Hogwarts, Dungeon Classroom.
This place had been transformed into "Professor Snape's Royal Hair Removal & Styling Salon."
A long queue snaked out the door, extending all the way into the Black Lake (even Merpeople needed waxing).
Snape was dressed in a tight black leather outfit (for ease of movement), holding two gleaming silver razors. He looked like a barber about to perform on stage, or perhaps an assassin preparing to dissect a body.
"Next!" he shouted coldly.
Lucius Malfoy was pushed forward.
He currently looked like a sentient golden kiwi fruit, with only his eyes and mouth visible amidst the fur.
"Professor..." Lucius sobbed. "Be gentle, my follicles are delicate..."
"Shut up." Snape grabbed a handful of potion foam and slapped it onto Lucius's face. "This is 'Potent Hair Removal Cream · Supreme Edition'. It will burn your follicles so badly even your mother won't recognize you. Deal with it."
Sizzle—!
One swipe of the razor.
Lucius's golden fur fell like harvested wheat, revealing the pale but smooth skin underneath.
"Ah! So refreshing!" Lucius let out a strange moan. "Do it again! Shave my eyebrows too! I want to be a smooth hard-boiled egg!"
Snape pushed him away in disgust. "Get lost. Don't block my big business."
His gaze shifted to a solid gold toilet in the corner.
Inside the toilet, the frog formerly known as Grindelwald was shivering.
Because he had grown grass, he now looked like a moss-covered rock.
"Gellert," Snape approached step by step, wearing a 'nuclear' kind smile. "As our 'Supreme VIP · Frog Guest', I have prepared the 'Full Body De-Greening · Return My Beauty' package just for you."
"Ribbit! Ribbit!!" (No! I am the Supreme Emperor!)
Grindelwald kicked his legs frantically, trying to jump out of the toilet to escape.
"Trying to run?" Snape huffed and waved his wand.
"Accio!"
Grindelwald was instantly sucked into mid-air and suspended by a rope.
Snape picked up an electric razor (a Muggle product smuggled in by Ivan) and flipped the switch.
Buzz buzz buzz—
"Hold still, it'll be over soon." Snape grabbed the struggling frog in mid-air. "First, I'll shave off this green skin, then peel off that wig on your head... Oh, the wig has grown into the flesh? A bit troublesome, needs surgery."
"RIBBIT—!!!" (Severus! I am your boss's boss!)
Grindelwald let out a wretched scream that echoed through the entire dungeon.
---
Meanwhile, a grand performance was underway in the Hogwarts Great Hall.
The stage was brilliantly lit.
Ivan held a microphone, introducing with passion:
"Ladies, gentlemen, and trolls! Next up, please welcome—the mysterious creature from the North American forests, the legendary 'Green-Skinned Yeti'! Mr. Voldemort Riddle!"
The curtains opened.
Voldemort stood in the center of the stage.
His current look was the pinnacle of performance art.
Because he was covered in green fur, Ivan had designed a "Yeti Bodysuit" for him—which was basically white fur sheared from the Blast-Ended Skrewt glued onto key areas, making him look like a hairy monster in a bikini.
To cover his green scalp, he wore a giant Yeti headgear, but because it was too small, it squeezed his (fake) nose crooked, leaving it hanging on his cheek.
The music started.
It was an upbeat jazz tune.
Voldemort began to dance with a numb expression.
Tap, tap, tap.
His movements were stiff, but because the fur on his body was so thick, every move looked like he was shaking off dust, creating a bizarrely comedic effect.
"ROAR—!!"
To fit the "Yeti" persona, Voldemort opened his mouth and let out a not-very-scary roar.
The audience below (mostly captured house-elves and coerced Slytherin students) erupted in thunderous applause.
"So cute!" a Ravenclaw girl screamed. "Look at his green scalp! So sexy!"
"That fur color! That sheen! Definitely all-natural!" a Hufflepuff boy critiqued.
Voldemort danced while weeping internally.
Quirrell... He signaled with his eyes to Quirrell hiding behind the curtain.
I am the Dark Lord... Why am I dancing like a monkey here?
Quirrell hugged the Blast-Ended Skrewt (now a ball of yarn) and whispered:
"Master, endure it. Ivan says the tips from this show are split 50-50. We need money to buy more hair tonic for the Skrewt... it's shedding again."
Voldemort glanced at the frantically shedding Skrewt.
The shed fur was being collected by Snape and woven into sweaters.
At this moment, Young Dumbledore was wearing one such sweater.
Young Dumbledore originally put it on for warmth, but the moment he did, his expression changed.
