disdainfully, and then—
"Ribbit."
He croaked, somehow sounding imperious and regal.
"Did you hear that?!" Lucius trembled with excitement. "My Lord is giving instructions! He says... he says he wants to turn Hogwarts into the 'Largest Casino in the Wizarding World'! And use Professor Snape's hair tonic as chips!"
"He's complaining the water isn't hot enough!" Voldemort retorted. "I saw him kicking his legs!"
Sure enough, Frog Grindelwald splashed restlessly in the gold toilet, soaking everything. His gold wig (which somehow hadn't fallen off) was askew, looking both comical and pathetic.
"Ribbit! Ribbit! (Translation: Lucius, you idiot! The water is scalding! I want iced pumpkin juice! And find two female frogs to keep me company!)"
Lucius immediately interpreted the "spirit" of the message: "Quick! Get the most expensive pumpkin juice! And go to the Forbidden Forest and catch two of the most beautiful tree frogs! Males! The Lord likes that vibe!"
While Lucius was busy serving the Frog Emperor...
The Blast-Ended Skrewt, which had been silently eating nearby, suddenly emitted a strange, loud noise.
Poof... sizzle—
Everyone turned to look.
On the Skrewt's originally smooth carapace, dense... long hair suddenly sprouted like bamboo shoots after rain.
White, soft, curly hair.
Because Voldemort had just poured an entire bottle of Snape's hair tonic into its food bowl to make it produce more milk (it doesn't work that way).
Now, the Skrewt was no longer a majestic lizard-dog.
It had turned into a six-foot-diameter, giant, white... ball of yarn.
"This..." Voldemort looked at the empty bottle in his hand, then at the giant fur ball. "Quirrell, did I... overfeed it?"
ROAR—!!
The Skrewt (now renamed Sheep-Skrewt) let out a muffled cry, its voice distorted by the thick fur.
It tried to move, but because its body was now a perfect sphere and the fur carried a massive static charge, the moment it moved, it magnetically attracted every metal object nearby.
Snape's silver cauldron, Lucius's gold toilet, Voldemort's fake nose... even the wands in the two Dumbledores' hands.
"My wand!" Young Dumbledore screamed.
"My gold toilet!" Lucius shrieked.
Like a giant white black hole, the Sheep-Skrewt sucked everything in, and then—
Rumble, rumble...
It started rolling.
Carrying the attached pots, pans, and two unlucky Dumbledores (whose robes got stuck), the Sheep-Skrewt rolled out the dungeon doors like a gigantic bowling ball.
"Stop it!" Muscle Dumbledore slapped his wheelchair armrest. "That is Hogwarts property! That cauldron is mine!"
"Forget the cauldron!" Voldemort pointed out the window. "The Ministry is here!"
In the sky, several airships marked "Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures" were descending.
A loudspeaker boomed:
"Attention! Attention! We have detected a Class 1 Protected Creature in the Forbidden Forest—Giant Sheep! Caution! Caution! Do not damage its wool! That is premium material for explosion-proof sweaters!"
"Sheep?" Voldemort paused. "They're calling the Skrewt a sheep?"
"Because the wool is too thick!" Quirrell said in despair. "Master, let's run! If the Ministry catches it, they'll shear it! Then it will be bald, and it will die of depression!"
"We can't let it get caught!" Voldemort gritted his teeth. "That is my... thingy! My godson's mount! Quirrell, go get my tank! I'm going to ram that Sheep-Skrewt back here!"
"That is MY tank!" Frog Grindelwald in the gold toilet kicked his legs furiously. "Ribbit!! (Give it back!)"
Just then.
Snape walked coldly out of the shadows.
He looked at the mess on the floor, at the two Dumbledores stuck to the fur ball, at the frog in the gold toilet, and at the giant fur ball rolling down the hill in the distance.
His face held no expression, only the dead silence of someone who has seen too much.
"Very good." Snape raised his wand, pointing at the rolling fur ball. "Since you all like hair so much... I'll give you enough hair to last a lifetime."
"Snowflakes drift, the north wind whistles—"
Snape chanted a strange incantation (lyrics from Yi Jian Mei).
The next second.
Green snow suddenly began to fall over Hogwarts.
Whoever the snowflakes touched instantly began to sprout hair wildly.
Lucius instantly turned into a golden kiwi fruit.
Voldemort's green melon head sprouted a thick layer of green mold-like fur, looking like a rotten coconut.
Even the gold toilet grew grass.
Only Snape stood in the wind and snow, his greasy black hair remaining smooth—because he used the latest "Anti-Snow Hair Tonic."
"Ivan!" Snape shouted at the air.
Ivan (still controlled by the AI) immediately popped out of the corner, holding a phone to livestream:
"Fam! See this? This is Professor Snape's latest 'Hogwarts · Winter Limited Edition · Full Body Hair Growth Agent'! Buy one get one free now! Includes a 'Dumbledore Style Baldness Emergency Kit'! Only 998! Only 998!"
Young Dumbledore, stuck to the rolling Sheep-Skrewt tumbling down the hill, screamed in despair:
"Someone save me! I don't want to be a kiwi! My hairline is gone!!"
And Frog Grindelwald, sitting in the grassy gold toilet, watched this scene with a look of relief.
"Ribbit..." (This is the chaotic world I wanted...)