This sweater... had a consciousness of its own.
Or rather, the residual irritable genes of the Skrewt and the magic from Snape's hair tonic reacted.
Young Dumbledore's body began to twist uncontrollably.
"Wha... what is happening?"
He tried to take the sweater off, but it stuck to him like a suction cup.
"My god!" Ron was stunned. "The Headmaster is tangoing! And it's a solo tango!"
Worse still.
Because the movements were too intense, the thick "Full Beard" on Young Dumbledore's chin began to melt.
It wasn't a real beard.
It was painted on by Snape using a mix of "Potent Hair Growth Potion" and shoe polish!
Black liquid dripped down Young Dumbledore's chin onto his pristine white shirt, looking like puddles of ink.
"My beard..." Young Dumbledore broke down, crying while performing a passionate Samba. "My dignity... all gone..."
Just then.
Snape walked into the Great Hall, dragging an unconscious, completely shaved frog (Grindelwald) behind him.
He looked at the chaotic dance of monsters in the room:
Voldemort dancing (Yeti Edition);
Young Dumbledore auto-tangoing (black liquid streaming down his face);
And the rolling yarn-ball Skrewt.
Snape took a deep breath, feeling his blood pressure spike.
"IVAN POTTER!" Snape roared. "Who told you to weave the Skrewt's fur into clothes? These clothes have side effects! They make the wearer want to go to Argentina and dance!"
Ivan was busy collecting Galleon tips and didn't even turn around:
"Professor! This is called 'Immersive Experience'! Look how well the Young Headmaster dances! Look at that hip action, so talented! I think we can launch the 'Dumbledore Style · King of Dance Sweater', priced at 1999!"
"AND!" Snape pointed at Voldemort. "What is with that green-skinned monster? He stomped a hole in the floor!"
CRASH!
Voldemort, with a forceful tap dance step, indeed stomped through a floorboard.
He paused awkwardly in mid-air, looking at Snape.
"Severus..." Voldemort tried to save face. "I am... performing a Dark Magic ritual. This dance summons... uh... summons more donations."
"I don't care!" Snape raised his razor. "Since you all love long hair and dancing so much, I'll give you an 'Ultimate Makeover'!"
Snape snapped his fingers.
Dobby's holographic projection appeared, holding a contract.
> [Professor Snape · Full Body Hair Removal · Franchise Plan]
"Listen up," Snape's eyes looked exactly like a capitalist's. "I'm opening branches in Diagon Alley, Knockturn Alley, even Nurmengard. Voldemort, you are the brand ambassador, responsible for wearing a diaper at the door to attract customers. Dumbledore, you are the technical director, responsible for drawing fake beards on customers. As for Grindelwald..."
Snape kicked the bald frog at his feet.
"Stuff him and turn him into a specimen. Put him next to the cash register and tell customers: 'This is what happens if you don't buy a membership card'."
"Ribbit...?" (Do you have no manners?)
Just as Snape prepared to force everyone to sign the contracts.
The auto-dancing Young Dumbledore suddenly stopped.
His painted fake beard had completely fallen off, revealing a chin as smooth as an egg.
He looked at Snape, his eyes suddenly becoming profound.
"Severus..." Young Dumbledore said softly. "Have you ever thought, perhaps... we can make this business bigger?"
Snape paused. "What do you mean?"
Young Dumbledore pointed to Ivan counting money, then to the shaved Grindelwald.
"Since we want to make money, why not sell 'Time' as well? For example, a service to 'Experience Being the Dark Lord for an Hour'? or a 'Get Scolded by Dumbledore' stress-relief service? And Grindelwald... we can sell 'Get Glared at by the Old Demon King' experience tickets, specifically for those pure-blood ladies looking for a thrill."
Snape's eyes slowly lit up.
That was the shine of Galleons.
"You mean..."
"Hogwarts isn't just a school," Young Dumbledore smiled slightly. Though beardless, the cunning of the Old Bee returned. "It can be the biggest Theme Park in the wizarding world."
Ivan leaned in. "Headmaster, can I be the ticket seller? I want tips!"
"Sure." Young Dumbledore patted Ivan's head (which felt like a hard-boiled egg). "But first, you have to pluck the fur off Voldemort. That's high-quality raw material for scouring pads."
Voldemort: ???
Plucking again?!
In the corner.
The shaved Frog Grindelwald looked at this group of people carving up his "Empire," and two streams of clear tears actually flowed from his eyes.
Not because of sadness.
But because Snape had just applied Tiger Balm on him.
"Ribbit! Ribbit!!" (Let me in! Give me a share! I want to be a shareholder too!)